HOCD or am i in denial of being gay or bi

[jay780]

I'm a 18 year old male and about a month ago i was watching this video on YouTube and it had a transsexual on it so then i started to wonder what it looked like so i went and watched transsexual porn and got aroused and masturbated after that i started to think to myself if i was gay so i went and tried to watch gay porn and all it did was freaked me out before i would just think of women all day and think about having sex with them and now i keep getting these thoughts in my head about men and it scares me it's like i can't get these thought out of my head I've always been attracted to women and aroused by women it's like now i can't even be around my guy friends without thinking if im attracted to them it makes me so uncomfortable i feel like im going crazy im a really depressed person I've never gotten over things i always over think everything this just won't get out of my head it's really scaring me im still a virgin and i don't want my first time to be with a man all I've ever wanted was a wife and kids i just can't see myself with a man and i know some of you are going to say im in denial but how can i be in denial if I've never liked men nor have i ever wanted to be with men the more i think of this the more i start to get scared and believe it im afraid to go outside now i don't have anything against gay people i just don't think that is the life for me i feel like im losing my mind in the past I've thought about committing suicide because of depression and every time i try to think about losing my virginity to a women now i think to myself what if i don't like it these thoughts are really messing with my head and freaking me out I've never even been attracted to men all these thought are just making me depressed i still love women i just don't know what's going on with me i also think to myself what if i finally get married and have kids and these thoughts come back also when i was little like 8 year old me and another boy touched each other privates this makes me also depressed because i can't get that memory out of my head either alot of people are on yahoo said im bi curious but i don't really get that i mean how can i be bi curious if I've never had any desire to be with men before i saw the transsexual porn i used to look at guys and just think of them as just guys nothing more now it's this constant thought of am i attracted to this guy because i am looking at him sure i've seen attractive guys but i never wanted to be with them i just wanted to be like them sometimes i calm down and know im straight because I've always been attracted to girls even before the incident happened when i was 8 I've never even pictured myself with a man and now i try and think of situations with men i never get an erection i just get this weird feeling like i shouldn't be doing it and i get scared in start to shake my head i just don't know what to do anymore i don't want to experiment and i don't want to be bi curious i just want to be me who i was before i saw transsexual porn so is this HOCD or am i just in denial of being gay or bi?

[JGF25]

Two sisters have OCD as well and sometimes we will tell each other the thoughts we have had over the years and let me tell you, we laugh are ***** off.  

[JGF25]

No, quite the opposite...I believe you think it absurd and so what is not to laugh about?  It's not you.  

CBT, which is what the book will teach you, is not something you learn and master overnight.  You go through the chapters, do the worksheets, and commit to getting better.  It takes time and practice but don't you think you are worth it?  

[jay780]

I meant does that mean i like it

[jay780]

I read it and it is very informative but i don't think all the info will stay in my head and can you explain to me why im started to laugh at these gay thoughts it's like when i  say im gay or bi just to see how i feel i start to laugh why would i laugh at this does that me i like it?

[JGF25]

First of all suicide is not the answer to anything. The problem is that unchecked OCD can lead to depression or make depression worse. Go to Amazon and search for The OOD workbook: Your Guide To Breaking Free of OCD. You can click on it to look inside. Look at the Table of contents and find the section on HOCD. It might not use the word HOCD so read carefully. I think this book will help you. The whole book since it teaches you how to help yourself using CBT. Let me know what you think after looking at it.

[jay780]

if i talk to them and i don't want to talk to my school counselor they wouldn't even know what to do it just feels like im attracted to every guy because all the groinal response also i keep getting thoughts of me kissing boys now it just feels so wrong but in my thoughts i eel like i want to punch the guy another thing is that there is this homosexual boy in my class  and i keep getting thoughts of him also he is always talking about how every guy at school is  gay or bi and they are trying to hide it now every time somebody says gay or bi i feel like im hiding something I've even thought about commiting suicide today because  the thoughts and attractions feel so real im a really depressed person i've thought about committing suicide many of times  even befor i got HOCD because i didn't know how to talk to people especially girls i've always been very shy around them and i still am    I've spent most of my teens inside my room because im scared what will happen if i go somewhere and now that im 18 i feel even more depressed cause i feel like I've wasted my teen years ugh i just feel so depressed and now that i have HOCD it makes my depression worst

[JGF25]

Do you mean currently they assume you are gay or if you talk to them, they will assume you are gay?  How about a school counselor?

[jay780]

I really don't want to talk to my parents about this they just assume im gay an coming out of the closet and i cant afford a  psychologist

[JGF25]

You need to see a psychologist. It is hard to deal with this stuff when you haven't been taught what to do. Can't you talk to your parents? Even to say that you have anxiety and would like to talk to someone?

[jay780]

I've tried to not over analyze but it's so hard and now the thoughts are feeling more real and so are the groinal responses i  feel like im really becoming bisexual every male i see in my school i get scared because i feel like i am going to kiss them or something i scares me i can't even feel comfortable around my guy friends anymore and my love for women feels like it's slipping away i barely even think about women anymore which makes me so depressed sometimes  when i start to think about sexual things with men i start to laugh a little at it which is scaring me also im trying to stop watching porn and masturbating because porn is the main reason i started thinking like this in the first place and i used to wacth it everyday  i really hope that i can get over this because i feel if i don't i will just  go crazy i really miss my old self when i never questioned my sexuality because i just knew i was straight now it's just me thinking about sexual situations with men an being uncomfortable

[JGF25]

Jay..you have posted the same thing like three times. What have you done for yourself since our first conversation?