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987762 tn?1331027953

Being taken advantage of whilst vulnerable....?

Hey Guys and Dolls,

Okay let me just start by saying that I still feel totally creeped out by what happened yesterday, and it's not the first time this particular male has left me feeling creepy but yesterday wasn't something i could ever be comfortable with in any way shape or form.....it was soooo not alright right!

Yesterday was not one of my better days......id not really had much sleep on top of already been dealing with my issues escalating with the hot weather and yet another uti. So my ability to verbally communicate was just as screwed up as all my other issues from the time I got up but communication got worse after playing phone tag for a few hours lol prolonged verbal conversation when my ability to talk is never really a good idea.

lol You get the idea of just how good i could fake it yesterday, err think not at all, it was blatantly obvious what with the walking like a string puppet, loosing my balance, talking as best I could etc but I still put on my friendly hat when this male friend turned up for a cup of coffee and a chat...

How good a friend is he, not very to be honest, to me he's in the 'friend' category simply because he's someone i've known for about 15 years and he's shown up for coffee and a chat once in a blue moon through out those years, with the last years visits becoming a lot more frequent since he retired. He's i suppose slightly more than an acquaintance but I most definitely do not think of him as a close friend and do not encourage any type of physical contact!

The first time he gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek, it wasn't that unexpected as it wan't out of the ordinary on some ones birthday to make that seem a weird thing to do......but more recently every time i'm saying good bye to him at the front door, he's been making me feel more and more creeped out. The first time it felt inappropriate i passed it off, thinking it was an accidental or just being thoughtless, mind you he was at least an arms length away from me when he said "give me a hug" and suddenly grabbed me and pulled me off balance towards him to get a full frontal hug. Man handle me or knock me and i'm always more focused on suddenly being out of balance, than what i've grabbed to save me from going down (btw do not grab sliding doors!) so it genuinely could of been innocent but after yesterday i think he's been copping a feel and using my vulnerability to get away with it.

The next time he grabbed me for a hug was months later, and for some reason he just grabbed me with his hands on my hips and pulled me off balance towards him, and I thought because as soon as i got my balance again, i immediately pulled back to get out of the unexpected and unwanted frontal hug, being a small women his inappropriate hand placement was why his hands slid extremely close to my breasts BUT no matter what i said, how stand offish i behaved, how I reacted afterwards, how much i talked about my husband etc to keep these creepy hugs from happening again, he'd still seem to get his hands on me some how.

Yesterday, my son was there during the entire visit and I had already asked him a few weeks ago after the last creepy hug, if he wouldn't mind coming to the door when this guy left because i needed to know if he would behave differently if someone else was there........my son did see him to the door with me but there'd been such a normal conversation saying good bye that my son left me alone with him, after he had stepped out side and i was starting to close the door.

What my son missed was him shocking the hell out me by saying where's my 60th birthday kiss, again grabbing me with his hands on my hips, pulling me off balance and whacking a hard kiss on my lips, and doing the slide thing with his hands again. He's standing there with a big grin on his face like surprise and waiting for me to say something, i'm hanging onto the front door stunned out of my mind. He'd been talking to both of us for over an hour and not said a thing about it being his birthday, and sh!t sh!t he'd kissed me and with a very unhappy tone I just said "happy 60th birthday you old git".

One minute i'm about to close the door and the next thing he's stepped back into the house, and he's grabbed me again but he's spinning me around so i land half bent over between his legs, as i'm falling i'm saying "NO, DON'T" and then I see his hand is coming down to smack me on the bottom......he then spins me again and i'm already yelling "NO, STOP, seriously DON'T" and he smacks the other side of my bottom and he leaves laughing, like it was all just a bit of fun.

I am so creeped out, it's so was not funny!              

EEK........JJ
  
16 Responses
5112396 tn?1378017983
Oh JJ. First off, I'm so, so sorry this whole situation has happened. It does NOT sound okay. It's not as easy as some people think to verbalise 'do not do this' - especially in a situation where none of it seems in context! You do not have any sort of flirtation or emotional connection with this creep. I would say, in the absence of him being the kind of guy who comprehends the discomfort caused and inappropriate nature of his actions or the aforementioned 'do not do this', I'd personally be all for cutting him out of my life. You don't need this. Nobody does.
4943237 tn?1428991095
Ewwww, that just gross JJ!!!  On so many levels and definitely not okay.    

Perhaps your husband needs to pay this git a visit and tell him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is NOT appropriate and if it happens again you will take it further.  I should imagine you would have been left feeling quite shaken and vulnerable.

It's bad enough having to struggle on hot days without dirty, lewd men getting a laugh out of carrying out an assault.  

I don't think I'd open the door if he turns up again.

Take care


H
1 Comments
Sounds like he is developing dementia.
15288417 tn?1446902183
Hi,
NO, NO, NO!
Why would he do that to you!
To start with, he's supposed to be a friend, who obviously knows what you are dealing with and he also would know you have a husband & family.
Why is it that some people get a kick out of doing such a thing, this guy has gone way to far!
To make you feel in a way that you are uncomfortable in any way is totally unacceptable and to be honest, as you put it, 'creepy' Then to also put you in the position of unbalance too, that is just so bad!  Vulnerability is one thing, this guy definitely knew what he was there for and that was to get whatever he could disregarding how uncomfortable and vulnerable you were going to be. Let's just hope he doesn't come calling for a coffee again. It's good that you explained to your family what he's like, they will protect you always, you obviously have a great husband and family, be safe in the fact they are looking after you.
I feel so sad that you have had to go through this and the guy responsible just thinks of it as a laughable experience.
I do hope you will be ok JJ.
Take care of yourself
T
Avatar universal
I'm shocked that anyone could do that, especially to someone that they have known that long. He is obviously a disturbed man and I am so sorry you had to deal with him AND his inexcusable behavior on top of everything else.

You are absolutely right in trusting your instincts that this man is someone to be avoided. It sickens me that things like this can happen to those who are vulnerable. I read an article recently that came to mind when I read your post.

http://driftingthrough.com/2015/11/20/the-thing-all-women-do-that-you-dont-know-about/

Please be careful with this man, JJ, he is not worthy of courtesy if he can behave this way and on several occasions to boot.

I hope you aren't too shaken,

Corrie
Avatar universal
JJ,

It is painful for me to read your post.  This man is obviously not a true friend and feels he can take advantage of you.

You are a strong and intelligent woman and know what needs to be done.

This creep needs to be removed from your life.

Gina

987762 tn?1331027953
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hubby actually called just after.....he was pi$$ed off! He did offer to go around and make it clear he needed to keep his hands to himself, if I didn't believe I could handle the situation.

Whilst I was talking out how creepy i was feeling, I was still trying to work out what i'd ever done to give this guy the impression he had permission to touch me and hubby said "I know you babe, you didn't do anything except be your self, but to guy's like him, they see a women being friendly to them as giving permission." I so do not get why i'm still dealing with men who don't know how to keep their hands to themselves, I didn't like it in my 20's and i still don't like it in my 50's....yuck yuck yuck!

You know what angered DH the most, hubby knows exactly how helpless I would of been once this guy had made me loose my balance and he knows just how hard he would of had to of been holding on to me, to stop me from going down....so hubby has no doubts that this guy's been taking advantage of my mobility issues to get away with touching me in a more interment way, than what would ever be appropriate.

I actually think he's going to try to pass it off as just joking around without thinking but what he was doing before, already made me 'very' uncomfortable being alone with him and after yesterday, he's just crossed such a big boundary, that i doubt i'm ever going to feel safe being in the same room with him again, so he's not getting in my house again!  

Thanks for the support..........JJ
1 Comments
Thanks for the update JJ. I'm certainly glad that your husband is aware of and comprehends what happened. And definitely keep this guy out of your house! Our homes are sacred and should always be a safe place. This shouldn't have happen to you anywhere, but I think it's time to roll up the welcome mat for good.
9745005 tn?1410044366
How terrible!  So sorry this man thinks it's ok to take advantage of you!   I hope he gets straightened out soon and realizes that his visiting days are over!  

Karen
11079760 tn?1483386130
That is awful!!! What a total CREEP!!! I am so glad you are NOT letting him into your home ever again. I am so very sorry to hear what you have been through.

Cheryl
5265383 tn?1483808356
Oh ... just UGH.  I would have been tempted to call the  police and get a restraining order. As it is, no more visits.  I am speechless and disgusted.  Could be dementia, but whatever the cause, no way is that safe.  So sorry, JJ :(.
667078 tn?1316000935
He can't be trusted never see him again period. He is a sicko who likes vulnerable women and it is what I call rape.
Alex
5509293 tn?1428531475
Agree with all others posting here. You don't need that. He more than crossed the line and how dare he when your son was there especially and to be so sneaky. So sorry. That is an ordeal. Might be worth getting one of those chains on your door if you don't have one already so you can open the door when bell rings but you are safe.
12832842 tn?1448728801
Yes.  I like the chain on the door idea. Boundaries need established FOR SURE.
12080135 tn?1453627571
Sorry only just seen this JJ, what a total *%!!
To be honest, I would report him to your local cop shop. You're a strong, intelligent woman, but physically you're vulnerable in these situations. Even if you manage to tell him to xx off, or your husband does, this guy is clearly not acting normally and could pose a threat to other women if he is frustrated by getting told to sling his hook by you.

It might be less of a laugh for his stupid head if he got a visit from the boys in blue to tell him how inappropriate he was - plus it gets him on their radar. I know this might seem over reacting, but these creeps can escalate. Keep the door shut if he comes again, if you've told the police and he turns up, just call them.

I'll not recommend physical aggression (my black belt past is screaming all sorts!), but these other things might help him get the message.

The fact you've told us shows you're still freaked out, I think you need to put an end to him thinking he can ever come round again. Fuming on your behalf here.

Nxx
987762 tn?1331027953
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm not sure if this will make sense to everyone but i am an optimist, i don't need to work at it, I just am. Like most things though there are positives and negatives, being an optimist has negatives too, one negative is that it is genuinely harder to not to see the best in people...

I think a good part of why this situation played out as it did, has to do with the way I think and behave.....just having the expectation that the people in my world will treat me as I treat them is quite peaceful, but because it's human nature to unconsciously apply your own intent on to others, when you always optimistically think the best of people, it can put you in a situation were your misreading or blind to someone else's 'true' intent until it is in your face and blatantly obvious.

If you'd asked me a couple of months ago I would of said he may be a man but he's harmless, he's an academic and since he's retired he's missing that so he's actually dealing with being lonely. I honestly didn't feel he had any interested in me as a women, now I know i misread or didn't see the subtle warning signs that something in his head had recently changed (btw he's been with his partner for 30yrs).

I honestly wasn't sure what was going on, the conversation during his visits didn't change, he wasn't doing anything to make it obvious he was incorrectly believing touching me was okay.........all I can say for sure is that his change of behaviour saying goodbye was making me 'feel' uncomfortable enough to be aware something was off and to talk about the way I was feeling with my family.

Until the other day's more obvious blatantly inappropriate intimate touch, I think i might of continued to be blind....you know, i think this situation has brought something home to me, that I didn't expect and wouldn't generally of believed of my self. I am vulnerable and I am helpless sometimes and it is stupid of me to avoid thinking about this side of my reality, just because I'd rather be an optimist!

HUGS.........JJ  
15288417 tn?1446902183
Hi,
I totally get and understand.  
Ditto to all said.
Hope you are ok.
T
667078 tn?1316000935
Men are really sensitive at the adam's apple stick one finger in it and you can push them all over the room. This man likes power over you. This is not about sex or attraction or leading him on it is about him feeling strong over your weakness.

Alex

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