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HOCD Suffered, need to conquer it, PLEASE HELP!
Hi, I've been suffering from HOCD since I was 13 years old. I am now turning 19.
It has been a long and hard battle.
My sexuality has pretty much been solid from 13-17. No doubts. I conquered my first episode of HOCD from 13-14 easily, as my mental strength and rationalisation (or childlike innocence) helped me through it.
However in 2011, for about 5months, up until right now, I've been battling HOCD. It has been tearing me apart and destroying my soul and being. It has eroded my living style and spiraling me into depression and a sense of suicide and self-mutilation. I cannot afford therapy, psychiatrists or a psychologist. I need to battle this on my own. And I'm looking for all the help I can get.
Backstory:
I had a girlfriend for almost 2 years. Loved her immensely. Had great sex. Enjoyed every second of it. Had a girlfriend before her as well with a lot of intimacy and sexual endeavors which where also all amazing. I am not gay. I love women. I love being around them. Both physically and emotionally. That is what I feel in my heart, soul, and mind. Just intrusive thoughts are destroying me.
Basically my friend in University had a conversation with me about sexuality. He said sexuality is interchangeable. He posed strong points and I thought he couldn't have been too mistaken. The same night I went to bed my subconscious picked it up and I dreamt he tried to kiss me (But I pulled away, and he did not complete the kiss)
from that point on my mind exploded and I couldn't bare the thought of kissing my extremely good friend. It became awkward around him. And the question beckoned whether I was gay or not constantly. Testing myself at every stop.
Looking at every guy. Asking myself constantly. Creating a HOCD so rampant my mind wouldnt know what would hit it. I am at the stage of where I find myself attractive when I look in the mirror. Where I find cartoon drawings arousing, although I know they arent. Where I look at men and I know im not gay nor have ever been gay but question my sexuality and I stare at their muscles and tell myself how apparently attractive it is although I know it is not in my mind. I am not attracted to men sexually or physically.
This has also spurred from me hating gay people intensely from a young age. I just couldn't stand them. I found them annoying and I wanted to punch them and I useto write in class when the teacher asked me what I wanted to become i'd say, a successful rich millionaire who is NOT gay.
So now i just want to accept gays for who they are. I dont want to hate them. Cause I feel this pain now.
And I want to stop having messed up sexual cognitive thoughts. It's all so disgusting. Thinking of men sexually in my mind i find repulsive and digusting.. it takes me to the point where i feel like throwing up and there becomes a pit in my stomach.
I just want someone to tell me im not gay. tell me im going to be fine. and tell me most of all how to conquer this. what steps to take. wwhat to do. i feel so trapped and alone. i will do it all. i will follow your word. i just want these thoughts to stop. i was normal. i want to go back to being normal. please help me. sorry for the long essay.
It has been a long and hard battle.
My sexuality has pretty much been solid from 13-17. No doubts. I conquered my first episode of HOCD from 13-14 easily, as my mental strength and rationalisation (or childlike innocence) helped me through it.
However in 2011, for about 5months, up until right now, I've been battling HOCD. It has been tearing me apart and destroying my soul and being. It has eroded my living style and spiraling me into depression and a sense of suicide and self-mutilation. I cannot afford therapy, psychiatrists or a psychologist. I need to battle this on my own. And I'm looking for all the help I can get.
Backstory:
I had a girlfriend for almost 2 years. Loved her immensely. Had great sex. Enjoyed every second of it. Had a girlfriend before her as well with a lot of intimacy and sexual endeavors which where also all amazing. I am not gay. I love women. I love being around them. Both physically and emotionally. That is what I feel in my heart, soul, and mind. Just intrusive thoughts are destroying me.
Basically my friend in University had a conversation with me about sexuality. He said sexuality is interchangeable. He posed strong points and I thought he couldn't have been too mistaken. The same night I went to bed my subconscious picked it up and I dreamt he tried to kiss me (But I pulled away, and he did not complete the kiss)
from that point on my mind exploded and I couldn't bare the thought of kissing my extremely good friend. It became awkward around him. And the question beckoned whether I was gay or not constantly. Testing myself at every stop.
Looking at every guy. Asking myself constantly. Creating a HOCD so rampant my mind wouldnt know what would hit it. I am at the stage of where I find myself attractive when I look in the mirror. Where I find cartoon drawings arousing, although I know they arent. Where I look at men and I know im not gay nor have ever been gay but question my sexuality and I stare at their muscles and tell myself how apparently attractive it is although I know it is not in my mind. I am not attracted to men sexually or physically.
This has also spurred from me hating gay people intensely from a young age. I just couldn't stand them. I found them annoying and I wanted to punch them and I useto write in class when the teacher asked me what I wanted to become i'd say, a successful rich millionaire who is NOT gay.
So now i just want to accept gays for who they are. I dont want to hate them. Cause I feel this pain now.
And I want to stop having messed up sexual cognitive thoughts. It's all so disgusting. Thinking of men sexually in my mind i find repulsive and digusting.. it takes me to the point where i feel like throwing up and there becomes a pit in my stomach.
I just want someone to tell me im not gay. tell me im going to be fine. and tell me most of all how to conquer this. what steps to take. wwhat to do. i feel so trapped and alone. i will do it all. i will follow your word. i just want these thoughts to stop. i was normal. i want to go back to being normal. please help me. sorry for the long essay.
Im a girl. I have had HOCD since this winter and it was my worst depression yet. I havent had it for long, but when I do get those thoughts, I try to link it to my past and then get really uncontrollable anxiety and try to think about the actual What If thoughts and get so scared I almost can't breathe and I don't want to think about it anymore :( but when I do little by little thinking of the actual situation, everything stops and Im realizing I've never been attracted to girls, they don't interest me the way guys have all my life so why is this happening to me? I just want to be happy and I want it to go away.
When I think about the What Ifs and realize I know who I am, my mind says well what if you only think that? what if youre avoiding it? what if this is real and every other thought isnt?? :( I;ve thought about killing myself because if these thoughts ARE true, it goes against everything I've ever valued and dreamed of growing up. I'm a hopeless romantic and have been waiting for the perfect guy all my life......
When I think about the What Ifs and realize I know who I am, my mind says well what if you only think that? what if youre avoiding it? what if this is real and every other thought isnt?? :( I;ve thought about killing myself because if these thoughts ARE true, it goes against everything I've ever valued and dreamed of growing up. I'm a hopeless romantic and have been waiting for the perfect guy all my life......
Also, I was not trying to trivialize your fears. I know they are very real and very distressing. So I apologize if I came off that way.
I do have OCD. I found that if I let myself go ahead and think about what caused me a great deal of anxiety, it eventually lost its potency.
When you have intrusive thoughts, I imagine the first thing you try to do is eliminate them. For me, I would try to mentally push them away or force myself to think about something else. The thoughts were just too distressing. However, once I let myself be panicked about them and really get into them, they would begin to lose their strength.
When you have intrusive thoughts, I imagine the first thing you try to do is eliminate them. For me, I would try to mentally push them away or force myself to think about something else. The thoughts were just too distressing. However, once I let myself be panicked about them and really get into them, they would begin to lose their strength.
I've had OCD for...most of my life actually. I've had pretty much every horrible thought go through my head that you wouldn't want to think of, however, I've never had HOCD and here is why...
I don't care. I know I'm perfectly straight but I come from a progressive area and liberal family, and being gay is no big deal and me being gay would be no big deal. So because I don't see it as a negative, I've never had any thoughts about that.
However that doesn't mean I've never had intrusive thoughts of a disturbing sexual nature before. I generally deal with these by recognizing they stem from a part of my brain different from my actual self, and accept it's just going to spew out a lot of crap like this. I try not to pay any attention to it, much like I would try not to pay attention to a bratty little kid. In some instances, I try to distract myself by thinking of a song, or even trying to hijack the thought and turn it into something I'd rather think about.
I don't care. I know I'm perfectly straight but I come from a progressive area and liberal family, and being gay is no big deal and me being gay would be no big deal. So because I don't see it as a negative, I've never had any thoughts about that.
However that doesn't mean I've never had intrusive thoughts of a disturbing sexual nature before. I generally deal with these by recognizing they stem from a part of my brain different from my actual self, and accept it's just going to spew out a lot of crap like this. I try not to pay any attention to it, much like I would try not to pay attention to a bratty little kid. In some instances, I try to distract myself by thinking of a song, or even trying to hijack the thought and turn it into something I'd rather think about.
You obviously don't understand OCD/HOCD that well to be giving that input.
It's the ruminating of thoughts and constant re-running of fear throughout your mind. The thoughts themselves are intrusive. They are unwanted. And they effect you no matter how many times you think of it because you genuinely fear it so it triggers you. Nothing about it will ever become boring because it plays with your core emotions.
Please don't talk about things you don't know. Others also want to read this thread and take advice and help a long with them, and that response was not in the best interest of those suffering from this illness.
It's the ruminating of thoughts and constant re-running of fear throughout your mind. The thoughts themselves are intrusive. They are unwanted. And they effect you no matter how many times you think of it because you genuinely fear it so it triggers you. Nothing about it will ever become boring because it plays with your core emotions.
Please don't talk about things you don't know. Others also want to read this thread and take advice and help a long with them, and that response was not in the best interest of those suffering from this illness.
I think the more you try to avoid thinking sexual thoughts, especially ones you really fear, they become more powerful. In reality, there's nothing particularly powerful or awful about naked men; it'd likely bore you if you thought it over for long.
Thanks so much brother.
I'll take your advice. I'm pretty much trying to just not be so sexual in my own mind right now, to nullify the constant bombardment. I'll also take this thing head on with what you've noted. I won't fear being gay, because I'm not gay. I'll look, because I know my interest doesn't lie there.
I'll take your advice. I'm pretty much trying to just not be so sexual in my own mind right now, to nullify the constant bombardment. I'll also take this thing head on with what you've noted. I won't fear being gay, because I'm not gay. I'll look, because I know my interest doesn't lie there.
Hey man i know exactly how you feel. I'm in pretty much the exact same situation and had a very similar back story. One thing that I would definately
Recommend is stop trying to stop yourself from looking at guys. You're looking because you're telling yourself not to look. It's like someone said in one of the replies, whenever someone says don't look at something, all you want to do is look. I've found that by allowing myself to look, I find that I generally have no interest at all and realize its all in my head. You gotta expose yourself to your fears instead avoiding them.
I know how much this hocd ***** man. Stay strong.
Recommend is stop trying to stop yourself from looking at guys. You're looking because you're telling yourself not to look. It's like someone said in one of the replies, whenever someone says don't look at something, all you want to do is look. I've found that by allowing myself to look, I find that I generally have no interest at all and realize its all in my head. You gotta expose yourself to your fears instead avoiding them.
I know how much this hocd ***** man. Stay strong.
First a disclaimer: This is my personal opinion. I don't want to get into a discussion about genetics, science, or faith. You can simply take what I write and go with it or say its crap and find a different way. So don't expect me to respond to anybody that has a difference of opinion and wants to debate it. We are each entitled to our own opinions and I respect that.
As far as accepting gay people, look at it from the genetics point of view. I'm a scientist so I think of everyting from the genetics point of view.
Why am I as a woman attracted to men? It is because of my genetics. The chemicals produced in my body make me attracted to men. Now what if I was born with different genetics that altered the way these chemicals worked or didn't work altogether? Maybe then I would be attracted to women.
There are a lot less gay people in the world than straight and so the genetic difference is recessive rather than dominant. So try to think of it this way. There is no reason to hate gay people. They are just like us only with different genetics. We are all people and all people deserve respect.
Keep working on your OCD cognitive behavioral therapy. The books I mentioned will help you. You already know what to do it is just finding the tools that will work best for you.
Good luck.
As far as accepting gay people, look at it from the genetics point of view. I'm a scientist so I think of everyting from the genetics point of view.
Why am I as a woman attracted to men? It is because of my genetics. The chemicals produced in my body make me attracted to men. Now what if I was born with different genetics that altered the way these chemicals worked or didn't work altogether? Maybe then I would be attracted to women.
There are a lot less gay people in the world than straight and so the genetic difference is recessive rather than dominant. So try to think of it this way. There is no reason to hate gay people. They are just like us only with different genetics. We are all people and all people deserve respect.
Keep working on your OCD cognitive behavioral therapy. The books I mentioned will help you. You already know what to do it is just finding the tools that will work best for you.
Good luck.
Hey, and thanks so much for the timely responsive.
I really appreciate it. I will definatley gives those books a look that you mentioned. I feel I do have the mental strength/tenacity/and audacity to beat this.
I just feel like I need proper guidelines and pointers you know. People who have experienced this hand for hand. Also I know it will also become very self-applicable only when dealing with certain things, so I have to find those areas on my own.
But a general guideline to beating HOCD.
Some of the thought processes you mentioned where I should imagine a red lever is good, I normally just think of a neautral blue ball in the centre of nothing and it completley rolls out all thoughts. SO I have been practicing such mental excercises.
Are there any other mental excercises I can do? Any other readings I can take? Any other thought processes, mentalities, activities that I can indulge my mind, thoughts and life in to conquer this?
Also, I just really really want to accept gay people for who they are.
I googled how to accept gay people, but most of it is self-help stuff for people who are actually gay, which does nothing for me. I want to be less hostile toward them.
Also I find I'm fine during the day mostly, it's just in the morning/night when I'm dreaming I'll have nightmares of becoming gay or seeing guys, or a sixpack and it all seems quite unhealthy. But I know I should ignore it and keep living my life. Im going to start lucid dreaming excercises to address this though, and hopefully be able to control my dreams to the point where I'm not having this intrusive subsconscious thought/dream pattern.
Hopefully none of this damages my conscious/subsconscious/ID though. I dont want to mess up my neurons.
Also I should mention I had a large stage of marijuana abuse where I'd smoke to kill my OCD/HOCD, but made it worse. So now I've quit. And most likely just going to get a serotonin/dopamine booster to counteract the withdrawal/desire for a dopamine high.
So yeah. I'm pretty much looking for stability. That's all I want. And a foundation to build myself on to nullify this HOCD and these depressive episodes I go through. It gets to the point where I just sit and do nothing because I feel like there's no point.
Thanks again :)
I really appreciate it. I will definatley gives those books a look that you mentioned. I feel I do have the mental strength/tenacity/and audacity to beat this.
I just feel like I need proper guidelines and pointers you know. People who have experienced this hand for hand. Also I know it will also become very self-applicable only when dealing with certain things, so I have to find those areas on my own.
But a general guideline to beating HOCD.
Some of the thought processes you mentioned where I should imagine a red lever is good, I normally just think of a neautral blue ball in the centre of nothing and it completley rolls out all thoughts. SO I have been practicing such mental excercises.
Are there any other mental excercises I can do? Any other readings I can take? Any other thought processes, mentalities, activities that I can indulge my mind, thoughts and life in to conquer this?
Also, I just really really want to accept gay people for who they are.
I googled how to accept gay people, but most of it is self-help stuff for people who are actually gay, which does nothing for me. I want to be less hostile toward them.
Also I find I'm fine during the day mostly, it's just in the morning/night when I'm dreaming I'll have nightmares of becoming gay or seeing guys, or a sixpack and it all seems quite unhealthy. But I know I should ignore it and keep living my life. Im going to start lucid dreaming excercises to address this though, and hopefully be able to control my dreams to the point where I'm not having this intrusive subsconscious thought/dream pattern.
Hopefully none of this damages my conscious/subsconscious/ID though. I dont want to mess up my neurons.
Also I should mention I had a large stage of marijuana abuse where I'd smoke to kill my OCD/HOCD, but made it worse. So now I've quit. And most likely just going to get a serotonin/dopamine booster to counteract the withdrawal/desire for a dopamine high.
So yeah. I'm pretty much looking for stability. That's all I want. And a foundation to build myself on to nullify this HOCD and these depressive episodes I go through. It gets to the point where I just sit and do nothing because I feel like there's no point.
Thanks again :)
Hey man you are definitely not alone on this forum. I am new here also and it is a great resource. HOCD seems to be a common theme for men and women alike. There are lots of people on here who can definitely relate to what you're going through.
I have struggled with this one myself, although I think I'm over it now. Because my only brother is gay, I have had some intense doubts here and there about my own sexuality, usually triggered by him telling me graphic stories of his hook-ups with other men, etc. It is bad enough when OCD makes you doubt minor stuff like locks and alarms; it is pure nightmare material when you start doubting your own personality.
Anyway sorry you don't have access to treatment. Use this forum when you're feeling down. One thing I would say is don't try to "test" yourself by looking at photos or porn. That will only aggravate your situation; it is like telling someone "don't think of elephants." It's impossible not to.
I have struggled with this one myself, although I think I'm over it now. Because my only brother is gay, I have had some intense doubts here and there about my own sexuality, usually triggered by him telling me graphic stories of his hook-ups with other men, etc. It is bad enough when OCD makes you doubt minor stuff like locks and alarms; it is pure nightmare material when you start doubting your own personality.
Anyway sorry you don't have access to treatment. Use this forum when you're feeling down. One thing I would say is don't try to "test" yourself by looking at photos or porn. That will only aggravate your situation; it is like telling someone "don't think of elephants." It's impossible not to.
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You explained yourself very well. What you need to learn to do is to not care about these thoughts. I know, easier said than done. People without OCD regularly check out the "competition" so to speak. I do it myself. "Will I look as good as her when I'm 50?" "Wow she has a nice body, I'd like to have a nice body like that too." "She looks good in those jeans, maybe I can lose weight and look as good." So you see, it is all about comparisons. People do it everyday but you are taking it a step further and overanalyzing it because of the HOCD.
It's not your fault your genetics are the way they are and your brain is wired the way it is. It's not a gay person's fault they are gay either. We are born this way. What you need to do is learn coping mechanisms to stop this viscious cycle of irrational thinking, checking, then back to more irrational thoughts.
When you think of a negative thought you need to replace it with a positive one. It helps to have something to write in like a journal. "I just looked at that guy, OMG I must be gay." Replace that with "I am simply comparing myself to him just like everybody else does and it is normal." For every negative thought replace it with a positive one.
Think back to the girlfriends you have had and how pleasurable it was to be with them. Remind yourself of that. Don't try to twist it into something it is not. "You like girls and you have always liked girls." That is another thing you can write down.
When you find yourself going to the dark side, yell at yourself. You are your own best motivator. Say STOP in your head and imagine pulling a red handle toward you to make it stop. Say "No I'm not going there so move on." This type of self-coaching can go a long way.
Since you don't have access to a therapist, how about trying to get The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder by Bruce Hyman and Cherlene Pedrick RN. You can get it online. Other people have spoken very highly of this book. I myself used the book Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani.
You know you are not gay because gay people don't throw up at the thought of being gay. They just know it and accept it. Planesrfun will tell you that he knew it right away and there was no second guessing that he was gay. So right there that tells you that you are fighting the thoughts and the more you fight the more they stay around. YOu have to learn to give them no credit with the techniques I mentioned above along with what the books teach you to do as far as cognitive behavioral therapy goes.
There are plenty of guys on here with HOCD. There have been gay women on here who were afraid they were straight. It happens both ways in both genders.
I hope this has helped you. If not, I can maybe get somebody else to talk to you about this.