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HOCD or bi/denial? Please please help!!

Hello, I’m a 20 year old female. I’ll give a background story. Ever since I was little I’ve always liked boys, dated boys and have done sexual things with boys. When I was in kindergarten I did have a girl bestfriend and we’d act like “boyfriend and girlfriend” we kissed but I was also five years old and I never felt anything at the time and I stopped being friends with her because I just became uncomfortable. Ever since then, I’ve never done anything with any females. I kissed a girl once at a party and still felt nothing. The only time I get aroused by the same sex is by lesbian porn. Basically, I’ve been stressing out about possibly being bisexual for over a month now. I keep telling myself “if I was bi, I would’ve known a long time ago” but My mind won’t let me settle. I’m constantly thinking about it. I’ve cried about it. Would someone who was actually bisexual be this upset and stressed out??? Every time I look at a picture of a girl now I get a weird feeling in my stomach like no matter what it is and I ask myself “am I attracted to her or is this HOCD?” I’ve taken several online hocd tests which all indicate that this is what it is. I’ve had past OCD symptoms where I’d worry I was pregnant when I was a virgin, had stds even though I had no sign or symptoms, thought there were cameras in my house as a child, and now THIS. Whenever I’m not worrying about something, i feel like i have to worry about something else because I’m used to being worried. I just want to stop worrying about being bi. I’ve always been confident in my sexuality, So confident that I could even say “gay” things to my bestfriends like “you look hot” or things like that without stressing. now I don’t even want to hang out with the same sex. It just stresses me out and I would like to know if this is pure denial or HOCD? When i close my eyes and think about doing sexual things with the same sex i get a “groinal feeling” but my stomach and mind just say “ew no” like almost a nauseous feeling. If i was straight, why do i get aroused when i think about same sex situations even though i don’t want to do them? I just want an explanation. Thank you for reading this and Sorry about the length.
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Avatar universal
Also sorry just wanted to add one more thing! I’ve always been confident enough to look at half naked pictures of girls without feeling anything because I always wanted to BE them not with them. Now I can’t even look like any attractive pictures of girls without second guessing myself. I used to be inspired by women but now I fear them in a way because of all this. Thanks again
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Avatar universal
Lets put aside the fact you're not describing OCD, as is so often the case here.  You list a history of phobias, or strong irrational fears, which is an anxiety disorder.  Have you ever considered therapy, as there seems to be a pattern here?  As to the bi thing, maybe you are.  Maybe you aren't.  It might be bothering you so much because something happened somewhere along the line that caused you to become very insecure about yourself.  Some people, for example, when they suffer a bad breakup early in their sexual lives start masturbating compulsively, which convinces them they're gay.  The only reason for this to bother someone is if they have a judgment that being gay or bi is a bad thing, either because of a religious upbringing or some other reason to develop a bias.  The more important thing is that it causes you so much grief and anxiety, and I'd suggest seeing a therapist before it gets worse or spreads to lots and lots of things.  Get this taken care of sooner rather than later.  Again, it doesn't matter if you're gay or bi or straight, it only matters that you're driving yourself nuts over it.  That's what you need to work on.  Peace.
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Avatar universal
Hello! I just wanted to say that I 100% feel what you are going through. I feel as if I just read something that I could’ve wrote myself. I am the same age and never in my life have ever wanted sexual relations with the same sex. I have never had any desire. But since this “hocd” or “phobia” what ever it is started my mind keeps making me constantly check everyone everywhere I go. I can’t hang out either my friends without getting thoughts snd I hate that because I know I’m not attracted to my friends. I feel like my brain is only noticing or paying attention to how girls look or if they are pretty now and I hate that too. It’s says “oh she had nice lips you want to kiss them” when before all of this started I knew I was repulsed by these things, but now all I feel is great anxiety. And now I can’t even think of guys because my mind says “it feels the same” and then I get extreme anxiety again. I hate this so much because I knew I was straight before all of this. But now my mind makes me feel as if my who like had been a lie. This has been the worst year of my life. My heart aches because anytime I think of a girl who is pretty my mind says I feel attraction. I can’t do anything without this **** popping into my head. It makes it feel so real that my heart just aches because I don’t want this. But the thoughts seem so real anymore I just feel lost. My mind says “this is who you are now, you want to think like this and do these things, you know that feeling is attraction” when really I know it’s just anxiety. I hate this all and I cannot wait for it to end. I hope you are feeling better and have been able to overcome this a little bit.
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Sometimes it feels like I can be living my life and the thoughts pop up and when I don’t freak out my mind tells me it’s because I want these things snd I hate that because I know I don’t want them. The thoughts just won’t stop sometimes. I hate how it makes me feel like this is who I am because I know I’m not. This week has been so crazy on top of this and it has just made it worse. I thought I was pregnant and I literally have no money I’m still in college, and it all would have been because of a one night stand with a guy who was the biggest jerk to me afterwords. Lucky I took a test and it was negative but all of that stress on top of this just made me feel so mentally and physically exhausted I can’t even think straight. And I really want to have kids one day, and the fact that I was considering terminating the pregnancy made me question who I am too. I am pro choice 100%. But to think that I seriously was considering termination my own child’s life, just because I didn’t think I was ready. I had no one to turn too or talk to about it and it really just pushed me towards a downward spiral. Life sucks big time rn and I can’t wait for all of this to just go away
My mind also says things like “that’s no way to pleasure someone” when my mind try’s to tell me I would or could do these things and I hate it because I don’t want to do them at all. But my mind saying that gives me this terrible feeling like I could actually do it and I hate that very much. I feel so much remorse and anxiety about these things because my mind makes me feel like this is who I am when I don’t want it. I can think of the thoughts and I feel like I don’t feel repulsed anymore like I used to. It feels like I would be comfortable or something and this gives me so much heart ache and anxiety that I can’t even go on with my day. It makes me want to cry. I’ve never felt sadness like this before. Why does it feel like I could actually do these things now? I hate it so much
I think the biggest thing is that it feels like I could actually do these things now and I hate that so so much. I’ve never wanted any of this before and I think I still don’t but I hate it all still. I think sometimes I am so lonely and have been alone for so long that I miss being intimate and so when I think of these things it’s not the person but just being intimate or something that I want. But my heart still aches thinking that these thought could and feel real sometimes. I hate it all I can’t even express how much my heart aches about how real this feels. It feels like I could want or do these things snd all it does is makes me want to cry. I know I need to see my therapist again but I can’t get over this right now. I don’t want this ****
Like my mind is saying “ it wouldn’t be that bad” and right now it feels like maybe it wouldn’t like I could actually do these things and it makes my heart ache tremendously. It feels like I just need to accept this is who I am when I know I don’t want to do these things. I get this right feeling in my chest. But my mind tells me this is all real and I just can’t let it go when all I want to do is forget about it. But now I’m stuck dwelling on the fact that I had a thought and didn’t feel repulsed just anxiety and I hate it. I hate this. I just want to go away and never come back
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