Aa
How do I confront him? It's a no win situation
Re last post 'lady not for moving', I will have to confront my GP. That will, without doubt, be the end. With nowhere else to go and entirely dependant on the medications provided, controlled drugs and all, it's over. Do I flap the evidence in front of his face? Ignoring what I now know is not an option, if he is under the impression that I am the wicked person the dangerous predecessor GP spread rumours about me to be, there is no point letting this breach of confidentiality go.
The man is immature, insecure, and I was alert to his change in manner in recent weeks. It took a chance comment by a consultant to make me realise he was not keeping his word. The consultant could not have known this unless they were in comminication with him without my knowledge or consent. It was an innocent, harmless remark, but enough to prove the case.
I only need him for drugs. I am not interested in his clinical attempts to prove himself as a doctor. He has shown he will not be by any means a star in this profession. Had he really been on top of me and my background he would know how ruthlessly I pursue and investigate doctors who are causing harm. Most of my unpopularity has come about from my unearthing information I wasn't supposed to access, even though it was my right. He should have known lying to me was a pointless effort.
Another abusive relationship. He is no more than my dealer, and can blackmail and muddy my name as his predecessor tried to. He will not have the maturity to own up or apologize. My worry is then what to do with my daily medical needs. I have been on narcotics for eight years plus, benzodiazepams for nearly two years, am entirely dependant on catheters. I am only now smoothly navigating hospital healthcare because I have a GP. Without one they won't touch you, as they don't get paid.
In pain, everything worsening. Very hard nearly impossible to get referrals via hospital consultants, nice gesture aside. He has me by the throat, and I'm tempted to let him strangle me and be done with it. I asked ONE thing of him, to respect my privacy. I didn't question his integrity when he agreed, fool that I still am. I hope every penny of the fortune he earns for seeing me brings him misery. I hate his guts.
Well, you know me well enough here to know my dark side. Wondering what I should do with the pills I have left?
The man is immature, insecure, and I was alert to his change in manner in recent weeks. It took a chance comment by a consultant to make me realise he was not keeping his word. The consultant could not have known this unless they were in comminication with him without my knowledge or consent. It was an innocent, harmless remark, but enough to prove the case.
I only need him for drugs. I am not interested in his clinical attempts to prove himself as a doctor. He has shown he will not be by any means a star in this profession. Had he really been on top of me and my background he would know how ruthlessly I pursue and investigate doctors who are causing harm. Most of my unpopularity has come about from my unearthing information I wasn't supposed to access, even though it was my right. He should have known lying to me was a pointless effort.
Another abusive relationship. He is no more than my dealer, and can blackmail and muddy my name as his predecessor tried to. He will not have the maturity to own up or apologize. My worry is then what to do with my daily medical needs. I have been on narcotics for eight years plus, benzodiazepams for nearly two years, am entirely dependant on catheters. I am only now smoothly navigating hospital healthcare because I have a GP. Without one they won't touch you, as they don't get paid.
In pain, everything worsening. Very hard nearly impossible to get referrals via hospital consultants, nice gesture aside. He has me by the throat, and I'm tempted to let him strangle me and be done with it. I asked ONE thing of him, to respect my privacy. I didn't question his integrity when he agreed, fool that I still am. I hope every penny of the fortune he earns for seeing me brings him misery. I hate his guts.
Well, you know me well enough here to know my dark side. Wondering what I should do with the pills I have left?
Is it Lauri or Laura? I'm not too with it right now but it was you who posted about your experiences with SLE wasn't it?
It's not a good time for me to talk right now. Feeling too raw and sleeping most of the time. Maybe in a few days. I can see nothing beyond my medication, only death. I cannot be left in uncontrolled agony. No life is worth that. Sorry to sound so dramatic. I just know how bad the pain can be, and I have wanted to end my life before just to make it stop. This medication is all that stands between me and that. I am not strong enough to be tortured to death.
Quix if you're reading this sorry I snapped at you. I just saw the word 'rehab', associated it with recreational drug using celebrities, and saw red. You are trying to help. The remark about stereotyping was uncalled for. I'm the worst one for stereotyping doctors.
Have suddenly posted my medical history on my own page. Don't know why. Shared so much. Maybe if anyone looks at it they will think I am moaning about nothing compared to what you are all going through, but I am not a mentally strong person. I can't accept disability with grace. Maybe very few people can.
Not all the diagnostic avenues are shut off, not yet. There is the neruosurgeon to see, hopefully the lupus people, and a suprisingly tenacious neurologist. As has been the case throughout my life, symptoms which for years are ignored or disbelieved eventually show themselves in some form of evidence.
So many of us here know the endless misery of dealing with a failing body and a doctor who thinks we are not actually suffering at all. I deal with such doctors with absolute unbridled venom, such is my nature. Those that help me rarely get genuine gratitude, although I may say the words. As far as I'm concerned they are doing their job, and paid very well indeed for it. They are not heroes in my eyes.
There are a lot of heroes in the medical world, from the compassionate secretary who makes sure a needy patient gets seen, to a health care assistant who gives comfort and care to vulnerable people for poverty level wages, to the cleaners who protect us from infection, even the nurses who remember their role as advocates for the patients. There are pharmacists who ensure mistakes are not made when the doctors mess up prescriptions, porters who risk their backs every day to help people move, technicians who diagnose us. They are the ones who make health care work. Take the doctors out of health care and I think the most that would happen would be it would improve. They cannot even do their own job, diagnosis, and try to lord it over others who mop up after their mistakes and do their work for them.
Some apology eh. Sorry again. You know I'm insane. Thank you from my heart for sticking with me anyway. Please don't abandon me now.
Farrah if you're reading this you are a true friend. I wish I could remember more Spanish, it would be fun to chat to you. When I lived in a Spanish speaking country for a few years I loved the language more than English. I even used to dream in Spanish!
Lord I hope I get my medications this week.
Will chat properly when I'm more settled in myself.
The friendship here is all I have, and I need it so much. Thank you.
Wish
It's not a good time for me to talk right now. Feeling too raw and sleeping most of the time. Maybe in a few days. I can see nothing beyond my medication, only death. I cannot be left in uncontrolled agony. No life is worth that. Sorry to sound so dramatic. I just know how bad the pain can be, and I have wanted to end my life before just to make it stop. This medication is all that stands between me and that. I am not strong enough to be tortured to death.
Quix if you're reading this sorry I snapped at you. I just saw the word 'rehab', associated it with recreational drug using celebrities, and saw red. You are trying to help. The remark about stereotyping was uncalled for. I'm the worst one for stereotyping doctors.
Have suddenly posted my medical history on my own page. Don't know why. Shared so much. Maybe if anyone looks at it they will think I am moaning about nothing compared to what you are all going through, but I am not a mentally strong person. I can't accept disability with grace. Maybe very few people can.
Not all the diagnostic avenues are shut off, not yet. There is the neruosurgeon to see, hopefully the lupus people, and a suprisingly tenacious neurologist. As has been the case throughout my life, symptoms which for years are ignored or disbelieved eventually show themselves in some form of evidence.
So many of us here know the endless misery of dealing with a failing body and a doctor who thinks we are not actually suffering at all. I deal with such doctors with absolute unbridled venom, such is my nature. Those that help me rarely get genuine gratitude, although I may say the words. As far as I'm concerned they are doing their job, and paid very well indeed for it. They are not heroes in my eyes.
There are a lot of heroes in the medical world, from the compassionate secretary who makes sure a needy patient gets seen, to a health care assistant who gives comfort and care to vulnerable people for poverty level wages, to the cleaners who protect us from infection, even the nurses who remember their role as advocates for the patients. There are pharmacists who ensure mistakes are not made when the doctors mess up prescriptions, porters who risk their backs every day to help people move, technicians who diagnose us. They are the ones who make health care work. Take the doctors out of health care and I think the most that would happen would be it would improve. They cannot even do their own job, diagnosis, and try to lord it over others who mop up after their mistakes and do their work for them.
Some apology eh. Sorry again. You know I'm insane. Thank you from my heart for sticking with me anyway. Please don't abandon me now.
Farrah if you're reading this you are a true friend. I wish I could remember more Spanish, it would be fun to chat to you. When I lived in a Spanish speaking country for a few years I loved the language more than English. I even used to dream in Spanish!
Lord I hope I get my medications this week.
Will chat properly when I'm more settled in myself.
The friendship here is all I have, and I need it so much. Thank you.
Wish
wish -
I am very relieved to hear you are OK. Im trying to determine how this whole thing started with your docs..Do you feel well enough to explain it to me? i.e. the old GP and what happened with him/and the new GP, etc; how and what they said about you to each other, etc.
I agree that no two people are alike, particularly with regards to pain tolerance,etc., but the system is usually the same. I was eventually turned down by my neuro who was the doc that had been presribing me - for YEARS - morphine, fentanyl, dilaudid, oxycontin, Avinza, MS Contin, and everyother breakthrough med available. I did no wake up one day and say, "Hey, this is too much...I should stop..." I was forced to stop after my doc - out of the blue - decided that whats was best for me (or so he wouldnt get into trouble). In any case, I am VERY familiar with the fear, anxiety and stress that comes with the knowledge that we may not get the usual amount to sustain ourselves.
I would love to hear how you came to be where you are today. My experience with this can maybe help you with your relationship with your doc, and help you continue with an amount of meds that keep the pain managable. That sense of hopelessness you feel right now is understandable, but can also make us do things we wish we hadnt. There is a sane and safe way out of this situation, and I would like to help if you would let me. This does not mean I'm trying to get you off of your meds - not in any way - but there has to be a way we can have you continue as you are without being cut off.
Please tell me how this started, and maybe the two of us can come to some sort of plan for tomorrow when the doctors office opens. Ive been where you are...you are not alone in this, OK?
love, Lauri
I am very relieved to hear you are OK. Im trying to determine how this whole thing started with your docs..Do you feel well enough to explain it to me? i.e. the old GP and what happened with him/and the new GP, etc; how and what they said about you to each other, etc.
I agree that no two people are alike, particularly with regards to pain tolerance,etc., but the system is usually the same. I was eventually turned down by my neuro who was the doc that had been presribing me - for YEARS - morphine, fentanyl, dilaudid, oxycontin, Avinza, MS Contin, and everyother breakthrough med available. I did no wake up one day and say, "Hey, this is too much...I should stop..." I was forced to stop after my doc - out of the blue - decided that whats was best for me (or so he wouldnt get into trouble). In any case, I am VERY familiar with the fear, anxiety and stress that comes with the knowledge that we may not get the usual amount to sustain ourselves.
I would love to hear how you came to be where you are today. My experience with this can maybe help you with your relationship with your doc, and help you continue with an amount of meds that keep the pain managable. That sense of hopelessness you feel right now is understandable, but can also make us do things we wish we hadnt. There is a sane and safe way out of this situation, and I would like to help if you would let me. This does not mean I'm trying to get you off of your meds - not in any way - but there has to be a way we can have you continue as you are without being cut off.
Please tell me how this started, and maybe the two of us can come to some sort of plan for tomorrow when the doctors office opens. Ive been where you are...you are not alone in this, OK?
love, Lauri
Thanks for concern. Sorry I didn't answer, been sleeping a lot.
This nightmare of a GP who I was briefly with last year, may, despite my requests for him not to be contacted by those who are investigating my complaint, be aware that I have turned up the pressure several notches. I have spent most of this year trying to undo his mess. I have consultants who have known me for many years who have been contacted by him, trying to wreck my reputation. Fortunately they ignored him. Then I have new consultants, and this new GP, who have not established a long term relationship with me. It is in the interests of this man's career to keep track of where I am and what I am doing and wrecking my reputation. He has a lot to hide, and he is fighting not to be found out.
There is every chance that with a new and immature GP he has made efforts to contact him, and our relationship is not only new, but filled from my side with mistrust because of what has happened before. I have never allowed myself to draw him in and establish a relationship with him. This and any harmful information he has, may influence him more than my medical needs. He is very immature, the type who will reach 50 and still be immature. He is so proud of being a doctor he's lost the point of his job.
Quix, as a doctor yourself, I wish I had you with me right now to navigate this situation and tell me how to deal with him. You advice is not to confront him. Well the damage has been done, so maybe you're right. If he is going to accept or spread gossip with my clear objection objecting again is not going to stop him..
I may request my records from this consultant, and check for notes of any phone calls, even letters. I have the evidence in what I heard, but I do not have it in front of me. It may be I do nothing with it. But the likelihood that new GP has this old GP's malicious information means he may well have now changed his opinion of me. And I asked for a daily increase in one of my medications, making it clear to him that I would never increase the others, as I have upper limits I have set.
I am not an addictive person. I take morphine because I can trust myself with it. I take the most I will allow myself and would never increase that dose, and I have not asked any doctor to. When the time comes I want to stop it. If I take the dose too high this will be more difficult. With the benzos I take a lot but less than the maximum I have personally set. I again asked for this increase for emergency use only. Saturday was such an emergency, I have another bladder infection, only this medication will take me out of spasm. I am very strict with what I take. In over eight years I have reached a relatively low level of dependence.
My conditions are worsening, the pain is worsening. I don't think it is an effect of the narcotics. I have really quite a high pain tolerance level. When I wake up in agony, I do not get relief immediately from my pills. I have to tolerate up to half an hour of severe pain. The only change is how I react to pain. I don't yelp and search for the site of injury when I fall or burn myself or stab myself, I just log the pain with all the rest. I have to consciously remind myself which pain is chronic and which is new. It is as if my brain is constantly receiving pain signals and no longer bothers to respond to them. Sometimes the first sign that my legs or hips are in need of attention is I start limping and stumbling, I have trained my mind to ignore the pain signals until they become severe. I really don't know what point I'm trying to make.
Buying street drugs is not an option I want. And I would need to be in a very good state to research the right person. Not being a teenager the dealers are not jumping out of street corners to deal with me. Even the few that do, even in my desparation I am cautious, and riddiculously poor.
Many many years ago, I visited a country where it was very easy to find whatever strange substance you needed. I was not on painkillers as I am now, but wanted to bring some souvenirs home. I was stopped by border police, and spent nearly an hour having my bag and self meticulously searched. How they never found my collection was a miracle. I was looking at a hefty prison sentence and the end of my professional credibility too. It was a silly stunt by a kid who did not think through the seriousness of what I was doing. It should have scared me off for life. I spent the rest of the journey home and some weeks after terrified that they would realise their mistake and come knocking on my door.
Farrah, it is rare here too for people to be prescribed morphine unless they are dying. I am fairly unique in getting this regularly on prescription. But I have been taking it a long time, no-one knows who started me on it first, even I don't remember. There is nothing about my route through the medical system which is normal, or even pathologically abnormal. I have just been the type of person who will not take c r a p from doctors and always have been, and consequently have had a few throw a pile of drugs at me and run away, metaphorically. But now, so many years down the line, nobody can turn around and say "this is wrong". My condition has been allowed to deteriorate and my body is dependant. I have had a small experience of withdrawal. I am not physically strong enough to go through the process. And at the end the pain would be so severe it would be dangerous for me to be without medication. I am locked in this relationship.
Laura I know you have been in a similar situation, but no two people are the same. We can chat if you like.
Any doctor finger poiniting and calling me an addict is not being professional. Give them twenty seconds with my pain. See how quickly they reach for the morphine.
I don't need 'rehab', whatever that is. I need to not be in pain. Then I can take myself off the medications. I am tired of people underestimating my self-control. Using drugs does not automatically turn you into a stereotype. Sorry Quix, I'm not having a dig at you. You are my friend. I need more professional help to deal with the trauma caused to me by doctors than by drugs.
I have never trained as a doctor. I have no idea at what point so many turn from regular young person into institutionalized t w a t. Personally I think that anyone under 30 years old should not be allowed to train. Let them live a real life first. And get them away from the riddiculous heirarchy of their profession which turns them into career robots, surviving just to be in the boots of their incompetent old teachers and be able to boss others around, particularly patients. I don't play their game, and I suffer the consequences.
Quix, your advice to hold back on my nature and let things be is the politically best one. I'll take it unless I am confronted. But I need to get my facts together, and I need to cover myself regarding pain relief. It that involves looking at other non-medical suppliers, so be it. But better not to be in that position.
My monthly prescription is due now. In a few hours the surgery opens, and I can again request the extra I need. I'm sitting here in pain at the moment, holding back as I have side effects. Within an hour I will have to give in.
I didn't mean to cause alarm. I am weak and somewhat lame at the moment, but I can look after myself I hope. Time was when I was a semi-professional martial artist, I knew how to defend myself. But then I had a body which worked well. Generally troublemakers keep away from me, I have scary eyes when I need to. Doesn't encourage shady drug dealers either unfortunately, they probably think I've come to arrest them or something. Going hunting for pills when I was desparate was not a good idea. I probably scared the locals so much I cleaned up the whole district. Ha ha.
wishforrelief
This nightmare of a GP who I was briefly with last year, may, despite my requests for him not to be contacted by those who are investigating my complaint, be aware that I have turned up the pressure several notches. I have spent most of this year trying to undo his mess. I have consultants who have known me for many years who have been contacted by him, trying to wreck my reputation. Fortunately they ignored him. Then I have new consultants, and this new GP, who have not established a long term relationship with me. It is in the interests of this man's career to keep track of where I am and what I am doing and wrecking my reputation. He has a lot to hide, and he is fighting not to be found out.
There is every chance that with a new and immature GP he has made efforts to contact him, and our relationship is not only new, but filled from my side with mistrust because of what has happened before. I have never allowed myself to draw him in and establish a relationship with him. This and any harmful information he has, may influence him more than my medical needs. He is very immature, the type who will reach 50 and still be immature. He is so proud of being a doctor he's lost the point of his job.
Quix, as a doctor yourself, I wish I had you with me right now to navigate this situation and tell me how to deal with him. You advice is not to confront him. Well the damage has been done, so maybe you're right. If he is going to accept or spread gossip with my clear objection objecting again is not going to stop him..
I may request my records from this consultant, and check for notes of any phone calls, even letters. I have the evidence in what I heard, but I do not have it in front of me. It may be I do nothing with it. But the likelihood that new GP has this old GP's malicious information means he may well have now changed his opinion of me. And I asked for a daily increase in one of my medications, making it clear to him that I would never increase the others, as I have upper limits I have set.
I am not an addictive person. I take morphine because I can trust myself with it. I take the most I will allow myself and would never increase that dose, and I have not asked any doctor to. When the time comes I want to stop it. If I take the dose too high this will be more difficult. With the benzos I take a lot but less than the maximum I have personally set. I again asked for this increase for emergency use only. Saturday was such an emergency, I have another bladder infection, only this medication will take me out of spasm. I am very strict with what I take. In over eight years I have reached a relatively low level of dependence.
My conditions are worsening, the pain is worsening. I don't think it is an effect of the narcotics. I have really quite a high pain tolerance level. When I wake up in agony, I do not get relief immediately from my pills. I have to tolerate up to half an hour of severe pain. The only change is how I react to pain. I don't yelp and search for the site of injury when I fall or burn myself or stab myself, I just log the pain with all the rest. I have to consciously remind myself which pain is chronic and which is new. It is as if my brain is constantly receiving pain signals and no longer bothers to respond to them. Sometimes the first sign that my legs or hips are in need of attention is I start limping and stumbling, I have trained my mind to ignore the pain signals until they become severe. I really don't know what point I'm trying to make.
Buying street drugs is not an option I want. And I would need to be in a very good state to research the right person. Not being a teenager the dealers are not jumping out of street corners to deal with me. Even the few that do, even in my desparation I am cautious, and riddiculously poor.
Many many years ago, I visited a country where it was very easy to find whatever strange substance you needed. I was not on painkillers as I am now, but wanted to bring some souvenirs home. I was stopped by border police, and spent nearly an hour having my bag and self meticulously searched. How they never found my collection was a miracle. I was looking at a hefty prison sentence and the end of my professional credibility too. It was a silly stunt by a kid who did not think through the seriousness of what I was doing. It should have scared me off for life. I spent the rest of the journey home and some weeks after terrified that they would realise their mistake and come knocking on my door.
Farrah, it is rare here too for people to be prescribed morphine unless they are dying. I am fairly unique in getting this regularly on prescription. But I have been taking it a long time, no-one knows who started me on it first, even I don't remember. There is nothing about my route through the medical system which is normal, or even pathologically abnormal. I have just been the type of person who will not take c r a p from doctors and always have been, and consequently have had a few throw a pile of drugs at me and run away, metaphorically. But now, so many years down the line, nobody can turn around and say "this is wrong". My condition has been allowed to deteriorate and my body is dependant. I have had a small experience of withdrawal. I am not physically strong enough to go through the process. And at the end the pain would be so severe it would be dangerous for me to be without medication. I am locked in this relationship.
Laura I know you have been in a similar situation, but no two people are the same. We can chat if you like.
Any doctor finger poiniting and calling me an addict is not being professional. Give them twenty seconds with my pain. See how quickly they reach for the morphine.
I don't need 'rehab', whatever that is. I need to not be in pain. Then I can take myself off the medications. I am tired of people underestimating my self-control. Using drugs does not automatically turn you into a stereotype. Sorry Quix, I'm not having a dig at you. You are my friend. I need more professional help to deal with the trauma caused to me by doctors than by drugs.
I have never trained as a doctor. I have no idea at what point so many turn from regular young person into institutionalized t w a t. Personally I think that anyone under 30 years old should not be allowed to train. Let them live a real life first. And get them away from the riddiculous heirarchy of their profession which turns them into career robots, surviving just to be in the boots of their incompetent old teachers and be able to boss others around, particularly patients. I don't play their game, and I suffer the consequences.
Quix, your advice to hold back on my nature and let things be is the politically best one. I'll take it unless I am confronted. But I need to get my facts together, and I need to cover myself regarding pain relief. It that involves looking at other non-medical suppliers, so be it. But better not to be in that position.
My monthly prescription is due now. In a few hours the surgery opens, and I can again request the extra I need. I'm sitting here in pain at the moment, holding back as I have side effects. Within an hour I will have to give in.
I didn't mean to cause alarm. I am weak and somewhat lame at the moment, but I can look after myself I hope. Time was when I was a semi-professional martial artist, I knew how to defend myself. But then I had a body which worked well. Generally troublemakers keep away from me, I have scary eyes when I need to. Doesn't encourage shady drug dealers either unfortunately, they probably think I've come to arrest them or something. Going hunting for pills when I was desparate was not a good idea. I probably scared the locals so much I cleaned up the whole district. Ha ha.
wishforrelief
You have a lot of firends here who care about you and are concerned with your mental state right now.
First off, you have already "lived" the "confrontation with your GP in predicting the worst. Please don't do that. I suggest that you try to talk with him and ask what his intentions are with regard to your care. Don't bother to confront him about talking about you behind your back. Just find out where you stand. Be as calm as you can. It might not be as bad as you have already envisioned. He has been willing to give you your meds for now - How long? If he shows he has changed his mind and is changing your contract, then you will know for sure. But, maybe he hasn't. Give that avenue a chance before throwing it away completely.
Your pain is very real, but you know as well as I that the narcotics amplify all pain, so that you need more and more. The addiction to the benzo's is far more dangerous. what are your thoughts about requesting drug rehab? Is it available in the NHS?
I agree that going to the streets is not a good or safe thing to do. Lauri has some ideas about making the meds you do have last, why don't you contact her? Remember, you come back to us because you sense a real compassion here. We are your friends and don't want you to do anything self destructive. More people than your realize have been in your position. Even though it feels very lonely and hopeless, it is not.
We will be waiting on hearing from you.
Quix
First off, you have already "lived" the "confrontation with your GP in predicting the worst. Please don't do that. I suggest that you try to talk with him and ask what his intentions are with regard to your care. Don't bother to confront him about talking about you behind your back. Just find out where you stand. Be as calm as you can. It might not be as bad as you have already envisioned. He has been willing to give you your meds for now - How long? If he shows he has changed his mind and is changing your contract, then you will know for sure. But, maybe he hasn't. Give that avenue a chance before throwing it away completely.
Your pain is very real, but you know as well as I that the narcotics amplify all pain, so that you need more and more. The addiction to the benzo's is far more dangerous. what are your thoughts about requesting drug rehab? Is it available in the NHS?
I agree that going to the streets is not a good or safe thing to do. Lauri has some ideas about making the meds you do have last, why don't you contact her? Remember, you come back to us because you sense a real compassion here. We are your friends and don't want you to do anything self destructive. More people than your realize have been in your position. Even though it feels very lonely and hopeless, it is not.
We will be waiting on hearing from you.
Quix
Hey Wish -
Its Lauri, we spoke before about SLE and the pain med situation. Please post when you get back - I am also very worried, and have been in your position before. There is a way to make the meds you have last, and still stay pain free...Please post as soon as you read this. Your decision to buy meds is not a good one...it has SERIOUS consequences, and you run the risk of being without pain meds for the rest of your life....Please post back
Lauri
Its Lauri, we spoke before about SLE and the pain med situation. Please post when you get back - I am also very worried, and have been in your position before. There is a way to make the meds you have last, and still stay pain free...Please post as soon as you read this. Your decision to buy meds is not a good one...it has SERIOUS consequences, and you run the risk of being without pain meds for the rest of your life....Please post back
Lauri
Please, please, please, as hard as it gets, keep on posting. I am worried sick, you're in too bad of a shape to go to the shady part of town! Please take care, please let us know when you get back, are you sure you HAVE to go? can't you go to the ER and get some relief, even if it is for a little??
Move to South America NOW! come on over, i'll introduce you to my neuro, you also need some support. Nurses and doctors here, specially at the ERs tend to "baby" you a lot. "Hi honey, come here, how are you feeling? are you 100% comfy?".
How on earth did you end up on morphine?? over here, Tramadol is the strongest stuff you will be able to get at the pharmacy, and i only get mine prescription free because i have gone to the same pharmacy ever since i got dx with AS, but morphine... dear, that is something you would have to go to the hospital to get that. And probably they would only give it to you if you were experiencing last stages of cancer or something like that. I got a couple of doses of Morphine when i knocked a whole pan of frying oil on my left hand. I thought i was gonna die from the pain.
Wish, i am extremely worried about you. You need to get some real help TODAY. I'm terribly worried because it's already late in the UK.
Please post back.
I am praying for you.
love,
Farrah
Move to South America NOW! come on over, i'll introduce you to my neuro, you also need some support. Nurses and doctors here, specially at the ERs tend to "baby" you a lot. "Hi honey, come here, how are you feeling? are you 100% comfy?".
How on earth did you end up on morphine?? over here, Tramadol is the strongest stuff you will be able to get at the pharmacy, and i only get mine prescription free because i have gone to the same pharmacy ever since i got dx with AS, but morphine... dear, that is something you would have to go to the hospital to get that. And probably they would only give it to you if you were experiencing last stages of cancer or something like that. I got a couple of doses of Morphine when i knocked a whole pan of frying oil on my left hand. I thought i was gonna die from the pain.
Wish, i am extremely worried about you. You need to get some real help TODAY. I'm terribly worried because it's already late in the UK.
Please post back.
I am praying for you.
love,
Farrah
Just gone into spasm and am scared to take my benzo muscle relaxant as I will have less for later and took my next dose of morphine an hour too soon and I can't live with this and also fight the system. Been up since 10am and still haven't gone out after staying indoors all day yesterday. I am being crippled by this. I can't move, pee, see straight, think straight.
Great material to work with the public in a few weeks, what is the health service DOING to me? Hell, if that consultant offered to top up my drugs next week I will contact them, and deal with the fallout from my GP later. Means I'm breaking our contract, but only fololowing his lead. If he's going to dump me, I need my medicine preferably from some pharmaceutical company, not some stranger on the street who will charge me money I don't have to give me a tablet made of chalk and asbestos or something.
If I was an animal I would be offerred better pain relief.
Even considering going back to the eye hospital and asking them for what I need, as long as I say it's for my eyes.
I have NEVER hospital or doctor 'shopped' for medications. Yet here I am considering just that. These same doctors wouln't put up with a fraction of what they expect their patients to put up with. They have the 'key' to the drugs cabinet, and no-one else's pain is real to them because they can't see it. Except in my case they can. It is there on the MRIs, the surgery findings, the optical findings.
As a nurse I would be treating patients with the same conditions as me with powerful painkillers, standing there in agony administering THEM drugs for MY problem. The temptation to just jab the relief into myself was there, don't worry, never did. I had absolute integrity in my work. It was so hard, wathching them relax and drift off to sleep while I struggled to walk out. They had good doctors who referred them for treatment. I had nobody.
Okay will go out now. Am going to the seedy part of town. Never done this before but I need pharmaceutical assistance. Taking a giant risk, with my life, also with my job if I am caught. Will see how I feel when I get there.
I am not some teenager experimenting with drugs. How did I get to even be considering this?
Spasms so bad. Have to take the other pill. Won't move until I do. Won't be surprised if Quix deletes this thread, am talking of bad things here. My head is not straight.
Great material to work with the public in a few weeks, what is the health service DOING to me? Hell, if that consultant offered to top up my drugs next week I will contact them, and deal with the fallout from my GP later. Means I'm breaking our contract, but only fololowing his lead. If he's going to dump me, I need my medicine preferably from some pharmaceutical company, not some stranger on the street who will charge me money I don't have to give me a tablet made of chalk and asbestos or something.
If I was an animal I would be offerred better pain relief.
Even considering going back to the eye hospital and asking them for what I need, as long as I say it's for my eyes.
I have NEVER hospital or doctor 'shopped' for medications. Yet here I am considering just that. These same doctors wouln't put up with a fraction of what they expect their patients to put up with. They have the 'key' to the drugs cabinet, and no-one else's pain is real to them because they can't see it. Except in my case they can. It is there on the MRIs, the surgery findings, the optical findings.
As a nurse I would be treating patients with the same conditions as me with powerful painkillers, standing there in agony administering THEM drugs for MY problem. The temptation to just jab the relief into myself was there, don't worry, never did. I had absolute integrity in my work. It was so hard, wathching them relax and drift off to sleep while I struggled to walk out. They had good doctors who referred them for treatment. I had nobody.
Okay will go out now. Am going to the seedy part of town. Never done this before but I need pharmaceutical assistance. Taking a giant risk, with my life, also with my job if I am caught. Will see how I feel when I get there.
I am not some teenager experimenting with drugs. How did I get to even be considering this?
Spasms so bad. Have to take the other pill. Won't move until I do. Won't be surprised if Quix deletes this thread, am talking of bad things here. My head is not straight.
Too wound up to respond well, will do it later.
I speak Spanish. Shall I move to Chile?
You have done well with your neuro. I have I think the only good neurologist in this country. He corresponds with me personally by email. This is unheard of here. He's a top consultant in a top hospital, and he behaves himself. Maybe because he's good enough that he has nothing to prove. I wish he could be my GP too and prescribe for me. The system in your country seems so much better than ours. Remember when the NHS was the envy of the world? Ha ha ha with a slow clap.
Thanks for caring.
By the way I am a long term morphine head (amongst many other narcotic drugs, including Tramadol), stopping any of my opioids/narcotics suddenly, along with stopping valium suddenly, could be fatal. I take very, very high doses. Maybe that's their goal, to kill me off?
I am in the worst imaginable mood, just as well it's the weekend and this doctor is on holiday, I need talking down or I am going to as Quix put it 'burn my bridges'. Explode them more like. Haven't left home for two days. May even go and look for some cannabis later to supplement my meds, I am being crippled to a halt. The doses I take are lethal to most people, but I have nearly a decade of tolerance in me. I once experienced withdrawal too when I was too long without a dose. Yes I am dependent. And pain or no pain, and I am in a lot of pain, my body cannot function any more without these medications. Even if they are killing me slowly I have to take them. The medical world got me into this mess by fobbing off my problems with pills for so long. They created this monster.
The worst crime a doctor can commit against me is to lie to me. And to talk behind my back. It is their little pleasure in the job, the gossip and b i t c h i n g about patients. I worked with them. I know what they are about. But with me they do NOT do that if they want to survive. And this man has. And he is very, very immature. He will not deal with me confronting him. Here I am, with professional training as a psychologist, and a nurse, amongst others, even experienced and professionally qualified in working with children with behavioural difficulties, and I can't deal with doctors. They have too much power in their egocentric sticky little hands. Ever tried to reason with a spoilt child, a spoilt toddler? Ever thought how it would be if they had absolute power? Welcome to the world of the UK GP.
Let me calm down Farrah, I'd like to talk. I always considered moving to South America, had a boyfriend from there. Am too old and hideous and disabled and cranky to have a man now. Maybe I should migrate? I love speaking Spanish....
I speak Spanish. Shall I move to Chile?
You have done well with your neuro. I have I think the only good neurologist in this country. He corresponds with me personally by email. This is unheard of here. He's a top consultant in a top hospital, and he behaves himself. Maybe because he's good enough that he has nothing to prove. I wish he could be my GP too and prescribe for me. The system in your country seems so much better than ours. Remember when the NHS was the envy of the world? Ha ha ha with a slow clap.
Thanks for caring.
By the way I am a long term morphine head (amongst many other narcotic drugs, including Tramadol), stopping any of my opioids/narcotics suddenly, along with stopping valium suddenly, could be fatal. I take very, very high doses. Maybe that's their goal, to kill me off?
I am in the worst imaginable mood, just as well it's the weekend and this doctor is on holiday, I need talking down or I am going to as Quix put it 'burn my bridges'. Explode them more like. Haven't left home for two days. May even go and look for some cannabis later to supplement my meds, I am being crippled to a halt. The doses I take are lethal to most people, but I have nearly a decade of tolerance in me. I once experienced withdrawal too when I was too long without a dose. Yes I am dependent. And pain or no pain, and I am in a lot of pain, my body cannot function any more without these medications. Even if they are killing me slowly I have to take them. The medical world got me into this mess by fobbing off my problems with pills for so long. They created this monster.
The worst crime a doctor can commit against me is to lie to me. And to talk behind my back. It is their little pleasure in the job, the gossip and b i t c h i n g about patients. I worked with them. I know what they are about. But with me they do NOT do that if they want to survive. And this man has. And he is very, very immature. He will not deal with me confronting him. Here I am, with professional training as a psychologist, and a nurse, amongst others, even experienced and professionally qualified in working with children with behavioural difficulties, and I can't deal with doctors. They have too much power in their egocentric sticky little hands. Ever tried to reason with a spoilt child, a spoilt toddler? Ever thought how it would be if they had absolute power? Welcome to the world of the UK GP.
Let me calm down Farrah, I'd like to talk. I always considered moving to South America, had a boyfriend from there. Am too old and hideous and disabled and cranky to have a man now. Maybe I should migrate? I love speaking Spanish....
Again, makes me so incredibly mad the way you have been treated! i thought the "let's spread our patient's dxs and stuff all over the place" happened only here, in South America, over Saturday morning golfing. At least, i have the blessing of being able to live in a country where the system works differently. If i need to go see a Neuro, i pick the one i like and keep him or throw him away. It is ME in control of the Dr i want to see. I have a very cool Neuro, we talk about how i'm doing, (i even have his cell number) he calls me or i go see him and we talk about what meds i want and what is something i will not take. I gave away the narcotics and opioids and whatnots, kept the Tramadol (10mg drops) for emergencies only and Lyrica. I told him "no thanks" on Xanax and Rivotril. I had the fear i was gonna come to a point i was gonna "need" them. I travel a lot, i kept thinking, what if i run out of them during vacation time?? my boyfriend also told me i became very unstable while on Rivotril... but you have been on your meds for so long, and they work for you, the fall you had knocking the sunglasses thing while you were trying to get up is no joke.
All i can think about is that, if word has gone around that you are supposed to be this horrible monster that only wants to ruin their reputation, prove them wrong. Prove them you are a normal person with needs, that is just sick and frustrated about not feeling well. They want you to make them feel important. So what? if acting all Goldylocks helps them give you the attention you deserve, so be it. Right now, i hate to say it, but the ball is in their court. Bring it back to yours. You're smart, way smarter than what they think, use it to your benefit.
About the pills, dammit, girl, i have a whole bunch of **** here i wish i could ship you over. Wow, i feel like a spammer offering "cheap viagra". I know you're in a lot of pain, but please, HANG IN THERE. Try and take your mind off the pain, i know it's sounds impossible, but trust me, i also suffer from AS and some nights i have been forced to just hang in there because i don't have my Tramadol and i'm too sick to drive to the pharmacy. Make those pills last until you can see that idiot again and hopefully, he'll give you what you need. Come on, Drs work with labs, wouldn't he get a little cut if he gives you something?
I wish there was something i could do, but we have to find a way to make that ball come back to your side... then it's dodgeball. Hit 'em hard. I'm team Wish!
xoxox
Farrah
All i can think about is that, if word has gone around that you are supposed to be this horrible monster that only wants to ruin their reputation, prove them wrong. Prove them you are a normal person with needs, that is just sick and frustrated about not feeling well. They want you to make them feel important. So what? if acting all Goldylocks helps them give you the attention you deserve, so be it. Right now, i hate to say it, but the ball is in their court. Bring it back to yours. You're smart, way smarter than what they think, use it to your benefit.
About the pills, dammit, girl, i have a whole bunch of **** here i wish i could ship you over. Wow, i feel like a spammer offering "cheap viagra". I know you're in a lot of pain, but please, HANG IN THERE. Try and take your mind off the pain, i know it's sounds impossible, but trust me, i also suffer from AS and some nights i have been forced to just hang in there because i don't have my Tramadol and i'm too sick to drive to the pharmacy. Make those pills last until you can see that idiot again and hopefully, he'll give you what you need. Come on, Drs work with labs, wouldn't he get a little cut if he gives you something?
I wish there was something i could do, but we have to find a way to make that ball come back to your side... then it's dodgeball. Hit 'em hard. I'm team Wish!
xoxox
Farrah
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