Ok, I find it hard talking about my OCD, to anyone else anyway. And because of this I frequently go over conversations in my head where I'm talking to health professionals about it, especially when I'm exceptionally anxious... but then when i'm out the next day or something I couldnt possibly imagine addressing my OCD or talking about it out loudto someone, also because I feel guilty fr first of all talking to strangers about it when I havent even spoken about it with my family, although I'm pretty sure they know I have a form of OCD.
Anyway, thats not really the question. I've had OCD perhaps for about four or five years, that seems strange enough because thats about a quarter of my life and i've kept it surpressed and secret for all that time. Time flies when you're... hmmm. For most of, if not all of, this time my OCD has kept me from enjoying the things I like doing most, mainly listening to music and exploring my favourite bands. For instance a band I really love had four members, (I wont say their name just because I dont want to materialize this obsession, it will probably lead to further problems for me) and I love all these members, but the guitarist specifically gets a lot more positive comments and adornment. I'm fine with this because I feel it too, but is the inequality that causes me so much anxiety to the point where just looking at his face or any of their faces causes me to think of horrible thoughts, ridiculous thoughts which causes me so much pain. You might think this is ridiculous over a band, but music is very important to me, its one of the only outlets I have or that I feel equal and free in, when I dont succeed or feel anything for the life around me music is what gives me hope for the future and lets me escape, I aspire to these people and feel like on a personal level they are connected to me in a way none of my friends or social group are, or care to understand either. Then, sometimes the singer gets negative comments about his technical abilities as a singer, but I absolutely love this man for what he represents and his talents as a lyricist and frontman. It hurts me s much when I see other people's opinions on the youtubes comments page for example, and then in contrast praise for the guitarist, which is no measure of the singer, in my obsessive compulsive mind lessens the adulation for the singer. I dont know why I find this so hard to process and accept, but it causes me to think out long conculsions and reasoning for why I am right to admire both of them equally, but it just feels like im being cut with a knife when I see negative comments, then I feel so angry and resentful at humanity for being so ignorant and vicious, especially against something so undeserving of it. My obsessions have stopped me from being able to listen to their music a lot of the time, or when I am with headphones especially it can get very hard, as I have to complete my ritual in my head before I can turn the music off, so all the while this music is playing I'm having a nervous breakdown with such a tense, anxious mind, just waiting for the relief when it feels right in my ritual so I can close down the song... half way through. But escaping the OCD is more important to me in tht moment because it is poisoning one of the few things I have to enjoy. It puts me off listening, or reading or watching TV, as this same thing happens with all of those (even characters on tv shows), so all of it just seems tainted. Its not just this particular obsession, as with an OCD it can come from anywhere about anything, and it varies. Its generally any band I really love, I guess any band I love enough to obsess over.
Sorry for the reeaally long, rambling rant, its hard to sum it up, and this is very brief considering what I go through, but thanks for reading.