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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

HOCD or denial ITS Hell

The past week has been absolute hell for me.  I have been thinking that i all the sudden turned gay.  I have a girlfriend now and have had one for 2 years.  The question is in my head 24/7 doesnt stop, am i gay.  I never ever had any sexual feelings towards a man i always noticed a good looking guy who doesnt. im in college for 2 years now and i have had sex with like 4 girls and never thought i wish this was a dude or anything.  Sex now was decreased although i did do it 2 nights ago it felt great. but then the question still comes.  I recently masturbated to lesbian porn about 2 weeks ago and wonder how the hell did this come about.  my mind tells me im gay, its like trying to force me to be gay.  I am willing to accept it but i have never been like this my whole life. i cant take it.  It is like i am loosing attraction to women now because i seem to try so hard to look at them.  I have slept with over 15 girls my life and all the sudden i start thinking like this.  i dont know what it is, i know i will never act on homosexuality i just dont see it right for me.  its like i look up stuff everyday to find relief, but then i try to loook at a girl and dont see it anymore. AHHH help seerious help
23 Responses
Avatar universal
I HAVE EXACTLY THE SAME SYMPTOMS AS YOU!  i need help 24 ******* 7, i dont know about you but when im with my girlfriend and we are doing somthing really good together and its perfect and you realise how much you love her then afterwards it comes right back.!!!!! i need it to go!!!!! do you know anything what gets it out of your head??
Avatar universal
I dont know dude, i am on these forums all the time.  I was at the movies with her and i was grabbing her leg and got a boner and i was like babe were doing it tonight.  but now it is appearing again, im relieved when i talk about it, but who wants to hear it 24/7.  I would defnitaly be willing to accept it if i had questioned it my whole life but damn all the sudden that is not, how i was brought up and came about.  I force myself to eat everyday because i am never hungry.  it ***** dog.  i dont enjoy doing anytime anymore.  i read peoples problems and find some relief.  I think to myself DUDE ARE YOU REALLY GAY COME ON JUST SAY IT, and im no way how come i be.  At first i was looking up on how to please a girl quicker and make her have an orgasm faster, then i looked at erection dysfunction then gay came to my head, and hasnt left for a week.  I read other peoples and say they have had it for years, that scares me even more.  I want my old self back so bad i would do anything for it.  i would look at girls and be like damn i would so you know, now im confused when i look at them. WHAT the hell.  I play soccer and my favorite player is cristiano ronaldo, everyone thinks he goodlooking i do too, but i never thought of kissing him or having sex with him but before i would kim kardashian and think damn i would love to. now i just wanna punch both of them in face because i hate my mind so much.
Avatar universal
I admitt i do get jeolous or see when i think a guy is better looking then i am, but never thought so sh*t i wanna kiss him.  i dont think i will ever get over this. I think to myself how could this happen to me i was fine loving life.  Now i feel like im in my own little world.  i love going to sleep now.  I feel bad for my g/f because she doesnt deserve this sh*t i told her about it because its only fair and she says i know your not gay.  and says i will get over it,  i make her promise me. thats how desperate i feel.
Avatar universal
anyone out there. that can give me some advice. its like im always looking for reinsurance
Avatar universal
anyonee???
Avatar universal
Ok Soccer
it will be ok. I am positive it is OCD. I went through a similar situation and I got through it. It was hard but you cant focus on it- when you focus on this you are only feeding into the anxiety believe me... next time it comes to your head think of something else right away- now it will come back but you just need to keep changing the subject in your head. its exhausting but it works. I dont get the thoughts anymore. I havent had any thoughts since high school. Just remember IT IS YOUR OCD- nothing else. Let that be your focus! Hope this helps Good luck
Avatar universal
thank you. your the ****
Avatar universal
kristen what was your situation. im still having this. its killing me.  im 20 years old never had this problem till now im scared and need more input how can i ever get over this sh*t
Avatar universal
I've had a similar experience and it went away. One time I couldn't get it up with my girlfriend and it started then. Finally it stopped mainly I think because I convinced myself that people don't just turn gay or "catch gayness." If they did then they would be attracted to men they wouldn't be so anxious and confused.
Avatar universal
I know it's crazy though how my mind is just trying to focus on dudes now all the sudden. Trying to say I don't like girls but I had sex with 15 girls my life  and I  know I loved it. and all the sudden I'm questioning myself all day. I don't enjoy doing anything.  I don't have a problem with gay people at all. But I know my whole life I was never like this and Thats why it's so hard to get over and not think about it.  People can't just turn gay can they?  
Avatar universal
Was I lying to myself my whole life.  It's depressing as hel!
Avatar universal
Hey soccer
my situtation was I thought I was becoming a lesbian even though I had always been in love with guys since I was little. I remember having a crush on my daycare teacher Kevin when I was just 4 years old. Ever since then I have been obsessed with boys. In high school I was on the dance team and one day these girls were talking and staring at me and my first thought was that they talking about me and that maybe I was a lesbian. I dont know why that entered my mind and i guess thats why it freaked me out so much. But after that I felt uncomfortable being around my friends especially the "pretty ones" because I was afraid what if I felt something but I never did. But like you I would say what if it was denial what if im lying to myself. I began making myself sick because I was so confused and in my research I looked up girls who were lesbians and when they realized they had were attracted to lesbians. I didn't match anything like them. Thats when I knew it was my OCD. So when the thoughts would come I would sing a song in my head or think of something. Of course the thoughts of "your a lesbian" would come back but then I would just sing a song again and again or think of something else. I would list every guy I have a crush on and the list would be front and back. What you need to do is focus all your energy on something else. When the thoughts come sing your favorite song until it goes away. When it comes back 5 seconds later sing it again. Write down every girl youve slept with or crushed on. Another thing I did which is optional of course because I'm religious is pray about it. The point is focus your energy on other things so when the thoughts come you have something to turn to. Its not easy at all. It took me a couple months but I havent had the thoughts in over 4 years. Good luck
Avatar universal
BTW people can NOT turn gay!!! Remember that!!
Avatar universal
i have done a whole hell of research and there are dudes that become gay at a late stage in there life.  i want my self back so much
Avatar universal
im like telling my self ok w.e your gay. but then im like what i would never have sex with a guy. so what the hell is going on
Avatar universal
i have read some stories that guys realize they are gay.in later years of their lifes and been married.  i dont want to be one of them. at all but my mind is telling me i will like it. its like a circle of thoughts, you would like, no i wouldnt, yes you would.  See you just looked at a attractive guy your gay, you dont find girls hot the way you used to.  But i know even though the images are there i would never act upon it. because it was never me. i never questioned it until now.  more advice from anyone.  my mind is telling me to lay down with a guy and try it, but when im in my normal state of mind im like wtf get out of here. but then the cycle starts again.
Avatar universal
my advice would be try watching gay porn before you become active with a guy or break up with your gf because I really do think this is your OCD. The thing is soccer, those men who get married and then come out- they were always gay and knew it they just didnt want be with a man because it would embarrass their family or they came from strict home or whatever. From what I can tell you have never had a sexual attraction to a man before. Its OK to think a guy is attractive. I think girls are pretty but I that doesnt make me a lesbian. I know this is stressful but try to not stress- I have gay friends and they always knew they gay since they little so I really think this is just your OCD.
Avatar universal
i have watched it and i cant, my heart rate goes way up.  when i tried it like 3 days ago.  and i dont want to watch it again.  i want nothing to do with it because it has never was been me.  but my attraction to women and sex drive is down like its never been.  i really dont want any part of being gay, i really dont.  i use to have no problem with gay people. either.  my whole life hasnt been like this so i cant allow myself to get watch any porn it just isnt me.. i realy dont care if anyone knows thats not the part.  I have always crushed on girls. and loved them soo much. i remember i was in summer camp and i loved my consuler so much i would cry when summer camp ended i was like 7 yrs old. its really hard to say but i rather be depressed and have this ocd then be gay.
Avatar universal
i told my family and they were like if your gay your gay its ok we still love you, but im like no i cant i just cant. it has never been me
Avatar universal
Guys sex drive decreases all the time. Guys don't become gay unless there are some major hormonal changes like way later on your testosterone level falls (when you're like 55 or 60) as a guy and that can affect stuff.

This sounds very classic ocd or anxiety. The thing is the more you stress out about it the harder it will be to be comfortable enough for sex. As it is right now you're attracted to neither sex it sounds like which is understandable because you're stressing out really bad. When this happened to me it was really scary and the only way I got over it was to just not think about sex at all one way or the other for a while, and then when those thoughts hit you just think "it's my ocd it's my ocd it's my ocd it's my ocd."

Think about it. If you experiment with a guy and don't like it your ocd mind will still try to trick you and say "it's because i'm repressed it's because i'm lying to myself. or i would like it if i wasn't so ashamed about being gay or whatever" this is essentially what happened when you watched gay porn right? you didn't like it but you're still freaking out. so that's obviosly not the road to go down.

So just be honest with your girlfriend and tell her you're freakin out and you need to see a psychiatrist about possible ocd and might not be able to have sex for a while. you gotta gotta be honest with her.

and this **** gets better. Also just let yourself relax about it too. Say to yourself "even if i was gay (which i don't think you are from the sound of it) then I am obviously at least bi-sexual since i've been with so many girls and loved it. And if i'm bisexual i can happily be with a girl and i won't have to have sex with guys if i don't feel like it (which you won't because you're not gay). If I'm bisexual I can continue to live my life as i always have since i'm at least attracted to girls too. (which you obviously are because you've had crushes on girls all your life) and if I'm bi and that doesn't affect me at all in any way then who gives a **** since even if i was bi (which you'll eventually realize you aren't) i could go my whole life without anyone knowing and without having to sleep with men and without having to be gay in general" This way if a "what-if" thought comes into your head you can be like "whatever I don't care it doesn't affect me one way or the other" and they will lose their power over you.
Avatar universal
Soccer,
DavidY is completely 100 % RIGHT ! My boyfriends sex drive goes up and down depending if hes stressed. And considering you are beyond your stressing point it is no wonder that you have no interest in having sex. But dont beat yourself up about it. And kudos to you for not turning to porn constantly- girls like a guy who dont watch porn 24/7. ;) Anyways if you look at the OCD board it sounds like a lot of people are going through this too. DavidY is also right about experimenting with a guy- I am 100% sure you will not like it and then youll be questioning yourself even more. The best thing for you to do is to "change the subject" in your head. You can say its " its just my OCD" over and over again-which I have done. You can sing a short song. You can memorize a couple of bible verses and say them. Whatever brings you comfort. Those all brought me comfort. And believe me the thought of "well what if you are a lesbian" came back as soon as changed the subject but then I just sang another song or said another bible verse. This went on for about a month and half and then it stopped. I know you can do this soccer you just need to focus.
Avatar universal
thank you guys. i have told my girlfriend. she loves me so much.she sticks by me the whole way. its just so depressing because 2 weeks ago i loved her to death couldnt stop kissing her and making love all the time. then since this happen its all confusing like what would i like to do.. i just cant think of sex your right all i do is think of sex. trying to see what i like and it makes it all that more confusing.  everyone i have told is behind me. but its like i need to know for 100% or somehting in order for me to go back to the way i was. i miss that so much at this point in my life.  thanks for your time guys. i really hope this doesnt last much longer.
Avatar universal
hi david i need your help im a 18 year old boy and i've always liked girls my whole life i'venever been attracted to a man before and im also on the same boat as most of these people ive tried looking at pictures of gay men and i dont feel aroused by it at all and then i close the window i mean i notice that there are atractive guys and like these gay thoughts keep on popping into my head sometimes i even stare of and i catch myself looking at a crotch and i say ew no and my mind goes see you are gay and like i fantasize about women all the time even last night and i was erected and i wanted to find that girl and you know have sex with her and then but before that i was stressed with this like what if you were gay and i was so scared after that i thought to myself maybe your bi curious but then right after that i felt like hitting on a women and i felt very straight i've never had a girl friend before never lost my first kiss and now im scared that i could be gay i always dream about women that i've liked in the past i was once also confused in freshmen year but then it all went away when i fell for this girl and now its come back since i've thought about this so much i was starting to say hey maybe you do like men and like i was starting to approve men but i still cant come out and say that im gay because somethings holding me back i've talked to my friends and family members most of them say that i was always a homophobic but i've never tested myself for ocd could  this be a sign of hocd  i mean ive reasearched this alot and seeing that people come out at an older age makes me even more scared and also when these images pop up in my head i get a weird face and when i look at gay men pictures my heart beats really fast but i dont like it when i finally came to my senses i was like dude wth were you thinking you would never go gay for a guy man and i would never spend my life with a man but that night my brain told me why are you lying? and now im back to this cycle and im very worried i dont even eat alot because of this stress i feel like this stress is killing me and its like wow just end my life now i mean its ok to be gay i accept gay people but i feel like its just not me my friends say that im lonely so what should i do should i go out and get myself a girlfriend? im also known as an over thinker
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