Slap me with a wet noodle.

[mokibear]

I just wrote this great post and lost it. **** I'm just not having a good go. I'm soooo sorry I gave you all cause for concern. I'm okay, really. I'm just very angry right now and needed to calm down before I tried to talk about it. I was hopping mad at DH that he came on here but now understand why he did. I have apologized to him and did give him a big hug. Thank you all for the support for him. It was hard for him to come on here as he normally does not speak to people about personal problems. He was worried that I was going to go back to that dark place again after having found my fight again.

I don't think I will be going there but I honestly can't tell you how I feel because the anger is what is foremost in my mind. It didn't help that I had the flu and yes I know that I shouldn't have worked, but I haven't been back long after being on a 4 month sick leave and I know they are concerned that I will not be able to stick it out. So stubborness took over and I worked. (I know I need to work on that)

I did pay for it though by being so exhausted by the end of the day I was barely able to function. I had spasms but they weren't as bad as this pain I was getting. It had no origin. It wasn't in the muscle or the bone. I can't even describe it other than it really hurt.

I also had gone Thursday to my GP and that was a complete disaster. I fought him tooth and nail and he will not refer me to another neuro. He thinks that my eye doc only suggested the neuro to get me to shut up. He said if he was that concerned he should have set something up himself. I tried to explain to him that that was my doing as I had a name of someone I wanted to see and was going to get him to refer me. He said I had already been to the MS clinic and therefore I don't need to see anyone else. I said my eyes are my biggest concern right now and need to know what is going on. He said he will pull my license if I tell him it is in my central vision yet he won't send me to anyone to get it looked at. I think he thinks I'm lying about it. I stated again that my goal was not to have my vision get worse and that is why I want it checked. He said he won't do it but I could always look for another doctor. So I guess that's what I'm going to have to do now. Also found out my eye doc is away for a few weeks so can't get hold of him and the name I got of the new neuro just retired.

I feel like I have taken more steps backwards than forwards. Now I not only have to find a new neuro, now I have to find a new gp. I am so angry and frustrated right now, i don't know if I'm coming or going. My fight is still there, just sitting in the background again for the moment. I just can't see past the anger at the moment. That is why I haven't been on. I was so angry I could not speak or write about it. That and a bunch of little **** was happening all at the same time. Go figure.lol

I'm really tired tonight and had posted my MRI report on the post I lost but I will put it on tomorrow. That was another thing that has me riled. It's a different report than the one my Dad and I had read originally, but I'll explain all that tomorrow.

Thank you all again for your care and support of both me and my DH. I'm sorry T-Lynn that I did not take my own advice. I will from here on in. I promise. I am and will be okay.

I have considered you all my friends before this and I send you all big hugs of thanks for being here once again.

Moki

[mokibear]

Again thank you all for your support and care. I am so overwhelmed. I wish that I could give you all a big hug in person but a cyber hug will have to suffice.

I realize that this last week I was in a pity party for myself. Even the anger was part of the pity. I tried to figure out what happened at the doc that day and wondered if I pushed to hard. I fought him and maybe should have just laid back a bit. Go back and try another day. My mother said something to me after the doc appointment that I didn't think of until today. All she said was that this door is closing. It has made me do some major soul searching. She always said when one door closes another will open. So I decided that a more positive approach is needed. Yes this door is closed now to my gp, but maybe it was because I would not have gotten the help I need. By me walking away from him, I know allow another door to open for the right person to get me the help. Do I believe this? I'm working on it. lol It does sound good though. So here is to a new door!

My mother called tonight and said a customer of hers has a name of a new gp for me. She isn't sure if he is taking anyone but told my mom to tell them what is happening and that he might. She is going to call tomorrow for me as I will be at work. New door? I hope. I will let you know how it goes.

sslowe-  Thank you for the concern. I am doing better. I am fortunate indeed with DH.

Pat- Thanks for the hugs and prayers. I'm feeling better than I was now. The pain is pretty much gone but I'm still pretty tired. I am going to work tomorrow but if I find it is too much, I will be a good girl and go home. I know I will get through all of this. I have no choice, there is just too much support here for me not too.lol Seriously though thank you. Having all of you here does get me through.

T-lynn- I think I have made up to Rob for being hard on him. I do understand why he did it and do appreciate it.
I know you had a rough go and understand and I should have followed the advice I gave to you to share. I will do so in the future. I promise. I am so grateful for everyone here.
As to slapping the GP, well i almost kicked him in the nuts!lol I was so mad it was all I could do not to choke him. I don't think he realizes how close to getting physically hurt he was. Thanks T for being here. I do appreciate it.

Moki

[T-lynn]

Glad to see your back.
Please don't be to hard on Rob,what a true gem.He was concerned.
I understand your anger and pain,I was there a week or so ago.Its hard dealing with it a lone.YOUR NOT ALONE.We are all here for you.
Find your GP and get everything reveiwed.I read your MRI report and it definately can be consistant with a demyelinating disease.
Keep your fight and drive.Be proactive in your care and oh slap that GP for me!!!!

Keep us posted we understand.

T

[6-paq]

I'm sorry I'm so late posting, but I want to offer you tons of ((HUGS)) and prayers.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this pain right now and frustration with your GP.  Get your search going for a new one and do take that step of going to the ER if you need to.  Get back to being proactive and you won't go back down that dark road.  

I totally understand your frustration, but you are strong and you'll get through this.  You have your wonderful, supportive DH and all of US behind you!!

Take care and just another "noodle slap" at ya!!!   Pat ;-)

[sllowe]

I'm sorry Moki,

I posted on the other (your hubby's) before reading this one.  I'm glad you've had a tiny bit of relief and were able to update.  What an amazing partner you have there.  A blessing not all have. . . .your not along, for sure.

Wishing you the best,
SL

[mokibear]

To everyone that responded for both my hubby's post and this one, a great big thank you. You are all wonderful caring people. It's been a rough week to say the least and I'm still not too sure how I feel about it. But I will not hide away again. I'm not as angry right now but just feeling a little numb over it.

Hubby and I had a good talk about how he saw me during this and he was right. I was going to go down that dark road again if I let myself. I'm not going to do that. So now I will start my search for a new gp. I also will go to the er if I get those pains again if only to keep a record of it. (still not sure what they were)

Thanks for the hugs and noodle slaps, they were much needed.

Moki

[needanswers54]

Hi!  Glad to see you are back...Do not know what else to do other than send bear hugs your way.  Try another doctor, Moki.  You need to find one that will listen for your sake.  The stress that these doctors put us through certainly is not good for us.

May our blessings for the coming year include better health, better doctors, and happy, loving, healthy family and friends.

Take care!

[floridamom2]

Sorry I'm so late, I just posted to the other one from your DH and now see you have already responded.  WOW, I'm an airhead!  

I am so glad you are feeling a bit better and glad your back!
Hugs, Kristin

[BondyinOz]

Welcome back!! So glad to see you've posted.

Take care and I look forward to reading your MRI report.

Mel :-)

[Super_sally888]

Welcome back sweetie.  

What a horrible experience with that GP.  Yeah, find a new one, no matter how hard it is!  Your DH is a real keeper.

Hope you're feeling a bit better soon. And glad you've got your fight still.
Sally

[pennst8r]

So glad you're back!! We were really worried. Your DH is an absolute DOLL! Especially now that we know how hard it is for him to tlak to strangers about personal things. What a guy! He truly loves you and you should consider yoursefl extremely lucky for that - I'm sure you already do!  

I know the place you've been too. I think everyone here has been there. I have no specialist right now and am no longer sure how supportive my once wonderful GP is. Not sure whom to turn to at this point when I am "growing" new spasms. So I really feel your pain, but please don't try to go it alone. Talk to us - we know how you feel and can helpkeep your head above water until you & DH can take care of the daunting tasks of finding a new GP and neuro. You will get through it. You just have to do one thing at a time. I try to look at things I don't want to do the same way I kept my focus when I was in labor with my son. I really did not want to go through that pain and was terrifeid, but at this point, I no longer had a choice. So I just set my resolve to focus on the task and hand, that there would be an end to the pain eventually (this too shall pass), and what a miraculaous reward awaited me on the other side. Maybe a silly analogy but it works for me. I use it to get through really bad spasms too - the 25 minute jobs. Find something you did in the past that got you through a tough patch and use it to get you through this one, because it WILL pass, and we will be here to cheer you on as you go through it.

Hugs and noodle slaps,

Penn

[Heather3418]

Moki, you're back.  Oh honey,we have been so worried about you.  What a wonderful, wonderful husband you have to be so concerned for you that he would come here among people that are total strangers to him and ask for help FOR YOU....  He's wonderful

Honey, please rest up and take care of yourself and don't worry us like that again.  You hear?  Consider yourself slapped with a wet noodle.  But a gentle slap.

Feel better soon.  Give that hubby a hug from me...

Heather