My Heart Aches So Bad

[angelsrejoice]

Ok so today I officiallly had my last ultrasound with a specialist. She was an amazing and caring woman and I am so happy that I didn't have to deal with someone that was cold and rude because this is really hard.

My LMP was on May 28th so I should be 10 weeks 5 days today but with all my other u/s I have been measuring behind and they were not able to even see a baby. Well we did get to see a little tiny baby but there was still no heartbeat and I am still measuring only 6 weeks. She said the placenta was normal and growing and that this is why my levels keep rising and I still feel pregnant but the baby passed away around July 9 or so.

There's really no question to go along with this post....just needed to write about it because even though I have known for a couple of weeks that this might happen it still hurts incredibly! I just ache and want to cry. I want to go back in time and make things better so my baby will live! This wasn't a planned pregnancy but I was so happy. Looking forward to feeling the baby move and then come March holding my baby. I want to hold him so bad.

I know that he was here for a reason if it was just for short while but it still hurts that I couldn't protect him so he could grow and join our family. I know that his little spirit will forever watch over us and that where he is he is perfect and healthy which is something he couldn't be here but it hurts so very much.

All the stories I've read...and everyone seems so strong. How do you do it? How do you get over the pain? I was very thankful that the u/s tech allowed me to take home a picture. She even spent extra time trying to give me the best possible picture of the baby. It's all I have left of him.....it's not enough. I want my baby!!

To make it worse my body is still holding onto him. I just want my body to let him go. I feel like I have to get pregnant again maybe give him a chance to come back and make it this time. I'm going to try really hard to get in the best shape I can because I just want to be pregnant again. What are the odds this will happen again? I'm 33 is it always going to be this because of my age? The tech today said she scanned my ovaries and they look very healthy so I guess that's good.

Sorry if this post is kind of all over the place. My mind is racing with so many thoughts. My heart hurts so bad right now :(

[Jhanee]

I am truly sorry for your loss. When I lost my baby back in March God was good to me by having my tech be the same one I saw every other time I was there getting an ultrasound. She has seen me over the last ten years for different reasons. On this day it was like having a second mom. She helped me stay strong. With all of that there is no way to stop your pain. In time it will lessen, but it will remain. I believe all our babies are in Heaven waiting for us and when we get there we will see them and finally get a chance to raise them. I am leaving it up to God for the next one. I know it will be in God's time and not ours when it happens. I am praying for you.

[sobabyready]

I am sooo sorry for your lost and I completely feel your pain. I had a m/c on 81/10 so this is alost a week old for me. You ask how you get over the pain? Time, friends, family, and knowing you can try again. I am 30 and this was my first child. Honestly the support team I named saved my life because I wanted it to end after my babies did. I cry as I read your story but I pray we both get strong. God makes no mistakes and we shall both be blessed again. I was 13 weeks along and those were the best 13 weeks of my life. Good luck to you and I send many baby blessings your way.

[Jenhottie]

I had the same thing happen..No words can help the pain of losing a baby.  I cried for weeks & wouldn't talk about it to anyone.  When I went back to work, I had to explain to people what happened (they still thought I was pregnant).  I had to try to hold back the tears everytime.  It's not an easy situation to deal with.  I lost my baby @ 11 weeks & finally after 4 weeks they did a D&C.  My body was hanging on to the baby too.  I had to explain to my mom that every morning I have to get up & deal with this.  She felt so bad for me.  Hang in there..things DO get better.  Maybe your next pregnancy will have an angel watching over you & your new baby!  That's what I figured!  The next one will be different..I PROMISE!  My thoughts are with you!

[mjmom69]

I'm so, so sorry. It is a terrible thing to have to go thru. I had a d&c on May 20th. The baby had passed at about 7w, the d&c was a little past 11w. I didn't find out until a week and a half before the d&c. That time was terrible. I thought I'd never feel better again. But you will. Time does help. You'll never forget and probably still have those days when you fell bad, but it does get better. Really, we have no choice. Life goes on and the people we love need us. I hope things progress quickly for you with no need for a d&c. We are here for you.
Take care.

[angelsrejoice]

Thank you so much for your comments and I am so sorry that you have all had to go through your own loses as well. I actually have some cramping and spotting tonight so I'm hoping my body is finally getting the message.

Would you mind if I ask for those who had a d&c: did you have any complications? I'm so terrified of being put out for the procedure. This is the main reason I don't want to have it done. Never been under before and I have a fear that I wont wake up. Also scared that it will leave scar tissue and make it harder to get pregnant.

[prettygirl87]

I had a D&C on May 12 with no Complications my doctor gave me medicine to take for 10 days to prevent infection and pain meds it was easy,quick and painless free I had just a little cramping but nothing to take meds for and I know what you mean about being scared I'm overweight so they didn't want to put me to sleep they gave me something to put me in a daze and make me feel stuck but it was ok i still remember the sound of the vaccum and seeing them walk by with my baby in a bowl all covered up that's the only part that gets to me but I can honestly say I would have a D&C only day rather than have a natural miscarriage and go through all that pain to see my baby dead it's a personal decision so whatever you feel is best for you is the best decision

[Elixis]

I lost a baby on January 4th at about 8 weeks.
There really is no way to get over it. It hurt me alot. Just like you it was a suprise but I was happy. I didn't realise how much it meant to me untill I lost it.
I hadn't seen the baby so I just misscarried one morning and it must have been the hardest day of my life.

Im so sorry you have to go through this. Honestly it never went away. It kept hurting. Try not to blame yourself it's nothing you did that caused it.

Im now pregnant again but i'll never forget my first one. She/he will be in my heart forever.
Any life is a life missed.

Just take it one day at a time and soon you will have it happen again.
Stay strong!!

[mjmom69]

I've had no complications really. I did have to take Provera to start my period and I finally got it about 11w after the D&C. I think I ovulated on Tues. so hopefully I"m back on track. The D&C went smoothly. I hope everything goes well for you.

[Jhanee]

I had a D&C on March 24th (my husbands birthday)  and I had  no complications. I went in relaxed and everthing went well. about four weeks later I got my first period. I am praying for you.

[angelsrejoice]

Thanks for sharing your stories and sounds like I shouldn't be so worried about a d&c. I think I'll ask about not being put out completely...I'm more likely to do it if I don't have to be knocked out.

I did start cramping and had some spotting last night but the spotting stopped and I still get cramps off and on so I just don't think my body gets it and I know there's risk of infection if I wait too long so hopefully the doctor will take the time to answer my questions on Monday.

For those of you trying to conceive now....you are in my thoughts and I pray for healthy babies!

[shuga1109]

I miscarried in March this year.  I can relate totally.  I still cry to this day because it is now August and I haven't conceived again yet.  I was so hurt and never cried so much in my life.  My best friend died at 33 years of age (who was like my sister) two weeks before I miscarried. We were inseperable.  All of this was devastating and I had absolutely no one to be there for me during my grieving process.  I know it will happen for you again.  You are still young.  Blessings to you.  Hopefully we can all have a happy ending after all of this.  I feel your pain.  I pray that you will become strong, get over this quickly, and get healthy enough for it to happen again!