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HOCD? BI? GAY? HELP

hi im mark im 16 and i think i maybe gay or bi or have some ocd or something. ok lets start, ive liked girls since i was 3 at least i know definitely by the time i was 5 cuz i had a crush on this girl in kindergarten. i think i may have ocd because i have a history with anxiety. in the 4th grade i started pulling my hair a lot just because i couldnt stop it was fun really. in the 6th grade(2008) i found about 2012 threw the history channel and i was worried about that quite a bit not too much to bother my life just a little. i was pretty done with fears and phobia and obssesions and all that stuff until the 9th grade when i watching the OWN channel about a little that had schizophrenia and started to think i had it too. during that same school year i also started to think i had tapeworms which caused me to become a vegetarian which i still am today.the schizophrenia fear pretty much killed my whole summer of 2012, it was all i thought about plus my parents where going threw stuff so that was a hard summer. then in the 10th grade( im in 11th now) i started being homeschooled by my choice which was a huge mistake. i draw its what i wanna do for a career someday so i started talking to a artist that works in the animation industry over gmail chat and we  would chat all the time about different things. one day i asked him " why is your blog called devil in my head?" which he explained and i dont feel like going into detail about that. then he started telling about all this spiritual stuff like astral projection and what not that night i was terrified to sleep cuz i thought i might astral projection. around the same time i found about slenderman the internet meme and i thought it was real so i didnt sleep for 3 three days cuz i thought slenderman was gonna come for me. he told me about different secret societies like the illumanti or whatever and i started to get scared i thought they were watching me. i didnt be in the animation industry anymore cuz ive heard they're in that too and i didnt want to be a part of it at all. i started to worry and wonder if god was real or not so i would spend hours researching on the subject. i also started to think i was reincarnated i felt like **** i thought my parents reallly my parents and im not really me. keep in mind i was depressed and in isolation threw all this because im homeschooled i dont get out much if at all. while i going threw all this i meet this girl at one my friends house who at first i didnt really like and thought was kinda annoying to be honest but she grew on me. this was back in by the way before i started questioning my sexuality. she would touch me and i would get a boner instantly no problem, she was the first who i felt like i loved. like i would have married her really. then in late april about 25 i think i found some horrible news. i was talking with a friend of mine on facebook and i said( ill change her name to protect her identity) "its weird how we all like jane" he then said " i dont really like her i just play around with her" after that he said "you she has a boyfriend right?" and i was like "what no you have to be kidding me why would she do all this stuff with me then?" my whole was broken i was finally happy with my life again. i had friends who i cared about and i girl i loved but i guess not. my whole body was trembling when he started telling me about it. i felt lied to i thought she cared i was so hurt. then after that in sometime in may i started watching gay porn for whatever reason. i liked it but i wasn't sure if i was straight watching it. then has happened to me three times i think no i think it was two anyway. one day in the summer i think it was 2012 girls just didn't look attractive for some reason so downloaded a bunch of pictures of this female celebrity i liked to see if  still liked girls it didn't work but so i stopped worrying about it and i was back to normal after after that. in November i was looking for pictures to draw and found this one pic of two male cartoon characters sucking ****, these characters where animals and the pic wasn't  that sexual but i still thought i still thought i was gay because of it. anyway i found about hocd may of this year ans started to do research on it and it seemed to fit. i worried about this the whole summer of this year and i haven't stopped yet. i keep looking to my past to see if i didn't anything gay. if i looked a guy in a sexual or secretly liked a friend, how i felt while watching porn. so may questions that never got answered. then in august 28 i joined a lgbtq forum to see if i was really gay or not. i massaged people all the time on there and started to think i was really gay or at least bi. i didn't  turned on by the thought of gay sex until i joined that forum. those types of thoughts weren't even in my head back then. i has since been banned from that forum i guess cuz i messaging  so many people all the time. i got on another ocd forum recently and posted there. a bisexual man man was helping in the forum then he messaged me about all things we would if he met me. when i read it i was like "the ****?" i didn't even finish it. then i read it again and i kinda liked it i guess so i went to jacked off so some gay porn and felt nothing. nothing good nothing bad just nothing. everytime i jacked off now i feel nothing really. i used to feel gross now its nothing.recently i have been sexting a female friend of mine about stuff and she sent me things which i like a lot. my heart started beating outta my chest based on what i saw and read. im getting closer to the end of my rope and really need help any help from anyone. can anyone help me?
2 Responses
Avatar universal
ok so i just watched some gay and before i came my chest got tight and when i came i let out this heavy breath. it was like i was trying to breath but couldnt. was it a panic attack or did i like it?
Avatar universal
Hi there , first of all you're not gay so don't watch gay porn, it only makes things worse. I know this because I've had HOCD for years and I did all of the things you're doing. stop checking to test yourself, you know you're not gey so you really don't even need to think about sexuality , try to just live your life without thinking about anything to do with sexuality, i dont mean sex mind you, but dont think about what kind of person you want for sex because you already know! I know this sounds impossible, but please try it and see how it works for you. concentrate on the more important things in life:)
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