life of confusion

[missiemids]

i have been having problems with depression for years going from severe to moderate. No one seems to want to talk about my symptoms though.
i feel very detached from everything , my prospective seems to change.... what i see doesn't seem real .I experience moods swings that can change within a few hrs. I often feel suicidal infact on a regular basis. i have become a hermit not having any contact with people. I feel tired all the time even when i have been sleeping ok. I self medicate with booze. I am seeing a theapist for CBT but feel i am being dismissed , feel like he thinks im making it up. I dont know what my [problem is ...does anyone else have these kind of symptoms?

Thank you .

[lindahand]

Depression to me seems surreal. It is like everything around me runs on a different clock. The simplest of things seems very difficult. It is like there is molasses in my blood. No one around me understands what it is like so I come on boards like these. Moodgarden . o r g (doing it that way so it doesn't get blocked - no spaces in the address). It is a good community. If you post on the main forum you always get an answer. And it is for depression and bipolar.

BPD often means borderline personality disorder. BP usually refers to bipolar disorder. I got really confused by the abbreviations for the first while myself. I would get a second opinion if you can afford it. If you are bipolar 2 taking a mood stabilizer may really help. You may be able to convince your current doctors to give it a try to see if it helps or not. They may be willing to do that for you.

The cognitive behavioural therapist - have you asked him if he thinks you are making things up? This sounds like a distorted thought to me. He may feel you can do something about changing a thought, but that doesn't mean he doesn't believe you. Better to know because if he does think you are making things up it isn't worth the time and money to keep going. You aren't the first person I have heard say this about CBT. So maybe something in the process can make people feel this way. I always feel a tremendous pressure to change so the people pleaser I am I usually lie about how I am doing. Not very productive. I am seeing someone new and am really going to try to be honest.

You may want to ask for a referral to a rhuematologist to rule out Fibromyalgia. I have fibromyalgia and bipolar disorder. One of the key issues is do you get tired all the time, or only when in a depression? If you only have fatigue during a depression that is probably the cause.

What you are feeling is normal for someone with depression, or at least the two of us get the same thing. Don't know if that is a comfort but I always found it nice to know I was not alone.

[Jaquta]

I meant borderline personality disorder and not bipolar disorder.  I guess that there is some overlap between the two disorders.

I have found depression and anxiety to be both draining.

I just wondered if borderline personality disorder because of:
-prospective seems to change /unstable sense of self or lack of identity.  Could have to do with the black and white nature in which some people tend to view themselves and the world.

-what you see doesn't seem real/ could be a form of dissociation due to high stress and anxiety levels.  During periods of extreme stress people with bpd can experience transient psychotic-like symptoms.

-mood swings/ could change based on reactions to events, etc.

-suicide is present with many disorders.  seems to be high in people with bpd though.

-not sure about the avoidance.  This could be due to anxiety or depression.  I tend to avoid stuff.  I think initially that was more due to a fear of being judged, now though I think it is due to the constant failures.  ??  Although one doctor now says they think I have avoidant and dependent personality traits and not bpd (borderline personality disorder).  ??

cbt and dbt have like an agenda and sometimes it feels a little contrived (you have this space where you learn skills) when you just want to be engaged with in a normal way (focus on the real things are happening in your life).

I've made a mess of my post but I would recommend looking up borderline personality disorder.  I found the dsm-iv good because it was black and white but you may like to hear about others experiences.  Could be worth looking into.

[looloo141]

Hi I have read everyones posts, but immediately from your first post I thought this is more than "depression".
I don't know if anyone agrees but I find that Depression just doesn't cut it anymore, there are so many different levels of depression that I feel it undermines people's illness.
People talk about Depression like it is a common cold and that people should just take Anti Depressants, eat a good diet and pull themselves together..mild depression is bad enough but anything more than that feels worse than depression..hope that made sense, anyway back to you...
When I read your question the first thought that came into my mind ( I am very instinctual lol) was Major Depressive Disorder, or if you had said what your mood is like when you swing the other way I would say possible Bipolar Disorder type 2.

I think that people who struggle with mood for years on end is very unlikely to just have bog standard depression.
Depression can become so extreme that you feel detached, dissociative, I think things get worse quite rapidly and you end up with pyschotic features..
My diagnosis before the Bipolar one was Major depressive with pyschotic features, after having crippling depression for about 8 years, with allsorts of anti depressants being prescribed and nothing worked.
Do you find that anti depressants don't help? I was on zoloft and trazadone at the same time and they didn't lift it one bit!
The problem for me was that nobody of any importance saw my highs until a few years later, until I got so manic that my life fell apart.
Before my bipolar was diagnosed and the doctor had prescribed every anti depressant possible, they started me on Lithium and an anti pyschotic.
This altered things immediately, and I was finally coming out of the depression.
I have heard of doctors prescribing mood stabilisers and antipyschotics to people that aren't Bipolar but have a severe mood disorder like what you describe.. you should discuss this with your doctor because your depression obviously is complicated.
I don't know very much about Borderline Personality Disorder so I can't really comment, but the comments above are spot on!
This is very obvious to me that there is more to your illness than your doctor previously thought! Please don't give up, keep pestering that doctor until you feel better!
Nobody should feel suicidal for such a long time, that is terrible.
I hope you can get the help you need soon
Hugs )))))

[Jaquta]

Google.  Just type in dsm-iv for bpd.

The other symptoms you mention about decreased need for sleep and feeling more energized correspond with bipolar.

I would get a psych asessment done.  I guess I just assumed that that was something you'd already done due to your mention of moderate to severe depression.
Maybe it's more than one condition.  Best to let a psychiatrist diagnose the problem.

[missiemids]

Thanks for clearing that up. I have looked up borderline personality disorder and i don't think i fit that. I have found 1 personality test online and did it. It came out as not having bpd, where can i find the dsm-iv for it?

[missiemids]

You have raised some valid and helpful points.

It has been suggested that i see a psychatrist so i might discuss it more with my GP. With me its more of being scared of what he might say.

The therapist well , its not his fault but i do feel as if he thinks im a time waster. I don't know if it will be of any benefit to me at all. I do have a pretty bad social phobia so may be its to do with that. I just feel he is asking the impossible at the moment. the feeling of being detached is all part of it.

Fibromyalgia.... yes thats something to look into. i'm seeing my GP this week about problems i've been having along those lines. I do have  oseoarthritis so may be that that's making me so tired. again i mentioned to the therapist , he said its because im not sleeping. I go from sleeping to much to not sleep at all. I go for a week of hardly any sleep than it hits me and i sleep/drozey for up to 3 days at a time. My bouts of depression can last for weeks on end then once im out of it i go all busy busy busy. I get loads done. thats what makes me think im bipolar II. After a while of that i crash down again.... right down into a really deep depression.

Sorry i'm going on a bit.

Im UK by the way so might have a different approach to it if you are not in the UK.

[missiemids]

Thank you jaquta. I to thought i may be bpd 2 but asked my therapist and he said no because my highs don't go high enough. He seems to be sticking to chronic depression but can't help but feel that it is something more. I have had blood tests that don't show any other reason for the tireness, again when i have asked about it i just get told its because i am not sleeping. It gets hard being tired all day everyday ...sooo draining in its self.

[Jaquta]

I'm biased but the symptoms remind me of those associated with bpd.

I would see your doctor and ask them to do a physical exam.  There may be a reason why you feel so tired all the time (other than being anxious or depressed).

You may like to look up the dsm-iv for bpd.

[Peter Forster]

Chronic depression can create an "alternate reality" from which it can be hard to connect with others who don't share that reality. There are language barriers (you say one thing, people react to it as if you said something else - or they say something and you hear it as something different) and other barriers to connecting across these different experiences of life. That is the association that I make to your post. But I think it would be really great to hear from other folks about their experiences of this issue.