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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

Did I molest my sister or is this pocd/false memory?

Last june I was waiting for my girlfriend and was watching t.v. and a show about pedophiles and child molesters came up and I suddenly started obsessing that I was one. I looked to my past and there is one memory that truly bothers me only its not one memory, I have about 10 memories of what I felt or did and theyre all different but all the same event. It centers around one time when I was wiping my little sister after she got out of the bathroom. I had never found this pleasing before, i thought her vagna was gross and it was just a job. this time though , I remember the thought of "what if this turns her on?" now this is where it gets hazy. one memory has me turning it into a joke in my head and laughing, ne has me looking to test if she does while i wipe, and another has me scared and nervous. I do know that she shivered (because it was cold) and that I stopped becaue I kinda got scared that I was doing something wrong, ut i'm scared I might have liked it. I'm scared I might have had some strange animalistic steak or something that made me do something bad, and im scared I knew I did this for two yars and didnt feel guilty because Im sick. I have no idea what really happend. I do know that whenever ive seen pedophilia in a movie or book Ive been disgusted, but Im scared I might have done it.
when my sisters friends come over i test my self the whole time and im so scared I ussually have to leave. I have hocd , nut Im so scared I did something terrible. Im so scared paart of me is evil, and I have a vague memory of feling evil but i dont know if i really did. If I did this i want to die, i feel so disgusting.
Im a 16 year old male, please help me.
26 Responses
Avatar universal
Donovon, Tell your parents you are suffering from anxiety. You don't have to tell them why or what you are thinking, just tell them you have anxiety issues and you would like to see a psychologist or counselor. I've read all your posts and I can see you are obsessed with these thoughts, they are plaguing you. You need to hear that "YOU ARE IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM A MOLESTER AND YOU NEVER WILL BE" You need to hear these words come from a professionals mouth. It's very common to get these thoughts and grow up with the experiences you have only people without OCD dismiss these thoughts and let them go without analyzing them. YOU HAVE OCD. ACT NOW. ACTION is the only way to get rid of this. Tell your parents you have anxiety issues and you want to see a professional. HELP YOURSELF NOW DONOVON.
Avatar universal
Also, I don't know if this changes anything but as soon as I thought i "remembered "doing this I couldnt get out of bed for two days because i felt so nauseous and scared and i couldnt stop crying. I dont even know if any of the scenarios i think remember would be considered melostation, but i'm terrified. Please help me I cant take this any more.  
Avatar universal
Please someone reply, I can't hold on much longer. I think I might have had an evil feeling while I was changing her after I had that thought, I can't describe besides evil and like when you pinch someone and you want them to kinda hurt . God I think I must be evil. I don't want to live, I'm just a monster.
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  First of all this is a mental disorder, OCD is a mental disorder, and highly treatable so don't even think about hurting yourself.  I ought to know because I live the same life.  

There are triggers for people with OCD and those triggers are usually something horrific.  We see something or hear something and then we start with the "what-if."  From there we take that thought and we try to apply it to our lives and of course we are going to come up with something because that is how we torture ourselves with our own minds.  

You can only be a pedo*phile if you want to go out and harm children.  This does not sound like who you are.  People with OCD do not act on these thoughts because they are horrifying to us.  It is no different than the HOCD.  You don't wake up a pedo*phile and you don't wake up gay.  It just doesn't work that way.  People that are truly gay or pedo*philes don't have a problem being the way they are.  Gay people know they are gay and accept it.  Pedo*philes know they are doing something wrong but don't care.  If you were indifferent would you have spent two days in bed crying?  Of course not.  You spent two days in bed crying because you were in an OCD crisis and don't have any idea how to help yourself.  

If you think about it, I'm sure there have been other anxious moments in your life.  What you need to do is talk to your parents because you really should see a psychologist so that you can learn the tools you need to help yourself when these thoughts pop up.  For me they are stress related so stress equals OCD ramp up for me.  Think about it...are you stressed lately?  I know you don't want to go to your parents and say "I'm afraid I will turn into a pedo*phile."  Trust me, if I told you all the things I have thought over the years you would be astounded but I'm not going to mention any of them because it just adds fuel to the fire that is OCD.  But let me tell you that I have had both thoughts you have....POCD AND HOCD.  Obviously I am neither.  So please talk to your parents about your anxiety in general and hopefully they will make an appointment for you.  When you see the therapist you tell them everything.  Trust me there is nothing they haven't heard before and they can't help you fix what they don't know is broken.

Let me know how you are doing.
Avatar universal
Hi, thank you so much for replying, it means the world to me. Something that scares me is that I think I might have had this feeling with my little sister , almost like a crush . I think i remember this but I dont have any specific memories of it . I think I could have been a pervert before and that show just made me feel guilty? Like maybe I just didn't accept this part of me? I don't know I really don't know, I don't think I've ever been turned on by my sister or any little kid, but I'm pretty sure I had this feeling? Is this normal?
I think I had this feeling, but I don't know what it is or how to describe it?
Avatar universal
Am I just a sick person? I cant get a therapist or anything bcause we have no money and ive talked to my mom but shes annoyed and doesnt understand why I'm obsessing about these things. I think i know I had this feeling before , I just dont know what it is or why i had or if its good or bad. Was I just some sick creep?
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
Donovan...do you feel like you are a person that would go out right now and molest a child?  If not, then you are not a sick person.  OCD can make us doubt past events.  "What if" or "Did I."  We are the great catastrophizers. I wish someone paid me for every time I took a thought to the nth degree.  I would be a very rich woman.   We create false memories.  Do you have a good relationship with your family members?  Your sister?  

I want you to do something for me.  I want you to do two things tonight.  The first is I want you to do some controlled breathing.  I want you to lay down on your bed with your hands on your stomach.  I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose so that you can feel your stomach rise, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head or say "In" in your head when you take the breath.  Then let it all out through your mouth and feel the fall of your stomach.  YOu can say "Out" as you do this.  Do this breathing until you feel calm.  You are only focusing on your breathing and nothing else.  If your mind starts to wander, then reign it back in.  

The second thing I want to you to do is go on YouTube and find a good meditation video.  I wish I kept the link to the one that actually made me so relaxed that I felt like I was part of the couch when I was done.  Find a video and meditate.  

Tomorrow is a new day.  Repeat the above.  Go to your local library and look for the following books:and start reading.  Read about why we think the things we think.  Read about how you can alter your thinking...kind of like retraining your brain.  

The OCD Workbook:  YOur Guide to Breaking free of OCD
Brain Lock by ???
Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani
Avatar universal
I think the feeling even could have been an intense happiness, but I don't know. I'm sorry for posting so much, I'm going crazy. I can't concentrate on anything else and I feel so anxious my ears are always ringing and everythings blurry and I don't know . I don't know what's going on
Avatar universal
Okay I can do that, thank you so much. No I wouldn't go out and molest a kid, I have a girlfriend who I love more than anything, we've been together for almost a year now and I truly want to be with her forever. I have a bad relationship with my family, it's kind of a broken home and I used to have a gods relationship with my sister but I can't even look at her now. Thank you very much, I'll do this, thank you from the bottom of my hear :')
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
Do what I mentioned above.  Nothing gets better without work.  Get out of your head for a while.  
Avatar universal
Trust me, this sounds like your mind is warping this into something that it isn't. I've been there before. I convinced myself I was truly gay when I was younger, thus leading me to have actual same sex attractions. Kinda like a placebo effect, or whatever you call it. You have OCD, don't worry, I have a hunch you didn't do it.
Avatar universal
Thanks everyone for your respones , I'm doing much better now, the breathing techniques really helped!!! I now have realized that I didnt ever molest my sister, the only thing thats bothering me now is that well before this I used to love to cuddle with my little sister, I've been worried that I might have had an erection while cuddling her but I have no actual memories of having one with her. I think this is bothering me becaause of when i was little after my parents divorced we lived next to the guy who would become my step dad and my step sister (this is a different sister) and I had a crush on her (I was about 5 she was about 4) and when we played house I used to get turned on cuddling with her , and it was really confusing when she became my sister. A similar thing haooend to me with someone who would eventually become my step cousin and I'm worried i might have had the same thing with my little sister even though i don't have any memories of this like i do with my step sister/cousin, so I think its probably just ocd. I do know that when I used to be happy but feel anxiety when i cuddled my sister maybe because I was worried I would feel the same way? I'm not sure , but i know I never touched her innapropiately Im just worried I miht have thought or felt the same as with my step sister? Im also worried because when I was really little I remember being scared cuddling with my mom because my face was on her boobs but they felt comfy and helped me sleep, is that normal? And i remember when i was little purposley laying on my moms vagina because it felt comfortable. I guess i'm scared i like incest
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