Well, today, i keep thinking of Murphy's law.
If it can get worse, it will.
I think that's right.
I thought I knew how it felt at this point to be weak.
I just came off another week of steroids. At this point I am worse off then I was in the beginning of the week.
So, complaint number one is I am going to seriously re think this monthly steroid thing. I am flaring when I go in but I don't think it is helping any more.
I went to bed last night exhausted, have a runny nose and head ready to explode because of the cold turkey off the steroids. My four year old was in bed with his runny nose and my nine year old kept waking me to tell me she couldn't sleep.
I get up to use the bathroom and this is where I never felt such horror.
I felt le someone hit a switch in my legs and they just went off. No warning, no indication of anything.
I just for a split second couldn't feel anything. I didn't fall thank god because I was in the bathroom.
I go to get up and the pain is unbearable and drop again. I grab the towel bar and catch myself.
I can't walk. I call my husband for my walker and am completely and utterly horrified.
So I started this off saying I thought I knew what weakness was until lt night.
I don't know why this is regressing this fast. I don't know why I need to use a wheelchair outside to get around now.
This all started only one year ago. One year and my life feels like it is over.
I feel like a shut in and am angry. I feel fat, ugly, lazy and am damn tired of smiling and having a great attitude.
I am not depressed. I am pissed off! my mind says I can do anything but my damn body is done.
I never had pain before and my right leg is killing me now.
I know you guys identify and I apologize for venting.
When I think of having to move my body, I am afraid. I don't trust it anymore. I don't know what it is going to do.
That's new and terrifying. Before this I could gauge how far I could go or which way to move so i didn't fall, but now I don't know. S rather than just laying down and scooting around on the floor, I am in bed doing nothing.
I can hear my four year old playing with his blocks in the other room and my heart is breaking.
Thanks everyone for listening. I'd not come here often anymore but when I do I know I will get support and advice from those who are "walking" in my shoes.
Kerri