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HOCD is driving me absolutely crazy.

Hi everyone. I'm a 19 year old guy currently enrolled in university and I've been struggling with HOCD since late May this year and I have absolutely no idea what to do.

Anyway, I've always considered myself secure about my sexuality and I never ever questioned it before. Yes, I tend to act feminine at times and I also act in stage theater, which are things others may perceive as gay. I've also associated with several gay/bi people in my life, which lead to rumors that I'm gay. But to me, I never cared about how "gay" my behavior or interests seemed to other people. I knew that I'm straight and that all that mattered. I felt strongly about my sexual identity and I loved every bit of it.

One night I was at my friend Mike's house for a small party and we were all intoxicated. Mike is bi and ended up trying to kiss me and felt my genitals but I pushed him off. Unfortunately, it was too late then. I know I didn't like it. In fact, I felt very grossed out about it the next day but brushed it off knowing that Mike's like that when he's drunk.

So far, no HOCD thoughts. To me, I was perfectly straight and a drunken friend tried hitting on me. No biggie, I'll tell him to cut it out next time.

I go to Mike's for another party and by the end of it it was just me, Mike, Adam and Nicole. All four of us were heavily intoxicated. Long story short, I ended up having a three-way kiss with Mike and Nicole and at the time all I thought of doing was kissing Nicole, and sorta blanked Mike out. (Although he did kiss me and I didn't mind. I just didn't like it.) Adam joined in and ended up kissing me.

So me and Adam were kissing, and I didn't like it at all, but kept going with it because I was drunk and didn't want to say no to him. At the time all I thought was "meh, whatever." I ended up in bed with Adam, but told him that we were not having sex. The kissing persisted until Nicole and Mike joined us. That's when I took Nicole and stayed with her for the rest of the night.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the extreme details, but that's what went down. I found myself immersed in a very strange experience. It was my first time kissing a guy and I don't remember being physically aroused by it. There was no gay sex whatsoever.

At the time, I did what I did because I wanted the guys to have fun too. I didn't want to be a party-pooper and I was so drunk and careless that I didn't see the problem with kissing another guy. It's also kind of an indicator as to how secure with my sexuality I was.

I remember waking up the next day feeling weird. I vowed to quit drinking and decided to put the experience behind me.

I went on to have an awesome semester. I dated a great girl, aced my tests and everything went very well until the HOCD thoughts kicked in.

"Am I bi?"
"No, it cant' be. I've been straight for as long as I remember!"
"I've always been attracted to girls!"
"But you kissed two guys on the same night!"
"I was drunk and I didn't want to say no. I know I didn't like it! I didn't get any erections!"
"Maybe you did and you just don't remember it. The guy kissed you and you came right back to his place the next night."
"Maybe you've always been bi."

Everyday I found myself uttering the words "I didn't get a hard-on kissing Adam and Mike that night." repeatedly to myself. It became my little daily ritual.

I'd like to think this is different from most HOCD cases, because it's not just a thought. I was immersed in a bisexual experience. I keep telling things to myself like "it's okay, it's college. It's okay to experiment. You know you didn't like it. That's fine!" But then I'd start thinking "What if I did like it? What if I am actually bi? The fact that I went with it and didn't say no shows that I have bisexual tendencies!"

It's a vicious cycle. I would then attempt to explain to myself how I didn't like the experience but more questions would arise. "Why couldn't you say no? Who would do that? You're bi." to which I'd reply to myself with a "BUT I'M NOT! I wasn't aroused!" and my mind would tell me "But maybe you were. Maybe you just don't remember it."

I find myself looking back at all the "possibly bi" things I've done over the years. I remember a guy kissing me in the lips a year ago playing spin the bottle. I thought nothing of it at the time. I remember patting my friend Ryan in the back when his girlfriend broke up with him. The tiniest things. No matter how silly or non-sexual they are, I find myself analyzing every form of physical contact I've made with a guy over the years.

I also "test" myself to see whether or not I like men. I watched gay pornography the other night and as far as I know I didn't like it. But my brain won't let it go. I'd tell myself things like "maybe you didn't like the actors in this particular film" or "maybe you did like it and you were just too anxious about the possibility of being bi to like it."

I tell myself things like "maybe I need to watch gay porn with an open mind just to see if I REALLY like it." I just can't seem to convince myself that I'm completely straight. It doesn't matter that I never liked a guy before or that I never found guys sexually attractive. It doesn't matter that the sight of a human penis doesn't arouse me. To me, there are lot of "maybes" and "what ifs," and of course the "whys." "Why did you end up kissing two guys to begin with? You're into this, aren't you?"

I love gay and bi people but I don't want to be bi. I don't want to be bi because of the stigma of being bi. There's just a very negative perception about LGBT people, and I'm not sure how being bi would affect my love life.

My girlfriend doesn't know about what happened and I won't tell her. (Because it's unnecessary and one is discreet about their sexual history.) But if it's something as fundamental as my sexuality, then I have to tell her. If I am indeed bi then she has to know. And I'm scared of how she would react because as far as I know, most girls wouldn't want to date a bi guy. There's a misconception that bi people are very promiscuous and are twice as likely to cheat.

It's just that I don't know whether or not I should claim to be bi. I know that i'm not bi because I don't like men, but my mind tells me "what if you do and you're in denial" to which I start muttering "I didn't get a hard-on with Adam and Mike" repeatedly like an obsessed freak. :(

I also keep trying to prove to myself that I like girls for some reason. I've liked girls for as long as I remember, but I find myself questioning even the most fundamental part of my sexuality. My mind tells me "I like girls. I know I like girls. I get a hard-on whenever I'm with a girl. I know I like girls."

Why do I have to constantly prove that to myself? I know it's ridiculous but I can't stop doing it.

HOCD's taken over me. I deeply regret what I did that night because of what it's done to me mentally. At the time it didn't seem like I was doing anything wrong. I did what I did because I was drunk and didn't want to say no to anybody. I wanted to be the nice guy. I wanted my friends to be happy. At the time I just wanted to please Mike and Adam. I didn't want to say no. I know I didn't like it sexually. But my mind would tell me "but maybe you did. Maybe you liked and you don't remember it. Besides, why would you do it to begin with?"

I'm sorry about the super long post, but what can I do to stop these thoughts?

No matter how hard I try, I can never prove to myself that I'm completely straight because my mind keeps asking all these questions. It's tearing me apart and I feel absolutely horrible. I've identified as straight for the longest time and now I've got this whole issue  to deal with. I feel like a mess. Please help me. I'd like some advice on dealing with this situation.
1 Answers
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1699033 tn?1514116733
Hi there.  First let me say that I'm not a doctor but rather someone who suffers from OCD and actually had the thought "Am I a lesbian?" at one point and I was married at the time.  It was all part of my irrational thought process.  I was goling from one thing to the next at the time.  

You know what I think....we have friends that we care about.  You have straight, bisexual and gay friends.  You know what..good for you because you really don't care about that stuff.  In my view there was a combination of things happening that night.  You were all drunk therefore your inhibition that would normally be there was out the window, there was a girl involved and I'm sure she was a turn-on for you, the fact that it was a three-way leading into a four-way was probably in the back of your mind pretty cool, and you just went with the flow.  But who did you end up with in the end?  You ended up with the girl.  The fact that you are putting up so much of a fight regarding being bisexual or not really speaks volumes to me.  Do you think your bisexual friends are putting up this kind of a fight with themselves?  I'm guessing not...I'm guessing they just know it and accept it because they are truly bisexual.  

You see...the more we test ourselves, fight the thoughts, etc the worse it becomes for us.  You end up on the never-ending loop of what-ifs that it is hard to know what is real anymore.  If I were to sit and watch a straight porn movie...there is more than likely going to be girl-on-girl action.  Say I were to have an orgasm during the girl-on-girl part of the movie...does that make me gay?  No it doesn't.  It is the content that is the turn-on.  The turn-on for you, I think, was the fact that it was a three-some/four-some and your "no-way" voice was dimished by the alcohol.  So honestly, I don't think you have anything to worry about.  You may want to have a talk with your friends and let them know that while you did go along that night, it is really not your thing.  This way they won't try it again and you won't have to start from square one again.  I'm old now but I remember what it was like to be in my twenties and the really stupid stuff I did when alcohol was involved.  

You have been battling this thought for a while now and you may want to think about visiting a counselor or psychologist to talk about this.  Sometimes we need that outside intervention to help us get past the hang-ups in our own minds.
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1699033 tn?1514116733
Somewhere in, MD