I am 21 and i suffer from depression and anxiety possibly delusions and OCD.I am benzodiazepine and on an SSRI .I have tried many ssri but didn't find any of them very usefull.
I feel depressed,scared,i have mixed thoughts about religion,if god exists or not,if i need to go too church to cure myself,if i am too stubborn to ignore the existance of god,too ignorant.Family makes me anxious and depressed because it brings out memories from the past with are filfthy.
I do not have stamina,i have headaches,i feel pressure on my chest,mental exaustion and tend not to do anything about it.It is like feeling so bad makes retreat myself and not ask for help.Too tired to ask for help.I will go next month to the appointment with my psychiatrist.I also have problems with organizing my thoughts,i can barely find my words and sometimes my phrases do not make sense.I hate my country,i hate everyone,everyone seems hypocrite and only i suffer in silence.Sometimes i feel like crying but it is just that,only feeling,i have never cried for years.
I feel deep pain,mentally and physically but also disgust for some people and envie.For example i have mix feelings about girls(on one hand i think they are beautifull and sex is normal,but on the other hand i think they are sluts with no respect who satisfy some monsters,perverts.
Almost about anything i have mix feelings(people are pigs,monsters,perverts or the logical perspective that people are nice,and sexual desire is normal.
About god-that i am sinner because i do not want to believe in GOD and GOD exists ,or that god doesn't even exists and i am atheist.
Another thing about i have mixed feelings.That i am not pure,full of sins and i must purify myself or that there is no such things as sins,or purity
Anyway,i feel very hot right now,i am heat intolerant,i have nausea and mixed feelings o depression,desperation, anger.
Thanks for writing. That sounds terrible. You should know that you can definitely feel better.
What you describe doesn't sound like delusions, for one thing you are aware of the fact that some of the things that you think don't seem to make sense.
Although it might sound a bit "crazy" I think that what you really need to do is to see a therapist or psychologist. Here is why, although you find it difficult to talk to anyone about what you are going through, talking with someone else will help you sort out your thoughts and make sense of them. Some of what you describe sounds as though it is a consequence of being stuck in your own mind too much, along with depression and anxiety.
Talk to your psychiatrist about a referral.
Good luck. And keep on working on these problems, they can definitely get better.
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