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Being gay vs having Gay OCD (SO OCD)

I'm really just not sure if I am suffering from Gay OCD or I'm in the closet or something. I'm a guy in my early 20s and I've suffered with what I would consider this HOCD stuff for several years quite seriously and for even longer on and off. I want it to just be HOCD but I'm constantly wandering "what if I'm actually gay?". I can think of a few times growing up where gay related situations came up and caused me a lot of distress. In middle school, I used to be pretty quiet and shy and I remember a kid kept asking me if I was gay for some reason. Then a few years later, I said something meant to be a joke in front of a bunch of people while at summer camp and they thought I was gay, and I was so stressed and freaked out and just wanted the camp to be over. Again in high school we had a school assembly where gay/lesbian/transgender people came in and I freaked out again that I could be gay. It happened in college while watching a crime tv show that involved a married man being gay, and again caused me to sorta freak out about it. Over the last few years its been pretty unrelenting. I've had long term girlfriends and have hooked up with girls throughout the whole thing. I remember being really young and getting turned on by female WWE wrestlers and by my friends' older sister and her friends. But its just this constant thing. Like I said, I want to be straight and therefore want what I'm experiencing to be OCD, but I'm just not sure.  I self diagnosed myself with HOCD. After several months of suffering from it severely, I eventually cracked and googled "fear of being gay" and all the stuff about HOCD came up and it was a huge relief. Since then I feel like I've gone out of my way to find other aspects of my life that are affected by OCD, though I've been told my whole life by people that theyve thought I have anxiety issues.

Essentially all of the symptoms of HOCD seem to fit for me, and when I read or remind myself of those symptoms I feel temporary relief, but I can't shake the idea that this could all just be me denying my sexuality. I've seen therapists but am never able to follow through with seeing them and struggle to even discuss this stuff for fear that they'll say they actually think I am gay. Similarly I know that treatment is the way to go, but I find myself afraid that if I expose myself to gay stuff, i'll realize I actually do like it.

I'm pretty sure I do find girls attractive, but find myself constantly questioning and doubting that. Not sure if thats an extension of the severity of the OCD or if I'm actually just not sure how attracted I am to women. I also watch a lot of (straight and some lesbian) porn and have done for many years. I'm not sure if this could be me trying to cover up my sexuality or if alternatively it could be a reason I suffer from OCD in some way. I know this post is all over the place, i'm trying to cover a lot of things. Overall its a constant and debilitating thing. I'm just looking for some insight.
1 Responses
Avatar universal
Well I kind of self diagnosed myself too but I'll try to help you out...
Just to clarify with you being quiet and shy doesn't make you gay. I feel like a lot of people who have HOCD are quiet and shy. Reading posts I see a lotttt of that. Anyway, so I can relate to some of this because people have worried me about being gay at younger age. In 4th grade I fixed my friends tank top strap and she told me I was wrong. In 5th grade my sister called me a lesbian. I dwelled on this stuff. My HOCD has been here though for like 3 years, so it didn't form right after that.
If it causes you so much stress and unhappiness I think it's just anxiety because people aren't afriad of what we like. think of how you feel when you like a girl based on your false attractions. Different right?
My HOCD started with doubt and googling and checking. I was very depressed.
I have he exact same fear of liking it if I expose myself, which is why I'm so hesitant to get help.
HOCD is a doubting disease. Sometimes looking in my past I'll think "ok well you thought she was pretty you are gay." I even experimented online with the same sex which caused this to happen and that has really  worsened my condition. My brains tells me that my crushes in the past aren't really what I felt and that any attraction now is forced. Take care. I know it's hard. Stay strong. :)
I know this is hard but the only way to stop these thoughts is to say I know i am straight but it really does not matter what i am. I am not phased by sexuality i am going to live the life I want to live. if you say you are straight u r. STOP RIGHT THERE AND STOP THINKING. If you have had crushed on a girl and thought about girls every since a young age you are straight. You were born this way. You cannot just wake up and be gay that is impossible you were born the way you are just like gay people were born the way they are. Just accept everyone for what they are and accept yourself for what you are. You are straight but me telling you that or anyone else telling u that will not do you any good. Porn does not tell u anything either. It is what you do in the real world.  Stop checking and built relationshops in the real world. You can think another man is a good looking guy without being gay either. so dont think that either. Just build relationshops with people youll feel it if you actually like someone. Just live life. Love and be Loved man
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