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HIV anxiety
Let me start off by saying, I'm a 24 year old heterosexual female with very severe OCD and anxiety issues and being raised a child in the 90's when HIV was fairly new to the world, they scared the hell out of us with it in school to the point its actually traumatized me.
My phobia showed up when i was about 17 and as i get older it seems to get worse. As anyone with OCD or a phobia knows, the best way to get rid of it is to face it head on and for the past year thats what i've been trying to do. I've even become a volunteer for my local Aids project and done HIV/AIDS walks to help those who are living with this condition and to show my support, learning everything i can about HIV to lessen the fear. You'd think i'd be doing well right? WRONG
On to my situation:
I'm in dire need of some help here. Several people have told me I'm absolutely crazy, and maybe they're right but I need some real help from people who know what they're talking about.
On May 20th, I attended an AIDS walk thinking this would help my anxieties and to help raise awareness like usual.
while i was there, i noticed they had a testing tent set up where you could get tested for HIV via a rapid test. I had never taken a rapid test before, all my tests had been done the traditional way. I walked up to the tent and was checking it out and an african american man comes up to me and says "are you thinking about getting tested today" i say "yeah" and he leads me into the tent and into a closed off area, closes the curtain behind us, and we sit down while he gets ready. I wasent real sure what to expect so i just sat there kinda nervous. I watched him put on his gloves, clean my finger with a little alcohol pad and
I see him getting supplies out of plastic bags behind him but cant see what he's doing.
he pulls out a unigold test, a suction straw, and two lancets (none of this was packaged together and i didnt see him remove the caps from either lancet)
he looks at one of the lancets odd while holding the other in his hand, sets it on the table, and uses the one in his hand on me. He does the test, its negative, drops the lancet he used on me in a small plastic bucket with others, I ask if i can keep my test since i'd never taken one like that before and he replies "I'd let you have it if i could but its considered bio hazard material and i have to throw it away" and he sends me on my way.
After i think about this, it starts to really freak me out and i get these thoughts running through my head:
"What if the needle wasent clean?"
"What if he was prejudice and intentionally hurt me with a dirty one?"
"What if the needles weren't the ones he was issued, he'd brought in others and they were hollow bore and not sterile"
"He could have made those and used them on me"
"would he take advantage of the fact I said i've never taken a rapid test to infect me"
After a while it ate at me and ate at me and ate at me, to the point my fear had gotten so bad i was vomiting daily from bad nerves thinking i was infected from someone who was suppose to help prevent HIV.
I called the Aids project who put on the walk and asked them about the lancets (before this incident i had no idea what a lancet even was) and they told me all their lancets were single use and i had nothing to worry about. Still. I cant let it go. I found out the man that tested me works with homosexual and bisexual men and again it went through my head that maybe he could have been prejudice against me for being a heterosexual white woman and would have the intent to hurt me.
To this day, im still losing sleep over it, i still cant eat properly and i've been tested 3 times (the last at 38 days prior incident)
My questions are:
-How likely are my chances of contracting anything this way?
-Would anything show up on my antibody tests being a fully healthy person at 38 days?
-Should I let this go?
I'm on new medication for OCD and anxiety but this particular incident just wont go away.
What should i do?!
My phobia showed up when i was about 17 and as i get older it seems to get worse. As anyone with OCD or a phobia knows, the best way to get rid of it is to face it head on and for the past year thats what i've been trying to do. I've even become a volunteer for my local Aids project and done HIV/AIDS walks to help those who are living with this condition and to show my support, learning everything i can about HIV to lessen the fear. You'd think i'd be doing well right? WRONG
On to my situation:
I'm in dire need of some help here. Several people have told me I'm absolutely crazy, and maybe they're right but I need some real help from people who know what they're talking about.
On May 20th, I attended an AIDS walk thinking this would help my anxieties and to help raise awareness like usual.
while i was there, i noticed they had a testing tent set up where you could get tested for HIV via a rapid test. I had never taken a rapid test before, all my tests had been done the traditional way. I walked up to the tent and was checking it out and an african american man comes up to me and says "are you thinking about getting tested today" i say "yeah" and he leads me into the tent and into a closed off area, closes the curtain behind us, and we sit down while he gets ready. I wasent real sure what to expect so i just sat there kinda nervous. I watched him put on his gloves, clean my finger with a little alcohol pad and
I see him getting supplies out of plastic bags behind him but cant see what he's doing.
he pulls out a unigold test, a suction straw, and two lancets (none of this was packaged together and i didnt see him remove the caps from either lancet)
he looks at one of the lancets odd while holding the other in his hand, sets it on the table, and uses the one in his hand on me. He does the test, its negative, drops the lancet he used on me in a small plastic bucket with others, I ask if i can keep my test since i'd never taken one like that before and he replies "I'd let you have it if i could but its considered bio hazard material and i have to throw it away" and he sends me on my way.
After i think about this, it starts to really freak me out and i get these thoughts running through my head:
"What if the needle wasent clean?"
"What if he was prejudice and intentionally hurt me with a dirty one?"
"What if the needles weren't the ones he was issued, he'd brought in others and they were hollow bore and not sterile"
"He could have made those and used them on me"
"would he take advantage of the fact I said i've never taken a rapid test to infect me"
After a while it ate at me and ate at me and ate at me, to the point my fear had gotten so bad i was vomiting daily from bad nerves thinking i was infected from someone who was suppose to help prevent HIV.
I called the Aids project who put on the walk and asked them about the lancets (before this incident i had no idea what a lancet even was) and they told me all their lancets were single use and i had nothing to worry about. Still. I cant let it go. I found out the man that tested me works with homosexual and bisexual men and again it went through my head that maybe he could have been prejudice against me for being a heterosexual white woman and would have the intent to hurt me.
To this day, im still losing sleep over it, i still cant eat properly and i've been tested 3 times (the last at 38 days prior incident)
My questions are:
-How likely are my chances of contracting anything this way?
-Would anything show up on my antibody tests being a fully healthy person at 38 days?
-Should I let this go?
I'm on new medication for OCD and anxiety but this particular incident just wont go away.
What should i do?!
You are trying to get closure on this one little part of OCD that you have. The key is to treat the OCD and the rest will follow. If you have only been taking the medication for a short time, then you may not be seeing the benefits. Give it at least 4 weeks before you decide it isn't helping you. And I agree with Nursegirl....this is the time to take care of yourself and get yourself back together and then you can move on to helping others in need.
What unfortunately happens is that we, in an effort to get some kind of closure to the desperation we are feeling, will do anything to get to that point. I know you didn't mean to make these people mad but you have to understand that they are living with it...you are not...you never will unless you really put yourself at risk. So if you look at it from their perspective, then you can see where they are coming from. They don't understand what it is like to live with OCD and we don't understand what it is like to live with HIV. We could try our level best to explain it, but unless you are actually living with either one of these disorders/diseases it is pretty much impossible to explain.
So concentrate on yourself right now. You are in no danger of having HIV and so you need to work on getting the OCD under control.
Take care.
What unfortunately happens is that we, in an effort to get some kind of closure to the desperation we are feeling, will do anything to get to that point. I know you didn't mean to make these people mad but you have to understand that they are living with it...you are not...you never will unless you really put yourself at risk. So if you look at it from their perspective, then you can see where they are coming from. They don't understand what it is like to live with OCD and we don't understand what it is like to live with HIV. We could try our level best to explain it, but unless you are actually living with either one of these disorders/diseases it is pretty much impossible to explain.
So concentrate on yourself right now. You are in no danger of having HIV and so you need to work on getting the OCD under control.
Take care.
agreed dude. It just blows me away people can be so hateful for no reason at all.
You never had a risk being tested so I wouldn't worry about that but please don't waste your time with people who are angry with the world because of their own mistakes.They even have the nerve to take it out on people that want to help them,like I said I have HIV+ friends and even they have said many times that there are alot of HIV+ people around who don't appreciate anything others do for them and infact start turning on the very people that want to help them--you know what I say--forget them.
Believe me, after the people i've delt with I dont want anything to do with it anymore. I mean its seriously been ridiculous.
The only thing i'm worried about now is my possible exposure.
everyones told me i have nothing to worry about, its not possible, they were there to test you not infect you, etc
i just cant let it go.
The only thing i'm worried about now is my possible exposure.
everyones told me i have nothing to worry about, its not possible, they were there to test you not infect you, etc
i just cant let it go.
Don't blame yourself,alot of people who have HIV are angry with the world and their attitude is less than humble,they think people owe them something and have to feel sorry for them,there are worse diseases than HIV and more common yet these people humble and happy when people assist them in some way like cancer patients,etc.There are also people with HIV who enjoy spreading the virus to as many people as they can and we have seen this from both infected men and women in the media.If they are not going to appreciate your help and genuine care then forget them,they did it to themselves.I have HIV+ friends so I know they are not all like that but there have been some infected people that are so selfish and expect the world to stop just for them--if you want to help maybe help the infected children,they are innocent and never asked for this disease.I think that would help yur OCD but don't waste your time with people who are just selfish and rude.
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