Safety for toddler - mother has epilepsy

[OkieMom8177]

Our daughter-in-law has a seizure disorder/epilepsy that she has had since she was 2 years old. She has a 15-month-old son (our grandson) who we are trying to protect from being put at risk in case she would have a seizure while she is alone with him. She has had 4 grand mal seizures in the past year - the last one just 4 months ago - and her original Neurologist told her in August that she should not live alone or drive for a minimum of 6 months.

She agreed to leave the baby with us but opted to move into her own apartment in August. She has since then gotten a second opinion from another doctor who supposedly told her that she was fine and that her seizure was most likely caused by stress. She is now demanding that she be allowed to keep her son. Our son, the baby's father, passed away this past June and we offered to let her live with us after he died. However, she found it to be too confining and/or "uncomfortable" for her. I hope someone here can help. We are trying to find an option other than filing for legal guardianship - but we are coming up empty. In the meantime, we are terrified about the safety of the baby.

She is allowing him to stay with us during the day while she works, and she did just start a new full-time job as a home care nurse.  However, she is still insisting that she keep him at night - and she lives about 25 miles away from us. Her parents are elderly and not able to care for the baby although they live close to her. Her father is transporting her and the baby, although I think she has convinced him that it is safe for her to drive as well and I believe she is driving although the legal restriction in our state is that a person who has a seizure should not drive for at least 6 months.

She has an LPN. This is another thing we are concerned about: how is she able to work in this profession when she may be putting her patients at risk if she has a seizure. I believe that she is not telling her employers about her condition but cannot be sure. We do want her to work and do not want to ruin her chances. It is such a dilemma.

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

[euphoric_moon]

my mother has epilepsy and I am due with my first baby in a month. Having experienced her seizures for many years I could never leave her alone with my baby because she could fall at any time and god forbid make my baby fall along with her. Anyone who tells you she is not a danger to your grandchild obviously has never lived with someone with epilepsy. Epileptics dont know what they do and do not mean any harm. Your daughter in law is in denial and you should absolutely take this to court if she is refusing the suggestions you make on having round the clock care with an infant. İf nothing happens to your grandson-then it will really be a miracle because this is a very risky disease for being around a baby!

[OkieMom8177]

Thank you both for caring enough to offer these suggestions and I hope that we can somehow reach a peaceful solution to this dilemma. Our son had Cystic Fibrosis and lost his battle, but he left a precious little one here for us to love. The last few months of his life, he was not able to help much with the baby but he was always there in case something should happen. One of the seizures happened shortly after he was discharged from the hospital and he was on home IV therapy. We arrived at their house and heard him yelling "Help." When we went inside, he was on the phone with the paramedics and our daughter-in-law was on the floor. The baby was in his little jumper seat so he was safe, but I am sure it scared him.

Our most important concern right now is for our little grandson's wellbeing. The idea of having family members stay throughout the day is a good one, but we do not have much support in that area. It would not be an option that our daughter-in-law would agree to anyway since she would not agree to stay with us, even for a short time. We have a large home and had fixed up a nice place for her so that she had her own space. She was treated kindly and well. There are other factors involved here that I did not explain - but one is that she met a young man through the Internet, and she seems to be focusing on having a future with him. This began within a week after our son's death.  We have had such a difficult time, but we do believe God will help us find a way to get through it. Thank you again for your help.

[ggreg]

Here's a link from the Epilepsy Foundation that tells mothers how to handle raising a small child if they have seizures.  The mother may already know all this stuff, but could be this will help her stay independent.

http://www.epilepsyfoundation.org/living/women/pregnancy/weiparenting.cfm

[FurballsMom]

I didn't see anyone mention something that could be taken into consideration--for the future.  It won't be for an immediate solution, but what about training a seizure alert dog?  

I agree with grandma and the doctor here, though.  I don't get seizures, but I do get migraines.  I can't imagine myself as a single mother without external help.  I think it would be worth considering having some of the extended family members take turns just being with the mother in her own apartment during the day time, so she can keep her own home but not be alone.  I understand how important it is for her to have her own home, but I don't think it's a good idea to be so far away from the rest of the family members.  I do hope that someone could convince the young mother that no one is doubting her abilities to parent or hold down a job and provide for her child.  Try to help her see that this is only a temporary situation 'til the child is older.  When the child is old enough, which I don't believe to be for a few more years, then people will relax a little more about her living alone with her child.

It really only needs to be 'til the child is in school full time during the day time.  Then, too, the child should be trained how to use 911 to call for help when something happens when the child is old enough to understand a little more about what is going on in the world.  Children can do this with proper training.  But, a two year old is not old enough.  

I hope I was able to offer a workable solution or helped provide something to spark a few ideas to help with this situation.  It's still up to your family members how to deal with this.

I thought of the idea of just having different family members spend time with your daughter-in-law in her home during the day time from the way my friend's son and daughter-in-law handle raising their two little ones.  The older one is in school full time during the day time now, so that takes care of the day time hours for her, but the younger one isn't old enough for that yet.  The son and daughter-in-law prefer having extended family members helping to raise the kids than strangers in a daycare.  They have aunts and uncles, grandparents and great grandparents and cousins all taking turns during the week to watch the kids when the parents have to go to their jobs.  It is actually working well, because everyone is working in agreement.  It's wonderful in their case because I can see that these kids are very well adjusted and well disciplined and contented children.  They are interacting with other children on a regular basis, too.

Perhaps if folks could come up with something everyone works in unity with and the mother will agree, something like what I suggested would work.  Because, I do agree that the mother shouldn't be alone with a toddler with a seizure disorder as bad as hers.  

[ggreg]

I think the most constructive thing you could do is visit her in her home, ask her about the bathing thing (when alone, she may put him in one of those seats that holds the child while bathing, and if not, you could provide one) and express all your other concerns in a rational manner.  She may appreciate the company and compassion.

In the meantime, please keep in mind, she lived with your son whilst married, and MUST have been left alone with the child many times.  You say she has not had her med levels checked frequently, but since August she has visited a second neurologist, so I'm not sure (a) what frequently means to you or (b) how do you know she's not getting labs or checkups done with the new neuro the amount of times he thinks she should.  Since her father has been transporting her, and her parents live near her, is it not possible she rings them up when bathing the child or anything else you deem might need a helping hand.  As for being wobbly after a seizure, those people do get up afterwards and walk and talk, however wasted and irritable they may be.  

I just think instead of taking a child away from the mother, which is why I responded to this post in the first place, and considering she's already lost her husband and so losing her child would double her losses, and also the harm it would do to the baby to lose both parents, why don't you spend your resources on perhaps offering a babysitter type personage for the mother during the last two months of the six-month period that you are concerned about.  I fully understand your worries, but I just had to stand up for the mother and present a few more possibilities that you may not have yet considered.

I wish you and the mother and the child the very best and I hope you can resolve this peaceably.  I appreciate you letting me respond, because I think it's important to hear all sides, so as to make possible a more realistic approach to this problem, because could be she wants to be closer to HER parents.  And I too respect your position, but I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.  Gosh, I hope you guys work this out.  Let us know how things go, if you would like to.  I'll try to stay out of it and let the good doctor who responded before handle your posts, unless you wanted me to stick my foot in my mouth again.  Smile.

[OkieMom8177]

I appreciate another point of view, but I really question whether she does love the baby more than anyone - if she is willing to take an unnecessary risk with his life. We have witnessed 3 of her seizures and she is not fully conscious for quite a while afterwards. She gets combative, and it would be traumatic for a little child to experience. Also, she bathes him in a regular bathtub - which is extremely risky for her and the baby. He is not old enough to protect himself in that situation and it is a well known fact that babies can drown in just a few inches of water. We do know that the Neurologist who had been treating her for over 3 years told her that it was absolutely not safe for her to live alone and care for the baby for at least 6 months. She was also told to have her medication levels checked frequently which she has not done. To me, this is very irresponsible of her, not only for her own safely, but for her child's.

We definitely want for her to be with her child and care for him and we offered a way for her to do that (stay with us) until she could become more stable. She was not mistreated and had fulltime help with the child. Although not an ideal situation, it was a way to make sure that they were both protected. Our son would have wanted them both to be safe and we are trying our best to do what he would want. I know that you mean well, but a little child's life is just too precious for us to throw up our hands and do nothing. I'm sorry - but I am going to say that I respectfully disagree with you.

[ggreg]

I would like to make a layperson's comment about the situation for the side of the mother.  I do not see how the baby will be hurt in any way if the daughter-in-law has a seizure in her home.  Many people have seizures who have children, it's not like she leaves for two days and goes to Mars.  I have witnessed grand mal seizures, and it's no different than if the mother went into another room for five minutes and then returned.  And do not worry about the driving thing, the father has been giving her rides.  If a qualified physician told her she's okay living on her own now, let it be.

Keep in mind the mother loves the child more than anyone, and she would never put the baby at risk.  And even tho she too went thru a terrible loss when her husband died, she got herself together well enough to go back to living independently, and she got herself a caregiver's job, which is commendable.  Look at it this way, she only has two months left until the so-called six-month period is over.  By then, any legal action you might put together would be over.  

[OkieMom8177]

Thank you for your response.We have discussed the issues with our grandson's mother and her parents at length, but we have not been able to convince them that the baby is at risk. This is so difficult, and we do not want to hurt them - but more importantly, we do not want the baby to be in danger. If we take the legal route, I do understand that we could lose our grandson completely if the courts rule in favor of his mother.

Your suggestion of seeing a professional counselor is a good one and we have suggested that we go for family counseling before. But she has not been willing to do that. Also, she has a small apartment with no room for anyone else to stay - so living with her would not be an option, even if she was agreeable to it. We have a large house with plenty of room for her and the child, but she does not want to be here. We want to talk to the doctor she went to for a second opinion, who supposedly told her it was safe for her to live alone, if she will allow us to go with her on her appointment next week. He is a Neurologist and I do not believe he had her full history or he would not have told her that. If he did, I question his competence. We will suggest professional counseling again but we are running out of time. Thank you again.

[Dr Rajgopal]

Hi,
I can understand your concern for the baby and your daughter- in- law. It is true that a person unless proved free from seizures for a period of 6 months should not drive or stay alone especially if she has a small child. Please take your relatives and your daughter- in- law’s parents into confidence and discuss the issues. It is for the benefit for the mother and the child. If you are not able to sort out the matter by discussion, please take a psychotherapist’s help. Expert help may make her understand the situation. Another alternative would be that you can go and live with her if possible. Some arrangements have to be made according to everyone’s convenience. Legal battle may make the child miss out on the mother’s love. The best option would be that someone accompanies the child whenever he is with his mother. Hope this helps you. Take care and regards!