Disturbed by wife's past love relationship

[hp2326]

Hello,
        I am 27 years old Indian(Gujarati) guy. I just got engaged with a 23 year old girl by arrange marriage. I was raised in very conservative family where love marriage was not allowed. I never had a girlfriend and I never had any intimate moments with any girl in the past. I always believed in higher morals and hated the idea of any physical contacts between couples before marriage. when I met my fiancee, I talked to her about not having girlfriend and wanting a girl who did not have any past relationship. At that moment she did not tell me about her past and thought that once I know her better she would tell me everything. After a month of our engagement, she told me that she liked a guy when she was in college and they loved each other and wanted to get married. But for some reason, it did not work out for them and the guy pulled out of the relationship. After further questioning, she accepted that she kissed the guy but she did not have sex with him. Since that day, I feel really disturbed. I always dreamed about having a pure wife and loving her so much, but now I feel like she is not "pure" as I saved myself and she didn't. I fear that I will not be able to respect her and love her in the future since these thoughts of her kissing another guy will come back. But I love her and want to live my life with her. At this moment we are living in different countries and we only talk on phone. I fear that if I pull out of this relationship, her life will be affected because of the social backlash which I don't want. I want her to be happy. I don't want this to affect our future and ruin her life. I don't discuss this with her since I don't want to push her away, but it feels like these feelings are piling up and started affecting my life.
             Please help me what I should do? Should I stay in this relationship or pull out? Will these thoughts ever go away? Will I be able to overcome this jealousy? Any help is appreciated.
            Thanks.

[JGF25]

Ideally a psychologist would be a first good step because they teach coping skills and usually psychiatrists are the medication people.  You can ask the person you are going to see whether they teach cognitive behavioral therapy.  

[JGF25]

Is therapy an option for you where you live?

[hp2326]

Yes. I am actually thinking about going to see a Psychiatrist. Is this the right professional to go?

[hp2326]

Thanks for your support. But I feel like I will end up loosing her since many irrational thoughts are coming in my mind. Like she told me that the guy tried to touch her at inappropriate place and she stopped her and she told me that it was for only a second. I cant stop thinking about it. Where did he try to touch her? How long did he try to touch her? Is she telling me the truth or more then that happened? I picture them having very intimate moments and him touch her at all over the places. I feel like I have OCD and I will not be able to overcome it. These thoughts are killing me. I am afraid that these thoughts will not go away. And also there is moral angel too. I feel like she did something immoral. We are at the verge of breaking this relationship because I keep asking her the same questions over and over. I am not sure what to do.

[JGF25]

You have several things going on at once.  You are marrying someone you don't even know and you are expected to make it work.  To me that is already a compromise.  I understand that this is your culture but talk about anxiety.  I think, even if you don't realize it, there is some anxiety going on in your subconscious which in turn is making you fixate on this kiss that your future wife told you about.  Did she tell you what kind of kiss it was?  For all you know it was a peck on the lips.  But that is really here nor there.  I think you have a smart, upfront wife coming your way and for that you should be grateful and I'm sure with effort on both parts, you can make it work.  Marriage is a compromise...never forget that.  Even if you are in different cultures.  If one person is doing all the compromising, the other person is not happy.  

[Sweetheartgirl]

Of course you will love her once u get to see her and spend time with her you will forget about all your worries. Try not thinking about it even thou I know it's hard but disturb yourself every time the thought comes to your head. Everything will be fine don't worry

[hp2326]

Thanks Sweetheartgirl and JGF25. Your answers really helped. The reason I am worried about is the values I was raised with. I am worried that I am starting my life with a compromise. Would I be able to love her as much in the future. Since this is arrange marriage and we are leaving far from each other, this fear of unknown is really disturbing me. I feel like I will end up ruining her life because of my thinking and over analyzing things.

[JGF25]

I think what Sweetheartgirl wrote is spot on.  Good luck and there is certainly nothing to be jealous of.  You are getting the girl in the end!  :)  Rest easy my friend.  Things will all fall into place.  

[Sweetheartgirl]

Yes these thoughts will go away as soon as you stop caring about it so much, I understand what u mean by wanting a pure wife. But things happen in life and you have to forgive people, maybe she was so in love with her previous partner she though he'll be the one for the rest of her life and wanted to stay pure to him. As he backed out I bet she was heart broken and thought no one else will want her, she could've kept that kiss as a secret but she told you that shows how much you mean to her she didn't wanna have no secrets. If you tell her that you don't want he because she's not pure she's gonna go through the same thing over again. Just put her past behind and start fresh, she's still pure as she was never touched sexually.