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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

Do I have HOCD or am I just in denial that i'm homosexual?

I can't get the idea out of my head that i'm homosexual. To me it would make so much sense. I'm 15 and until now have felt like a completely heterosexual being. I guess I've had my experiences: I remember when i was about 11 me and my mate masturbated in the same room, but i was looking at a picture of a woman and him being there made it less arousing.

But since then, I've wanted only girls and I can't recall having a fantasy about any guys until this "HOCD" kicked in. But how do I know if that's what it is? What if I was always in denial about being gay. Maybe it would explain why I got so anxious and nervous about sexual activity with a girl. Maybe it would explain why I've always been a little bit more sensitve and more in touch with emotions than most blokes my age. Maybe it would explain why from such a young age (as long as i remember) I was worried about looking/acting gay. If i thought the way i spoke was gay i would make a concious effort to sound manly. If I thought I was laying in a girly way i would change the way i was laying.

I haven't mentioned this but when i was about 8 my dad told me that living in a house with three sisters and a mum and no man influence (my parents are divorced) would turn me gay. That hurt a lot and ever since then i haven't felt like a real man.

Maybe this would explain a repressed homosexuality, because i was so scared about my dad.

Although... I have had a couple of relationships, have always been aroused really easily over girls and don't recall ever looking at a guy and thinking "i wanna have sex with him" or "i wanna make out with him". I've had a girlfriend for the last 2 years and it was very serious. I honestly believe that I was in love as much as you can be at this age. We didn't have sex but when we got physical i always felt aroused.

That brings up the question.. what if i'm bisexual but i never realised it? I don't wanna be i just want to be normal.

I'll admit i look at guys with their top off and check their body out, usually admire them a lot or if i see an attractive guy i acknowledge it. i always have. does that mean i wanna get intimate with them?

I believe that the break up with my girlfriend set this obsession off, as one of the main catalysts is a traumatic end to a relationship. I have no doubt that my relationship ending was traumatic.. in fact i promised myself i would never get close to a girl again. I remember thinking "being gay would be easier than going through that again". I went out and hooked up with a couple of girls to move on from my ex but suddenly didn't want to anymore. and thats where the obsession started.

I started putting gay thoughts into my head but i couldn't get them out. they disgusted me and i was never aroused.  but my mind makes me believe that because i thought about it i got aroused. It's gotten to a point where I try with everything I have to be turned on by a guy. I put sexual thoughts into my head and try to masturbate. I always stop because something doesn't feel right.

I CONSTANTLY go into gay porn and look at the pictures to see if i get an erection. I never do but in my head I am. I go onto sites about homosexuality to see if things fit in, i go to the porn i used to always watch and use that to reassure myself, and i always go to sites about hocd. Nothing ever works though.

So am I gay??? Am I just in denial and finding a way to come out?
Or have I genuinely developed HOCD?
80 Responses
Avatar universal
Well if you keep checking and worrying about it, it might be OCD.  Especially if you keep checking and checking and checking. You should talk to a counselor about this.
Avatar universal
dude your not gay. believe it or not being gay is a very very very black and white sort of thing.  ask yourself. can you ever see yourself falling in love with a man? would this feel right? can you see yourself having sex with a man? would this feel right? if you answered yes to ALL of those 4 questions then yes you are gay but otherwise you are not. i have hocd to but you just have to tell your mind to shut the **** up and just say to yourself everyday. IF I GET AROUSED BYE GIRLS I AM NOT GAY. there you go. please move on with your life. i spent 4 years dwelling on this issue when i could have been doing something else
Avatar universal
im 22 and recently I had a huge anxiety attack. It happened in an idle moment with my girlfriend. We were watching T.V. with this gay guy on it. A thought popped in my head that I could be a gay person. As soon as that happened it felt as is my heart dropped into my stomach. I had tons on anxiety and thoughts began racing. The following week has been hell. All I day I would feel anxious. I would tense up and get emotional and or frustrated. I don't like the thought of being gay. I dont like being compared to gay people. Ive always been self conscious about whether or not I came off that way, though I personally never felt I did. Since then Ive been very confused about my sexual orientation. These past two days I havent felt as much anxiety and thats when I'm feeling comfortable and well..straight. When my girlfriend and I engage in sexual activities I still get aroused strictly from her but I then question myself and if she is why i'm getting aroused. I've been worrying more because I read that if you dont have anxiety after a bit than that means you must be gay because your begining to feel comfortable. I dont feel comfortable about being gay at all. The thought is unsettling not only because of how society works but because I cannot see myself spending nights or time with a man as my spouse. That thought scares me more because as of last night I felt distant from my girl and now Im wondering if I love her and if this is real. Im so confused. Ive been with her for 6 years and its been great, ive always loved her and been extremely turned on by her but since that anxiety attack I havent been able to be me. Im straight up depressed and I have been wishing I was dead. The worst part of the day is waking up. I question myself the most then..I dont know what the **** is going on and im scared to tell anyone close because of how they may react. I did reading online to find HOCD because I really felt that I cannot be gay and that these are instrusive uncomfortable thoughts. Ive got more I could tell, Ill post this and see what anyone thinks. Please help me!
Avatar universal
You are probably not gay dude! Stop smoking pot, its making ya paranioid, trust me I know! After that then you can decide, besides if you are bi calm down and think your sea of fishes just got larger :)! And there is nothing wrong with it!
Avatar universal
I have the same feelings, as long as YOU can say IM NOT GAY you are NOT gay, you may feel you are at many points, and really believe you are gay and never knew it, I know all of this but i still to this day suffer from it, im constantly checking and wondering am i gay? freaking out cause "what if i am" But i seen if you keep checking and wondering it is most deffinatly an OCD No worries
Avatar universal
Yo, just letting you know your not alone with this issue man.  Im in the same boat.  This is a classified thing people are in the same boat as you man including myself. You wouldnt fear the idea of it but rather the hardship behind it.  Just make sure your mind is occupied doing things you enjoy and maybe get behavioral therapy from a highly qualified therapist.  Its probably a little lack of self confidence. Just realize that having to deal with this anxiety is a gift in that it makes you stronger once you overcome it. God Bless
Avatar universal
im twelve and i think i have hocd, its really horrible but i cant see a psyciatrist (sorry about the bad spelling) and im not going to tell my parents. any advice on what i can do?
Avatar universal
Just relax and don't think about it... It all sorts out by itself... Enjoy... :)
Avatar universal
i glad im not the only 1 going through this hocd ***** it started when i was 19 im 20 now when i was 19 i found out that people thought i was gay and they have been thinking that ever scince i was 15 this bugged me and even i started to think i was gay but i have never found myself attacted to a man and yet i still think im gay because of hocd but i feel relief that its hocd and i know it. im pretty sure im not gay and i keep looking up online how to tell if you're gay or in denial of being gay. ever since i was young i had obsessive thoughts
Avatar universal
I'm on the exact same boat as you wtf idk what to do I can't stop freaking out I'm going to see a psychologist and I just got some anxiety medication a few days ago a lot of the time I feel ok I have a girlfriend that I've been in love with for a year and a half and ever since this happened I freak out and I feel distant from her. I used to feel great whenever I'd read a text of something about how much she loved me and now I feel like I'm numb and it scares me. I know I'm not gay I just wanna know how you deal with it and how you are getting better I'm starting to control it slowly and slowly day by day but it gets hard when I have too much time on my hands and I sart thinking...please can anyone help me
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
You are helping yourself.  You are seeing a psychologist and you are taking medication.  Give the meds a good 4 to 6 weeks before you really see the full benefits.  You say that you are starting to control it slowly and you have to know that with time it will only get better.  Trust me, you are doing everything right and you will be fine.  
Avatar universal
But is it normal to not feel as close to my girlfriend right now? I know I love her and I know I dot wanna break up but ever since I got this hocd stuf in my head I freak out about every little thing and I question everything. When I'm with her and I kiss her I get aroused but when I'm not with her everything starts again. It makes me feel like when we finally do have sex I won't be able to and it'll freak me out more. And now that I can't feel do close to her it's freaking me out even more. I think so much idk what to do I just wanna feel normal again I just wanna be me again and have no worries or stupid thoughts or anything.
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
The thinking is what you need to get past. That whole over analyzing and what if stuff. I know you think you won't get back to where you were before but I promise that it can be done. I know this because I have been at rock bottom twice and came back with he help of CBT and meds.
Avatar universal
What are some CBT tips you can give me?
Avatar universal
An thank you for all the help and support it really helps a lot I'm done feeling sorry for myself its time to be strong and focus on all the good in my life not the negative things or feeling sorry for myself over nothing
Avatar universal
I can't take this stupid hocd thing anymore :(!!! Idk what's wring with me idk what to do I hate this I'm finally going to the doctor tomorrow but its like everything is hitting me all at once I just wanna know everything is ok I just wanna know I'm normal and other people have gone through this too please message me and help me I'm 18 years old and I'm a Virgin so I think that's why I'm freaking out more and more someone please help me :(!!
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm sorry for the delay.  I'm glad you are seeing the doctor tomorrow. Stress makes OCD worse and you are way overthinking this but when we have OCD we just can't help ourselves.  No, you are certainly not alone.  I have had HOCD before and I was married at the time...isn't that a kicker!  

Anyway, try this breathing exercise.  Lay down on our bed...no TV...no music...no distractions.  Put your hands on your stomach and take a deep breath in through your nose.  Hold it for five seconds and count this out in your head.  As you take the deep breath notice the rise of your stomach.  After the five seconds let it all out through your mouth.  As you do this feel your stomach fall.  Continue to do this breathing until you feel calmer.  It is much easier to think rationally when you are not off the hook with thoughts and anxiety.  Once you are good at this breathing, you can do it anywhere at anytime and nobody will even know you are doing it.  I use it in the car to keep away panic attacks.  I breath when I start to think too much and then I can usually avert anything bad from happening.  

Also, as a kind of therapy when I was afraid I would hurt people that I loved, I would go into a dark room..you can use your bedroom again, and picture myself for instance stabbing my husband.  When I did this exercise, I quickly realized that I would never ever do that...it just wasn't me and it wasn't something I would ever do.  I used it for HOCD as well....women are just not for me.  I'm a firm believer that whether we are gay or not is based on our genetics...we are either born gay or we are not.  I'm not a therapist so don't forget that.  I'm just someone who has had OCD and I am just giving you suggestions to try.  

You can also look for meditation videos on YouTube.  They work well at calming the mind down.  Let's face it, your mind is going 24/7 and it needs a rest.  Let me know how your therapy appointment goes.  Take care.  
Avatar universal
I went to today and I can't see the doctor till Friday so that sucked. I'm gonna try those tips you game me they sound very helpful thank you :). I have a a question when this all started did your mind ever try saying your gay no matter how hard you tried to not think about it? And did you ever feel less attracted or like you loved your significant other less during this time? Did you feel less aroused or not aroused at all and questioned whether you we're looking at someone of the same sex or something. I know I've been over thinking and it makes you have performance anxiety and everything but I wanna know it happened to other people too an it's not just me cause it makes my hocd that much worse thinking like that. If you could get back to me soon I would appreciate it thanks
Avatar universal
I know exactly what you are going through. believe me it is so horrible. you are literally convinced that you are gay, you  believe that that is what you are yet deep down you know that before all this came about, you weren't gay. you cant just 'change' sexuality like that. I have been suffering from this too (18yearsold) and it is horrific and affects everything. I have a gorgeous boyfriend who I love with all my heart yet since this all started I just don't feel as aroused and I over analyse everything and convince myself that I want a girlfriend when all my life I have wanted a boyfriend. my boyfriend is very supportive but I know that he finds it hard when im going through a bad phase with this ocd as he can tell that I lose my attraction to him. I know that I am happiest when im not over thinking and when I am with him....if I was actually a lesbian, I would hate the thought of having a boyfriend and to leave him would be great, whereas actually I would be so overwhelmed with anxiety if I did leave him- as I have tried before and hated it. my hocd comes in phases and often a trigger will cause it to just go crazy...ie watching a film with a beautiful girl and I feel myself being attracted to them....etc. but yeah i don't want to be a lesbian and I want this crazy stuff to go away, its ruining my relationship and its ruining my life. I know EXACTLY what you are going through, believe me, your brain will convince you of things you don't want it to, that's how ocd works. you've gotta tell it to *** off:) 'all will be fine in the end, and if its not fine, then its not the end' im here to talk, I know your pain:)
Avatar universal
Agreed. I'm a dude and have been dreaming about sex with girls all week. I've been having the same thoughts, hence with guys since I'm a guy, for about a month now and finally am able to force myself to ignore them. My biggest fear is the outcome of not returning to my normal self post this whole hocd s**t,.
Avatar universal
Hi, I fear I may be a sufferer of hocd? Could you help me distinguish if I am a sufferer of hocd or am in denial?

Well to start, I am 15year old male living in Ireland and I am confused about my sexual side. I have always liked girls and had crushes on girls but I had never had a crush on a man. But yes I could tell a handsome bloke to an ugly one( I'm pretty sure anyone can ).

It started about 2 months ago when I was studying for my junior certificate exams, I can't remember in detail what happened but I can remember questioning myself asking 'am I gay?' and this really bothered me because I could probably say that my biggest fear is becoming gay(non-homophobic).

I over analysed the situation looking for solutions because I didn't want to be gay and I found Homosexual OCD. I read a few forms and then I thought 'oh this seems a lot like me' and 'maybe I'm just suffereing with hocd'. So this relieved alot of stress on me for about a week but the thoughts would of still been in the back of my mind.

But because OCD feeds on fear ( what ive read not sure if entirely true ) it has gotten a lot stronger. I have a girlfriend and yes I have feelings for her, but this form of OCD makes me think I am not attracted to women anymore.  This frightens me a lot.

I always watch straight porn or lesbian and I would say straight porn would give me an erection faster then lesbian porn and I think this because there is a male involved? So this frightened me as well.

I would never like to experience 'gay sex' because I find it horrible ( non homophobic ). I just want to know if my story Sounds like I am a homosexual OCD sufferer or am I a gay male hiding in denial?

Please reply soon as I am very stressed about this.
Yours faithfully,
AdamM1734.

P.S. if I do sound like an OCD sufferer could you please suggest some things to me to get rid of all this! Thank you.
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
please see both of my posts regarding HOCD and horrific thoughts in general.  I will bump them up to the top of the forum again.  

In any case, the bottom line is for me at least I totally believe whether we are born gay or not is based in our genetics.  We either are or we are not.  If you find the thought of being with another may sexually as repulsive and not something you would ever like to do, then you are not gay and there is nothing more to ask.  OCD in general is tricky and it does seem to come on when people are at a higher stress level.  You may have had it for some time but just kind of didn't realize it and now that stress has come along, your exams, it showed up in the form of HOCD.  

As you can see from the forum, HOCD is so very common and yes it is normal to notice other people and whether they look good because that is what all people do, we compare ourselves to others to see whether we measure up so to speak.  I still do it and I'm 48.  I might notice how nice her body is and how good she looks in jeans because I want to look as good as the next 48 year old woman...doesn't mean I'm gay.  

OCD is all a mind game that we perpetuate on ourselves.  Sometimes we can get a handle on it without outside intervention by ignoring the thoughts and not giving into the fear, but other times we need the help of a psychologist and/or psychiatrist.  So if the thought doesn't go away, then you sould talk to your parents about getting some help.  

Take care.
Avatar universal
okay here's my story i dont even want to write this but i know i need help im 18 and i've always liked girls always wanted to be with them in a relationship i remember my first crush i even remember her name what she looks like im sorry if this is all the over the place this hocd or whatever it is im praying for hocd because i dont want to be gay. well i started my first job a few months ago and there's a gay man who works there aswell well i've always been scared that by talking to a gay person would turn me gay and since i was talking to him i must be turning gay and its been about a month and a half now since these thoughts started "maybe im gay" was the first thught i brushed it off at first because i have a girlfiend who i love so much and i want to marry her and have kids but i feel like that isnt right anymore because of these thoughts what is this hocd or denial? i dont want to be gay.  if you need more of my history i've been bullied so i've always had low self esteem but my mind is telling its because you were gay this whole time wtf is that and i keep going through my life to find evidence and i just keep coming on the internet to check i cant stop checking i've tried to i even told myself today i will not check but here i am. i want to my doctor  because of a chest pain but i guess he saw it as panic attacks and anxiety so he sent me to counselling and i got anxiety about the couselling but i guess it helped for a little bit but didnt stop the thoughts.
Avatar universal
i've been sexually active for about % months now i loved having sex with her but we stopped because i kept worrying about possibly being pregnant and so we stopped because of the anxiety i got from it and i know thats why we stopped but my mind is saying you stopped because you didnt like having sex with her but thats not the case and i have sex with her now but im constantly checking during it and that makes me freak out more because i shouldnt be checking during sex i have anxiety in public now i think im going to look at every guy and just "want" them like i wanted women i feel my sex drive going down and i just cant stop checking by having sex with my gf
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