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Avatar universal

Do i have HOCD as a young girl?

Hello, i really hope you can help me...
I am 15 years old and think i may be suffering from HOCD ever since I was really small I have had crushes on boys up until recently.
I think my HOCD started a couple of years ago when I was watching a 'coming out video' in a PSHE class.
Since then I was scared and 'am I gay?' thoughts popped into my head. I kept pushing then out until after a few months they left my head.
However they did come and go and often caused me anxiety as I really didn't want to be gay.
My HOCD came back very badly in December and I had many panic attacks because I found girls attractive.

I suddenly had many flash backs of times I thought girls were attractive in the past.
Although I was only 12 at the time I watched movies like 'American Pie' which had sexuality.
I never really understood them but always remembered my self finding the women gorgeous. I never was attracted TO them as far as I know... But remember finding them much more attractive then the guys. Whereas I only really liked 1 guy in the film.
I have always thought women were very very attractive, but when it came to being with them or having a relationship with them it did not appeal to me at all.
Since my HOCD has comeback very badly I no longer want a boyfriend as badly and I can't see my self with a man in the future.
My mind tells me I am in denial because I don't really care for guys anymore.
I defiantly don't want to be with a girl. the thought that I don't really long for guys tells me that I must be gay?
Is this true? I just don't want anything sexual or romantic anymore?
I keep thinking getting physically attracted to girls is a sign and whenever I see girl my mind tell me 'you like them' Apparantley this is false attraction?
I have to keep checking for reassurance on google and keep re-reading HOCD articles to see if I identify.
I got a massive anxiety attack when someone wrote it is possible to have HOCD and be gay...
I now look in the mirror at my body and don't recognise it and think it belongs to someone else because I don't identify with my body parts....
I'm not myself anymore and never want to go out with friends and anything to do with LGBT triggers anxiety.
I don't want any relationship right now I think I want to be be with a guy in the future but I I'm really unsure.
I now get scared girls are flirting with me or checking me out even when they're not.
Have I been in denial all this time?
I feel like it's so weird to have boobs and they're not mine or something? Does this mean I'm secretly a man?
I've spoken to my parents about this and they say it doesn't matter if I'm gay or not and to stop obsessing but I can't. Therapy is very expensive. I tried self-therapy for a few weeks but it is really hard and triggered more anxiety.
I told my friend about it and she said she suffered from HOCD for a year as well and we related  a lot. But then my brain said do you like her??
I've always found girls stunning but never in that way???
Have I always been in denial?
If you actually read all of this I can't thank you enough,
I also find male genitals really disgusting, apparently many straight girls feel this way but it makes me very anxious.
I also find women bodies very attractive. I always thought i t was in an admiring day but now i think I'm going mad!
I also feel very detached from my 'female parts', and feel like they are someone else's or that I'm attracted to them.
This is all very depressing and i no longer want to leave my house or engage socially :(
Please help thanks
2 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
Hi there....so this is my take on people who are gay...it is genetic.  I firmly believe this.  So think about this for a second....our bodies respond to people and stimuli without thinking.  Kind of like breathing.  You can't stop breathing just because you hold your breath.  When we see somebody who we are really attracted to...our bodies respond without thought.  This isn't something you can change.  No matter what your brain says, you can't change biology.  So which sex does your body respond to...BEFORE the OCD thoughts started?  If you stood up right now and said "I'm gay" would you want to run out and get a girlfriend?  If not, then you are not gay and these thoughts are OCD thoughts.  If you look on this forum, you will see that the majority of the posts are about HOCD.  Do you think all of these people with HOCD are gay?  I certainly don't.  I haven't found one yet that I thought was truly gay.  People that are truly gay, know it and they don't fight these thoughts.  I have even had a gay person be afraid they were going to turn straight!  

If you cannot afford therapy, perhaps you can get the book Overcoming  OCD by Christine Purdon.  

Also here is a link to a very good article by a gay guy with OCD....

Avatar universal
Ok so I have a 15 yr old daughter that at the age of 13-14 somewhere around there anyway she had a gf I thought on it's a stage she's going through​ she was sexually active with her I'm not sure how many others but when I first meet her gf I thought she was a boy no big deal to me either way anyways what I'm getting at is she is also now been sexually active with a guy that she told me had cummed in her we are very open with each other but I as well find my self looking at girls well women and I have been since I was a teen I have kissed a girl and played around with her but nothing ever came from it I thought I was bi and I'm not sure if I am or not I lived my husband and my fiance but I would never go down on a girl or anything like that but they have on me I believe I'm straight but I did get curious I hope I helped u out a lil
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