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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

HOCD?? Please help!!

I'm a 16 year old F and I'm struggling. Side note I have generalized anxiety disorder, separation anxiety and my mother told me i have some OCD tendencies. I've always identified as straight, i've always felt comfortable with that label and my earliest "crush" I had was on Tom Bergeron from AFV. I always knew I liked guys. My first crush was on a guy in second grade, he had blonde hair and these blue eyes and I thought he was so cute. I wanted to be around him, always be his partner for activities. I developed a crush on his friend too but that crush was so much stronger I think, and I always got upset when they'd talk to my friends instead of me. I continued having crushes on guys throughout the grades. I got into a few relationships but they never really lasted. The longest was a year and I was completely in love. We met over a game and then started dating. We talked about our future together, I'd sometimes stay up all night to talk to this guy, id cuddle a pillow and pretend its him or make up imaginary scenarios in my head where him and another guy would fight over me,I remember questioning once for like 3 days but I thought it was silly and I still liked guys so that was whatever. This last summer and this summer have almost been exactly the same. Something triggered me and my brain reacted. Now the symptoms i'm going to list apply to this and last summer as well, although this summer is worse. - No or minimal desire to eat. - Checking/Testing myself to see if my body reacts to women. - Avoiding anything LGBT - Avoiding some tv shows - Constantly checking forums to see if people have the same symptoms as i do "HOCD lost attraction?" "HOCD not panicking?" "Is this even HOCD anymore?"  Last summer I was so convinced I was a lesbian and I just had this strong urge to come out to my mom, it was terrible! I never felt like that before! It lasted all the way up until school started, i told her about that too.  I was afraid that id find my teachers attractive cause whenever I saw a pretty female teacher my stomach would churn into knots. It was never like that before. Just last year I thought my history teacher (male) was attractive, i wasn't like drooling over him but he was nice to look at lol. Flash Forward to this summer I was hanging out with an ex friend of mine and I told him about this guy I completely fell for. He was so attractive. I couldn't stop thinking about him, when I was in school I prayed my class would end so I could talk to him. He was an internet friend at first but when we met I was so nervous I was shaking, I was so tempted to just grab his hand and hold it. He looked so much better in person, his voice, his personality! Everything was so attractive! Anyway, I found out earlier on that he was trans and that didnt bother me, he looked like a guy and i liked guys so! The only times i realized he was a girl was when he talked about how his breasts hurt or when he said he had a vagina, i got a little uncomfortable but I supported him because I saw him as a male. And the only girls that i classified as attractive were the ones that looked like guys, and if i found out they were women i just got uncomfortable. Anyway I told the guy about him and he found out he was trans and he's like "So you're bisexual?" and I said "No." and he kept repeating that I was. I got super anxious and quickly switched the conversation and when I got home that night I guess I forgot about it? Or so I thought. I woke up like 2 days later with this thought "I'm gay" and that terrified me. I didn't want to be gay. I completely forgot about what happened last summer until my mind was telling me about all these things that classified as "proof." Like Mommy and Daddy with my friend when I was younger. I got desperate one night and I asked one of my friends who was pan if we could do stuff. I didn't even want to do it because it was with her? I wanted to do it because I was going to imagine a guy I liked doing the stuff to me and not her. And I remember it being like that because that;s what it was, now my mind is making me doubt it. It makes me doubt everything. Its making me think all my past crushes on guys were lies. It makes me think I like the thoughts, and   now whenever i see a girl on tv I get a groinal response and I don't like it. Sometimes my brain wants to switch between things, like if i say I'm gay then sometimes it'll stop the thoughts but it doesnt make  me happy, when i say i'm bi it'll stop the thoughts and that makes me happier because then id still like guys. I can't even say that i'm straight anymore because that feels like a lie. I've always felt comfortable with that label. I've told my mom about this and she told me she was supportive of me but that wasn't the answer I wanted. She took me to a doctor when she realized i was acting different, not eating, not using my computer, barely using my phone. I couldn't be away from her, if she wasn't in my line of vision I panicked. i wrote down exactly how I was feeling and he told me at the fact that since I let what some guy said to me trigger me, it was my anxiety acting up and I felt better for a few hours after that. I trusted my doctor a lot so i followed his advice. But the next morning got worse. My mom left for work and the thoughts were the worst they've ever been. I had the thoughts like this last summer but this was new. I was so convinced I was gay. I suddenly just had this urge to down a bunch of pills or stab myself in the heart with a knife, id rather die then live with those thoughts. So my mom took me to the hospital where I spoke with a crisis worker and he recommended therapy. We haven't set up a therapist yet but my mom is working on it. All this has happened within a week. Now it's at the point where my mind just keeps saying "im gay, im gay" And I've been doubting everything so much lately that I don't know if its true or not. I've thought about being with a girl before but I had no reaction towards it, just a "whatever" thought and i pushed it aside but when i thought about being with a guy I felt good, it felt right. Now it feels like it was all a lie. I want to be straight again and like boys again. I want to get better but my mind is like "no you dont, you want to stay like this." when I don't. I don't feel like myself anymore. Does this sound like OCD to you?
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Avatar universal
I'm a 15 yr old male, suffering from these exact symptoms. Anyone, someone, please help. I really dont want to live my life like this, so please, help.
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