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Does this sound like HOCD ?

Hi guys.
I'm a 19 year old male, currently in my1st year of studies at varsity. I've always been sexually attracted to women and for as long as I can remember have always been turned on by females. I had never gotten into a serious intimate relationship up until this year when i started at varsity. During high school I had a few random hook ups but it never really went further than a bit of touching. Halfway through last year I started to question my sexuality a bit. I guess that the thought of being able to tell whether a guy was good looking or not really freaked me out! I got over it quite quickly though, I guess I just kinda took it as a natural part of growing up. When I got into this relationship this year things got really intense really fast. I had gone from having very little sexual activity in my whole life to a lot of it very quickly. Around about the time me and my girlfriend first started having sex I realized that sometimes I would get very nervous or anxious, maybe even a little scared, around her and this worried me to death. I began to question everything, especially my sexuality. It got to the point where I was obsessing over it and I started to force myself to think things I really didn't want to and became very unhappy with myself. I was unhappy with myself even though I knew I had everything a person could want, a supportive family, good friends, an amazing and beautiful girlfriend and I was living the student life. So on top of being unhappy I was unhappy with myself for being unhappy. Anyways I went through a couple of really rough months and eventually stumbled across the whole "fear of intimacy" thing which I realized was probably the source of my nerves when being intimate with my girl. Things got better once I confessed all of this to my loved ones and the nerves are now gone, however I can't stop obsessing over my sexuality now. I had spent so much time and energy questioning everything and now I really just cant get my mind back to the point where I'm no longer obsessing about my sexuality and questioning myself. I recently have been reading about HOCD and a lot of it applies to me I think. Sometimes sexual thoughts about men pop into my mind however they do not feel like fantasies, are not sexually arousing and just feel really intrusive. I also relate to what one article said about how when questioning yourself you start to look back on events in the past and see things in a completely different and worrying way, even though there was no problem there at all. One of the big issues I was also struggling with was the thought that if I was gay I would have to break up with my girlfriend. I thought these obsessive and questioning thoughts MUST mean I'm gay even though I'm having regular sex with my girlfriend who tuns me on a lot. As an example last Friday I went to her place to visit, we relaxed and talked and had sex and at the time it was amazing and I was happy, however a little while after I left the insecurities came back to me and I felt awful again. A couple other symptoms of OCD seem to apply to me. For a long time I've had obsessive thoughts such as hearing words and then in my head spelling them out on the keypad of a mobile phone. I've also had intrusive sexual and sometimes a little violent thoughts for a long time, however I never made anything of them and just went on with my life. I must confess that I was exposed to and began watching pornography at a very young age and I believe this might be where the intimacy issues come from. I have really gotten to the point where I am sick of worrying and just want to be comfortable with myself again but I need to understand what the problem is here. Do you think this is a case of HOCD which just got really really out of hand because I was dealing with the intimacy issues as well as getting into a sexual relationship so fast? Or do you think there could be something else that's the matter?
1 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome to the OCD forum.

First let me say that we are not doctors on here.  Just people that suffer from all manner of OCD compulsions and obsessions.  

To be certrain whether you have OCD you would need to be diagnosed by a psychologist.  Not sure how your health system works in South Africa.  Can you get easy access to a psychologist?  

Now just my own personal opinion about being gay.  Most gay people realize it early on in life that they are gay.  I believe it is genetic, and that you are either born this way or not.  Sometimes you can have the genes that make you attracted to both sexes.  I don't think you wake up one day and suddenly become gay.  

What does happen with OCD is the whole "what-if" thing.  You notice a guy and think wow he's good looking (all very natural to compare ourselves to others) and then that thought just gets in our minds and runs amok.  I call OCD OMG for all the Oh My God moments that we have and also for Obsessive Mind Game.  We basically torture ourselves by overanalyzing, ruminating, checking.  It just becomes an endless cycle unless you have the proper tools to get yourself out of it.  

So personally I don't think you are gay.  Intimacy issues...well maybe you did move a bit too fast and that is scary.  You just started your studies at varsity and I'm sure there is some stress associated with this.  Stress makes an OCD person's symptoms become elevated.  Things that you may have been able to dismiss before become an issue when stress is involved.  

So if you can get into see a psychologist, that is your best bet.  They can diagnose you and help you with coping strategies.  You are worried you are going to lose the life you have, one that you enjoy, and that is why this thought is staying around.  Worry, worry, worry.  I wish we could just turn it off.  Incidentally, I thought I was gay at one time too and I was married!  I was all over the map as far as irrational thinking goes.  

Also, if you can get the book The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of Obsessive Compulsive Behavior, I think you would find it useful.  

IMO, I don't think you are gay.  Just somebody who needs to get a handle on your potential OCD.

Take care.
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