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Do I have HOCD or am I gay?

It all started about 2 ago. I thought, "what if I am a lesbian?". I also interacted with  lesbians online but at the time I was too young I think to know. Ever since then I couldn't get this out of my head. I don't want to date women. I get these intrusive, sexual thoughts about women and I try to tell if I would enjoy it or not, but being with a women disgusts me. (I lam not homophobic. I believe in gay rights). I would however avoid a gay film. I also would never where plaid or rainbow. I try to look as feminine as possible and check my voice to make sure it is high enough. Through the rest of my child hood I have been attracted to boys. I had crushes on boys since kindergarten up until 9th grade. I recently  grade but always worried that I would find out I was really a lesbian and be wrong about my sexuality. I thought I could be bi sexual but I have never had a crush on a girl before. (I'm starting to wonder if the online interaction was because boys were not as good as the girls??) I check myself to see if I find girls sexually attractive (and boys the same). I, however have lost attraction towards boys but haven't gained attraction to girls. My head just keeps telling me these things about girls that I couldn't imagine myself thinking or doing. It makes my stomach feel hallow and almost today brought me to tears. I don't wajnt to be wrong. Sometimes I'll cancel out a gay thought with a straight thought to see what I like better. I feel nothing towards both usually, but I used to be attracted to boys and I don't know what happened. I started looking for answers this year and I came across Hocd. I take sexuality quizzes and spend hours at night searing HOCD and signs of being a lesbian snd the difference between the two. Sometimes I feel better but immediately the thoughts and feelings come back. I go to bed thinking about this and wake up the next morning thinking about it. It's draining and I'm thinking about seeing someone about this but I'm afraid of what they'll tell me. I have always been s little OCD about germs  and have anxiety (both undiagnosed).i imagine myself kissing my friends but I don't feel anything. my last boyfriend  wasn't the best and I'm afraid is was because I am a lesbian. I guess the best case scenario would be if I was bi because I could still date guys.  I just need answers I'm at a loss here. Sometimes I wonder if thinking my child hood best friend was pretty (first grade) means I'm gay. I know this is long but I don't want to be gay, sometimes I feel sure that I'm not for a half hour then it all comes back. Should I go talk to someone?? I can recognize if a girl is pretty and wish I was too, but does that make me gay?? Sometimes I feel things towards guys and I walk by them to get their attention, but I just am not interested in dating and it scares me I'll find a guy and be wrong about my sexuality. I just wish I could decide on something, I could deal with coming out but I don't want to be wrong. I just don't want to be wrong.
1 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Here is my take on being gay or not.  I believe it is genetic.  I believe we are born gay or we are not.  I don't believe that we wake up one day and become gay.  If you said out loud right now "I'm gay," would you want to go out and get a girlfriend?  If not, then you cannot possibly be gay.  Your mind is playing tricks on you.  Since you have not been formally diagnosed with OCD, I can't say that is what you have but it sure does seem like it.  Ideally you would see a psychologist to be diagnosed and learn cognitive behavioral therapy.  What you did when you replaced a bad thought with a good one, is part of CBT.  It takes practice.  And that whole looking at another girl and noticing they are attractive...very normal.  We are jealous, envious whatever you want to call it creatures and want to look as good as the next girl we see.  Also STOP testing.  Testing get you no where.  It only adds fuel to the fire that is OCD.  OCD is a doubters disorder.  We are only appeased for a short while and they we are back at it with the "What-if" stuff.  

Here are a few good articles to read

http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=82:ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&catid=0

http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php

If you go through the forum posts, you will see that the majority of the posts are about HOCD.  It is very, very common.  Next step is to see a psychologist and get help for what is probably OCD.  
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