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HIV OCD

Hi all, i have immense fear of contracting hiv even with protected sex with a partner that has tested. I'm heterosexual female in my late 20s. Im struggling with enjoying a sex life before I get old and "expired". I take all precautions but still feel antsy. Luckily I have an understanding partner (not bf as i'm not into relationships) my ocd started again when we tried having sex and after several attempts to penetrate we were unsuccessful. We also had protected humping and protected oral. He just removed and threw the condom away into the toiletbowl and flushed it away without letting me check. I was agitated by this but he assured me repeatedly almost on a daily basis that the condom didnt break. And he said if the condom broke or slipped off entirely it would be noticeable. Now im thinking all sorts. Did the condom slip and me not notice at all (which is impossible) and hiv community peeps told me as long his business end covered there is no risk. So meaning it would have to slip entirely and that would be noticeable too. Which leaves me to " why am I worrying when I got all my bases covered?" I dont want to give into my compulsions and test. I easily spend almost $1000 just on testing even after protected sex or protected oral/mutual masturbation. Will be greatly appreciated if tips can be provided to overcome this. I cannot go on like these in my best years of my life. Thank you very much.  
2 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think it is safe to say that you have HIV anxiety and you need to seek professional help.  Spend that $1000 on a good psychologist that teaches you how to let these thoughts go.  Is that possible where you live?  
1 Comments
Hi JGF, its possible but rather pricey and I don't know if the psychologists here are trained to handle that. Would a counsellor be more apt? Im defo against CBT.
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy which are techniques that teach you how to deal with the thoughts when you have them.  You may be able to find a counselor that can teach you the techniques.  Honestly, CBT is the first and best place to start to learn to deal with the thoughts.  You can try some books as well.  

Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD by Christine Purdon

Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani

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