I can't seem to pinpoint what has been going on with me lately. I don't like to mess around with my health - I always go to the doctor if I feel I need to, and take days off if I'm unwell. I haven't up until this point considered going to see a mental health professional and so I just want to know if it's worth me going (it costs a lot of money, and I would like to self-help first if I can). I think maybe I've always had some sort of anxiety, but it's become such a loose term lately, that I am just not even sure.
Lately, the last couple of months I have experienced lots of apathy, fatigue, loss of energy and appetite, reclusiveness, irritability and an all around rejection of things I used to enjoy doing. This year (September) I got a new teaching job, that has been incredibly challenging as it's something I've never done. They're been pumping a lot into me because it's a specialized position and for the first month or two, it was hard and challenging but I didn't mind it. But as time passes, I feel more and more inadequate for this position and I am starting to resent going to work. I love the kids and I truly get so much out of teaching, but I can't be bothered to socialize with anyone on staff. I've always had a slight social anxiety (I think that's what I could call it... I'm not entirely sure - going to work functions, meetings and such has always been a struggle for me. It always causes a lot of stress and typically I don't go unless I'm very comfortable with the group of people). Maybe I'm just stressed from work. Maybe I;ve just exhausted myself... but I can't be sure.
So here are a few things I've been struggling with lately:
Constant fatigue. No matter how long or little I sleep, I always want to lay down. Generally I sleep well through the night, but I will be tired all day. I will sometimes sleep 11 hours a night, or 6 hours, and no matter, I want to rest all the time. I leave work so tired, all I can think about is going to bed. Sometimes by 7pm on a Friday, I'm sleeping.
Headaches. I've experienced more headaches than ever before in my life. There seems to be no reason for them.
I feel like I have time for no one. I've always been the type of person who needs space and time alone, but I am feeling like I am needing more and more of that to the point where I feel like "I don't have time". My work week is generally very busy and I tutor in the evenings, but I could make time for more people.. but I don't feel like I can handle it.
I've never been in a serious relationship (longest being 6 months) because I always feel like I am too busy or stretched to handle one. I like to talk to people, hang out and go on dates but I never pursue anything because I feel like I don't have the mental capacity for it.
Irritability. I find myself very annoyed with the fact that I feel so crappy! I left my friends house the other night sad because I was so tired that I couldn't last another minute hanging out.
I've been sparse with my plans with friends and family. I've been seeing them but I feel I am forcing myself to do so because of the holidays.
I've been crying and upset over the most ridiculous of things (I've been house hunting, and today my dad talked me out of pursuing a beautiful home, and instead of taking his advice, I literally shut down and started crying - after I got off the phone with him.
All day today I was on the verge of crying.
No drive to eat.
I feel useless, like I'm not doing my part in the community. I find myself complaining and then I immediately get upset with myself because my life is NOT that bad. I have a great job and a place to live and I feel selfish all the time, and that I should be doing more. I want to start volunteering but I feel like I don't have the time.
I used to often dream and think about moving away to places that have more to do like the mountains or to the lake or ocean, but I'm feeling that more and more I'm not thinking about this and that I'm trying to further my life here at home. My family has been through a few things in the last couple of years and my friends are starting their families, and so I feel like leaving at this point in time in irresponsible of me.
I just seem to have too many thoughts. I wonder if it's a mid life crisis and if I need to restart elsewhere. I am not idea and it's really taking it's toll. The thought of being with family over the next few days of holiday is stressing me out, and that has never been before.
Any advice would be appreciated. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm trying to be proactive but I can feel it getting worse and worse with time.