Do I have HOCD or am I gay?

[Dead_insidE]

Two main things you need to know about me before we start this, I struggle with OCD about my health, constantly checking myself for tumors or signs of chronic illness and disease. I OBSESS over this and spend hundreds of dollars on trips to the doctor every year just to be told I’m perfectly healthy... 2nd My whole life I’ve been with women, I find them very attractive and I enjoy sexual encounters with them.

Ok, here we go. ever sense I was 12 I’ve masterbated to the thought of both men and women and I still do this today, 12 years later. It never used to bug me before, I used to just do it to get off and then move on with my day like nothing ever happened, but now for some reason I can’t help but wonder, have I been gay my whole life but never realized it till now?
I mean, I have fantasies about men just as much as I do with women, sometimes even more than women if I’m being honest which I feel in this situation is the only way to get to the truth...but in real life I’ve never wanted to actually be with a man. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man, I don’t want to kiss a man,I don’t want to have an emotional connection with a man.... it’s all sexual fantasies I’m having. I tried to hook up with a guy once out of curiosity, and for the sake of regaining my mental health, hoping it would give me some insight on my sexual orientation....but when it came down to it, In the heat of the moment I couldn’t go through with it... we were both in bed and cuddling and he wanted me to “pleasure him” it was weird and uncomfortable and I ended up leaving, even though it was a situation I had fantasized about for so long....at first I thought it was cuz “hey, I’m straight this is good news I’m not gay!” but now I’m thinking, “damn, did I just psych myself out and really I wanted to do it, I should have followed through but I let my insecurities and emotions get in the way?”

Every waking moment of my life is spent searching the internet for answers about being gay, looking at porn and seeing how it effects me, constantly trying to reassure myself that I’m straight with memories of my past, always asking my friends and family if they think I’m gay, longing for the sweet relief of death most days cuz it would just put my mind at ease!
the thing is, if I really am gay or straight I don’t even care at this point after all the suffering, it would just be nice to not feel like I don’t know who I am inside.
I have a girl who I want to marry... she’s my best friend and I love her with all my heart, but I’m scared if I do marry her one day I’ll find out I’m gay and I’ll ruin both of our lives... she’s well aware I am struggling with my sexuality and is doing what she can to help me which makes me love her even more.
When we first met we had sex all the time and it was great, I loved it! We’ve been living together for about a year and the sex has slowed, sometimes I find it hard to get aroused with her though and resort to masterbating instead... idk if this is cuz I’m gay? or if it’s just cuz I’m used to seeing her naked and having sex with her and it’s normal to feel this way?!? ****, sometimes I even have to think about other girls when we are having sex just to get off but other times I don’t, is that normal?
I can say this much... I don’t want to be gay. Not because I have anything against gay people, I have a sister who’s gay....but I feel like at this point in my life, starting over and realizing my whole life up till now was wrong... I just don’t know if I could handle that. I think I’d hit the breaking point and end up just offing myself, it’s already hard enough being me, I was bullied growing up and never really fit in... I just started getting comfortable with myself and not caring what others thought of me any more....I don’t want to have to start over again.

I’ve noticed when I’m with my girlfriend, all is right in the world and I’m happy. However, when I’m alone, these thoughts attack me all day long distracting me from work, social situations and my hobbies.... it’s ruining my life! I feel like I’m straight but I also feel like I’m just lying to myself! Please help me!

[kaykaykaykay2018]

maybe you're bi?

[Dead_insidE]

I’ve thought that may be true. I really am open to any ideas that could lead to me finally being comfortable with who I am and bringing me peace of mind... But the thing is, whenever I’m not stressing about this stuff, say I am out and about having fun with my friends at the bar or a party or other social situations, Looking back on it, I’ve never ever been attracted to another guy or wanted to find one to hook up with...the only time I get these urges is when I’m home alone, bored and horny and wanting to watch porn or master bate. I’m almost 25 and yes I’ll admit I’ve had urges for guys, but it isn’t far fetched to think over 25 years if I was really into guys that I would have at least been more subconsciously into them and willing to hook up...but I’ve never actually wanted to fully commit to hooking up with one in real life, in my mind it’s easy cuz I can do whatever I want and then it’s over. I don’t want to do that in real life, I just want to be comfortable the way I used to and stop questioning myself. There’s also a lot of added stress cuz I want to propose to my girlfriend but I’m holding off till I find myself.
I also have ALOT of guy friends, tons of them. And I’ve met hundreds of guys through my life. I’ve never been attracted sexually to any of them. Not a single one and that’s God’s honest truth.