Hi all,
I'm new to OCD and I've never been diagnosed, but have begun researching it recently. I'm interested in responsibility ocd. A lot of what I've read has suggested that "spikes" are often overexaggerated feelings of responsibility for things that could happen if someone doesn't do something . . . like someone might be afraid that if they don't pick up a bottle in the street it will cause a car accident, etc. etc. so worry over something most would not necessarily feel is their responsibility and what is only a hypothetical occurrence.
About a year and a half ago, I was partially responsible for a car accident (no one was injured and I wasn't cited for anything, and I wasn't even moving when the other driver hit me (so couldn't be responsible for speed of impact, etc. -- I had been in a single car accident when the other driver hit me. I think about it from time to time -- but this seems a bit reasonable since there were things I could have done to avoid it) However, this seems to have set off a series of going back to other instances when I could have behaved better -- the time I could have more safely disposed of a coping saw blade ( i wrapped it in newspaper and doublebagged it but maybe I could have put it in a puncture proof container) -- I'm usually able to talk myself out of these things after awhile, and I'm functioning in my life and doing well at work, though I suppose I could be using this energy to think about other things and I sometimes feel guilty for enjoying myself and like I don't deserve too etc., etc.
My latest worry is over something that happened a few weeks ago. I was feeling a bit down over worrying about something else, and decided to go to retire early. I was laying in bed and feeling a bit worn out and depressed (this doesn't happen often) and was starting to fall asleep. I was listening to the traffic going by (i live in a city on a residential road that is off a major highway and located near more commercial blocks), when I heard what might have been tires breaking quickly (it was raining) and a bang or two -- It sounded to me like a fender bender (not necessarily a loud crash, or broken glass, etc.) but I wasn't sure and I wasn't even sure where it was -- like if I was hearing traffic from my block or something further away).
I debated with myself on whether to get up and see if someone needed assistance (and this is obviously the right and ideal thing to do), but was feeling, I don't know, a little too bone tired to get up, I was debating with myself that someone could really need me, what if no one else stopped, than reasoned that the likelihood of the accident being bad at all, or so bad that there were injuries, or that no one on a crowded street or even my roommate who was awake and near our front window while i was in the back of the house away from windows would not see it and alert me if help was needed), I must have really exhausted bc i fell asleep and the next thing I knew it was morning. My roommate mentioned the car accident the next day and said that it had in fact been a fender bender and that it happened at our corner, she looked out the window and saw everyone get out right away so went back to what she was doing, which is all I would have and probably could have done . . .
so i'm essentially lamenting not looking out a window in reality; however, there's a nagging voice in my head that is comparing myself to the neighbors that ignored what happened to Kitty Genovese or the two year who was run over by two cars in china because no passerbys would stop. What if the car accident had been worse than it sounded and people did need help? What if no one else stopped? I know that nothing happened, but I keep worrying about what my reaction (which admittedly is not necessarily typical, i'm not apathetic, and in the past have gotten out of a car and crossed lanes of highway traffic during rush hour to assist someone in an accident, check on them, push their car over to the side, etc.) and what it says about me as a person? Am I the same as the neighbors would ignore their neighbors in distress but I just happened to get lucky that no one was injured? Or am I wasting energy worrying about a fender bender that was likely the sort of thing that happens regularly in the city I live in?
This is rather a long set up to a question, but I guess I'm essentially wondering what other people think about the situation I'm describing? Again, i think the ideal thing would have been to look out my window and check on the situation, better safe than sorry, etc. Is it responsibility ocd, or do I deserve to feel guilty because I actually did fail to respond in a way that is my responsiblity (unlike the person who notices a bottle someone else left in the street and doesn't move it). The irony of course is that if I hadn't been worry so much about other things, I wouldn't have been upset, and probably would have been up, saw that the accident was nothing and never thought about it again, so clearly guilt is affecting my life? But don't some things we deserve to feel guilty about? If I was one of Kitty Genovese's neighbors most people would say that I deserved to feel guilty for the rest of my life and not stop thinking about her?