telling people about miscarriage

[needhelp24121]

I was 8 weeks pregnant and I miscarried 7 weeks ago. It was my first pregnancy. My husband and I didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy yet. Should we tell people about the miscarriage even though they didn't know about the pregnancy?

[Moonflower09]

I did try and contact Mike - this girl's husband.  My husband wanted me to invite him to the yoga lecture I recently attended cause he's been very interested in getting into yoga for his knees.  And my husband thought it would be a good way to break the ice, then if he went, we could chat about this.  Well, he never responded to me.  I fear that's not a good sign.  

I'm thinking about writing her an letter and sending it via email.  But I'm worried I'd say the wrong thing.  I just hate these awkard situations of silence where you know something is wrong, everyone is skirting the issue, and nothing gets resovled.  I wanna say something, but I hate to be the first to initiate it.  I wanna let it go, but it's like a splinter that keeps festering.  You know, sometimes you gotta pull it out.  

[pb95]

Two things I can really relate to...

Moonflower09 - I had a good friend all through high school who was nuts, but a good friend nonetheless.  I was in her wedding and we talked occasionally.  Shortly after my wedding, she stopped communicating with me.  She ignored me when she saw me and told my mother once that she wouldn't be my friend anymore because the bad feelings "ran deep".  I can't think of a thing that happened.  I guess my point is, that no matter how messed up she was, and how little I actually got out of the relationship, she was a friend who I had been through so much with.  She has been horrible to me and yet here 10 years later, it still hurts me terribly.  I would be her friend again eventhough she has been a witch so I can see your pull in wanting to salvage the friendship.  On the other hand, I dont' think her hurtful behaviour would stop at this and you may find yourself back in the same spot a second time over some other issue.  Can't win I guess.  

Elixis - It bothers me too that I had names picked out for this baby and I can't bring myself to use them again eventhough we didn't know the sex of the baby.  I really loved them too.  Have you chosen completely different names?  Mine would have been Miriam Stirling for a girl and Wilson WIley for a boy.  Of course I'm not even pregnant yet, but it hurts knowing those names will never have a face.

[needhelp24121]

Training for a marathon sounds like a good idea for you, doing something that you used to do that is a positive thing in your life. I feel so sorry for everything you've had to go through. I can't imagine myself ever being able to survive a situation like yours. You're right, it is really hard to look at something positive when so many negative things have happened.
I want so badly to be pregnant again, but we are listening to the doctor and waiting at least 3 months. We weren't even trying when I got pregnant, and I'm so afraid that when we do start trying its not going to happen.
I still haven't told anyone in my family yet, and I haven't talked to my friends since I told them. We used to go to everything that anyone had, but since the miscarriage we haven't gone to as many family things, and when we do go, we don't stay as long as we used to. We just give the excuse that we are really busy or we have something else we have to go to, only a few people have even noticed anyway. I am starting to have some good days though. Yesterday was not a good day at all, it was exactly two months ago that I had the miscarriage. Even though its only been a couple months, I feel like I've really lost who I was before and I need to find my way back.

[Moonflower09]

There really isn't anyone I feel close to just because I'm the newest member of the family and have only known them a short while. I was closest to this girl, but no one else. Guess that's why I feel so isolated.

I think I just gotta learn to let it go. I went to a yoga lecture last night and the yogi said something that made a lot of sence - unhappiness caused by others only happens because you allow them to steal your peace. I've got to figure out how to keep my peace and not let her steal my happiness. It's just so much easier said than done. Especially since it's something I wanted so badly. Maybe this is one of those learning moments in my life to teach me this lesson. I do think all trials we go through on our life's journey have a purpose. Life can be painful, but it's through those painful times we grow the most.

I think what I really need to do is let it all go. Her, trying to get pregnant, and the miscarriage. I've allowed all of it to consume me this last year. To the point of unhealthy obsession. Ive just had SO many negative events over this past year that it's really hard not to get depressed. I've lost a baby, I've lost a job, I've had "this" with her, can't get pregnant, can't find a job, .... And the list goes on. And I'm approaching my 40th birthday...that's really got me down, not cause I'm turning 40, but because where I am today is NOT where I wanted to be at 40. It's just hard to find the positive lights in life when I'm feeling always surrounded by negatives. Maybe I need to train for another marathon. I use to be an avid athlete. 2+ hours of exercise a day. When we got pregnant, doc said no more strenous exercise. So I've laid off and really cut back while ttc. I need a confindence boost again and crossing the finish line of a marathon is one like no other for me.

This year has really changed me. I've got to find my way back to who I was before.    

[hopefullyagain]

Oh, my heart is breaking for you Hon! I don't know how I would handle what you are having to go thru with each of these "family events". Would there be anyway that your husband could talk to this girl's husband Mike? Or maybe both of you talk to him? Is there a particular person at these family gatherings that you tend to be closer to or have a good relationship with? If so, maybe you could talk to that person.
I agree with Lauren and Elixis that it would help if there was another person, at least one other person, there that knew what you were going thru. I have a friend who also is my coworker and it has really really helped having her here with me.  
We didn't know if we were having a boy or girl either when we m/c. You are right, it does feel like someone is missing. And Elixis, you said it perfectly when you said "That love you feel even for a few weeks is enough to last forever."
I will keep saying prayers for you all.

[Moonflower09]

Who should I talk to?  It's not something I can just "announce" to everyone at our next family gathering.  My husband thinks I should talk to Mike - this girl's husband - cause he might be a good mediator.  He knows what a ***** she can be.  that might be akward though.  Guys don't really understand this stuff.

And I'm the newest member of the family (besides the new baby).  And that makes it even more akward.  My husband doesn't want me to stop going to his family gatherings.  They are very important to him.  I just hate feeling like a complete outcast now.  It's hard.

It's something you never get over.  We had a boy's name picked out - Brooks Vanderson, family names from each of Chris's grandfathers.  Thinking about that name brings tears to my eyes.  We never even got to know if it was a boy or a girl.  And now each of these girls is having one each.  It's going to be hard watching their son and daughter growing up with the reminder that ours would have been the same age.  It feels like someone is truly missing.

[LAURENGRAINGER]

I agree with Elixis.  Tell your family so they can support you.  And when they notice how the other women are acting towards you, i doubt they will tolerate their behavior.  When i found out i was pregnant, i called my whole family within an hour.  I told all my friends and co-workers.  I never would have dreamed i'd miscarry, or i wouldn't have told everyone!  But i did get support from my family because they knew what had happened.  The day i went in for my first ultrasound and learned there was no heartbeat, my brother called me on the phone the second he found out the news and was absolutely bawling.  He just cried with me on the phone.  And i appreciated that he knew how devastated i was and was there to support me.  You need your family to understand what you've been through.  They will support you whether those other 2 women ever do or not.

[Elixis]

Have you spoken to the rest of the family members? I think it would help alot if you did. If they were aware of how you're feeling they could understand. You tried to tell her and she clearly has no remorse. But what about the other members? I'm sure it would be much easier on you if they knew how you felt. Don't be ashamed. You don't have to trash her or anything to them, but most people once they hear your reasons should be able to understand if they aren't like her! Open up to them if you can. It will make things easier.

You don't just GET OVER IT. People who expect you to clearly never have lost a child. Even now that i'm pregnant again, I heard a song that I was crying to the day i MC and it still makes me cry. That's a big reason behind my pain of not being able to chose the name I chose for my MC baby. It's hard. It doesn't go away. That love you feel even for a few weeks is enough to last forever.

Talk to the family. And honestly if they don't understand (God I hope they do) then skip out on the monthly events for now.

You need to talk to them. I really think it would help you.

[Moonflower09]

Thank you Lauren. I've wondered for months if I've done something wrong, but you are right, only a dreadful, selfabsorbed person would act this way. Last sunday at our monthly family lunch was horriable. She did not speak to me once and of course it was all about the baby. I walked out on the porch when I couldn't take it anymore and there she and the other girl were there in a "hushed" conversation that fell silent when they saw me. I don't know what they were talking about, but I can only imagine. So now not only do I have to deal with my heartache, but I feel completely shunned by them. It's really hard. I don't feel I did anything wrong, and actually tried to send her an email after her baby shower to explain what I was going through. I sent her a great article that put it together better than i could. It explained my feelings well and was written for someone who was pregnant with friends/family that had suffered from a mc. The only responce I got was "well, sorry you feel that way. Maybe some day we can be friends again."

I really don't know what to do and I'm trying to let it go but these family events are killing me. And as my husband puts it, I'm the one that had the mc, she has no right to treat me this way and to act like this is really bad. We lost a CHILD. it has nothing to do with being resentful. I am suffering a lot of pain.

You are 28. That is so young. I'm sorry for your loss but don't give up. I'll be 40 very soon. You can have babies well into your 30's. I understand how hard and painful the road is when month after month you're still not pg. I just wish this girl would see that and realize how important her and the other girl's support is to me right now. I don't want to be shunned. I am hurting. I would even like to have been still involved in their lives and it could have helped in my process of healing. But now I get lower class treatment and it deepens my pain. I cried myself to sleep Sunday night. Our baby would have been 2 months old. It was all I could think about as everyone was holding their infant.

[LAURENGRAINGER]

I just read the whole thread about your m/c experience.  You said something that i have often said over the past year.  That the first couple of months you were really hopeful and that you thought you would get pregnant soon and it really helped carry you through for a while.  I know how you feel.  I m/c in august 09 and have been trying to get pregnant again since oct 09.  I had a chemical pregnancy last month at the beginning of august, in which i only knew i was pregnant for about 5 days before the preg finally failed and my period came.  Now that i've been TTC for almost a year, i'm very frustrated.  I really thought after my miscarriage last year i would become pregnant in no time and be able to move on.  It's been a tough year of disappointment each month as i'd learn i hadn't conceived.  I'm 28 and have no children.  Miscarrying your 1st pregnancy is terrifying because then you constantly wonder if you will ever be able to carry a child.  I am 28 and am worried that i waited too long to TTC.  Guess we are in the same boat.  Also, last year my cousin who is the same age as me found out she was pregnant a week after me.  I miscarried at 9 weeks and she now has beautiful 6 month old daughter.  She isn't mean about it like your relative but it is still not easy looking at her child and thinking that my child should be here now too.  Best of luck on your TTC journey.  And to hell with that dreadful woman.  I doubt you can get through to her, she is way too self absorbed.  

[Elixis]

So sorry for your loss :(

When I got pregnant in December I told my close friends and my family.
We wern't sure how his family would feel about it so we held off. I also told my work collegues too.

I then MC in January and it was DEVESTATING. I got much support from my family and friends that knew. I do belive you should tell someone close to you. Someone other then your husband, as he could be grieving himself.

The hard part was that I told everyone at work. They were very supportive but it was really hard to break the news to everyone.

Then i found out a good friend of mine was pregnant and she hadnt known for 3 months. She was due the exact same time as my baby would have been. I was REALLY upset, not at her, but that I have to be happy for her knowing that I would have to follow her pregnancy knowing that I would have been in the same time as her. It was really hard to cope with. I was happy for her really. She's my friend and I wished the best for her. But you can't help but feel upset. Any magazine with a pregnant Celeb would make me sad. I felt more depressed then ever. I even took it out on him sometimes.

So then I got pregnant again in April, I was so scared of mc again so I didn't tell as many people. Just my parents and best friends. You need to share the news with someone. If it means just your husband then that's ok. In my case I knew telling the closest people was good cuz they are there for you in case something happens. Thats what good friends are for.
I'm sure had I not gotten pregnant so soon after I would be still really upset over my friends pregnancy, expecially around the due date. I can just imagine the feelings of those like Moonflower that has to live through it with a smile on her face (and on top of that a bitter cold person too ughh)

We waited for the 12 weeks to pass since they say there's less probability of mc after and right after getting the ultrasound and seeing all was fine we told his family. They were really excited.

I don't regret not telling them about the first time, in fact, they still don't know about it. We just wanted to make sure all was ok first in case they did react bad of the news. Luckly that wasn't the case.

Anyway. My sugesstion is tell those close to you. Wait on the others. Tell people that you know will support you no matter what happens.

I hope all works out for you in the end and wish you a healthy pregnancy next time!

[needhelp24121]

Thank you. It really means a lot to me that you and everyone on this site is so supportive.

I think I'm going to tell my parents soon. We were thinking about taking both of our parents out to dinner or something and tell them all together. I know both of my parents and his mom will be supportive, its his dad that will probably be a jerk about it.

You're right its really not easy to talk about at all. Sometimes when I even think about talking about it I break down.

I'm sorry you are going through this too. Don't worry, I don't think this is something we'll ever get over. With time, we will hurt less, but the pain will always be there. I wish you all the best as well. Hopefully in the near future we will have some good news to post.

[Moonflower09]

I know it's hard. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending you hugs but wish I could give you a real one...

I'm not good with advice and haven't been able to handle it myself. It's been almost a year and I still can't get over it.

I'm glad to hear your friends were so supportive. You need that more than anything right now.

It's not an easy thing to talk about at all.

I wish you the best. Stay strong and don't be afraid to rely on your friends and family for support. There's nothing that can help you more than their love and support. They love you and would want to be there for you.

[needhelp24121]

I went to dinner with a few of my closest friends the other night. They could tell something was wrong because they asked me if I was ok. I could tell they wanted to ask me more, and they could probably tell that whatever was bothering me was something that I felt I couldn't talk about. We (even me--most of the night) had a great time "catching up". We hadn't seen each other in over 4 months. I wanted to say something and I almost did a couple times, but every time I was about to, I almost started crying and I knew I wouldn't be able to get it out so I didn't. When I got home, I decided to text them to tell them, that way they wouldn't see me completely lose it. The news hit them like a bombshell--they told me they never would've guessed that it was something that horrible that happened. They were very supportive and we texted back and forth for a while. I felt a lot better once I told them. I want to tell my family, but I don't know if I will be able to get it out without completely losing it.

[Moonflower09]

Thank you.

[hopefullyagain]

I'm really sorry you are going thru this m/c and the loss of who you thought was your best friend. I know that has to be difficult. I hope knowing that I say a prayer for you helps you feel less alone.

[rccresswell]

I am sorry about your loss.  I told my parents and brothers and sisters straight away.  I think we were about 5-7 weeks when we just told close family.  I was 12 weeks when I started telling extended family but haven't told everyone and I am now 14  weeks.  I am just waiting for my midwife appointment before I announce it to everyone else.

I miscarried earlier in the year at 14 weeks.  At 13 weeks and 5 days I announced it to all my friends on facebook only to say a few days later we had lost him.  I felt like utter crap but I loved the support of my immediate family.

It is all just a personal opinion.

[Moonflower09]

It is the hardest thing to go through.  I only wish we had told our family so that I could have had some sort of "protection" from this girl's insensitivity during her pregnancy.  Going through a miscarriage is a very private, personal event and I certaintly didn't want everyone to know, but these last 10 months have been incrediably difficult.  The only people that knew were my mother, my inlaws, and this girl and her husband - because I thought she was one of my closest friends.  She has hurt me deeply showing me no compassion and flauting her own pregnancy in my face while I've struggled with both the grief of the miscarriage and the frustration of not being able to get pregnant again.  

This forum has been my only source of support.  I still feel so alone everyday.  I'm heartbroken because I lost our baby and I lost who I thought was a good friend.  

[hopefullyagain]

I'm so glad I found this forum. I was told at my 9 week appt on August 10 that I was having a m/c. My husband and I were devasted. We hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy at that point, we wanted to have our 5 year son old tell everyone. It took me about a 3 days to finally be able to tell my really close friend. Right now, only about 8 people know that I was even pregnant and had a m/c. If I didnt have my friend here at work with me to be able to talk to and to "ward' other coworkers off that would try to ask me what's wrong, I don't know if I would have made it this far, and I'm only two weeks out from my D&C. It feels like all I can think about is "when can I get pregnant again" and I know that sounds crazy when I'm still mourning the loss of this child. I feel like I'm going crazy!

At first I didn't want to tell anyone, but I have to say that I'm glad I did, but I only told those that were close to us. My husband needed someone to talk to too, so he told his brother. I think it helped us anyway. But everyone is different, so it really is up to you as to who and when you tell.

God Bless you and I will pray for all of you on here. I hate that all of you are going thru this. I have to say that I am grateful for your posts, even though they weren't directed to me; your words have comforted me. Thank you for that, because you all know that how little real "comfort" there is when going thru a time like this. Thank you

[roxy316]

It doesn't really sound like this girl is really going to get it, but it couldn't hurt to talk to her anyway.  I would definately talk to your grandmother.  Sometimes there are words of wisdom that can really help.  

[Moonflower09]

Should I try and say something to this girl or let it go? If I say anything, what should I say? Or would it be better to talk to our grandmother first?

[Moonflower09]

Thank all y'all so much for your support. It has really lifted my feelings. It's been a tough road and I have felt so alone.

[roxy316]

I'm so sorry you have had to go through this.  I know there are no words to take the pain away.  I can't imagine having someone so insensitive/selfish around me at a time like this (my miscarriage was a month ago).  It's not too late to talk to your family.  They may really give you the support you need and shield you from these women.  I had  a stepsister announce her pregnancy and due 3 weeks after I was and a stepmother who is not sensitive to my feelings.  Without the support of my real sister and cousins at family functions I wouldn't be able to tolerate it.  They have helped me keep a distance from the ones that i can't face right now, without making me appear rude.  You might be surprised how much they can help.  Take care and good luck.  

[Moonflower09]

It's a hard situation.  My dad's the same way.  All about money and kids aren't important if you don't have a ton of money in the bank.  I didn't want the lecture either.  I didn't tell him - my mom and dad are divorced.  We only told my mom, my husbands parents, his grandmother, and our closest friends.  My mom ended up telling my dad after I had the mc.

You just never know what to do in these situations.  And really, when the mc started, I was in shock, disbelief, confused, hurt, ...  and I first I thought "It's ok...It'll be ok... We can try again..."  That got me through the first couple of months, but now 10 months later and no pregnancy has really worn on me.  It's made dealing with the grief of the mc harder and my depression deeper.  We wanted a baby so much.  I'm 39 and my husband is 41.  We don't have a lot of time and I'm fearful we're pushing it now to have a safe and successful pregnancy and a healthy baby.

I was thinking about all this a lot last night.  It still makes me cry and I hate going to my husband's grandmother's house now.  I don't want it to be that way.  I love his grandmother.  She is the sweetest women.  My grandparent's died a number of years ago and having her in my life has really filled that void.  I've thought about calling her and talking to her about this.  Maybe she could offer some good words of wisdom.  I've held so much of this in and suffered silently.  The only person I talk to about it is my husband.  He sees it too and has also been hurt by this girl's actions.  The mc hasn't just affected me, it has deeply hurt him as well, and, we keep hoping month after month that just maybe it'll happen this time...  

I guess that's why you're post and question really spoke to me.  I would never want anyone to suffer what I have.  And it's not just the suffering and pain from the mc, that's bad in itself, but it's the suffering in silence.  I really didn't realize how traumatic this was going to be for me in the beginning.  As the days, weeks, months, pass, it doesn't get easier - it gets harder.  It is like a death, but there is no funeral, no condolonces, no support, no memorial... and no one knows what I'm going through - except my husband.  

Hang in there.  Give yourself whatever time to grieve and do whatever you need to do to heal.  

Take care.