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Cannot recall memories when drunk - obsessed

Hi,

Over a month ago I received a lap dance in the VIP area of a strip club. I was incredibly drunk at the time. Although I do remember details from being in the club and the lap dance itself I have been obsessed by a thought in my mind that I inserted my penis into the stripper unprotected.

Over weeks gone by I have developed an image in my mind of what happened during the supposed incident- although I know I have no clear memory of this actually happening. The fact that I do not recall getting home from the club has only increased my worry because I cannot trust my recollection of events

From what I remember the stripper encouraged touching and kept offering sexual services. So this was more than just a standard lapdance, but I remember insisting at the time that I only wanted a lapdance and can clearly recall repeatedly turning down her offers for oral sex.

The weeks that followed have been my worst. I have taken 3 std tests at around 3 weeks, all came back negative. I understand a HIV test is not accurate at 3 weeks and my fear of infection from HIV and giving this to my partner has been overwhelming.

Sometimes I feel good but I can never quite relax and sometimes I digress into a very anxious mood. I feel I have destroyed a happy time in my life for both me and my partner. We have been together happily for many years without any previous adultery. I have never had anxiety or obsessive thoughts before (I'm in my 30s)

I don't want to keep feeding into this fear by getting tested again but feel this is the responsible thing to do. I wonder whether I have suppressed a memory because the idea of finding myself having unprotected sex with a prostitute is traumatic.

How can I get help? I can't continue with the uncertainty and guilt anymore. What is this I'm experiencing. I have tried getting counselling but waiting list is 8 weeks +
3 Responses
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Avatar universal
I feel guilty for getting the lapdance - could this guilt be the cause of this obsession which I'm pretty sure has caused this false memory?
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Avatar universal
This seems like textbook OCD to me, my friend. Best advice, try to stop ruminating over and over on the events as it just feeds into the OCD. As time passes, the worry will decrease and decrease. Hang in there.
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1 Comments
Also don't drink if you have ocd because it is guaranteed to make you unhappy for a long time afterward as has happened here.
973741 tn?1342342773
It's amazing to me how much guilt can factor in.  Truly.  Yes, that can increase your anxiety.  I see it around the forums all the time. Since you mention HIV, I can tell you that your worst case scenario of what you 'think' or more accurately "imagined" may have happened would not give you HIV.  Oral sex is not going to lead to getting HIV.  Giving you oral also imposes a low risk for other std's. That's all if that even ever happened which I'm really guessing didn't.  You remember other details fairly clearly so you'd remember that.  

What do you do for treatment of OCD? That's important.  You can work with a doctor and therapist for a good outcome of that so these types of situations don't plague you.
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