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video game making me want to self harm

I’m gonna be honest I just don’t really know where to ask this? I’ve been thinking about how I do this a lot with different media and I’m starting to get a little concerned about it but I don’t want to bring it up to anyone in fear that they might look at me like I’m insane. I don’t have a therapist, and I would talk to one about this if I did, but I have no way of getting one at the moment.

I’ll try and make it short. My friends and I have been playing this game together and it’s…horror, basically. All of it. It’s very dark. But I’ve never been triggered by that kind of content, whether it be movies, games, etc. There’s a part in this game where you get kidnapped, and your kidnapper tells you to cut yourself and you have the option to do it. This on its own isn’t what’s making me want to do it, though. I tend to hyperfixate on things I really like, and I really like this game. I like that it can shock me and make me a little uncomfortable. And when I like a movie or show or game or book or what have you, I’ll get super attached to a character and they’ll be ALL I think about for weeks or even months. I really like this character that kidnaps me in the game, and I’ve found that when I join my friends to play it I get really excited, and I get this urge to self harm. Not out of fear or it making me sad, or anything like that. I think, to some extent, I want to do it because I like the character?

I wanna be clear though, I know that’s bizarre and very NOT normal. I haven’t done it, but I want to. I’ve felt this way in the past with different fictional characters, where I get so caught up in it that I want to do things “for” them. Whether that be making something, dressing a certain way, etc. It’s not always harmful, but sometimes it is.

I guess I just want to know what this is? Why I do this? I know I’d have to talk to a professional, but I’m hoping maybe someone can respond and perhaps point me in the right direction without being too judgmental about it. I’m not going to harm myself, nor would I ever harm anyone else. And I don’t think I’m in any immediate danger. Feeling this way just sorta makes me feel…weird.
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973741 tn?1342342773
Hello. Do you mind me asking your age? I'm wondering if you are neurodivergent like possibly autistic (diagnosed or undiagnosed) or adhd? I'm asking because of the hyper fixation and the way your brain makes the game as such to become like pretend play kind of in your mind.

I think game design is set up to really 'get you' and move you these days. But ya, if this one in particular is creating an urge to self harm to where you really may start doing that? That's not going to be a healthy game. (what game is it?) My son games a lot and it's typically a good way to connect with your friends and enjoy and actually immerse in a story.

Have you cut in the past? How's your mental health history?
Helpful - 0
Hi! Thank you for replying to this! And I’m 23. As for as for being autistic or adhd, I’m not officially diagnosed but I’ve looked into it before, and I’ve spoken to a lot of close friends that are diagnosed and it seems that it’s pretty likely that I’m one or the other, possibly both. I’m certainly…somewhere in there. I’ve taken a few of those self diagnoses tests and the usual result is that I have a pretty high likelihood of it, and that I show a lot of the symptoms. I want to say it might? run in the family? Though, again, none of my family members are officially diagnosed either, only highly suspected.

I have self harmed in the past, and mainly by cutting. Mostly throughout middle school and high school. I was diagnosed with depression and general anxiety disorder around 17 and I’m on medication for it now as an adult and that’s really helped, so I’ve been a lot better about it lately. I did go to therapy for a little while in my teens where ocd was discussed very briefly but I was never diagnosed with it. At the very least I had a few ocd-like behaviors, such as intrusive thoughts and whatnot. Though it never got too severe and has since gotten much better.  

And the game is called boyfriend to death. It’s like…a horror? dating simulator I guess? And like I said before, it’s dark. I wouldn’t recommend it to most.

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