Hi, this is the first time I've asked a question on anything like this, but this is affecting me again and need some advice.
In 2005, I went out with a group of friends after our last day of college. Needless to say i got very drunk. I have memories of dancing around that night and even remember being in a restaurant at the end of the night with everyone. The next morning I woke and felt very hungover. my partner was on her way round to my house as she was back from Uni and we were going to spend the day together. My college had created a book of graduates and I wanted to show my partner my page but as I flicked thru i passed a page of a girl in my class who was out that night and all of a sudden I had a fear that i kissed her that night. this fear got stronger and I even emailed this girls asking if anything happened and also a couple of other people who were there that night. I was told by all that nothing had happened. The feeling went away after a bit and seemed to stay away for a few weeks, but then it came back and never went away. After a few more weeks I told my partner and pretty much confessed to it happening. My partner was very good and said that i was forgiven, and then said something like "it's not like you slept with her!" Then my mind went mad and took this and started telling me that what if I did have sex with someone in the club in the toilets! This is the fear that then took control and made me feel even worse than if I had just kissed someone! It even got to the point where I was convincing myself it DID happen. This all happened so long ago now and I did actually get passed this and brush it off as ridiculous as I know that this could not have happened as I would simply remember something like this happening whilst it was happening. I couldn't understand how after about two months I was starting to fear I had actually had sex with someone!
Over a few years the feeling subsided and went away and I had since married my partner and now have two kids with her. During that time I had counselling and help with OCD as I have a history of rituals and obsessive thoughts since I was about 13. Thoughts such as family members dying if I didn't turn a light off a certain amount of time. Also, thinking of someones name/age/even initial whilst getting into bed would make me think something bad was going to happen to them so i would end up leaving my foot on the floor whilst trying to go to sleep. Plus numerous other things. Now, over ten years later, the feeling of cheating has come back and massively plaguing me again. I do go thru boughts of being able to ignore it, but I can't fully quash the feeling and have even got close to saying to my wife that something did happen that night.
Please can someone help with some advice as right now the only possible relief from this would be to watch a video replay of everything that happened that night, which is impossible, or simply confess to my partner something happened, which i don't want to do as I don't want to make her upset if there is no need to!