Feeling like a jerk

[badfriend]

I had a D&E on 11/14/11. The same day two friends had their babies.

This is my second miscarriage in a row. With my first, I didn't find out I had miscarried until my 10-week appointment in early March 2011. My husband and I started trying again right away, but we didn't conceive until October when I started using an ovulation kit.

With the latest pregnancy, I requested to have my hcg levels tested every 72 hours, which gave me peace of mind that everything was okay - until everything wasn't okay. I felt great until the day I got the phone call that my numbers had stopped doubling and I needed to come in for an ultrasound. Over the weekend, waiting for my Monday appointment, it was like the phone call triggered cramping and random old blood spotting.

We've opted to have the testing done to see if there was some sort of genetic abnormality. The doctor is also testing my blood to see if I have a blood clot disorder. So far, what I've been told is if I have this disorder, my body is forming a clot in the umbilical cord and cutting off blood flow to the sac/baby.

My next appointment is this Friday and hopefully I'll have some news - good or bad.

I haven't told any friends about my latest miscarriage - only my mom and obviously, my husband. I feel like such a terrible person lately because I can hardly stand to listen to my co-workers carry ON AND ON regaling anyone who will listen to the minutia of their kid(s). And the friends who recently had babies, I can barely bring myself to visit. I thought the baby showers were bad enough.

So my post comes down to:
#1. Has anyone else heard of this blood clot issue or had the fetal testing done?

#2. How does a girl keep her hopes up that this dream will ever come true? Should my husband and I just become fabulous vacation people so a-hole friends and acquaintances stop asking us when we're going to have babies?

#3: How do I stop feeling so much self-loathing for having something wrong with me and feeling sorry for my husband for marrying such a failure?

[sakazmi]

when i got pregnant this october i had no feelings of being pregnant at all. only when i missed my AF and did the test. that's all. from the beginning of my pregnancy things were not going right so i was waiting my body to miscarry it self one day or another. my family thought i was crazy because it was my first baby and they were excited.

I had no symptoms however i had a PCOS and i had real bad sore throat going on and on. then i started spotting while i was spotting i had scan which showed early pregnancy. then another scan showed possible baby measuring 5mm. and then the last scan confirmed miscarriage. whole week i knew it all along that i will get this result.

i know how devastating that is. i tried speaking to my doctor to see whether i have any issues. she said no your bloods are absolutely fine. and you do not have any other issues going on either. that was the first thing i learnt that 1 in 4 pregnancies end up in miscarriage.

i never thought of blaming myself because when you miscarry you are actually rejecting faulty egg. which means if some how pregnancy carries on with that egg you might end up having an abnormal kid. when i started having this problem all i prayed for was to have normal kid. if not i let be in hands of God and how he deals with it.

Believe it or not i tried every thing during my pregnancy. i tried getting medication which could reduce chances of MC. which was rejected as well. tried getting blood tests done and they were fine apart from HCG because when pregnancy failed they drop. the only thing i got was early scans. i actually tried making sure that when i get pregnant next time what will i be given this wont fail. and again i was told off by doctors saying its my first MC i have to wait and see if i got pregnant next time what will happen.

People have no other work but to put there heads in your life. if you let them enter in your sensitive parts you will always feel guilty about your self. best thing is you put so strong that next time when they ask you anything they will know you have good reasons.

when some one asks me i always use my age as a factor. house as a factor or job as a factor so they know that everything is happening with God's will.

Be positive about yourself. Be proud that you know you can conceive and you will keep trying until God fills up your wish. Do not feel guilty one thing you should know is that this is in hands of GOD. death and life is given by him. i swear you know and i know how helpless you feel in this condition that theres NOTHING what so ever you can do to stopping it from happening. so remember this when ever you feel low or feel disappointed from yourself. just think its impossible for you to do any thing without GOD's wish. so be positive about yourself.

Best of Luck

[badfriend]

Thank you for your response and I'm sorry for your loss as well.

Did your doctor run tests to confirm you actually have a clotting issue? I guess I will start taking baby aspirin, too, as a preemptive measure. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow as a follow-up from the D&E and maybe he'll have my tests results and I can share them with you...?

I feel the same way about all-things-baby. It's hard not to get emotional, especially when I think about what life would be like for us at this time had either pregnancy been successful.

Sometimes I consider running off at the mouth when people ask insensitive, ridiculous questions about having babies, but then I think about all the gossip that would come from it and I wuss out.

I'm proud of you though. :)

[Scout8601]

I'm really sorry about your two m/c's.  And yes, ppl talking of babies and all that stuff is just horrible when your trying for one and having m/c.  I've had 3 m/c.  After my 3rd one , my doctor suggested I start taking baby asprin every day for clotting issues.  I think that's the one thing they look at after recurrent m/c's.  

I think there is always hope.  that's why I keep trying.  And I know it's easy to blame yourself but it's not your fault.  You can do everything right and still m/c.  It's so so common.  Hopefully the testing will tell you what's going on and that way you'll be able to do something about it.  

I don't know what to tell you about coworkers having babies and friends having babies.  After my first m/c I couldn't even walk past the baby aisle at walmart without bursting into tears.  I'd probably just have to walk away and let them think whatever they want to think.  And ppl asking about when you're going to have a baby....ugg.  Well, I've got a mouth so I have no problem telling ppl that we're trying but have had 3 m/c's so far and I usually end it with, you got anymore questions??  that usually shuts them up.  But like I said, my mouth sometimes gets out of my control.  Most ppl just don't realize how rude that question is or how hurtful it can be.

Again, I'm really sorry.