This may be quite long but I'm literally on the verge of suicidal thoughts! I really need some advice from someone who is cured of HOCD and how they did it! I've had it for about 5 months now.
Firstly I'm an 18 year old female and I've always fancied & been out with/been happily attracted to/had sex with males and enjoyed every minute of it. I've slept with 10 different boys and have always been happy with it. However, since the age of about 15 I discovered lesbian porn and began watching a lot of it and masturbating to it because I have always had a huge sex drive. I always knew that I never wanted it to be reality as I wasn't interested in girls in that way, and I understood that it was strictly pleasure. Saying that, I have always managed to get off to straight and gay (men) porn too, lesbian porn has just been more enjoyable for me and allowed me to climax faster.
However, one day when I just turned 18 I knew a lot of people who had come out as being gay - even women who had been married before. I then sat and wondered to myself 'if I always watch lesbian porn and like the look of a womans body does that make me bisexual/gay?' however I didn't want that to be true because the thought of being in a long term relationship with a woman just isn't me! I then googled my situation and came across a lot of straight women who watched and enjoyed lesbian porn, however one answer stood out to be which said 'if you are sexually attracted to men and women that makes you bisexual.' I then burst into tears and ran downstairs to my mum to explain it all, in which she said that I'm looking too deep into it.
I've had a long term boyfriend through all of this and our relationship has gone from being really really good to haunted by this HOCD. I am constantly crying around him, researching online to reassure myself that I'm not gay, waking up in the middle of the night due to nightmares about me being a lesbian, etc. I can remember when I used to be happy before all this came about, and thats where I want to be again. I wished I never discovered lesbian porn. If I watch any porn now its either straight or gay (men).
Now my whole life is a misery. I have not watched lesbian porn since because it pains me now and makes me feel sick and worries me about being a lesbian. I hate meeting up with any girls by myself and after a night out I will never sleep in the same bed as someone of the same sex because I just feel awfully awkward it's unreal. As well as this, I never watch programmes on the TV which involves lesbians because it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable - also if a naked woman comes on the screen I have to shut my eyes because it sickens me to look. I even find it hard to look at myself naked in the mirror because I can't bare to look at my naked lady parts.
I've always had low confidence and self esteem and have never liked the way I look, therefore I've always compared myself to other pretty girls. However, since this HOCD came about I've started having unwanted and uncomfortable sexual thoughts about these girls that I compare myself to. It makes me feel sick to think I have thoughts like that and I cry quite a lot - sometimes upto 10 times a day. I have even thought about killing myself quite regularly over this, because I would rather do that than live a lesbian life. Even when a friend who's a girl hugs me makes me feel uncomfortable now. This is runing my life.
I love having sex with my boyfriends, but there are stages where I turn it down quite a lot in case an unwanted lesbian thought comes into my mind. I love my boyfriend so much and can't imagine my life without him, and it pains me to think that I'm making him miserable. He even said that if it bothers me so much that he would experiment with me in a threesome with another girl, but I turned it down because I don't want to as I can imagine it being awkward for me. Also, I don't want to incase I like it and therefore will have to lead a lesbian life which is my worse nightmare.
I'm constantly scared for the future as I sometimes think this won't go away until I try having sex with a girl which I really don't want to. I seriously cannot imagine being in a long term relationship with a woman, it just doesn't interest me in the slightest as it's just not me. I have never been interested in anything like that. This is why it confuses me as to why I have horrible thoughts like I do. :(
I went to see a counsellor for a couple of months and he said I'm getting pleasure and sexuality mixed up too much which is common. He said that I have a fear of becoming homosexual and therefore my behaviour about reassuring myself that I am hetrosexual is obsessive. He told me to start writing poetry which helps sometimes. I have weeks where I'm fine and HOCD doesn't bother me and I'm very happy with life and my boyfriend, and then I have weeks where HOCD comes back to haunt me and makes my life a misery. It causes me to feel extremely depressed and makes me lose interest in absolutely everything.
I feel like I have to fight these lesbian thoughts and everything all the time because I just don't feel like myself anymore which upsets me because I used to be a really happy and bubbly person. It also upsets me because I feel so comfortable and loved around my boyfriend and I want my full attention to be on our relationship instead of this stupid HOCD. I want a normal life with my boyfriend - a family and kids. I don't want to be gay even in the tinyest bit. I would rather die.
But my mind always tells me different, I always have sickening, unwanted thoughts about being with a woman and having sex with a woman and it pains me so much. I start getting anxious about going out in public and seeing other women, and I feel extra uncomfortable around lesbians & when they look at me. I seriously don't understand all this because I have never wanted to have a relationship with a woman. In the past I have always said I'd experiment with a girl just for the pleasure side of it, but now I wouldn't even do that because this whole HOCD thing has freaked me out so much. I'm also failing in college because I can't concentrate on my work anymore because of this.
My counsellor said that because I've been bullied my whole life by girls, and now I finally have friends which are girls who accept me for who I am which I'm happy about, it encourages my lesbian thoughts. He said I just missed female company, which I agree with. I just want these thoughts to go because they're making my life unbearable. I honestly wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. I just want to be happy like I used to, concentrate on my relationship and move forward in life and feel myself again.
I also make a habit of paying attention to my groin area when I see a naked woman on TV or in a magazine or something to see if it flutters, and when it does I feel sick to my stomach and it upsets me. Plus I saw an answer on yahoo and someone said there is no such thing as HOCD, i'm either a lesbian or bi and i should just accept it. Truth is, the thought of me being lesbian/bi doesn't feel right at all, therefore I am against accepting myself as either of those.
When I watched lesbian porn I always said I would experiment with a girl - just to see what it was like - but I knew far well experimenting was as far as it would go. I wasn't even sure if I would enjoy it or not, I just wanted to see what it was like. Now any thoughts like that repulse me and scare the hell out of me and I hate them being in my head. I believe to be spiralling into servere depression over the thought of me being anything but straight.
I would really appreciate it if anyone who has suffered from HOCD and got over it can give me any tips? As you can see my life is shockingly bad right now and I don't know how much more I can take. Please help, I am desperate :( .