Aa
I can't do anthing I enjoy or care about.
I am a 17 year old boy, and I have lived with severe OCD for about 7 years now. Looking back at these years now, it feels like I've been living in hell, and I've made my mum's life very very difficult too. I am very dependant on her to constantly validate my choices etc. My OCD has surfaced in many different and incredibly painful ways, which would take a long time to explain, but more recently I have had one difficulty in particular that is making life a horrific chore each and every day. I recently got a job as a kitchen porter at a local pub, and it really relaxed me and allowed me to enjoy life more (probably due to being too worn out from hard work to overthink anything), but then over the last few weeks all of that has changed. All I want to do when I get home is play on my new Xbox, watch a good film or read a fantastic new book I found. However, my OCD does not allow me to do this. It manipulates my mind into thinking I've put the disc in the trey wrong, blinked too many times in the opening title of the movie, or not read an important passage from my book thoroughly enough at a critical moment of the story. Everything else is horrendous enough, but at this moment I am solely distressed about the Xbox and book situations. The Xbox cost me pretty much everything I've earned since I got my job, and I cannot play it as I had a few uneven hairs on my newly shaven head, and therefore could not enjoy the opening of the box, and therefore was filled with regret when I started playing a game, and therefore could no longer play it. £250, it cost me. And now whenever I try to play it, I completely freak out and have a horrible physically painful pit in my stomach. My book, which I was thoroughly enjoying, now has a horrible tainted feeling about it because I did not read a sentence properly and now cannot go any further without constantly thinking about that moment. And then even though I can completely see that what I am fretting over is ridiculous, and has no logical reasoning to it, that does not help in the slightest. It's self-perpetuating. ie: I can't read it any more because I can't read it any more. Also, these things are so much worse on my days off work, as my mind has more energy and is free to be as conflicted as possible. I am so so so so so so uncomfortable in my life. EVERYTHING I do I second guess. I obsess over how other people can enjoy the things I can't. And the worst thing is, even if I completely saw the error of my ways and felt way better about the individual things, that day is still tainted to me. As soon as I have a thought it becomes a physical object to me, blocking me from doing anything I like, anything that will give me some distance from everything else I have to freak out about every day. And then when I think of those good, positive things, they feel negative and bitter. I actually have to sing to myself very loudly sometimes to try and block out negative thoughts, because once I have thought them, that it for the day, that's it for anything I'm doing, that's it for contentedness for the near future, until I've struggled to explain these thoughts to my mum and we talk it out, because once they're there, they're there. I am literally in a prison inside my head. I am surrounded by wonderful people and the most loving family possible, and all of these luxuries and great things, and I can't enjoy any of them. I know everything I've described worrying about sounds totally trivial, and it is, and I know that, but nevertheless they are what my OCD has targeted and is using to try and destroy me from the inside. All I want is some relaxatiom and relief from the pain I'm always feeling, but my mind does not allow that. If anyone has anything that they think could help, I would be overjoyed to hear it. Thank you very much for reading. X
I can totally understand where you are coming from. The thoughts we have are irrational and we know this, but we cant stop them. I too start my day thinking, what will be the catastrophy today... and each and every day it is something new. I obesess over germs, over chemicals, over the wellbeing of my cat, that I will personally do something to harm others around me unintentionally of course, the list goes on.
There has not been a single day in the past 2 - 3 weeks where I have not obessesed about something all day, at work, at home, while trying to sleep. It totally takes over your life, and from the sounds of it that is what you are going through.
I wish I could just say some magic phrase that would make it all go away for you. I will say that you should try breathing. When you want to play your Xbox and just escape from the world, take a deep breathe. Exhale slowly and tell yourself that you are going to play and enjoy it. Take the extra time to put the disc in, and breathe. You deserve some downtime, you deserve a small break from your unwanted thoughts. Breathe. It is easier said than done and it is not a miracle cure, just a small suggestion to try to help you.
In the long run the only real way to beat this is to understand it. Medication can help you, but you also need to understand what you are dealing with. I have learned this forum is great.
Talk to your Dr, and talk to your mum who seems like a wonderful woman. My husband tries everything he can for me, but he does grow frustrated becuase there is nothing he can do and constantly backig up my decsions is exhausting for him. You need help and I am sure that your mum will agree and will back you up. You are lucky. You say you hace a loving family, use that as your support system as we try to get this under control.
OCD is a part of us, but it doesn't have to rule us.
There has not been a single day in the past 2 - 3 weeks where I have not obessesed about something all day, at work, at home, while trying to sleep. It totally takes over your life, and from the sounds of it that is what you are going through.
I wish I could just say some magic phrase that would make it all go away for you. I will say that you should try breathing. When you want to play your Xbox and just escape from the world, take a deep breathe. Exhale slowly and tell yourself that you are going to play and enjoy it. Take the extra time to put the disc in, and breathe. You deserve some downtime, you deserve a small break from your unwanted thoughts. Breathe. It is easier said than done and it is not a miracle cure, just a small suggestion to try to help you.
In the long run the only real way to beat this is to understand it. Medication can help you, but you also need to understand what you are dealing with. I have learned this forum is great.
Talk to your Dr, and talk to your mum who seems like a wonderful woman. My husband tries everything he can for me, but he does grow frustrated becuase there is nothing he can do and constantly backig up my decsions is exhausting for him. You need help and I am sure that your mum will agree and will back you up. You are lucky. You say you hace a loving family, use that as your support system as we try to get this under control.
OCD is a part of us, but it doesn't have to rule us.
Okay, allergy headache behind me...for now :)
So for starters, you said you have had OCD for 7 years or so. Did you get formally diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist? Also, if you did, have you ever learned cognitive behavioral therapy or taken medication for it? Are you currently on medication for OCD? I am going to assume not until you tell me otherwise.
Now to get to the heart of the matter. Doubt...that is your middle name. You doubt your choices therefore you need your mom's validation. You doubt that you spent your money wisely because you feel you cannot get enjoyment out of your Xbox. Probably because you spent so much on it, you are afraid of breaking it and thus obsessing about how you put the disc in. This is causing distress and reget in your life.
In addition to that you have a concentration problem. Not just that you are obsessed that you may have missed something critical in a movie or a book but more than likely an inability to simply pay attention to what you are doing. So yet again, another question...Have you ever been diagnosed with ADD?
I have diagnosed OCD, full of doubt, full of forward thinking and I am the queen of catastrophizing everything. I also have undiagnosed ADD. There is never a moment when there isn't some sort of dialog going on in my head. There are never quiet moments really. If I'm not talking to myself, then I'm living in a fantasy state. For me, this is my ADD. In college I used to try to read a chapter of my textbook and after I read a page I would think "what the hell did I just read? Was I even paying attention?" Then I would have to start all over again and try really hard to pay attention. For you this is then fueling into your OCD. You are taking the inattention and making it an obsession and off with the irrational thoughts you go.
You need to get a handle on this now because while your mom seems to be really understanding and I'm sure does everything she can to help you, you are not always going to be living with her and so you need to learn how to deal with OCD on your own. And trust me, there is a life out there for you, a normal life, even with OCD and possibly ADD. I know, because I'm living that normal life. Years ago I went through cognitive behavioral therapy and I took medication. For a number of years I was able to manage but about 2 years ago I had to go back on the medication. It makes the world of difference for me. I can let these thoughts go. I fall back on my CBT controlled breathing if I have a panic attack. I know now how to deal with these things and that is what you need to learn to do.
These irrational thoughts you have, you know they are irrational and stupid, yet you can't stop yourself from going to the dark side because you don't have the necessary tools it seems to help yourself.
Since you used the word "mum" I am assuming you are overseas in Europe. I know that with socialized medicine it is a bit harder to get a psychological consult. Going on the assumption that you are not seeing anybody. What you need to do is get on the list for that. Get your GP to put you on that list.
In the mean time try to get the following books, The OCD Workbook: A Guide to breaking free of Obsessive Compulsive Behavior. Also there is a book called The ADHD Answer Book by Susan Ashley. I'm not saying you have ADD/ADHD but merely wondering from what you said. I am not qualified to diagonse people on here. So if you do see a psychologist, it is a good idea to ask them about that possibility too.
As far as singing out loud to drown out the negative thoughts...yes that is one way to do it. You could also try to imagine a red handle and imagine yourself pulling it and saying STOP in your head. Also, it may help you to keep a journal where you write down your negative thoughts and then replace them with positive ones.
Unfortuantely our minds are playing games with us and the more we give into the irrational thinking the more it stays around. You need to learn how to say ENOUGH and let it go. And you will, with the right help.
Let me know if you need anything else. Take care. I have a son your age and I would hate to see him go through this. You sound like you have a wonderful close family.
So for starters, you said you have had OCD for 7 years or so. Did you get formally diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist? Also, if you did, have you ever learned cognitive behavioral therapy or taken medication for it? Are you currently on medication for OCD? I am going to assume not until you tell me otherwise.
Now to get to the heart of the matter. Doubt...that is your middle name. You doubt your choices therefore you need your mom's validation. You doubt that you spent your money wisely because you feel you cannot get enjoyment out of your Xbox. Probably because you spent so much on it, you are afraid of breaking it and thus obsessing about how you put the disc in. This is causing distress and reget in your life.
In addition to that you have a concentration problem. Not just that you are obsessed that you may have missed something critical in a movie or a book but more than likely an inability to simply pay attention to what you are doing. So yet again, another question...Have you ever been diagnosed with ADD?
I have diagnosed OCD, full of doubt, full of forward thinking and I am the queen of catastrophizing everything. I also have undiagnosed ADD. There is never a moment when there isn't some sort of dialog going on in my head. There are never quiet moments really. If I'm not talking to myself, then I'm living in a fantasy state. For me, this is my ADD. In college I used to try to read a chapter of my textbook and after I read a page I would think "what the hell did I just read? Was I even paying attention?" Then I would have to start all over again and try really hard to pay attention. For you this is then fueling into your OCD. You are taking the inattention and making it an obsession and off with the irrational thoughts you go.
You need to get a handle on this now because while your mom seems to be really understanding and I'm sure does everything she can to help you, you are not always going to be living with her and so you need to learn how to deal with OCD on your own. And trust me, there is a life out there for you, a normal life, even with OCD and possibly ADD. I know, because I'm living that normal life. Years ago I went through cognitive behavioral therapy and I took medication. For a number of years I was able to manage but about 2 years ago I had to go back on the medication. It makes the world of difference for me. I can let these thoughts go. I fall back on my CBT controlled breathing if I have a panic attack. I know now how to deal with these things and that is what you need to learn to do.
These irrational thoughts you have, you know they are irrational and stupid, yet you can't stop yourself from going to the dark side because you don't have the necessary tools it seems to help yourself.
Since you used the word "mum" I am assuming you are overseas in Europe. I know that with socialized medicine it is a bit harder to get a psychological consult. Going on the assumption that you are not seeing anybody. What you need to do is get on the list for that. Get your GP to put you on that list.
In the mean time try to get the following books, The OCD Workbook: A Guide to breaking free of Obsessive Compulsive Behavior. Also there is a book called The ADHD Answer Book by Susan Ashley. I'm not saying you have ADD/ADHD but merely wondering from what you said. I am not qualified to diagonse people on here. So if you do see a psychologist, it is a good idea to ask them about that possibility too.
As far as singing out loud to drown out the negative thoughts...yes that is one way to do it. You could also try to imagine a red handle and imagine yourself pulling it and saying STOP in your head. Also, it may help you to keep a journal where you write down your negative thoughts and then replace them with positive ones.
Unfortuantely our minds are playing games with us and the more we give into the irrational thinking the more it stays around. You need to learn how to say ENOUGH and let it go. And you will, with the right help.
Let me know if you need anything else. Take care. I have a son your age and I would hate to see him go through this. You sound like you have a wonderful close family.
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