Did I molest my sister or is this pocd/false memory?

[Donovan1]

Last june I was waiting for my girlfriend and was watching t.v. and a show about pedophiles and child molesters came up and I suddenly started obsessing that I was one. I looked to my past and there is one memory that truly bothers me only its not one memory, I have about 10 memories of what I felt or did and theyre all different but all the same event. It centers around one time when I was wiping my little sister after she got out of the bathroom. I had never found this pleasing before, i thought her vagna was gross and it was just a job. this time though , I remember the thought of "what if this turns her on?" now this is where it gets hazy. one memory has me turning it into a joke in my head and laughing, ne has me looking to test if she does while i wipe, and another has me scared and nervous. I do know that she shivered (because it was cold) and that I stopped becaue I kinda got scared that I was doing something wrong, ut i'm scared I might have liked it. I'm scared I might have had some strange animalistic steak or something that made me do something bad, and im scared I knew I did this for two yars and didnt feel guilty because Im sick. I have no idea what really happend. I do know that whenever ive seen pedophilia in a movie or book Ive been disgusted, but Im scared I might have done it.
when my sisters friends come over i test my self the whole time and im so scared I ussually have to leave. I have hocd , nut Im so scared I did something terrible. Im so scared paart of me is evil, and I have a vague memory of feling evil but i dont know if i really did. If I did this i want to die, i feel so disgusting.
Im a 16 year old male, please help me.

[TheSquirrel]

I have similar thoughts since a few years about something that happened about 10 years ago. I think what makes this kind of OCD so scary is that it's so hard to accept that false memories can be so detailed and feel so real. Otherwise it would not be able to create so much fear. We have to accept that it's a disorder and that it's possible to overcome this. It's a cycle of fear and doubt. The doubt amplyfies the fear and the fear the doubt. We need to practise to stop putting energy in this cycle.

[JGF25]

Jon, start a new thread so that you are not stuck at the bottom of Donovan's thread.  It is easier that way for people to respond.  Thank you.  

[Jon111213]

I've been going through the same things for some time now. I feel so anxious and terrible about something I  think that I did years ago. I fight it so much everyday that I feel like I am never whole or never fully in the moment. I have terrible thoughts about what I think I remember and I sit in disgust with myself bc I believe I am a horrible person. I wouldn't wish these thought or feelings of pain that I experience on anyone else. Ever since I was young I've been paranoid about being sick with bad diseases or certain things happening but this seems to be a completely different animal with no let up. I know deep down I'm a good person but my mind want to constantly tell me otherwise. I didn't think I could ever suffer this much but I go through it every day and I really can't deal with it anymore. I don't find any appeal to little kids in any inappropriate way or want to harm them whatsoever but my mind is telling me something happened in the past and I did something that is crushing me with guilt. It's like a nightmare that never ends.

[Alan79]

You're trapped in the OCD cycle. You need reassurance from us every time you get an intrusive thought. We can keep reassuring you that you're not a pedophile/molester/bestiality pervert but it will still you get nowhere because it's only temporary relief. It's working just like a compulsion ritual with other OCD suffers. It's only a matter of time before another thought arises.

I'm glad you are taking all the right steps. I'm glad you're taking action. I will tell you what cured me Donovan maybe it might help you. I was exactly in your shoes last year until I discovered mindfulness. The act of observing your thoughts without judgment or attachment. You should look it up and practice it, it has helped many OCD sufferers. Mindfulness was my miracle.

Good Luck Donovan.

Alen  

[Donovan1]

Hello, I'm sorry I'm really not meaning to be annoying, I'm so sorry but i need to confess something. I believe I committed besriality. I was scratching my dog in his favorite place (right above his tail , I dont really think his butt) and he seemed to be really liking it and I suddenly got the thought that I was getting him off and i got very nervous but i kinda smiled and just scratched him harder because he liked it and I wanted to see if he really was, maybe prove myself wrong, i always smile when im nervous I guess, I wasnt getting off. I cant go near a dog without almost throwing up now. I hate myself.
Yes I am looking for a psychiatrist who takes my insurance right now, I am doing the breathing techniques alot , I am going to a meditation class on tuesday, and I havent gpne to the library yet because my mom hasnt had time to drive me and I dont have my liscense, thank you and I'm very sorry

[JGF25]

PM me if you need to or start a new post to get you out of the middle of Donovan's thread.  

[JGF25]

Are you doing the breathing and meditation?  Did you go to the library and look for the books Donovan?  

Alan is right...we cannot fix you...only you can do that with the help of professionals.  Our reassurance only goes so far and then you are back at it.  Look at it from our perspective.  As the people who are trying to guide you in the right direction we get tired of writing the same things.  We can certainly sympathize because we have been where you are but we need to see some action on your part to help yourself get better.  

[Donovan1]

Hello , thank you very much for your reply, it really means alot to me. I have told my parents and I've been begging my mom to let me see one since June but we can't afford one . I've calmed down a little bit for now, but thoughts just won't stop you know? I'm really trying to get help but it seems like for now this website is the closest i can get. Its just impossible to get a break.
like for example I keep obsessing that I molested my dog because when I was petting him he seemed like he really liked it and I joked that he was getting off. It just never ends.

[Donovan1]

This is the third time Ive tried to post the comment , the first on my ipod and then on my computer and the two previous were both somehow deleted just as I was about to hit enter. Anyways , please read this, I dont know if this is completely ocd.
I was very sexual after I saw the man in the mcdonalds bathroom and I often wonder if i was molested, I even tried to ouch my moms boobs once when i was little.
When I was little my step dad would watch extremely sexual things in front of me and my step sister, once he apparently had a porno on. I'm pretty sure he may have molested y step sister as he acted very strange with her  and she was always acting sexually with me at age five, I felt somewhat aroused but also very weird.
I also took a barbie into my room and started kissing it around this time and had my toys kiss girl toys and i practiced kissing on my pillow.
In first grade i had a girl my aage pin me against a wall and say that her parents were having sex which scared me and I ran away thinking she wanted to even though i didnt really know what it was.
i started fearing i as going to get molested around this time, a story I already shared above.
Then in the fith grade i was waiting for someone to take me to school when i heard screaming noises coming from my parents bedroom , I thought my mom was being murdered but when i rushed in i just saw her and my step dad having sex , they didnt even stop , they just smiled and my mom moaned sorry. I ran downstairs and cried but i could still hear them. my step dad finnally came and got me and asked what my problem was.
the next year he bragged about picturing my mom naked and how hot she was which made me sick.
in 7th grade he moved out and in 8th we moved for the 15th time to a condo my grandma as renting us. this is when things got ad. I started getting weird feelings and thoughts around my sister and would have to repeat holding her to check the thoughts. i would have anxiety every time i touched her.
This is when the changing incident happend, I was wiping my sister ad thought her vagina was really gross, i was debating whether or not to wipe it. Then the thought entered my mind that sh might get turned on, and this is where its blurry, did I wipe normal or more slowly, was i anxious or lustful? right now i keep thinking lustful but I really dont know. then she shivered from the cold, but i thought she was turned on and again i dont remember if i was anxious, thought it was funny, or felt lustful.
I got hocd really bad a few months later and once when i had to help my sister change her swim suite i remmebered how i had thought her vagina had been gross and i looked at it to see if it was still gross, i didnt touch it but i feel horrible about this, and it still was gross. I focused on hocd for the next year until i was watching the show i first mentioned and rememebered all of this, ive been obsessing ever since, trying to remmebr what i did and what i felt, but i cant tell whats reallity or not. recently me and my sister were watching iggy pop play the passenger online and she got a weird look on her face like shwe was turned on, i laughed for a second but then got really anxious and shut it off and felt sick. I think i could be a sicko, Im scared of what i might have done but i want to know. Im terrified im going to lose my girl friend because im so screwed up. i feel so sick i might throw up. please respond, thank you.

[Xmasbaby81]

Hi, yes I have tried medication. The last time I took it was about 2 years ago. I started having some strange side effects so I stopped taking it. I have thought about getting back on something "mild" but the fears of what if the meds make the thoughts worse, or what if the meds make me act in a horrific way and I did something awful....always the what ifs! I obsess about the meds that are supposed to help with obsessing! Dumb I know!!!   I haven't suffered the entire past 10 years, it's been a roller coaster with OCD. Sometimes I wouldn't obsess for a couple years and I would think I was "cured" from OCD. This last episode started when I went to Europe in October (without my kids and husband, and was totally out of my comfort zone). I worried about the flight there, trying to sleep and enjoy myself was almost impossible. Anxiety stayed for the entire time I was there, plus missing my kids made it seem worse. After I got back home we moved into a new house the next weekend, so I am not sure if the stress of it all brought on this spike. Either way, it's stuck around and there has been a few other spikes that have hopped on board too. But the molester one seems to be the worst one. It's good to know I am not the only person on this planet with these thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone else out there with anxiety as bad as mine. It can feel quite lonely at times. I can only ask my husband and mom so many times if I am a bad person before they start to get irritated and tell me I need to drop it. I guess they are right.

[JGF25]

Hi there.  Since you know about OCD you also know deep down inside that this is just one more irrational thought.  Some thoughts we have are more horrific than others and the more horrific they are, the longer they are going to stay around.  The good news is, and I believe you said your therapists said this as well, is that we do not act on our thoughts.  They are so horrifying to us that we would never act on them.  It is almost like we care too much which is why the person we are afraid of becoming is not the person we truly are.  

Are you still in therapy because 10 years is a really long time to be suffering with OCD.  I assume you learned cognitive behavioral therapy?  Have you ever tried medication?  

[Donovan1]

I have similar worries and fears about when I was in 8th grade, I was very affectionate with my sister and playful. one memory that scared me before was when i was on top of her tickling her and I suddenly got these intrusive thoughts and I had a feeling that thought meant I was a pedophile, but it turned out the feeling was anxiety and that i wasnt a child molester at all, but that I was scared of being one or that i would have those thoughts. my tip to you is to try your hardest not to analyze the past because you're never going to remember anything if you do, you'll only create false realities of your worst nightmares. just no that no matter what you did that day, it wasnt molestation , I sometimes have doubts like "what if it wasnt ocd, what if I wanted to do something to my sister?' but then I think about it and realise i've never been sexually interested in anyone who wasnt age appropiate, and neither have you.

[Xmasbaby81]

Thank you for posting your reply JGF. I have and been diagnosed with Pure O. I have suffered through many OCD obsessions for the past 10 years, all started after having my first child and it never truly went away after that. The obsessions vary in anxiety levels and how long they stick around.  I am having an obsession currently about being a molester too. About 4 years ago I was playing with with my niece and tickling her, the thought came to my mind that she looked like she had boobs (she was about 2 at the time and a rather chunky baby) so I poked her on her chest to see if I was right. No groping, or caressing, just a poke and that's that. I didn't think anything about it at the time but about 1 year later I remembered that and fell into a deep state of panic and anxiety. Wondering if I did something inappropriate or wrong or "molesterish".I think I remember looking to see that nobody saw me poke her before I did it (I didn't want anyone to think I was a weirdo..if that makes sense.) I keep questioning myself if it was just a simple curiosity why did I have to pick something like that to be curious about?    I am a mother to 2 kids and married to a great man. I have never been turned on or attracted to children in a sexual way. I just keep doubting myself and it's torture. Despite the evidence that I have no past history of being attracted to kids or desire to molest one, its so hard to convince myself of anything. This is not the 1st time I have obsessed about this,  but for some reason it's harder to let go of this time. Before I was able to brush the thought off as irrational and dumb. I have even "confessed" this to about 4 people (2 being professional therapists) & all have said the same thing,  I am not a molester or pedophile and I never will be. I was just curious at the time and that's it. I beat myself up for any and everything that I feel can cause guilt.  (I guess I have a form of guilt OCD too?)  I always go back to the thought,  what if this time it's not OCD but you really are a molester. That makes me sick and filled with anxiety. I hate to think of living the rest of my life constantly questioning if I am a danger to kids.

[Donovan1]

Oh I should also mention that when I was 3 i went to the MENS room by myself for I think the first time without my mom , she told me if I saw a bad guy to scream for help and run out . So i went i there being kind of scared and I walked past a man and didnt notice much and i went pee and when I turned around he was naked and looking at me really creepy and i ran past him and out of the bathroom and tried telling my mom but i was so scared and i could barely talk so she didnt understand what happend until almost a year later. After that, I became paranoid that everyone was trying to molest me and i would come up with false memories and tell my mom that someone was trying to get me when i played outside  and i thought everyone was a child molester. The really bad thing and i feel so horrible about this was in the first grade I had an older friend and neighbor who was 11 or 12 and I was playing outside and it was about 10 in the morning and he came outside in his boxers to take out the trash and he said "hey Donovan look" and he was trying to do some weird spin to throw away the trash but all I saw was his penis come out his boxers after he said "hey look" and I freaked out and ran home and told my mom and she called the police and they talked to him but we didnt press charges , but I humiliated him because then everyone thought he was a pedophile in the neighborhood and he lost alot of his friends and became very depressed and sad, I feel like I ruined his life. Could these past experienes be the source of this fear? Thank you

[Donovan1]

Thanks everyone for your respones , I'm doing much better now, the breathing techniques really helped!!! I now have realized that I didnt ever molest my sister, the only thing thats bothering me now is that well before this I used to love to cuddle with my little sister, I've been worried that I might have had an erection while cuddling her but I have no actual memories of having one with her. I think this is bothering me becaause of when i was little after my parents divorced we lived next to the guy who would become my step dad and my step sister (this is a different sister) and I had a crush on her (I was about 5 she was about 4) and when we played house I used to get turned on cuddling with her , and it was really confusing when she became my sister. A similar thing haooend to me with someone who would eventually become my step cousin and I'm worried i might have had the same thing with my little sister even though i don't have any memories of this like i do with my step sister/cousin, so I think its probably just ocd. I do know that when I used to be happy but feel anxiety when i cuddled my sister maybe because I was worried I would feel the same way? I'm not sure , but i know I never touched her innapropiately Im just worried I miht have thought or felt the same as with my step sister? Im also worried because when I was really little I remember being scared cuddling with my mom because my face was on her boobs but they felt comfy and helped me sleep, is that normal? And i remember when i was little purposley laying on my moms vagina because it felt comfortable. I guess i'm scared i like incest

[gobosox91]

Trust me, this sounds like your mind is warping this into something that it isn't. I've been there before. I convinced myself I was truly gay when I was younger, thus leading me to have actual same sex attractions. Kinda like a placebo effect, or whatever you call it. You have OCD, don't worry, I have a hunch you didn't do it.

[JGF25]

Do what I mentioned above.  Nothing gets better without work.  Get out of your head for a while.  

[Donovan1]

Okay I can do that, thank you so much. No I wouldn't go out and molest a kid, I have a girlfriend who I love more than anything, we've been together for almost a year now and I truly want to be with her forever. I have a bad relationship with my family, it's kind of a broken home and I used to have a gods relationship with my sister but I can't even look at her now. Thank you very much, I'll do this, thank you from the bottom of my hear :')

[Donovan1]

I think the feeling even could have been an intense happiness, but I don't know. I'm sorry for posting so much, I'm going crazy. I can't concentrate on anything else and I feel so anxious my ears are always ringing and everythings blurry and I don't know . I don't know what's going on

[JGF25]

Donovan...do you feel like you are a person that would go out right now and molest a child?  If not, then you are not a sick person.  OCD can make us doubt past events.  "What if" or "Did I."  We are the great catastrophizers. I wish someone paid me for every time I took a thought to the nth degree.  I would be a very rich woman.   We create false memories.  Do you have a good relationship with your family members?  Your sister?  

I want you to do something for me.  I want you to do two things tonight.  The first is I want you to do some controlled breathing.  I want you to lay down on your bed with your hands on your stomach.  I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose so that you can feel your stomach rise, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head or say "In" in your head when you take the breath.  Then let it all out through your mouth and feel the fall of your stomach.  YOu can say "Out" as you do this.  Do this breathing until you feel calm.  You are only focusing on your breathing and nothing else.  If your mind starts to wander, then reign it back in.  

The second thing I want to you to do is go on YouTube and find a good meditation video.  I wish I kept the link to the one that actually made me so relaxed that I felt like I was part of the couch when I was done.  Find a video and meditate.  

Tomorrow is a new day.  Repeat the above.  Go to your local library and look for the following books:and start reading.  Read about why we think the things we think.  Read about how you can alter your thinking...kind of like retraining your brain.  

The OCD Workbook:  YOur Guide to Breaking free of OCD
Brain Lock by ???
Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani

[Donovan1]

Am I just a sick person? I cant get a therapist or anything bcause we have no money and ive talked to my mom but shes annoyed and doesnt understand why I'm obsessing about these things. I think i know I had this feeling before , I just dont know what it is or why i had or if its good or bad. Was I just some sick creep?

[Donovan1]

Hi, thank you so much for replying, it means the world to me. Something that scares me is that I think I might have had this feeling with my little sister , almost like a crush . I think i remember this but I dont have any specific memories of it . I think I could have been a pervert before and that show just made me feel guilty? Like maybe I just didn't accept this part of me? I don't know I really don't know, I don't think I've ever been turned on by my sister or any little kid, but I'm pretty sure I had this feeling? Is this normal?
I think I had this feeling, but I don't know what it is or how to describe it?

[JGF25]

Hi there.  First of all this is a mental disorder, OCD is a mental disorder, and highly treatable so don't even think about hurting yourself.  I ought to know because I live the same life.  

There are triggers for people with OCD and those triggers are usually something horrific.  We see something or hear something and then we start with the "what-if."  From there we take that thought and we try to apply it to our lives and of course we are going to come up with something because that is how we torture ourselves with our own minds.  

You can only be a pedo*phile if you want to go out and harm children.  This does not sound like who you are.  People with OCD do not act on these thoughts because they are horrifying to us.  It is no different than the HOCD.  You don't wake up a pedo*phile and you don't wake up gay.  It just doesn't work that way.  People that are truly gay or pedo*philes don't have a problem being the way they are.  Gay people know they are gay and accept it.  Pedo*philes know they are doing something wrong but don't care.  If you were indifferent would you have spent two days in bed crying?  Of course not.  You spent two days in bed crying because you were in an OCD crisis and don't have any idea how to help yourself.  

If you think about it, I'm sure there have been other anxious moments in your life.  What you need to do is talk to your parents because you really should see a psychologist so that you can learn the tools you need to help yourself when these thoughts pop up.  For me they are stress related so stress equals OCD ramp up for me.  Think about it...are you stressed lately?  I know you don't want to go to your parents and say "I'm afraid I will turn into a pedo*phile."  Trust me, if I told you all the things I have thought over the years you would be astounded but I'm not going to mention any of them because it just adds fuel to the fire that is OCD.  But let me tell you that I have had both thoughts you have....POCD AND HOCD.  Obviously I am neither.  So please talk to your parents about your anxiety in general and hopefully they will make an appointment for you.  When you see the therapist you tell them everything.  Trust me there is nothing they haven't heard before and they can't help you fix what they don't know is broken.

Let me know how you are doing.