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Do I have HOCD or am I just in denial that i'm homosexual?
I can't get the idea out of my head that i'm homosexual. To me it would make so much sense. I'm 15 and until now have felt like a completely heterosexual being. I guess I've had my experiences: I remember when i was about 11 me and my mate masturbated in the same room, but i was looking at a picture of a woman and him being there made it less arousing.
But since then, I've wanted only girls and I can't recall having a fantasy about any guys until this "HOCD" kicked in. But how do I know if that's what it is? What if I was always in denial about being gay. Maybe it would explain why I got so anxious and nervous about sexual activity with a girl. Maybe it would explain why I've always been a little bit more sensitve and more in touch with emotions than most blokes my age. Maybe it would explain why from such a young age (as long as i remember) I was worried about looking/acting gay. If i thought the way i spoke was gay i would make a concious effort to sound manly. If I thought I was laying in a girly way i would change the way i was laying.
I haven't mentioned this but when i was about 8 my dad told me that living in a house with three sisters and a mum and no man influence (my parents are divorced) would turn me gay. That hurt a lot and ever since then i haven't felt like a real man.
Maybe this would explain a repressed homosexuality, because i was so scared about my dad.
Although... I have had a couple of relationships, have always been aroused really easily over girls and don't recall ever looking at a guy and thinking "i wanna have sex with him" or "i wanna make out with him". I've had a girlfriend for the last 2 years and it was very serious. I honestly believe that I was in love as much as you can be at this age. We didn't have sex but when we got physical i always felt aroused.
That brings up the question.. what if i'm bisexual but i never realised it? I don't wanna be i just want to be normal.
I'll admit i look at guys with their top off and check their body out, usually admire them a lot or if i see an attractive guy i acknowledge it. i always have. does that mean i wanna get intimate with them?
I believe that the break up with my girlfriend set this obsession off, as one of the main catalysts is a traumatic end to a relationship. I have no doubt that my relationship ending was traumatic.. in fact i promised myself i would never get close to a girl again. I remember thinking "being gay would be easier than going through that again". I went out and hooked up with a couple of girls to move on from my ex but suddenly didn't want to anymore. and thats where the obsession started.
I started putting gay thoughts into my head but i couldn't get them out. they disgusted me and i was never aroused. but my mind makes me believe that because i thought about it i got aroused. It's gotten to a point where I try with everything I have to be turned on by a guy. I put sexual thoughts into my head and try to masturbate. I always stop because something doesn't feel right.
I CONSTANTLY go into gay porn and look at the pictures to see if i get an erection. I never do but in my head I am. I go onto sites about homosexuality to see if things fit in, i go to the porn i used to always watch and use that to reassure myself, and i always go to sites about hocd. Nothing ever works though.
So am I gay??? Am I just in denial and finding a way to come out?
Or have I genuinely developed HOCD?
But since then, I've wanted only girls and I can't recall having a fantasy about any guys until this "HOCD" kicked in. But how do I know if that's what it is? What if I was always in denial about being gay. Maybe it would explain why I got so anxious and nervous about sexual activity with a girl. Maybe it would explain why I've always been a little bit more sensitve and more in touch with emotions than most blokes my age. Maybe it would explain why from such a young age (as long as i remember) I was worried about looking/acting gay. If i thought the way i spoke was gay i would make a concious effort to sound manly. If I thought I was laying in a girly way i would change the way i was laying.
I haven't mentioned this but when i was about 8 my dad told me that living in a house with three sisters and a mum and no man influence (my parents are divorced) would turn me gay. That hurt a lot and ever since then i haven't felt like a real man.
Maybe this would explain a repressed homosexuality, because i was so scared about my dad.
Although... I have had a couple of relationships, have always been aroused really easily over girls and don't recall ever looking at a guy and thinking "i wanna have sex with him" or "i wanna make out with him". I've had a girlfriend for the last 2 years and it was very serious. I honestly believe that I was in love as much as you can be at this age. We didn't have sex but when we got physical i always felt aroused.
That brings up the question.. what if i'm bisexual but i never realised it? I don't wanna be i just want to be normal.
I'll admit i look at guys with their top off and check their body out, usually admire them a lot or if i see an attractive guy i acknowledge it. i always have. does that mean i wanna get intimate with them?
I believe that the break up with my girlfriend set this obsession off, as one of the main catalysts is a traumatic end to a relationship. I have no doubt that my relationship ending was traumatic.. in fact i promised myself i would never get close to a girl again. I remember thinking "being gay would be easier than going through that again". I went out and hooked up with a couple of girls to move on from my ex but suddenly didn't want to anymore. and thats where the obsession started.
I started putting gay thoughts into my head but i couldn't get them out. they disgusted me and i was never aroused. but my mind makes me believe that because i thought about it i got aroused. It's gotten to a point where I try with everything I have to be turned on by a guy. I put sexual thoughts into my head and try to masturbate. I always stop because something doesn't feel right.
I CONSTANTLY go into gay porn and look at the pictures to see if i get an erection. I never do but in my head I am. I go onto sites about homosexuality to see if things fit in, i go to the porn i used to always watch and use that to reassure myself, and i always go to sites about hocd. Nothing ever works though.
So am I gay??? Am I just in denial and finding a way to come out?
Or have I genuinely developed HOCD?
Read below...this is what you are doing to yourself
Taken from the OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD that I always recommend but nobody seems to ever buy.
Intrusive thought --> Catastrophic appraisal of the thought --> Increased anxiety and worry --> Overcontrol strategies which include Vigilence (Could I really do it? and Covert rituals (testing) --> temporary anxiety reduction --> The cycle starts over again.
"Primarily obsessional OCD begins with an intrusive, distressing thought that the person appraises in a particularly negative way. In the person's mind, the thought is experienced as having the same reality or importance as an action. As a result, the person attempts to avoid or suppress the thought. This leads to various overcontrol strategies to reduce anxiety, including mental rituals. While these strategies may reduce discomfort, the effect is only temporary, and then the cycle begins again."
Internet searches are a bad idea when you have any type of OCD because your glass is half empty right now and so you are going to key in on all the negative things you read. If HOCD wasn't real, why are so many people suffering from it? You have only to look on this forum to see that the majority of the posts are regarding HOCD.
Horrific thoughts are what we with OCD come up with. Horrific in the sense theat they are life altering because let's face it, if they were not, we wouldn't be bothered by them.
You don't have a good handle on OCD and what it can do to you and you obviously don't have a handle on how to help yourself. You need to see a counselor or at least your general practicition at this point. Second guessing, testing, all that stuff is only going to continue to make things worse. You have only to look at the progression chart I posted above to know that. AND you had a gay man chime in...what more reassurance do you need? You are stuck in this cycle and you need to get out of it now so call your doctor.
Taken from the OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD that I always recommend but nobody seems to ever buy.
Intrusive thought --> Catastrophic appraisal of the thought --> Increased anxiety and worry --> Overcontrol strategies which include Vigilence (Could I really do it? and Covert rituals (testing) --> temporary anxiety reduction --> The cycle starts over again.
"Primarily obsessional OCD begins with an intrusive, distressing thought that the person appraises in a particularly negative way. In the person's mind, the thought is experienced as having the same reality or importance as an action. As a result, the person attempts to avoid or suppress the thought. This leads to various overcontrol strategies to reduce anxiety, including mental rituals. While these strategies may reduce discomfort, the effect is only temporary, and then the cycle begins again."
Internet searches are a bad idea when you have any type of OCD because your glass is half empty right now and so you are going to key in on all the negative things you read. If HOCD wasn't real, why are so many people suffering from it? You have only to look on this forum to see that the majority of the posts are regarding HOCD.
Horrific thoughts are what we with OCD come up with. Horrific in the sense theat they are life altering because let's face it, if they were not, we wouldn't be bothered by them.
You don't have a good handle on OCD and what it can do to you and you obviously don't have a handle on how to help yourself. You need to see a counselor or at least your general practicition at this point. Second guessing, testing, all that stuff is only going to continue to make things worse. You have only to look at the progression chart I posted above to know that. AND you had a gay man chime in...what more reassurance do you need? You are stuck in this cycle and you need to get out of it now so call your doctor.
When these people say they have urges or a wanting to do something what do they mean like I dont have those all I have is a fear I'm going to find a man sexlly attractive?
I keep reading on this website called EC that HOCD does not exist? Im sorry if it doesnt then have I been living a lie?
Explain why my attraction to every single female is gone no matter how hot they are? Im forcing myself to check everyone out and get anxiety from every single guy I see but every girl I see makes me feel numb?
Here's the thing I've read so many other things that says that the majority of HOCD suffers are themselves gay and just dont want to be so badly that they've made it up?
Its defintely not helping I understand gibe it time lol but here's the thing I know how irrational this thinking is because i simply think I've turned gay because I was talking to a gay man?
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