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What is happening to us?
New research shows Americans are more obsessed with themselves than ever. Hannah Seligson examines the ways our love lives are coming to reflect our record-high levels of self-regard.
When John Edwards invoked “the narcissism defense” in his explanation last August for why he cheated on his wife, the moment felt a bit anticlimactic—male politicians have long reinforced their stereotype as egomaniacs who think they’re God’s gift to women. But a new book asserts that more and more Americans are developing congressman-like levels of narcissism, which begs the question: Are our relationships suffering for it, just like Edwards’ did? How can a person who can’t stop looking in the mirror maintain a healthy love life?
These are people who agreed with statements like: “If I ruled the world it would be a much better place,” and, “I will never be satisfied until I get all that I deserve.”
“The culture of narcissism is about your personal happiness coming first and your partner coming second,” says Esther Perel, the author of Mating in Captivity and a licensed marriage and family therapist. “It’s what’s at the core of divorce.”
According to researchers, there’s a groundswell of narcissism in our society. In a new book, The Narcissism Epidemic, psychology professors W. Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge chart the dramatic rise in the number of Americans who have a clinical narcissist personality disorder. These are people who are more than just a little bit self-regarding. In a nationally representative sample of 35,000 Americans, one out of 16 respondents registered as a narcissist on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory. These are people who agreed with statements like: “If I ruled the world it would be a much better place,” or, “I will never be satisfied until I get all that I deserve,” and, “I find it easy to manipulate people.”
Narcissism functions on a continuum, which means that because more people register on the extreme end of the spectrum, there’s a surge of people in the general population—in the median area—that are displaying narcissistic traits. And the numbers for youth are higher than any other age group—nearly 10 percent of twentysomethings reported symptoms of narcissism, compared to just over 3 percent of those over 65.
So as a new generation of narcissistic daters upload their personal ads, belly up to the bars, and start popping the question, they’re increasingly altering the dynamics of 21st-century courtship, say the researchers.
“It changes what is normal behavior in dating,” says Campbell, referring to the hookup culture among youth that has left modern-day parents wringing their hands. According to Campbell and Twenge, the rise of the hookup culture and narcissism rates had a convergent evolution—a link they see as significant. “One of the hallmarks of a narcissist is short-term relationships that don’t require a lot of emotional investment,” says Campbell. Adds Twenge: “The current trend right now, especially among younger people, is that ‘I’m going to focus on myself, not on forging an emotionally close relationship.’”
But a few unreturned booty texts and some one-night stands might be the least of the collateral damage wrought by the narcissism epidemic. Narcissists are myopically focused on how they appear to the world. The symptoms of the disease range from the extreme (hiring fake paparazzi to follow you around for a weekend) to the more ubiquitous, garden-variety solipsism (Twittering what you ate for lunch or hiring a professional photographer to take your Facebook photo). Translated into the realm of romantic relationships, the message comes across as: I’m great, and you’d better be, too.
“That kind of grandiosity eats relationships,” says Terry Real, a therapist and relationship expert. Real believes in a more radical way of teaching people to let go of an overinflated sense of self. Call it the anti-Oprah school of thought
“There is a national obsession with feeling good about yourself,” says Real. “We have done a good job teaching people to come up from shame, but have ignored the issue of having people come down from grandiosity.”
The most recent research on narcissism runs contrary to what the legions of self-help experts have proselytized when it comes to finding love—that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Twenge says that’s a fallacy. “There is no evidence that people with very high self-esteem are any better in a relationship than people with low self-esteem.”
In fact, narcissism, even in small doses, has shifted courtship into a high-stakes relationship culture. Now that people think more highly of themselves, expectations of what a relationship should be like have skyrocketed into the realm of superlatives. Twentysomethings not only expect to waltz into high-level career positions right out of college, they also expect partners who have the moral fortitude of Nelson Mandela, the comedic timing of Stephen Colbert, the abs of Hugh Jackman, and the hair of Patrick Dempsey.
For further reading:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-06-07/do-narcissists-have-better-sex/2/
When John Edwards invoked “the narcissism defense” in his explanation last August for why he cheated on his wife, the moment felt a bit anticlimactic—male politicians have long reinforced their stereotype as egomaniacs who think they’re God’s gift to women. But a new book asserts that more and more Americans are developing congressman-like levels of narcissism, which begs the question: Are our relationships suffering for it, just like Edwards’ did? How can a person who can’t stop looking in the mirror maintain a healthy love life?
These are people who agreed with statements like: “If I ruled the world it would be a much better place,” and, “I will never be satisfied until I get all that I deserve.”
“The culture of narcissism is about your personal happiness coming first and your partner coming second,” says Esther Perel, the author of Mating in Captivity and a licensed marriage and family therapist. “It’s what’s at the core of divorce.”
According to researchers, there’s a groundswell of narcissism in our society. In a new book, The Narcissism Epidemic, psychology professors W. Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge chart the dramatic rise in the number of Americans who have a clinical narcissist personality disorder. These are people who are more than just a little bit self-regarding. In a nationally representative sample of 35,000 Americans, one out of 16 respondents registered as a narcissist on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory. These are people who agreed with statements like: “If I ruled the world it would be a much better place,” or, “I will never be satisfied until I get all that I deserve,” and, “I find it easy to manipulate people.”
Narcissism functions on a continuum, which means that because more people register on the extreme end of the spectrum, there’s a surge of people in the general population—in the median area—that are displaying narcissistic traits. And the numbers for youth are higher than any other age group—nearly 10 percent of twentysomethings reported symptoms of narcissism, compared to just over 3 percent of those over 65.
So as a new generation of narcissistic daters upload their personal ads, belly up to the bars, and start popping the question, they’re increasingly altering the dynamics of 21st-century courtship, say the researchers.
“It changes what is normal behavior in dating,” says Campbell, referring to the hookup culture among youth that has left modern-day parents wringing their hands. According to Campbell and Twenge, the rise of the hookup culture and narcissism rates had a convergent evolution—a link they see as significant. “One of the hallmarks of a narcissist is short-term relationships that don’t require a lot of emotional investment,” says Campbell. Adds Twenge: “The current trend right now, especially among younger people, is that ‘I’m going to focus on myself, not on forging an emotionally close relationship.’”
But a few unreturned booty texts and some one-night stands might be the least of the collateral damage wrought by the narcissism epidemic. Narcissists are myopically focused on how they appear to the world. The symptoms of the disease range from the extreme (hiring fake paparazzi to follow you around for a weekend) to the more ubiquitous, garden-variety solipsism (Twittering what you ate for lunch or hiring a professional photographer to take your Facebook photo). Translated into the realm of romantic relationships, the message comes across as: I’m great, and you’d better be, too.
“That kind of grandiosity eats relationships,” says Terry Real, a therapist and relationship expert. Real believes in a more radical way of teaching people to let go of an overinflated sense of self. Call it the anti-Oprah school of thought
“There is a national obsession with feeling good about yourself,” says Real. “We have done a good job teaching people to come up from shame, but have ignored the issue of having people come down from grandiosity.”
The most recent research on narcissism runs contrary to what the legions of self-help experts have proselytized when it comes to finding love—that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Twenge says that’s a fallacy. “There is no evidence that people with very high self-esteem are any better in a relationship than people with low self-esteem.”
In fact, narcissism, even in small doses, has shifted courtship into a high-stakes relationship culture. Now that people think more highly of themselves, expectations of what a relationship should be like have skyrocketed into the realm of superlatives. Twentysomethings not only expect to waltz into high-level career positions right out of college, they also expect partners who have the moral fortitude of Nelson Mandela, the comedic timing of Stephen Colbert, the abs of Hugh Jackman, and the hair of Patrick Dempsey.
For further reading:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-06-07/do-narcissists-have-better-sex/2/
I've got a few minutes now, so I'll elaborate on what I started yesterday. There are some people in society these days that believe they are entitled to certain things (I'll leave them nameless at this point) but aren't willing to actually willing to do the leg work. Some of this comes from their upbringing, having always been provided for. When this happens, we are teaching our youth that someone will always take care of you.
On the other side of the equation is the people who learned at an early age that if you really want something, you need to set goals and achieve the small goals on the way in order to get to the bigger picture. The first group of people have been conditioned that if you "want" long enough, someone will eventually come to your rescue. (We know that this is seldom the case in the real world.) With that group is the people who want to provide for the people who are not willing to get their own, so to speak.
As ILADVOCATE says, there is a lot of passive/aggressive behavior surrounding all of this.
I used to run a popular saloon/bar/nightclub. One summer, I hired 2 kids fresh out of college... 22 years old with a brand new education, just out to decompress for the summer before furthering their education or jumping into their desired profession.
I found out shortly after hiring them that neither really had a job in the private sector that wasn't provided for them by their family. (Both kids fathers were wealthy business people in the industrial sector)
A busy weekend was upon us, and both kids were scheduled to work this particular evening. Coincidentially, there was an unexpected concert with a group that was popular amongst the college crowd. Both kids came to me the night they were supposed to work and asked me to have the night off for the concert. I told them that it wasn't going to be a possibility, and that I needed them at work because everyone was working that evening.
They went on to explain to me that their parents sent them here, paid all of their bills, just so they can have fun.... they didn't need to work while in our sleepy little mountain town. Therefore, they promptly quit. This of course put added stress on the rest of the staff, all of a sudden being 2 people short.
With that being said, there were other people who would have loved to go see the show, but knew since they applied for a position and were awarded the position that they applied for, were somewhat obligated to perform the duty within their job description.
These people knew they had to work for what they wanted while the previous 2 kids had always got what they wanted.
We, to some extent have encouraged these 2 kids.
I'll get back to this later as work calls.
On the other side of the equation is the people who learned at an early age that if you really want something, you need to set goals and achieve the small goals on the way in order to get to the bigger picture. The first group of people have been conditioned that if you "want" long enough, someone will eventually come to your rescue. (We know that this is seldom the case in the real world.) With that group is the people who want to provide for the people who are not willing to get their own, so to speak.
As ILADVOCATE says, there is a lot of passive/aggressive behavior surrounding all of this.
I used to run a popular saloon/bar/nightclub. One summer, I hired 2 kids fresh out of college... 22 years old with a brand new education, just out to decompress for the summer before furthering their education or jumping into their desired profession.
I found out shortly after hiring them that neither really had a job in the private sector that wasn't provided for them by their family. (Both kids fathers were wealthy business people in the industrial sector)
A busy weekend was upon us, and both kids were scheduled to work this particular evening. Coincidentially, there was an unexpected concert with a group that was popular amongst the college crowd. Both kids came to me the night they were supposed to work and asked me to have the night off for the concert. I told them that it wasn't going to be a possibility, and that I needed them at work because everyone was working that evening.
They went on to explain to me that their parents sent them here, paid all of their bills, just so they can have fun.... they didn't need to work while in our sleepy little mountain town. Therefore, they promptly quit. This of course put added stress on the rest of the staff, all of a sudden being 2 people short.
With that being said, there were other people who would have loved to go see the show, but knew since they applied for a position and were awarded the position that they applied for, were somewhat obligated to perform the duty within their job description.
These people knew they had to work for what they wanted while the previous 2 kids had always got what they wanted.
We, to some extent have encouraged these 2 kids.
I'll get back to this later as work calls.
I think there is too much behavior that is passive aggressive, self gratifying and maladaptive in general in society. Some people labelled this kind of behavior "the me generation" a while back but its a person's choice whether to engage in this behavior or not. Certainly the media as a whole tends to feed it. It can occur in all levels of society as well. Certainly "reality shows" as a whole tend to promote and encourage this kind of behavior. However its a person's choice whether to watch that or not and certainly whether to emulate it. If a person carried over the way things are on "the Apprentice" for example its doubtful they would last long at their job lol. That may be obvious for people but the same goes for friendships and relationships and the way people conduct themselves in society in general. If you put yourself first likely it will catch up with you in time.
There is a lot of self entitlement these days. I'd love to comment but will have to do so later or tomorrow.
This is a very interesting topic. To me it can all be summed up with one sentence tho. Tis a sign of the times and a sign of things to come. Everybody Duck!
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