Feeling angry and resentful

[KarenNadine]

Hello friends :)

Happy new Year to you all.  

I was wondering if my feelings of anger and resentment are normal and how do you manage them if you feel this way?  All I wanted was an explanation to my symptoms (which to be honest I felt sure fit MS) and since my Neuro has confirmed that he agrees it probably is MS after my MRI showing many brain lesions (coupled with history and ruling out other conditions) I am feeling really angry.

Is this normal?

My symptoms change from day to day too and this frustrates me.  Will it always be like this?  Will new things pop up or will it stay as it is now (I think I can just about handle it as it is now).  

I am exhausted both physically and mentally from feeling so bloody rough, tingly, numb, dizzy ......

I have no energy to work out (I was a runner before these symptoms reared their head) so I have gained half a stone, my mother was visiting when I got my DX on Dec 22 and yet she did nothing to help me over Christmas because I "look" ok so I must be feeling ok right?  

Ugghhhh - sorry ranting.  I have actually started a blog (let me know if you would like to read it, not sure if it is against rules to post it here) so that I can vent in there because I am very conscious that my partner met a slim, exciting, fun and vibrant woman and I am slowly turning into a withdrawn, moody and sad old bag.

Do any of you keep a blog?  This is my first and I do find it quite therapeutic but how else can I deal with these feelings.  I just want to go back in time ..... to when I felt good.  I guess you all do too so I apologise for my little pity party here.

[KarenNadine]

Thank you all for your replies, they mean so much to me and they really help to know I am not going cuckoo and my feelings are somewhat "normal" whatever that is.

Guitar_grrrl you made me smile because my partner is a man (maybe if I was with a woman I would feel less pressure lol) - he has been wonderful so VERY supportive that I think the guilt is coming from within me (like I dont want to put on him). In fact I said to him last night that we havent taken vows "in sickness or health" so I understand if doesnt want to deal with this.  He asked if I am giving him "an out" and I said that yes, I guess I am - he got SO mad at me.  Suffice to say I wont be bringing that up again.  I just feel bad about the affect this is having on family.  I am the rock usually, the one that runs around after everyone.  I run my own business during the day and then I am Mum/Domestic Goddess by evening .... at least I WAS.  I feel like I am losing who I was and I dont recognise who I am at the moment.  That sounds so bloody dramatic but it is true.

cjlbd - I read a book like that too this week.  Its true.  I dont come out of my room without hair and makeup and thank Goodness for my clinique under-eye concealer to hide the dark circles but it does sort of mask how I am feeling on the inside.  I just think I am too vain to not put the face on. lol


Sumanadevii - wow I am so sorry for what you went through trying to get your DX and I am so proud of you for doing something about it.  How can a Neuro miss the lesions and dx a pinched nerve?   Thats crazy!!!  I wish you the best of luck and will keep in touch if that is ok to see how you get on.

The friends things is tough for me to because all of a sudden they all know someone who has MS and just FINE (I read that as "so get over yourself") and then there are the ones that are all of a sudden doctors and telling me what to do different (what to eat, exercise etc).  I KNOW they are trying to help but it is hurtful and makes me angry.  

sllowe - I do tend to hold a grudge about stuff (a really bad trait I know) so I am hoping I will move through this pity party that seems to swing from me feeling pissed off at the world to sitting on my bed crying and feeling "why me" (why NOT me?!) - I appreciate your support.

ku111 and Dagun,

You ladies have been so lovely and supportive to me since I joined a short time ago as a limbo lander myself.  I hope that you get your dx soon as it was so frustrating knowing I was feeling like this with no answers.  I appreciate you both so much.  

Thanks again to you all.  It really helps to talk.

Lots of love to you
x

[Sumanadevii]

For most of us anger is there at different times.

I spent nearly nine years in a hell realm with no one understanding (except my husband) that something was seriously wrong.  I ran from specialist to specialist none finding anything but a little arthritis in my back.  I knew it wasnt a little bit of anything.

Friends forgot who I had been.  They forgot that I could run circles around them three or four times over.  They forgot how fast and quickly I could put things in order.  They forgot the many teens that ran in and out of my home.  They forgot me baking three cakes for the after school crew while doing laundry, housework, gardening, lawn work, maintenance on our home...oh the list could go on and on.  I also worked full time but I always had time for kids.

I feel what was done over those years was an emotional abuse of people throwing back exercises at me.  People telling me I needed to move more.  People that felt they were helping while hurting me over and over.

By the time I saw my first neuro and he dxed a pinched nerve and swore..and I mean he was asked over and over are you POSITIVE that a pinched nerve can cause such a serious problem.  At that point I gave  in.  The dx made no sense then nor does it today..

Explaining the pinched nerve theory to friends and family (not my sons or husband) only fueled their fire on becoming helpful to me with yet more exercises to try, etc.

I would have stayed with the idiot neuro had I not begun to lose the use of my right hand.  I had a gut full.  We made an appointment with yet another specialist that had me dxed within thirty hours or so.  

Time heals those wounds.  Friends felt awful for the pressure that they had added.  I wasn't mad with them but I was furious with that first neuro....If it hadn't been for my husband over the years saying we may never know that it is what it is and we would handle it, I think most would have left this life hoping for a better rebirth.

I am still angry with neuro number one.  I have hired a lawyer and we will be going to court.  I will have my say.  It doesn't matter if I lose the case or win.  He will know and that courtroom will know what a nut case he is....

They compared his mri's to those taken by my neuro in 2110.  Guess what?  Those lesions were present then...under his care.  I began visiting him walking and three years later I was no longer walking but in a wheelchair..

Yes, I was and remain angry.  I think until the day my lawyer allows me to be heard and I face this man, I will stay there.

If you go back to my first posts on this board, I found relief at knowing the name of the monster.  I have and still do feel that way.  Those posts are filled with anger at him!!!!!  It is where it should be...on his shoulders.

So yes, anger is an emotion.  We are all allowed it.  I have decided to do something about it.  I want that day in court.

[Guitar_grrrl]

Hi, there!  Yes, it's perfectly OK to be angry!  A blog is a wonderful way to work through the anger.

Your mom may think you look OK, but does she know that beneath your "look OK skin and clothes" you may feel lousy?  Let her know.  Do ask for help when you need it.  Nobody can read your mind.

I'm sorry about your partner.  It sounds like she's not handling your diagnosis well, either.  Talk to her!  Big heart-to-heart!  If she can't handle the new you, is she truly committed? If not, you deserve someone emotionally strong and healthy.  I've had a couple of indepth talks with my husband, and yes, he's strong enough to be my man (apologies to Sheryl crow :-D)

I know how it feels to not be as athletic as you had been.  My sport of choice is cycling, and I've gone from 40 mile rides, complete with mountains, to 10 mile rides on the flats.  I'm becoming comfortable with that, as even a short ride does wonders for my mood and energy.  Maybe you could take shorter runs?  Or brisk walks?  Or take up swimming (that's my next step)?  

Since I'm not exercising like I had been before things started getting ugly 4 years ago (had MS symptoms for some 20+ years before being diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago), I've had to pay extra attention to what I'm putting in my mouth.  Be extra good to yourself, and eat the best quality food you can get your hands on.  Like Michael Pollan says, "Eat Food, Not too Much, Mostly Plants".

Please PM me your blog URL.  I'd be interested in reading it.  Good luck to you!

[cjldb]

I think what you're experiencing is perfectly normal. I experienced the same thing shortly after being diagnosed. At first I felt like I was handling it so well. I later realized that I wasn't dealing with it I was trying to fix it. I was so busy with appointments and starting treatment and such that I felt like I was "doing something" to make it better. Then, once I got settled in and there was nothing left to "do" and I still had symptoms that like yours seemed to change daily....I was MAD! I was mad I couldn't fix it, I was mad that I had no control, I was mad that the plans I made for my life had to change, and I was even mad at people who didn't have MS....I think it's all part of coming to acceptance. After my anger came depression and crying (which is sooooo not my personality). Just something to be aware of. I am now on Cymbalta and it has helped tremendously. I feel much more positive, I have more energy, I've began yoga and feel much less stressed.

So with that said...go through the process. Anger is just a part of it...BUT it will get better. Just hang in there! And my mother-in-law gave me the BEST answer to the "you look good" comments, she said I should respond with "thank you but that has never a problem for me" : ) I also read a book that gave a suggestion. When you aren't feeling well, skip the makeup. It's not to deceive people but just to allow a visual of how you are feeling. They assume that if we can spend an hour(s) doing hair and makeup we must not feel too bad. It's what they do when they have the flu or are sick for a few days. However, this is our everyday life so we have learned that we have to get up, get dressed and carry on as normal so we try to appear "normal". They really don't realize how bad we feel and sometimes need the visual. We try so hard to cover up that we feel bad then we get upset when it actually works. I'm guilty myself. So....thow on some sweats, wash off the make up and see if your mother reacts differently. It might be an interesting experiment.

[sllowe]

You are more than entitled to have one, woman!

You can be downright p'sst over it all, and no-one here will blame you. I'm doubtful it will always stay this way - unless it's your nature to stay mad forever, at things, lol

Seriously though, I mention nature, but really mean normal tendencies. If it's a normal reaction for you to be mad initially over something that's so frustrating and not fixable, then you are probably just going through those motions. Some people get upset 1st,e tc.

It can get better for sure (coming from one that too gets mad/frustrated when I can't "fix" something). But, remember this...... You can't force this into submission if that makes sense.

To heck w/those who don't notice your limits. Just do what you can, and keep the hope in the back of your head that it may not always be like this :)

(((Hugs)))
shell

[Dagun]

Hi Karen,
I am so sorry that you're feeling this way, and I know it all to well myself! When I was going through my worst period of anger and frustration, I wrote also here to get a support called it "feeling lonely and boring" you could look that up on my page. Because we are SO alone with these feelings, exept for all the wonderful peoble we have here to look to. Noboby can see this happening to us, and then we get no support.

I am just bearly "hanging" in there myself, trying to convince myself that it will be soon that the neuro will do some more tests or diagnoze me! But I know I've have to move on and try to live my life, not just watch it go by.

I glad you're handling it with writing a blog, and I would like to see it if you will. Sometimes they remove links here, so you should maby send it to me in separated form.
My best to you, take care,
Dagun

[ku111]

I really do understand.  I was so angry about Jordan (my 12 yr old).  Everything has been ruled out and they still say "suspicioned MS".  I have been angry and sad a lot through the year.  I haven't seen MY Jordan since November 22, 2010.  I love the Jordan I have now so very much also.  Just glad to have him.  I decided the anger was destroying who I was and all the tears were getting us no where.  I had to get myself to a spot where I could focus on how to make things better with what I have to work with but still not giving up.  You guys have helped me and given me the strength to not give up.  I was so so angry.  I think it is a grieving process and everyone gets to their place.  I am sending many hugs your way.  I think your blog idea is good.  Jordan keeps a journal and it helps him a lot.  He has had a lot of anger and sadness also.  He wishes he could be "normal" again.  I stay away from negativity and try my hardest to be positive for him.  It's the only way I can get through the day.  Hang in there and I am always here for you.  I am so sorry this has happened.