HOCD OR GAY/BISEXUAL DENIAL?! Please help me.

[Anthonylee72]

I am somewhat homophobic but not too much. This has been going on for a year. I never really cared about what other people would think if I were to be gay or bi but it would suck to have people not like me anymore because of it. I'm sorry if i get to graphic or offend you.


Gay Denial part??
I've done some really gay things as a young boy and blamed it on being "super horny" or just saying "im young its ok" then I overheard my dad when he was drunk saying he did things like what I did when he was a teen. And I started around 9-10 years old. And I always felt bad about doing it. I told myself i'll be done doing the weird stuff soon. I felt better after I overheard my dad talking about what he did. And this one time I tried thinking about this one boy and having sex with him and master baited to it..... I enjoyed it at the time. I never thought about it ever again until This HOCD thing came up. I never ever thought about masterbaiting to men till hocd came up

OCD part
When I was real young too around the same time that I was doing all that stuff. There was always this bridge I crossed that some boards were longer or too short that I would never step on because they were 'different' and I always stepped over them but would always have to step over each board the same amount otherwise one of my legs would be 'better than the other' or if i turned one way in a circle i would have to spin the other way back or it wouldn't be even amount of spins in both directions. Then when I got older I would always have to shower and stay clean. If someone ever touched me I would get super angry like I was completely dirty. And if I was playing with something like legos. It would have to be 100% perfect.

Thoughts I have daily

I'm so scared that i'm just in denial that i'm gay.

I don't want to be gay.

What if I like men? Do I like him?

I hate myself!!

What am I?

IM SCARED THAT I MIGHT JUST BE IN DENIAL!!!

I want to die...

I feel like this HOCD thing was all just fake...

I'm gay.

I was just lying to myself this whole time.
_____________________________________

I'm always so scared to be gay or bi in denial.... I really just want to be back with girls and have my sexual attraction back to them. I can't get the thought out of my head.
I used to always be so happy when I was with girls and now i'm scared that I never really liked them. That all my life was fake of me being straight. I don't remember ever liking a boy. I try looking at gay porn and gay pictures of men and I used to just get this urge to masterbait and i didnt like it... I also used to get groin responses and sometimes my thing went fully up and i didn't like that... (Sorry for being so graphic) and i'm also so sorry if this offended you... I'm freaking out almost daily so many anxiety attacks and get scared when i dont have anxiety attacks.. I NEED HELP!!!!

[IronMook82]

^great answer!^ I totally agree!

[JGF25]

Hi there....sorry for the delay but this is a volunteer site and I don't get a chance to get on here as much as I would like.  

First of all, how old are you now?  

I want to give you my take on being gay.  I think it is genetic.  I think we are born gay or we are not.  Experimenting as a kid doesn't matter because yes hormones are running wild and sometimes they get acted on.  Two boys going through the same thing say hey let's try this.  Not a big deal.  When I say genetic, I also mean that you can't trick your body.  Your body is hard-wired to respond in a certain way.  For instance when I look at a good looking guy, my body responds to him but when I see a good looking woman my body does not react the same way.  For the woman it is yeah she's pretty, wish I looked at good as her.  For the guy it is whoa....see what I'm talking about?  I can't force my body to feel something for women.  Now, can my head, my OCD brain, make me think I do...absolutely!  That is what OCD irrational thinking is all about.  We make this stuff up and then we have an argument with our brain about it.  

Here is some good information about OCD

http://www.wsps.info/index.php?catid=0%3A&id=82%3Aten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&option=com_content&view=article

And here is another article written from the perspective of a gay guy and HOCD

http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php

Can you talk to your dad about your anxiety?  Ideally you should see a psychologist to be formally diagnosed (especially since you have had other irrational thoughts).  The psychologist can also teach you how to deal with the thoughts and how to get rid of them.  

[Anthonylee72]

Sorry if this doesnt make sense but please answer!!! I need help ask me questions please!!!!!!