HAS ANYONE HAD A SPOUSE LEAVE BECAUSE OF MS?

[starryeyes1]

I read somewhere from one of the members here that a very large percentage of marriages/relationships do not survive the diagnosis of MS. This worries me. I have always been self sufficient but now since I can't work, I constantly worry about not having income or insurance.

I read about other people's progression of this disease and am worried about how it will affect my marriage. I don't want to not be a fun person or everyone have to rearrange vacations or nights out because I can't walk in crowded places.
I have friends who have had MS for over 10 yrs, have over 20 lesions, and they lead normal lives, still working etc.
I guess I thought I would be like them.

I hate being insecure and needy... Anyone else feel this way?

[Cre8_it]

I can fully understand what you are feeling.  I sometimes feel insecure as well.  I think that the reason that we feel this way is because we are used to being able to work, bring in money, take care of our house, children and husbands.  When we can't do what we used to when they met us, we automatically start to wonder.  Heck, somedays I need a shower and I just can't muster up enough strength and energy to do it!  

I've been with my hubby for 20 years and going through MS stuff for about 8 years.  Yes it's tough but it can also bring you closer, as it has in our relationship.  I have had to deal with alot on my own as well (like my son being dx with autism), because my husband has to go away for months at a time to work so he can support us (I haven't had an income for 2 years now).

I believe that the love card can beat any other thrown your way, including MS!

Stay positive and you'll be OK!
Zeta

[candy158]

I know how you are feeling, with the insecurity and everything.  I have just be diagnosed, and we have been round the Dr's block for 2 years now, and it has been hell.  I was also afraid that my husband would get sick of me, and hit the road.  My brother-in-law also has MS and they had HUGE troubles in their married, till about 1 yr. ago, when my sister decided that her marriage was worth something, and turned herself around to be a support for her hubby.

I have been married for 31 yrs, in March, and I would not trade my hubby for anything.  Sure we cry together, and get mad together, and swear at the Dr's and the MS itself, but when push comes to shove, he says he will be there for me NO MATTER WHAT..... and you know, I believe him.  I love him to much, and he loves me too, so when I get insecure I talk to him about it, and it usually ends up, cozy.

Hope this gives you a little hope too, no one every said that road was gonna be easy, but it is our road, and we have to choose how to drive it.   bumps and all!!

take care, and keep your chin up,
*HUGS*
Candy

[Lulu54]

I hate to think that I just got lucky and there are more men out there like the ones Ren and I married.  My DH is so supportive and has always been that way for everything I do.  

We've been through a lot and fortunately had a lot of happy times before all the medical c rap hit the fan.  

He started it with open heart surgery and a hip replacement, both before the age of 56.

then I tried to catch up by having my own heart attack and this MiSerable diagnosis of MS.

We make quite the pair .... I wish I could tell you why it works, but I haven't much of a clue other than we are both stubborn and when we got marriend we knew it was meant to be something we would only do once.  

Please don't view yourself as a burden - that sets such negative expectations from the beginning.  Instead focus on what you bring to the relationship.

Good luck everyone.  BTW, we have been married 36+ years.    My own parents will celebrate their 68th anniversary in April.  I don't know if I can tolerate my husband that long - I may just only make 50!  LOL

Lulu

[rothexl]

i can fully understand your concerns- and especially how hard it must be to go through all of this whilst your husband is so far away. yes, i also think you will need to give it lots of time to work through this together once he's back, but i also am very optimistic that you will find a way together. it's normal to have rough times when something like this is happening, but as long as both of you feel they are heard and taken seriously (not just the person with ms) it will work out. going through this phase with my husband and he doesn't know how to deal with this either, at first he simply kept discarding me when i told him about my symptoms and later when we finally talked it turned out that he had thought he should try to keep things as normal as possible. and he understood how left alone i felt and has completely changed his ways of dealing with it all. i will always really make an effort to take it very seriously how he is feeling, i understand that this is pretty much just as bad for him as for me, and i do think this maybe even the most important thing. i wish you lots of strength and that you and your husband will go through this as well as possible- and if anything get even closer than before.
friederike

[HVAC]

Deployment puts a whole different spin on things. When he gets home you both will have a lot to adjust to. Chaplains are a good resource if you have access to one even if you are not religious they are trained in counseling. Either for yourself or for both of you. My father was a Navy Chaplain for 33 years.

Take care of yourself,
Alex

[starryeyes1]

Wow! Thanks for all the encouraging words.

I have been married for 14 yrs.  My husband is currently in Iraq and has been gone for the diagnosis and all the emotional drama that I have experienced. I don't want to further stress him out while he is over there. I feel like if I tell him too much, he will realize what a handful I might become.

He will be back in June and I am hoping that I will "come back to life" when we are together again. Maybe this seperation is what is causing my insecurity. I just never thought that I would be the one needing help.

Lets see, we've done .."For better or worse, For richer or poorer..now its "In sickness and in health".. Funny, so many say those words and never actually have to face it.

[Wobbly]

Hi there.. I was Dx last summer with PPMS and my hubby and I have been searching for answers to my symptoms for 4 or more years now.. we have answers and I feel bad quite often for my hubby... it's not something we planned for and it will effect our future plans...but we talk alot and find ways around it.. so far so good.

take care and communication helps.
wobbly
dx

[mary2010]

Its nice to hear a story like yours, it gives other people hope.....You are fortunate to have met such a wonderful man and its commendable you have been together for 34 years, thats great! :)

Mary

[rendean]

.My thoughts are similar to what tarter and Alex said. My husband , after the initial diagnosis was not happy with the turn our lives took. But, after last summer's back to back vertigo episodes he suddenly understood what I needed. Now, he doesn't get angry when I'm in a flare and sleep half the day away. He is attentive and caring.

As for the financial side, I was making as much as he was so it was definitely a financial strain, especially with kids in college. When I was forced into disability, he was MY rock. He reassured me that I had done nothing wrong. He said it was my employer's loss. Those words further cemented our 34 yr. relationship.

So, there are men out there that can handle the disease and be supportive. There are just hard to find.

I wish you well and hope that you ,too, can find that caring and attentive person who is out there waiting to meet you.

Ren

[mary2010]

hello starryeyes,

I can understand how you feel because I have felt for the most part a lot of insecurity in regards to finances since 2002 and I have felt needy many times, and worry a lot about my future as disabilty would only pay 900 dollars a month.  

I have had every man I was with leave me after I end up in the hospital with an MS attack and they are aware of my diagnosis. I guess I have not met the right man. I have known of men who stick by their women, but I have not met one personally.

I thought I met the right man when I got married this past year , but I was wrong and I can tell you that I was truly happier as a single person sick with MS. My husband is not supportive at all and actually treated me pretty badly during my most recent attack this January, yelling at me and just being plain rude as if he is angry at me for being sick! He spends about one hour a day trying to engage me in silly arguments.  In addition he is on unemployment and not making much of an effort to even look for work, I have been the breadwinner this past year and so in essence he is actually more of a burden in a time when I need support and I still worry about money because right now I am on medical leave with no income and he still hasnt paid the rent yet....I told him if he doesnt find a job before his unemployment runs out, I am getting a divorce because I cannot support any man financially.

Dont be in a rush to get married as I did, because it ended up being one of the biggest regrets of my life.

Mary

[HVAC]

There is no way of predicting how anyone's MS will progress. My first thought when the Doctors said MS is I can't do this to my husband. Three years later and I have PPMS I am still walking. The Doctors say I may have had MS 40 years.

Personally I think the biggest threat is the self-centeredness that naturally comes with disease. Our partners have to one be able to be honest with us and that is hard to do. Sometimes they are going to be mad at us or sick of having to makes sacrifices and we have to allow them their feelings and not say you can't get mad at me I have MS. It is stressful financially.

It is human nature not to want to be around someone who is down or in pain. My mother could not stand my father's complaining about Cancer.

Communication is a key and understanding people deal with things differently. My husband deals with the different bad news we get from Neurologists differently from me. I have to leave him alone. I like it when he has someone outside the marriage to talk to.

We signed up for a couples retreat set up by the MS Society with a Psychologist.

It also depends on the marriage. I was self sufficient and never intended on marrying when I met my husband. I did not go into the relationship needing someone to fill a void in my life. My husband and I do not believe in divorce period. We knew the people we were marrying. He has has some hard times to in the marriage and I never thought of walking. In thirteen years we have gone to bed angry twice.


No one knows what will happen tomorrow. One friend of mine lost her  50 year old husband to cancer, another friend's, young husband has a bad heart, one friend broke his neck while ridding his bike and is in a wheelchair, another friend's wife was saving a cat in the road and was killed. None of us knows.

Good luck,
Alex

[tarter]

Hi starryeyes,

MS will not change the person you are and you cannot stop loving someone because they have a health condition.

I know a couple that have grown stronger together through MS they have some good and some rough times but their love for each other has stood strong.

Hope you can also carry on working or doing something that keeps your independance.
There are so many autoimmune conditions today its difficult finding someone who has not got some ailment with health.

Its normal to feel a little insecure when you dont know what the future holds but that applies to all even if you dont have MS.

stay positive tarter