HOCD or Am I bi?

[CrazyCanadian]

I had a thought that ask me "what if you are gay/bi?" and I got really scared. I'm 13 and a guy. I always loved women since I was little. My first crush was a girl in kindergarten. I have a bit of an OCD problem since my 13th birthday. I had this "gay/bi" question before in December. After 2 weeks of obsessing over it , it went away and continued my straight life. Some days I'm like yeah im straight but some days it is like are you really sure you are attracted to girls. What scared me lately is that my brain is telling me all guys are attractive and it pisses me off. When my HOCD doesn't start I can watch a movie without my brain telling me is that person attractive and I naturally notice hot women.

What scares me the most is that people said that 13 is young and that is normally when you discover you are gay or bi. People also told me that they wasted their life stressing about this and later turned gay/bi. When I think of this my stomach drops. I get super stressed. Lately I don't get stressed because I try to ignore them. My problem is that I won't be happy just stressing all my life. I can notice when I a guy looks good but I won't want to kiss him or have sex with him. My brain tells me I do. The truth is if I had a chance to have gay sex secretly I would turn it down because I don't like sucking dicks or touching other dicks. Im scared that Im 13 and people tell me that Im young and still can turn bi/gay. People say I haven't figured out my sexuality. I know Im staight !!!! I always have been. People say that puberty shows you our real sexuality and Im scared. Please help me!!!

I defeated this horror a year ago but I don't know why it came back. Im really depressed and I dont want my vacations to be ruined. Dont tell me Just accept you're bi without a valid explanation. I have lately obsessed throught a lot of questions. Once one ends another starts. Please tell me what my sexuality is and please help me!!!!

[CrazyCanadian]

Sorry I just read it wrong.

[johnlords]

No lol? What do you mean...I'm trying to help you with something I went through as well

[CrazyCanadian]

I'm doing fine. Wait are you gay?

[johnlords]

I went through the same thing as you when I was maybe around 15 years old. So maybe I can help you..

I always knew I was straight since I was like 5 years old. Later on when I got a bit older I would have mad random erections when I would hug a girl or dance with one etc..I knew I was def not gay..

Then same thing as you happened, I kept always thinking I might be bi-sexual, I would only watch lesbian porn so there wouldn't be no dicks etc.. (sorry for the language).

It kind of slowed me down with girls in high school, I never had a girlfriend till later on in college, etc.

My OCD towards gay stuff kinda slowed down when I was in late highschool and I had friends who would talk about porn and gangbangs and doing threesomes with 1 girl and another guy and I was thinking to myself:

''those are normal guys who have sex in front of each other (with girls but while the other is in the same room/watching), watching normal guy on girl porn like there's no tomorow''

If that was me doing that I would have anxiety attack like crazy cuz I would be scared that it was gay so I asked my buddy ''Don't you think it's gay to have a threesome with a girl and another guy'' and his answer was ''It's not gay unless you touch the guy''....

And that phrase always stuck in my head and I kind of had a huge relief when he told me that.

Also one thing that might helped you that I figured out later on when I was pretty much cured that I would of loved to have processed at the height of my OCD was:

Let's say you go to the zoo and you see a cute animal like a Lion or a monkey, it dosen't make you gay to them. Even if you think about it as much as you want. Your brain is not gonna switch into making you gay with animals LOL...

Try this too: Think about something you don't like: Now if you think about it over and over about it and obsess about it it's not gonna make you like it any better. Same goes with guys...

So basically my escape from HOCD was:

Even if you WOULD find guys attractive, even if you WOULD have erections besides guys, even if YOU WERE ACTUALLY BISEXUAL, one thing remains:

YOU'RE NOT GAY UNLESS YOU ENGAGE INTO GAY STUFF.

Hope this helps, it helped me, I'm sure it also helps when you get older, you don't care about sex as much as when your a teen (I'm 24 now), and you don't care much about what people think, so I'm sure you will get through it.

If you have anymore questions let me know

[CrazyCanadian]

I keep changing moods thought. On etime I feel straight and then my brain tells me I'm gay.

[CrazyCanadian]

Thank you

[rachel9756]

if you ever need support message me on pm

[CrazyCanadian]

I know like ohh he is handsome but, everytime I freak out about it

[lily168]

My counsellor said it was normal for teens to encounter these thoughts, if u notice a guy - oh hes handsome - oops does that mean im gay?
not at all!!
OCD just makes u freak out about it!

[rachel9756]

OMG by mackelmore?? me too. the lyrics threw made me anxious. but mackelmore thought he was gay because of stereotypes people have of gay people, and he realized he wasnt and he even says so in the song. And I dont think so, people get curious at this age because of hormones. I'm 16, and when I was 13 didn't doubt my sexuality. If  you had never had attractions to the same sex, you're not bi. but I dont want to reassure you. Well, I compare this to smoking. Just because I thought of smoking makes me a smoker? Or want to become one? No. Its not what I want and its unhealthy. Use this towards your ocd.

[CrazyCanadian]

Thanks really appreciate you guys for helping me. I usually go out to the movies or play ball hockey and soccer at this time of year. I still doubt myself sometimes. What really made me feel bad yesterday is I saw the Same Love music video. Really made me feel stressed because my brain told me this is how I feel like. I'm over it now. I still feel different every like day. One day I feel happy and straight and then sad and think I'm bi. Also people told me once that 13 is a normal age to discover I'm gay/bi even thought I don't feel that way.

[lily168]

if it started off as HOCD its just HOCD getting worse!

you gotta break that thought pattern cycle, its gonna be tough, but u need to respond to the thoughts by saying 'i know its not true'

[rachel9756]

thanks for your reply, its good to know that you seem to know that this is all ocd, and not reality. i also have a tip for getting these thoughts off your mind. go for runs, exercise listen to music. it realeases serontonin which makes you happy, and you dont have to worry about irrational thoughts. btw keep me posted on how you're doing! and exactly. focus on other things. spend time with friends, watch movies have fun!  you're young kiddo.

[CrazyCanadian]

I did one session and didn't really like it.

[CrazyCanadian]

Thanks Rachel.
I have some friends that are girls. Some dress very girly and some dress more manly. There is a girl I know who plays soccer and she acts like a guy and stuff but, she has a crush on Brad Pitt. That makes her straight. I don't worry what other people tell me. I just have a problem convincing my brain to stop with the thoughts.  If you think you are straight it doesn't matter what others tell you. I am making good progress. What makes me feel better lately is to stop thinking about sexuality. Don't think about hot girls or in your case guys. Just  forget about it. I had this thought half a year ago and that is how I got rid of it. This time the thought is 5 times stronger. It is horrible to have HOCD but, everything bad always comes to an end.

[JGF25]

Our sexuality is part of our chemical make-up.  We are born a certain way.  You don't just wake up one day and your sexuality has changed.  So if you weren't gay growing up then you cannot possibly be gay now.  CrazyCandian...you are taking a very ordinary thing (comparing ourselves to others of the same sex) and making it into something it is not.  This is because you don't have the right tools to help yourself get out of this mode of thinking.  You need to see a professional.  

[rachel9756]

hi, im a girl and im going through the same thing as you. buddy, if you had straight thoughts since kindergarten, what do you think that makes you? i have this too, and its killing me. i dont want to reassure you that youre not gay, because reassurance isnt good. im kind of in a worse situation as you  because my parents used to always think i was a lesbian by the way i dressed and such and i paid it no attention but now i am. ocd is a lie. i used to have ocd about having cancer, i htought i had a tumor in my brain and i would get "headaches" and such, and i realized i was cancer free.  talk to a therapist. it will help you trust me.

[CrazyCanadian]

Today I feel bad and that made me have a huge HOCD spike. Lately my brain tells me to judge every man even thought normally I wouldn't normally notice them. I feel like it isn't HOCD anymore!!

[lily168]

Sorry i meant, Stress drives OCD!

[lily168]

Yeah OCD drives stress, so hopefully lack of exams improves that! :D

[CrazyCanadian]

I haven't had OCD since late 2012.

Also I have been stressing over exams and such. Now I have less stress because they have cancelled all of our exam finals due to the floods.

[lily168]

I read a book called Break Free from OCD, I found it was really useful - and I am the kind of person who thinks 'yeah sure this book isnt really gonna make a difference,' but what it did was help my understanding of OCD so i realised why I was thinking in these cycles, and why i had to stop doing the behaviours that reinforce the ocd....like checking behaviours tell our subconcious there is something to be worried about.

My counsellor said my OCD thoughts might hang on there for some time, but at least the power of them has lessened and I can function normally, and Im not checking as much or researching about stuff I worried about. She said i'll still probably do some checking but its bcs right now its helping me to deal with the worries, but eventually the checking will get less and less over time, but we just have to be patient. 'checking' can also be 'mental checking' like thinking about the thing as you have been doing!

[CrazyCanadian]

Thanks
You have been great!! So has JGF25!!
I really believe it is an OCD chain. Where I go from thought to thought. I hope I can live with this normally. Are there any tips to make my OCD less distracting or harsh?

[lily168]

Yep those OCD thoughts sometimes stop when we replace them with something else!

If you wanna keep in touch just send me a private message, it can help to have a bit of support :D