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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

HOCD or denial? Please answer!

I'm 15 years old. So far, I have never doubted my sexuality. In 6th grade, this girl told us she was a lesbian and I started freaking out that people would think I was a lesbian because I hanged out with her. It started then. I started worrying that EVERYONE thought I was a lesbian. I have always liked boys. I get shy and hyper around boys I like. I'm attracted to them. I have never liked a girl that way. I have never wanted to kiss a girl or anything like that. Sometimes I do think girls are pretty, but isn't that normal? I've been paranoid lately. I remember when I was 6-7 years old my best friends and I were playing this game and I was playing the guy. I don't remember if I was chosen or if I wanted to. I keep thinking back to my childhood, remembering if I did any "lesbian" things. I also remember that when I was in 1st grade in gym boys and girls were seperated and I cried when the teacher wanted to put me with both boys and girls. My role models have always been girls. I don't know why. I really want to get married to a man and have children with him. I have been super scared that I might end up with a girl, but I don't want that! I keep thinking about this and I can barley breathe anymore. I keep telling myself" I have HOCD, I'm not in denial." Sometimes I admit I'm a lesbian, but take it back really fast. I don't know what to do. My friend thinks it's weird that a lot of the guys I like have "girly" faces. is that a bad thing? I also really want a boyfriend. I want to be in a romantic relationship. When I hear people talk about their boyfriend/girlfriends, I get sort of weird. i don't know why. I also get weird when people talk about gay people. Not offended, but really weird. I feel like I'm loosing it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a lesbian. Also, know that I have never been kissed or been in a relationship. Never been asked out either. I want my first kiss to be with a guy though. Sometimes I think that certain things I do might come off as lesbian.Right now, I think there's a rumor about me being a lesbian but I'm not sure. Nobody has come up to me or anything. I get freaked out that I don't have HOCD and it's just denial. I have looked up the symptoms and I pretty much match all of them but some not. I'm 15 and I don't find penies attractive. Is that bad? I don't find naked man attractive. I do want to have sex with a guy though.

One last thing, i was taking this "straight or lesbian" quiz and the question: You are being hit on by two people: one female, one male. The woman is extremely attractive, The man is average looking. Who do you have sex with with (if you had to have sex with one of them) bugged me a lot. I actually stopped and thought about it. I have not been diagnosed with OCD yet but I have taken many screening tests online, and I always get 80%. This lesbian thoughts thing happened to me out of nowhere for the first time in December and then it went away when I got backed to school and was distracted. Now I'm in summer and it's back. I have read that people who have HOCD can't control it and it doesn't go away. Why did it go away for me for almost 6 months?

The thing is, I know, deep down, that I am straight. I have never felt emotionally attracted to any girls in my life so far. Like I said up there, I keep replaying my childhood looking for any "lesbian" things but my memory isn't that great. I keep obssesing my parents probably thought I was a lesbian all along. I get this weird thoughts all the time and then I obsses about them for days. My parents don't know about any of this. I have told my mom about the OCD but she doesn't want to believe me. I feel like if I don't get help soon, I will completely loose it. My biggest fear is turning into a lesbian and getting married with a girl. God, I don't want that to happen! It grosses me out, not that I have anything against gay people. I just don't want that for me. All I want is to get married to a man and have children with me. I pray to God every night to make these thoughts go away. I want to be normal like everyone else around me but I don't know how to.  What should I do? Is it HOCD or denial?
60 Responses
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  First of all you are 15 so no need to rush into anything here just to get closure on this thought.  That is all it is anyway.  Just a thought that has popped into your head.  Now you are analyzing everything in your life to answer the question "Am I a lesbian or not."  Well think about it this way.  If you were a lesbian, you wouldn't be fighting the thought would you?  You would just accept it and move on.  The fact that you are fighting it tells me you are definitely not a lesbian.  And yes, girls look at other girls as a comparison.  At my age I still look at women...I want to look as good as the next 47 year old!  So that isn't ever going to go away LOL

You are at that age when people say things that really don't mean anything at all but when you have OCD, and I'm not diagnosing you because I'm not a doctor, but let's just say you did have it, we tend to blow everything out of proportion and take it to the nth horrible degree.  

I will be honest with you and tell you that I too thought I was gay once and at the time I was married.  It is just a common thought that a lot of OCD people have at one time or another.  It is a life changer and those are the thoughts that tend to stick in our brains like a bad dream.  

So rest assured that you are not gay.  Don't take what your friends say to heart..."you like guys with girly faces"...that is just stupid.  Be the wonderful self that you are and move on.  As I said before, don't do anything stupid just to prove this thought as false.  You just have to know it and live your life.  I wouldn't want to see you doing something stupid at 15.  Your time with guys will come.  I'm guessing you just graduated 9th grade?  Plenty of time for boys in your life.  Just wait and see...one will come along that knocks you for a loop.  

Take care and just be 15.  
Avatar universal
JGF25,

thank you so much. I feel so calmed right now, you don't even know. I just wanted to ask you something. When I was reading your comment, and you said "You are not gay" I felt this BIG relief and I was really glad, but at the same time some part of my brain felt...I don't know, sad? I don't know if that is HOCD. Which is weird because I know I don't want want to be lesbian. My brain is just annoying. I do know I don't want to be lesbian and that I am straight, but the other half is bullying me about it.
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
I tell people that OCD should really be renamed OMG for Obsessive Mind Game.  That is what this is.  We are playing tricks on ourselves...how stupid is that but if we could turn it off, we would.  

People think weird things all the time and they are able to let them go.  When it gets to the point that you can't let the thoughts go, then it may be time to seek out the help of a psychologist.  If you saw somebody, they could tell you whether you have OCD or not or maybe just some anxiety.  From there they can help you learn to cope with the thoughts, how to get rid of them and what to do when anxiety does arise.  

The next time this thought comes into your mind...try the following.  Imagine a red handle in your head and imagine yourself pulling it toward you and say "STOP" in your head.  Keep pulling that handle even if you have to do it 10 times.  Then start controlled breathing...take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count that out in your head.  Then let it all out through your mouth.  You can do controlled breathing in any situation and nobody will even know you are doing it.  After a few minutes your heart rate will come back down to normal and then you can think straighter.  

Don't beat yourself up for something that isn't your fault.  You didn't wake up one day and ask to have these thoughts.  They just are and you need to find ways to let them go.  
Avatar universal
I really want to talk to my parents about the OCD, but like I said, my mom won't believe me. I don't know why. I have cried to get three times but she won't budge. She thinks it's normal. Thanks for the advice. I will do that whenever I get those thoughts!
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
If it continues then you need to get your mom to understand.  Ask her to take you to your regular doctor so that you can tell him/her what is going on.  They can then be the mediator between you and your mom.  When it comes from a doctor it is a whole different story than when it comes from a teenager.  If you were my child, you would be at the psychologist's office but that is because I understand the disorder because I have it.  People that don't have the disorder...well it is hard for them.  It really isn't their fault.  I mean they can just turn it off and simply don't understand why we cannot.  Don't be mad at your mom.  If the techniques I gave you don't work and you are absolutely miserable, then tell her you don't feel well and want to go to the doctors.  

Take care and of course you can post on here anytime...I'm not going anywhere :)  
Avatar universal
I told my sister last night and I think she's going to tell my mom. I think that if she sees how my sister acted like night, she might give in. I have a question. I was talking to some people who also have HOCD and they told me that they feel uncomfortable around the same sex. I don't feel uncomfortable around them though. When I see them I just feel indifferent, the same way I feel when I see a guy I'm not attracted to. When I see guys that I like/think are attractive, I just get all weird and sweaty. Is that normal? I also get weird when I see a lot of couples, I don't even know why. I finally understood today that the HOCD is trying to make me think I'm a lesbian, which is why today it hasn't been as bad, but I have this horrible pain in my chest, which is probably anxiety. I really don't want any of this to lead to depression. I'm scared of not being able to enjoy my teenage years.
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