Handling borderline personality disorder adult

[Lerbea]

I am the parent of a 36 yr old adult with BPD, Bipolar, etc. Is there somewhere I can find suggestions for handling this difficult person. I've backed away again as it's all screaming at me.
Help.

[yarrow]

Lerbea, my son is 38, diagnosed with bipolar II some dozen years ago, more recently with schizoaffective features, and has refused treatment in general.  In the last two years, he has become paranoid and violent towards us.  

We have sought family counseling, of course, and I think it's a good idea overall.  However, in the last session, our son physically attacked his 68-year-old father, so that clearly wasn't going anywhere good.  But then, the counselor was a small woman a bit intimidated by an out-of-control, really fit guy six feet three!

Nevertheless, I do feel that it's a good idea in general for the parents of a sick adult child to have a couple of sessions with a counselor to help learn the best ways to interact (or not) with with the offspring.  As has been noted, your child is seriously adult, and you cannot 'manage' him, but you can learn what behavior is most helpful and appropriate for YOU.

Most cities offer some kind of meetings at  support group for people with relatives afflicted with the disorder.  In addition, there are many online support groups like these:

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/parents-of-bipolar-children-discussions/general-support/311487-welcome-to-the-parents-of-bipolar-children-support-group

http://www.bpso.org/

[Jaquta]

Not sure of any one really good resource.  There are some yahoo health groups that have support groups for families with individuals with bpd.

Your adult child is a person, not a dog.  Not something to be handled.

I would suggest you lose the label.  Calling the person difficult won't endear you to them.  If anything it may alienate them.

Just random recommendations I would make:
- make sure your adult child has access to good medical care and psychotherapy.
(This I believe has the potential to make the biggest difference.)
-set limits and boundaries.  Help the person to become more independent.

Your kid needs to learn better ways to manage their emotions but at a guess there is something that you're not doing or hearing.  Either triggering or enabling.
Validating their struggle and negative emotions sometimes helps.

When a person acts out it means that they have a need that isn't being met.

Accepting the person for who they are is also important.

[yarrow]

Privacy laws in the US make it certain that you will not be able to learn anything about your adult child's medical treatment or therapy without her explicit consent.  Nor are her doctors allowed to respond to your questions or messages.  For this reason, a support group for parents of such children is the best idea.  You will learn coping strategies.

As to how to deal with impossible situations with violent children, my own psychiatrist says we have no choice--in our particular case, where our son doesn't wish treatment and has become aggressive toward us--but to stay distant, and, he says, "Try to have a good life."

Until our son was about 36, he was a sweet person at least part of the time.  We were sometimes quite close, and I could see that he had some control--not much, but a little--of his condition.  In the middle of a manic rant, he could, with great difficulty, pull himself largely together, at least for a while.

What has gone on during the last two years is new, though, and an order of magnitude worse. His personality is so altered that I think I will never again see the sweet son I once knew and adored.

[Lerbea]

Thank for the support. My daughter has been under care since highschool. When she finally was given Abilify it changed her life. Now 6 years later she is no longer taken it. She is violently hostile, verbally abusive, and the blame game all over again. I've sent several letters to her doctors over the years and requested her meds be evaluated asking that Abilify be prescribed again with no avail.

When it has been bad I've had to withdraw from her in order to protect myself. Now I need to fine out the most recommended avenues when dealing with this. Everything attempted is denied. I don't feel I am a doormat.

I'm setting up an appt to find correct ways to try to help. Just how should parents deal with the problems when impossible. Are the patients able to learn to control some of the behavioral problems are is it uncontrollable?

Thank you,

Lerbea

[Peter Forster]

This is a pretty complicated question that to answer well would require more information. Relationships between mothers and adult children are often pretty emotionally charged and getting some help from a professional can be very helpful in navigating the turbulent waters.

Just as one example, for many folks who are desperate any kind of attention, even angry attention, is better than being ignored. So a pattern can develop of alternating avoidance (because you are scared) and angry interaction (because you eventually have to pay attention to the behavior of your child)... where your avoidance may actually be increasing the likelihood of acting out...

Again, this is complicated stuff... so good help from someone you can talk to who knows about these dynamics is worth its weight in gold.