Hello, i really hope you can help me...
I am 15 years old and think i may be suffering from HOCD ever since I was really small I have had crushes on boys up until recently.
I think my HOCD started a couple of years ago when I was watching a 'coming out video' in a PSHE class.
Since then I was scared and 'am I gay?' thoughts popped into my head. I kept pushing then out until after a few months they left my head.
However they did come and go and often caused me anxiety as I really didn't want to be gay.
My HOCD came back very badly in December and I had many panic attacks because I found girls attractive.
I suddenly had many flash backs of times I thought girls were attractive in the past.
Although I was only 12 at the time I watched movies like 'American Pie' which had sexuality.
I never really understood them but always remembered my self finding the women gorgeous. I never was attracted TO them as far as I know... But remember finding them much more attractive then the guys. Whereas I only really liked 1 guy in the film.
I have always thought women were very very attractive, but when it came to being with them or having a relationship with them it did not appeal to me at all.
Since my HOCD has comeback very badly I no longer want a boyfriend as badly and I can't see my self with a man in the future.
My mind tells me I am in denial because I don't really care for guys anymore.
I defiantly don't want to be with a girl. the thought that I don't really long for guys tells me that I must be gay?
Is this true? I just don't want anything sexual or romantic anymore?
I keep thinking getting physically attracted to girls is a sign and whenever I see girl my mind tell me 'you like them' Apparantley this is false attraction?
I have to keep checking for reassurance on google and keep re-reading HOCD articles to see if I identify.
I got a massive anxiety attack when someone wrote it is possible to have HOCD and be gay...
I now look in the mirror at my body and don't recognise it and think it belongs to someone else because I don't identify with my body parts....
I'm not myself anymore and never want to go out with friends and anything to do with LGBT triggers anxiety.
I don't want any relationship right now I think I want to be be with a guy in the future but I I'm really unsure.
I now get scared girls are flirting with me or checking me out even when they're not.
Have I been in denial all this time?
I feel like it's so weird to have boobs and they're not mine or something? Does this mean I'm secretly a man?
I've spoken to my parents about this and they say it doesn't matter if I'm gay or not and to stop obsessing but I can't. Therapy is very expensive. I tried self-therapy for a few weeks but it is really hard and triggered more anxiety.
I told my friend about it and she said she suffered from HOCD for a year as well and we related a lot. But then my brain said do you like her??
I've always found girls stunning but never in that way???
Have I always been in denial?
If you actually read all of this I can't thank you enough,
I also find male genitals really disgusting, apparently many straight girls feel this way but it makes me very anxious.
I also find women bodies very attractive. I always thought i t was in an admiring day but now i think I'm going mad!
I also feel very detached from my 'female parts', and feel like they are someone else's or that I'm attracted to them.
This is all very depressing and i no longer want to leave my house or engage socially :(
Please help thanks