Ok so I'm 17 year old female, for the past 6 months I have had none stop thoughts about my sexuality. I know I am straight but my mind keeps bringing back thoughts that I am gay. I DONT WANT TO BE GAY!!! I mean I support gay rights and a few of my friends are bisexual and gay, but I just don't want to live like that. I will have these attacks for days, then it would calm down then come right back. It started when I was taking a nursing class and one of my female classmates were assigned to take vital signs and we did apical pulse (on the chest) and when she put her hand on my chest I became very tense and started freaking out and thinking, "Oh my God! Am I Gay?" I went into a full blown panic attack and called my mom to take me home. I have very bad anxiety so I always get nervous really quick. Every morning I'll wake up fine then a few seconds BOOM the thoughts come in. I never go out to hang out with my friends because I feel like I will start feeling something for them, I can't hug people anymore without the thoughts popping in, and can never say, "I love you," in a best friend kind of way to another girl without freaking out
I have male celebrity crushes, I love One Direction, they are my life! I would usually go to them and my blog to try to bring my HOCD thoughts down, it works some days but other days it doesn't. I have lots of celeb crushes but I'm not finding most of them attractive anymore and it terrifies me that I will stop finding guys attracting anymore.. I have never had a boyfriend or my first kiss. I have had major crushes on guys but I never was able to talk to them. I was asked out freshman year and I panicked out of it and said no to him.
I don't watch any of that porn stuff that I see lots of forums talk about (THATS DISGUSTING!). I'll be watching new movies with my dad then I will see a naked woman walking around and thankfully I have the strength to look away, but the image stays implanted In my head for months after. I do have fantasies with guys in my head but then HOCD will kick in and I get so scared that I have to do something to get my mind off of it.
I did go to counseling last year once a week with the school counselor and it helped a lot, but then a few days later, the thoughts would come back and it would be the same thing every time. I would break down crying talking about it to my counselor and we would then leave the subject. I have also had suicidal thoughts about it but I would never commit because I could never do that... they were just thoughts. I drink some tea to calm down my thoughts and started running but I then became too lazy and quit with the running, I have also a lot of paranoia. I practically never leave the house. Sometimes when I have a thought, I'd hit myself in the head, thinking that it would help but it doesn't, yet I can't help it, and I reassure myself by talking to myself in the mirror.
When I volunteer at the hospital for my class, we have to deliver baths to all patients. I never get the thoughts while I'm bathing the patients but they don't reappear till later.
The HOCD will try and change around my past to making me think that I am gay too... I always role played games with my cousins when I was little. The major thought that is brought back to me was when I accidently kissed my same gendered cousin. It was a roleplay game and I was pretending that I was going to kiss her, but then my sister scared me and I jerked forward. A millisecond later I pulled away and I felt so bad and terrified. I was maybe 10 then? That thought always haunts me to this day and I regret doing that. The thought and many others will always come when I'm showering no matter what. I listen to my music in the shower which calms me down but I can not listen to female singers, fearing that I will be turned on or something. But when I listen to boy singers, I have to change the lyrics to when the say "she" "girl" "her" to "he" "boy" "him" Its quite annoying and if I mess up I get close to going into another panic attack and look up more HOCD forums.
I REALLY need help!!! Anyone who cured themselves from HOCD or got help, I would VERY appreciate it if you told me how. I am in full blown panic everyday and I don't know if I can take it any more...