Hey Dennis, i'll keep you company, its only dinner time over here!
1) What do you get when you cross a shark with a budgie?
2) An elderly man complains to his wife about feeling a little worse for wear and after a lot of persuasion agrees to go and see a doctor. The doctor checks him out and asks the man to return a few days later for the results.
The doctor turns to the patient and says, "I have some good news and some bad news for you. The bad news is that you have terminal cancer, polio and have tested HIV+. But the good news is you also have Alzheimers disease so in about 10 seconds you'll have completely forgotten about it."
"Ooh good" said the patient. "What was the bad news then?"
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as an 'Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community' to be a judge at a chilli cook off, mainly because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I also happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when that call came over.
I was assured by the other two judges that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're a famous Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all".
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.
These people are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight japaleno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled, it's kinda cute.
Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at my autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: I should probably have my stomach pumped, but I doubt there is a lining remaining. I can't believe I'm not comatose. I want my mommy help, help..
Loved the chili one....I'm a devote fan of hot chili...The stuff I make would probably be in the range of those chili dishes. The last time I made chili for my brother and mom I cut the spices by 75% and they were still running for the drinks to cool off their moths. :)
number 1..What is a budgie?
You guys must stop talking about chili this early in the morning! It's making me kinda hungry.LOL! I am glad the VA is starting to make some movement on all the things you need. It always seems like such a fight to get anywhere and when you don't feel well it surely doesn't help. It is humid here today. I think I will give mushroom hunting one more try. Everyone else is finding them, well everyone but me. We keep getting all these advisories for baseball to bigger sized hail today. Everyone has moved their Proms to a location with storm shelters for tonight. Kinda scary. The clouds and lighting were amazing here last night. Almost thought a spaceship was coming out of those.LOL! They were absolutely huge. I have never seen such huge thunderheads. We could see all the lightening but the storm was over 1 1/2 hours away from us. Could be an interesting day and night. Hasn't stopped the racoons. I can here them playing with things outside. Goodluck on your delivery and maybe you can get a good nap in if all the burning stops. Jordan gets that but in small areas and he can avoid the areas until it's gone. He sure doesn't like it when it happens.
ummm dont you have them over in the states? Ok lets change it to being a parrot.
A budge is a little domestic bird, a pet, common colours are blue, yellow or green, they dont do much but tweet a lot and as DH just pointed out, they dont talk so i've mucked up the joke anyway lol
The answer is - a parrot that talks your ear off
My mom use to go mushrooming all the time when she lived in OR up on a mountain. I never did learn to tell the difference between the good kind and bad ones. But I just love fresh mushrooms just about any way I can get them. Yummy :)
Those thunderstorms sound like the ones I saw all the time when I lived in FL. I alway found them very soothing for some strange reason. :) Does that make me strange as well? :)
I'm glad to hear that Jordan doesn't get the burning like I do. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. :) Hopefully the burning will die down to it's normal 24/7 level soon.
PS good luck on your next Mushrooming outing! :)
Supermum_ms you made me laugh out loud! I had to look up Budgie to see if we have them in Kansas. Yes, we do in the pet store. I never knew Parakeets (cute & pretty little things) were called Budgies! Sitting here bored and you guys were having a good conversation. Sorry for getting in here but you guys sure are starting off my morning good. My Friday the 13th was yuck at work so I was up tossin and turning, thinking and re-thinking. Dennis I wish I could take the burning away for a bit-I'd be willing to.
What you described sounds like a parakeet here in the US. I guess Medhelp need a translator button for these different terms between where we live. :)
At one of the schools I went to while in the Navy we had some sailors from Australia and we were always having a lot of fun trying to figure out what each other were talking about. :)
I only have seen the morals (from other people). They are getting them by the bag fulls and selling them for $40/pound. That's crazy! I don't want to sell them but I do want to eat some. They look to me like a brainy sponge shaped like a Christmas tree. Jordan and I went hunting the other day but came out with zero! Jordan wasn't well that day so... I could tell he just wasn't tracking well with anything I said. He gets that way and he will tell me his brain isn't working right. I am bound and determined to find them. I have heard that they are delicious dipped in egg and bread crumbs and then fried. Some people are excellent finders but all keep their locations a big secret.
I don't think I have ever had a morel but that does sound delicious. My mom would hunt for portabellas up on the mountain. I remember she would end up bring home some that were a good 8 inches wide. These she would dip in egg and then a flour mixture with salt, pepper and paprika before frying.
Rofl when ever i think of mushroom hunting, it takes me back to being a young naieve 18 yr old. I went on a trip to Bali, alone and full of self importance lol talk about being a dumb bunny. A few of the people i'd met were raving about these mushroom omelets, so off i went with a couple of others, hunting down the place that sold them. We ended up having lunch at a nice looking little cafe and each ordered mushroom omelets because some of the other choices were rather strange, eg mushie milk shakes - ugg youd have to pay me to drink that one.lol
so ok it was edible but nothing to write home about, we all headed for the beach to see the sun set, slightly disapointed with the so called fantastic mushie cafe. Well holey cow - what the heck did i eat cause they so were not the mushrooms i eat at home ROFL never again will i hunt for mushrooms!!!
lol the language barrier is a hoot, for those that need or just want to know, this is what a budgie looks like....
and this is a poster of all the Australian Parakeets.....
For us a parakeet is a little bit bigger, has a slightly longer neck, and a longer curved beak and they are usually bright bold colours, more like a Rossella. Even in suburbia i have Rosellas, gallahs, white cocatoos, magpies, cute little green finches, ducks and a raven or two that visit my back yard. A stones throw down the road is a bird sanctuary, so we see pelacans, black swans and lots of other water birds flying over head too.
So Dennis, am i helping keep you awake or am i boring you back to slumber? lol
And how I wish I could look outside and see birds like that! I get excited seeing the blue birds and cardinals and that darn wood ******-they are bullies! Well, sun is almost up and I'm going to go look for mushrooms-wish me luck!
I'm not a big fan of Birds. Probably because my daughter pleaded with us until we got her a parakeet despite us already having a cats. That bird never shut up the entire 3 weeks we had it. The cat figured out that it could jump from the dinning room table and knock the cage down to get the bird. Just try to consul a 5 year old about what happened to her bird. :(
Between the talk, freezing legs, and a lot of coffee I am still awake. Only about 2 - 3 more hours to go until the delivery should be here. I am getting a new lawn tractor and had planned to get busy with it once it got here. But with no sleep I guess I better wait on that until I do sleep for a while.
Nice that i am not the only one with insomnia........
Baclofen does that to me as well as frequent trips to the loo
but you guys are making me hungry, glad I didn't read this at 3AM when I was up!
back to packing for the trip to MN
hope you get your meds soon Dennis
Hope they aren't late!
Kids birds are sort of like gold fish, they dont last very long, kids are never old enough for that little lesson. I take it you didn't get her another one.
Just got a call from the delivery guy and he said they would get here some time shortly after lunch. So they will be here 1 - 2 hours later than I expected, of course depending on what time they call lunch.
Actually she did end up with another bird but not until she was 13. By that time we had 3 cats, 1 dog, 3 horses, 1 gerbil, and an odd assortment of critters she had found outside on our property. I think if we had rattle snakes on our property she would have tried to bring them in as well for pets. :) She currently has 2 Pythons, several dozen mice ( food), a hamster, cat, and a ferret.
That WAS and amazing storm, Thursday night! Quite the light show! My cats even got curious - they didn't get scared and hide. They crouched on their haunches, looked around the many windows in my front room, their tails speaking volumes...
I love mushroom hunting around my woods - I've found many pounds of Chanterelles, Morels, Blewits, Black Trumpets, all easy to tell from their poisonous counterparts. Yum!!!
JJ- LOL over Chili contest!!
Thanks for helping get through the night. My new Lawn Tractor arrived at 1PM just as I figured after the delivery guy called this morning.
But I just couldn't resist trying it out and ended up mowing my front yard. It took about 1/2 the time it was taking me with my old lawn tractor and I wasn't as worn out afterwards either. I even put together the 8 CF Dump cart that came with it with the help of Dave. Needless to say I'm a Happy Camper tonight and wish I had gotten this lawn tractor years ago.
By the time this stuff was done it was almost time to have dinner but the fatigue from no sleep was really getting to me. But my A type personality reared its head and Off I went to the store to pick up something for dinner. So right now it has been 36 hours since I have had any sleep and now I'm wide awake. But I'm sure that now that I have a full belly and start to unwind the sleepiness will return. And if all else fails I can always take one of my pain pills tonight which always send me nighty nite.
So to all Good Night!
Thanks..I slept for 12 hours last night but am surprised that I have not been felling exhausted today at all.