HOCD DEEP DEPRESSION

[Bob694]

Im 20, I use this site to guide me through this problem, but I keep thinking that maybe I am just gay. As a kid i was introduced to porn at a young age and always wanted to be with a girl since a kid never thought about guys or that kinda stuff, when I used porn I would use it alot, start small but eventually get to 3-4 times a week of heterosexual porn and eventually I would get bored of that and I did tranny but more gay porn. I tried it once and was repulsed but something made me do it again cuz it was "out of the box" which turned me on. I dont like the kissing part or the body of a man I just like the anal part or the picture of a ****. Everytime I finished to gay porn I would feel depressed and ashamed of myself, I just did it over and over because it felt so good. In real life, I have had numerous occassions with girls and they all went relatively well, I had a girlfriend always got hard for her and stuff but never really ejaculated with a girl because it took so long and she would give up. I would still stay hard but I could never climax this started to freak me out. She didnt like oral so all I got was a handjob and it wasnt that great so that could be part of it but we tried sex and I was so excited got rock hard but I couldnt fit it in because she was tight and when I went to try it again I was soft and it wouldnt go back up, I tried to get it up again that day but it just wouldnt happen. I started to get thoughts that were telling me that I was gay, I would freak out start crying in my sleep just get terrified. I stopped looking at gay porn for a while because I thought that was my issue so I would only look at heterosexual porn, I could still finish but not as fast and it would take me longer to get aroused. I then found this site and am proud to say I have stopped looking at porn and masturbation for 13 days, its extremely difficult. I have these days where im super horny and all I picture is gay porn or a ****, is this supposed to be happening? I still get hard from thinking about girls but occasionally in this reboot process, I usually just get a little wiggle but thats about it. I am on a hockey team and there are showers and all the guys are naked so I see alot of dicks but I really dont get turned on by them, it makes me feel good that I dont, it makes me feel like its all in my head. But the thoughts sometimes are just so over barring. And I love girls, I love to flirt with them and when im talking to them I feel so good I feel attracted and I want to marry one I want to love one, thinking about kissing a guy is gross and thinking about marrying one is a turn off. But my head tries to convince me that I will end up kissing them and marrrying them, its so hard but can anyone tell me if they eventually go away? My biggest fear is that I will go through this process and either nothing will change or I lose my attraction to girls and become gay, it freaks me out to think that. When I have a gay dream I dont picture a guys face or kissing them its just the **** i picture and when i wake up i freak out i hate the idea of this i just want to end my life. I just want to know if it gets better? I know in real life i wont want to **** some other guy its just in my head, its a fantasy really, but I want to have sex with a girl more than anything but I get scared because it doesnt turn me on that much as gay porn does. I just want it all to go away, if porn wasnt invented I would be thinking only girls, I have been so depressed and get scared everytime I hear the word gay being used or when I see a gay couple, it frightens me to think I could be there. But hopefully if I fight it I will be better. One last question, if I start fantasizing about a **** in the middle of a day, should i try and block the thought or would it be better to just let the thought pass until it has totally gone away? Thanks to whomever reads this and hopefully I can get some feedback. on a lighter note when i really think very hard and when i get a clear thought that isn't clouded by this demon hocd i know i'm straight and i get so happy its insane. i also want to say i was introduced to porn at the age of 10 and my brother tried to rape me at 11( he didn't succeed we got in huge fight i thought it was weird.)

[jRalph]

You really need to see a therapist because you have several issues that have nothing to do with HOCD and they should be addressed first, especially suicidal thoughts. From your description of several things, I don't think that you are gay.  Being in a room of naked guys would have been a big turn on for you if you were.

  Firstly, your early experiences at age 10 with porn and your brother's subsequent attempt to rape you.  The effects of these two events on a 10 year old developing brain is considerable and needs to be explored. Did you, at the time, think that the reason for your brother's rape attempt was because you thought you were gay and that is why he was doing it?  What is your relationship with your brother now? Early confusion about this builts a foundation of doubts and this needs to be explored and resolved.  SEcondly, you say that you got bored with the hetero porn and started watching tranny and then gay porn.  Watching this made imprints on your pleasure memory (classic conditioning) and it isn't surprising that you may have had difficulty having an orgasm/ejaculation with a girl because you were classically conditioned to respond to gay porn, even though you were having a good time. Or was this a case of "performance anxiety" or a combination of things?  The biggest sex organ of all is the human brain and if things are confused there, it is not going to happen down "there".  Watching gay porn doesn't necessarily mean that you are gay.  However, I suggest that you abstain from gay porn as difficult as that may be and try again with a willing partner after several weeks. In the meantime, If you become distracted by gay images that come up in your mind, stop and distract them with straight images that you have had in the past or imagine new ones.  Your mastabatory fantasies should be straight as well and if you get off on gay stuff, stop and begin again and make sure that your orgasm to to straight fantasies.  Get with a good therapist who will work on this stuff with you and over time you will see progress.  DON'T GIVE UP!

[JGF25]

Hi there....you are way overthinking this whole issue but that is what we do with these types of thoughts....I know you posted before but I can't remember if you have actually see a psychologist to talk about these issues?  I believe I remember saying something akin to PTSD...but you really do sound as if you need to get into therapy.  When you have thoughts that just go on and on unchecked it does tend to lead to a depressive state.  I mean who wants to go around thinking about this stuff 24/7...it is way to exhausing.  If you need your parents permission to see a psychologist, then tell them you are being plagued by thoughts that just won't go away.  

Did I mention the book The OCD Workbook:  Your guide to breaking free of OCD?  If not, then you may want to give that a try as well.  Amazon has it pretty cheap.