Let me first say: I have always been straight, into guys, only dated guys, am currently dating a guy, am attracted sexually and romantically to guys. I've never questioned my sexuality before. I'm 17, and I'm 100% im straight.
Last month, I saw this video of one of my favorite youtubers coming out as bisexual. Mind you, I already suffer from anxiety, depression, emotional numbness, and low self confidence/esteem. I couldnt even watch the full video..I was in shock because Ive watched him as a kid when I was being bullied. I was/am bullied for my appearance, being short, and being naturally skinny..basically looking 12 when Im almost an adult. I never thought that he would be bi..I just thought he cross dressed like normal youtubers. Just for the skit. Well, even though it was little and honestly had nothing to do with me, it had a toll on me..because a question popped up in my head. "Maybe you're bi too". I was weirded out, but I simply pushed it aside. Well, since I have a low self esteem, I tend to compare myself to other girls. Prettier, shapelier, curvy girls. Well after watching the videos, when I compared myself to other girls, I began to have these...intrusive thoughts...And images. They constantly would bother me and make me have this uneasy, weird, bad feeling in my chest..my anxiety. Its gotten to the point where I would be crying all day because I was so afraid because this isnt who I know myself to be. I constantly been searching online to see if other people had similar experiences. Day and night. Also, Ive been avoiding watching certain tv shows, going outside to avoid looking, comparing, and running into other females, Ive stopped reading articles on buzzfeed, especially same sex ones, I stopped reading magazines, and its made me crazy. I even felt uneasy looking at elderly women, little girls, and even my mother and sister. I felt so intimidated but scared at the same time. I constantly was bugging my friends about this and having to go online to be reassured. The thoughts grew stronger and stronger though. I would always mentally debate and argue with these thoughts, and constantly tell myself," YOUVE BEEN STRAIGHT ALL YOUR LIFE. YOURE STRAIGHT NOW. ITS JUST THE DEPRESSION. ITS JUST YOUR SELF ESTEEM, YOURE INTIMIDATED. ITS JUST THE NUMBNESS IS GETTING TO YOU. THIS IS NOT YOU." Its really..annoying. Soon I came across something called HOCD..I think I may have it. I hope I do because Ive never had thoughts like this until that video..triggered me. I will be asking my mother to see a psychiatrist (and switch therapists; she tried to convince me that I'm bi, but I'm not. Also, she thinks my bullying stories aren't valid.) I then actually just gave in to being bi curious, and the thoughtd stopped...only to come back worse. "Maybe youre lesbian." I've only had 2 days when I felt normal, as though the thoughts and anxiety was completely gone. I've even laughed at how much I freaked out..only to have everything come back 2 hrs later.
Today, I realized something changed when I had to get a package for my mom. I went downstairs and the mail lady was very pretty, however i didn't feel attracted to her..but i didn't feel very anxious either. Only a little to none. Actually, I felt a "drop" in my chest, and it makes me feel bad. I still feel this way and I'm scared because before I felt extremely anxious a couple days ago and yesterday, but now i feel nothing but an odd feeling in my chest. I'm freaking out because the anxiety is gone but the thoughts are there, kind of. It switches up my thoughts and adds words in. For example, I would think," I love (insert bf's name here)" and it would change it to," I love girls" and I'd be like," NO, I LOVE MY BF!" When the thoughts leave, i feel scared for everything to come back, I'm so lost idk what to do anymore. The anxiety was bad but at least it was some sort of reassurance. :( Help please, I'm really scared. I do respect the LGBT community, however, this isn't who I am. Also, I'm very sorry this is long