Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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HOCD Is Driving Me Insane!?

Hey. I'm new to this forum and i have a long story to tell, so i'm sorry about the long text, i just need to put this out. So, i have OCD. I've had all the kinds of crazy obsessions and thoughts you can imagine, since i was 10 years old, i think. My currently obsession is HOCD. From what i can remember, i've always been a straight girl. I've never had questioned my sexuality. Until this one day at school, where i overheard both of my friends talking about me like: "What if she's a lesbian? Maybe she is and just didn't notice that" I heard that when i was 16 years old.They thought i was a lesbian because i only bought magazines that had girls on the cover, which i did because i was too shy to buy magazines with guys on the cover, i didn't want my family to see it (weird, i know) also, i've never had a boyfriend and never kissed anyone. Probably because of my Social Anxiety. Social Anxiety makes me scared of boys. Mostly because a lot of boys would make fun of me at school, and the ones that didn't tease me, kept hitting on me and i didn't know what to do.    
         I've had crushes on school. I remember liking this guy on 4th grade, he was my first crush. Then there was this other guy on 6th grade (i remember being very jealous of him) and another one in high school.And a few others i can't remember. I don't remember having a crush on any girl. But my mind keeps telling me that i did, i just don't remember that. Anyway, i never went out neither talked to any of those boys i liked because my anxiety wouldn't let me. I was like "Ok, i like this guy, but i won't put my hopes up, i couldn't date him anyway" Also, i had LOTS of celebrities crushes. I know, it's stupid, but i really, REALLY, liked them all (they were all guys btw)
        But since my HOCD started, my mind forced me into remembering things i could possibly have done in the past, that could be signs that i am a lesbian. And this is what i remembered: When i was a kid, i used to play a computer game where i had to strip a girl's clothes off, and i got really excited doing that, i didn't know why. Also, when i was younger, i liked to see those "Top 10 Most Beautiful Women In Bikinis" that was on on tv all the time and my mom would ask me to switch channels because she wasn't interested in seeing women naked, so i did bc i didn't want her to think that i wanted to see naked women either. But i had forgotten about these things until HOCD knocked in. I mean, if i had forgotten about these things, it's not important to me, right!? I also had a best friend in 4th grade that i liked very much (as a friend) but now my mind is telling me "You had a crush on her, you just didn't notice" And i had this other friend that was my neighbour. She was a bit*h to me, but i kept hanging out with her anyway because i only had her as a friend, even tough she would treat me like sh*t sometimes. My mom even got mad at me once: "Why do you even hang out with her? Sometimes your father and i think you're a lesbian" and i was like "WTF? Ew!" And i had this female teacher that i liked very much. I think i liked her for being cool and i thought she was pretty. But now my mind is telling me that i had a crush on her also. But i remember liking guys at the same time all those things happened and my mind is like "If you're not a lesbian, then you're at least bi" And i like lesbian porn. Straight porn turns me on, but lebian porn turns me on more. But i've been reading that a lot of straight girls only get turned on with lesbian porn, so i was fine.
        I've had HOCD before, and i made it go away (idk how i did it, honestly) Seems impossible to do it now. But at that time, i just did and everything went back to normal. I started having more male celebrities crushes, i even started liking my friend's guy friend. I was so confident, that i wouldn't mind watch lesbian porn and make jokes like "Boys are so complicated, sometimes i think it's must be easier being a lesbian" or "Demi Lovato is so hot, i would go lesbian for her" I joked bc deep down i knew i was straight. But now HOCD is back and making me all confused again. It looks like i've lost all my attraction to boys and only get turned on by girls (every girl i see, it's bizarre!) IDK what's real and what's HOCD anymore. Plus, i'm 18 years old, never got kissed, never touched a boy (i had ocd involving the fear of being pregnant once; that's why i avoid touching guys) and my hormones are crazy. I feel fuc**ng depressed lately. I was already sad bc i finished high school and my anxiety won't let me get a job or go to college. Now i feel like i wanna give up and just stay home watching my favourite tv shows for the rest of my life.  (even tough sometimes i give up watching bc i'm afraid i'll keep checking the girls on the show to see if they're hot or if i'm attracted to them) I still like this guy i liked before HOCD, but it feels like i lost all my sexual attraction towards him. I have nothing against homosexuals, but since these thoughts started, i've became kind of homophobic. If i was lesbian, i'd have noticed it before, right?? And i think i wouldn't be struggling with it like i am now. Once i thought i had a crush o my friend bc i'd get all weird and excited near her, what does it mean? Could it be because i've never been with a boy and i only feel comfortable with girls bc of my social anxiety? I can't go to a psychologist. I've already been to two of them, and none worked. I'm too shy to tell them everything i feel. And my mom would get super mad at me if i asked her to see another one. I'm tired of all of this. I feel like an anxiety bomb. What am i, after all? Lesbian, bi, or an insane straight girl? Can i get rid of HOCD and Social Anxiety on my own? (Sorry for the long text and for any grammar mistake; English isn't my first language)
2 Responses
9784446 tn?1421337046
you cannot get rid of hocd on your own, if it was possible you would have done that. you need to consult a psychiatrist for medicine and a psychologist for cognitive behavior therapy
Avatar universal
I want to start off by saying it's utter bullish•t if your mom gets mad at you for wanting to seek help. You're brain isn't okay, and you need support. I suggest seeing an OCD specialist that deals with ERP or CBT (look up both definitions) and ask for a small dose of medication. Also, you're not alone. I'm almost 14 and have been trapped in the cycle of HOCD since I was 9. I'm turned on by women sometimes (though I've never looked at porn because I'm really scared to do so tbh) but I know I'm not gay or bi. Feel free to message me if you want to talk. I know I'm young but it'd be nice to talk to someone.
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