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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

HOCD or denial? Please answer!

I'm 15 years old. So far, I have never doubted my sexuality. In 6th grade, this girl told us she was a lesbian and I started freaking out that people would think I was a lesbian because I hanged out with her. It started then. I started worrying that EVERYONE thought I was a lesbian. I have always liked boys. I get shy and hyper around boys I like. I'm attracted to them. I have never liked a girl that way. I have never wanted to kiss a girl or anything like that. Sometimes I do think girls are pretty, but isn't that normal? I've been paranoid lately. I remember when I was 6-7 years old my best friends and I were playing this game and I was playing the guy. I don't remember if I was chosen or if I wanted to. I keep thinking back to my childhood, remembering if I did any "lesbian" things. I also remember that when I was in 1st grade in gym boys and girls were seperated and I cried when the teacher wanted to put me with both boys and girls. My role models have always been girls. I don't know why. I really want to get married to a man and have children with him. I have been super scared that I might end up with a girl, but I don't want that! I keep thinking about this and I can barley breathe anymore. I keep telling myself" I have HOCD, I'm not in denial." Sometimes I admit I'm a lesbian, but take it back really fast. I don't know what to do. My friend thinks it's weird that a lot of the guys I like have "girly" faces. is that a bad thing? I also really want a boyfriend. I want to be in a romantic relationship. When I hear people talk about their boyfriend/girlfriends, I get sort of weird. i don't know why. I also get weird when people talk about gay people. Not offended, but really weird. I feel like I'm loosing it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a lesbian. Also, know that I have never been kissed or been in a relationship. Never been asked out either. I want my first kiss to be with a guy though. Sometimes I think that certain things I do might come off as lesbian.Right now, I think there's a rumor about me being a lesbian but I'm not sure. Nobody has come up to me or anything. I get freaked out that I don't have HOCD and it's just denial. I have looked up the symptoms and I pretty much match all of them but some not. I'm 15 and I don't find penies attractive. Is that bad? I don't find naked man attractive. I do want to have sex with a guy though.

One last thing, i was taking this "straight or lesbian" quiz and the question: You are being hit on by two people: one female, one male. The woman is extremely attractive, The man is average looking. Who do you have sex with with (if you had to have sex with one of them) bugged me a lot. I actually stopped and thought about it. I have not been diagnosed with OCD yet but I have taken many screening tests online, and I always get 80%. This lesbian thoughts thing happened to me out of nowhere for the first time in December and then it went away when I got backed to school and was distracted. Now I'm in summer and it's back. I have read that people who have HOCD can't control it and it doesn't go away. Why did it go away for me for almost 6 months?

The thing is, I know, deep down, that I am straight. I have never felt emotionally attracted to any girls in my life so far. Like I said up there, I keep replaying my childhood looking for any "lesbian" things but my memory isn't that great. I keep obssesing my parents probably thought I was a lesbian all along. I get this weird thoughts all the time and then I obsses about them for days. My parents don't know about any of this. I have told my mom about the OCD but she doesn't want to believe me. I feel like if I don't get help soon, I will completely loose it. My biggest fear is turning into a lesbian and getting married with a girl. God, I don't want that to happen! It grosses me out, not that I have anything against gay people. I just don't want that for me. All I want is to get married to a man and have children with me. I pray to God every night to make these thoughts go away. I want to be normal like everyone else around me but I don't know how to.  What should I do? Is it HOCD or denial?
60 Responses
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  First of all you are 15 so no need to rush into anything here just to get closure on this thought.  That is all it is anyway.  Just a thought that has popped into your head.  Now you are analyzing everything in your life to answer the question "Am I a lesbian or not."  Well think about it this way.  If you were a lesbian, you wouldn't be fighting the thought would you?  You would just accept it and move on.  The fact that you are fighting it tells me you are definitely not a lesbian.  And yes, girls look at other girls as a comparison.  At my age I still look at women...I want to look as good as the next 47 year old!  So that isn't ever going to go away LOL

You are at that age when people say things that really don't mean anything at all but when you have OCD, and I'm not diagnosing you because I'm not a doctor, but let's just say you did have it, we tend to blow everything out of proportion and take it to the nth horrible degree.  

I will be honest with you and tell you that I too thought I was gay once and at the time I was married.  It is just a common thought that a lot of OCD people have at one time or another.  It is a life changer and those are the thoughts that tend to stick in our brains like a bad dream.  

So rest assured that you are not gay.  Don't take what your friends say to heart..."you like guys with girly faces"...that is just stupid.  Be the wonderful self that you are and move on.  As I said before, don't do anything stupid just to prove this thought as false.  You just have to know it and live your life.  I wouldn't want to see you doing something stupid at 15.  Your time with guys will come.  I'm guessing you just graduated 9th grade?  Plenty of time for boys in your life.  Just wait and see...one will come along that knocks you for a loop.  

Take care and just be 15.  
Avatar universal
JGF25,

thank you so much. I feel so calmed right now, you don't even know. I just wanted to ask you something. When I was reading your comment, and you said "You are not gay" I felt this BIG relief and I was really glad, but at the same time some part of my brain felt...I don't know, sad? I don't know if that is HOCD. Which is weird because I know I don't want want to be lesbian. My brain is just annoying. I do know I don't want to be lesbian and that I am straight, but the other half is bullying me about it.
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
I tell people that OCD should really be renamed OMG for Obsessive Mind Game.  That is what this is.  We are playing tricks on ourselves...how stupid is that but if we could turn it off, we would.  

People think weird things all the time and they are able to let them go.  When it gets to the point that you can't let the thoughts go, then it may be time to seek out the help of a psychologist.  If you saw somebody, they could tell you whether you have OCD or not or maybe just some anxiety.  From there they can help you learn to cope with the thoughts, how to get rid of them and what to do when anxiety does arise.  

The next time this thought comes into your mind...try the following.  Imagine a red handle in your head and imagine yourself pulling it toward you and say "STOP" in your head.  Keep pulling that handle even if you have to do it 10 times.  Then start controlled breathing...take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count that out in your head.  Then let it all out through your mouth.  You can do controlled breathing in any situation and nobody will even know you are doing it.  After a few minutes your heart rate will come back down to normal and then you can think straighter.  

Don't beat yourself up for something that isn't your fault.  You didn't wake up one day and ask to have these thoughts.  They just are and you need to find ways to let them go.  
Avatar universal
I really want to talk to my parents about the OCD, but like I said, my mom won't believe me. I don't know why. I have cried to get three times but she won't budge. She thinks it's normal. Thanks for the advice. I will do that whenever I get those thoughts!
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
If it continues then you need to get your mom to understand.  Ask her to take you to your regular doctor so that you can tell him/her what is going on.  They can then be the mediator between you and your mom.  When it comes from a doctor it is a whole different story than when it comes from a teenager.  If you were my child, you would be at the psychologist's office but that is because I understand the disorder because I have it.  People that don't have the disorder...well it is hard for them.  It really isn't their fault.  I mean they can just turn it off and simply don't understand why we cannot.  Don't be mad at your mom.  If the techniques I gave you don't work and you are absolutely miserable, then tell her you don't feel well and want to go to the doctors.  

Take care and of course you can post on here anytime...I'm not going anywhere :)  
Avatar universal
I told my sister last night and I think she's going to tell my mom. I think that if she sees how my sister acted like night, she might give in. I have a question. I was talking to some people who also have HOCD and they told me that they feel uncomfortable around the same sex. I don't feel uncomfortable around them though. When I see them I just feel indifferent, the same way I feel when I see a guy I'm not attracted to. When I see guys that I like/think are attractive, I just get all weird and sweaty. Is that normal? I also get weird when I see a lot of couples, I don't even know why. I finally understood today that the HOCD is trying to make me think I'm a lesbian, which is why today it hasn't been as bad, but I have this horrible pain in my chest, which is probably anxiety. I really don't want any of this to lead to depression. I'm scared of not being able to enjoy my teenage years.
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
The only reason these people feel uncomfortable is because they are still fighting the OCD thoughts.  You should feel indifferent around people you don't know.  Other than envy and let's face it...we all have that from time to time, we pass people on the street and don't give them a second thought.  The whole key to this is to NOT give into the thinking.  When you give these thoughts no credit, they go away.  

Let's see what your mom says.  I have no doubt that she loves you and will help you get past this.  
Avatar universal
Thank you! Your advice really does help. So it's not bad that I'm not uncomfortable around the same sex? I was talking to my best friend today, and I felt indifferent.
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes....indifferent to the same sex is good....means you are not into them.  Excited to be around guys....that means you are into them.  

Your friends are just as much in the dark as you are.  Don't listen to them.  They have as much experience with this stuff as you do and that isn't much!  
Avatar universal
Is it normal for it to go away for almost a day? I haven't been thinking about it  a lot today. I was pretty calm. I've noticed that that happens when I get a new worry. I'm starting to notice that whenever I read something that can help me, my brain thinks the opposite. Last night, I was reading an article about it and it said how hocd sufferers really don't want to be with the same sex and then my brain was like "but what if i do? i do." but I know I would never want that and I do understand that those thoughts are just part of the hocd.
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
When we are in the middle of an irrational thought process...it really helps to step away and not look up things on the internet or read any articles pertaining to your particular thought.  It just makes us more crazy.  The fact that you are reading these articles is making the thought stay around.  You had a good day...did the What-if start after you read the article?  Before that were you doing okay?  
Avatar universal
Yes, I was doing okay before. The thoughts did pop up sometimes but not as much. The more distracted I get, the more they go away. I don't know if that's normal. I'm just worried because most people with hocd need medication for it to go away, so why is it slowly leaving me?
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
There are some really telling things in your post.  The first is that you are slowly able to let go of the thoughts when you keep yourself distracted with things other than reading articles about HOCD on the internet.  Distraction is very beneficial.  Read a book, go for a jog, see a movie...anything to keep your mind occupied.  My son really like the Brent Weeks books...the Night Shadow Triology so maybe that might be something that you could read this summer.  

Secondly, OCD is different for everybody.  Some people have very manageable OCD that only crops up occasionally and with the proper tools they can manage it without medication.  Others, like me, have a more pervasive OCD and I tend to  jump from one thing to another.  But even in my case, I spent quite a number of years managing my OCD medication free.  

So don't worry about not having to take medication and be happy that the thought is slowly leaving you.  And whatever you do, stop looking up anything to do with HOCD or OCD in general because you now know that is a trigger for you and there is no sense in making yourself miserable.  
Avatar universal
When you said you jump from one thing or another, do you mean that one second you're worrying about a certain thing and the other about something else? It happens to me a lot. I might be worrying about the hocd, and next I'm worried about something else that won't leave me alone.
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes exactly.  If that is the case and it is taking up much of your daily life, then you really do need to talk to your mom about seeing a psychologist.  You need to get an official diagnosis and then undergo cognitive behavioral therapy so that you can help yourself with these thoughts.  So you need a child psychologist that is good at teaching CBT.  Honestly, having been through this as a teenager as well, if it really is affecting your ability to live your life normally, then now is the time to start.  The techniques I learned many years ago regarding CBT I still use today.  

Does anybody else in your family have any problems like this?  There is research out there that suggests it is genetic.  In fact my whole family participated in a study.  However, you could be the only one in your family with this problem.  
Avatar universal
I haven't noticed anyone in my family with the same behavior like me. You know how most people say that people were born Gay or not? I've been worried that maybe I have been, even though I've liked boys all my life so far.
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
You are absolutely not gay.  Nothing you have written will ever make me believe that.  "I've liked boys all my life so far"  well that statement in itself shows the way the wind blows as far as you are concerned.  

Remember, keep your mind occupied and don't let HOCD in.  
Avatar universal
I'm going to try to get rid of the thoughts as hard as I can. Thank you for all your advice :)
1306047 tn?1333247191
You might benefit from an author I like, Jeffrey Schwartz. He wrote a great book called "the mind and the brain" about OCD and now I'm reading "you are not your brain" which offers up real solutions for dealing with and countering your deceptive thoughts.  Understanding what is haywire in your head helps mitigate some of the problem because you have a semblance of understanding of what is misfiring up there.  It'll feel real but wrong still, but at least you'll be able to put more faith in the truth hopefully.  I'd check them out if I were you.  Also remember that this affliction comes and goes over time and stands a good chance of lessening as the years go by as you mature and learn more about yourself and life and stuff.  Don't give up hope or zeal to try your hardest to break it.  Trying hard is the only way.  Best of luck.  
Avatar universal
I finally told my parents about this and they're taking me to get help. I'm been completely anxious tonight though. I've noticed that when I think of lesbian couples, first I feel indifferent, then sort of anxious. When I think about straight couples, I feel anxious. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I thought today "What if I tell people am i lesbian" and "what if I'm just a latent homosexual?" Last year, for fun my friends and I took this test and it said I had that. Then i realized I've been sort of worried about this since 6th grade. I was diagnosed with depression last night and now my parents won't stop watching me. I feel like just ending it all. My cousin was talking about marriage and she told me how I'm going to find the right guy and my mind was like "what if I'm supposed to be with a girl?" and I stopped and think if I could see myself with a girl and at first I was like no but then I got anxious and thought what if I can? I can see myself with a guy but then I'm like no. I have no idea what is going on. I know I DO NOT want to be a lesbian. I'm scared that I'm just saying that because I might be scared of coming out or what my family/friends might think.I don't want that. I just want to be straight like all my friends. I don't know what to do anymore.
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
The therapist that you are going to see is going to teach you the tools that you can use to get yourself out of this thought process.  Just make sure that when you do see the doctor, that you tell him/her everything.  Don't hold things back because you are embarassed...trust me, these doctors have heard it all and then some.  This is an important first step in your recovery from irrational thinking and I'm glad that you were able to talk to your parents and that they are supporting you.  Take care.
Avatar universal
I don't know if anyone is keeping up with my annoying posts, but I will post this anyway because it helps me a lot. I went to the therapist and they told me I'll be able to talk to them in two weeks. I'm looking forward to getting everything off my chest. I've noticed something the past few days. I start obsessing over something I see and then it stops when I see something else. It has gotten worse because I get spikes when I listen to music, read, watch TV, talk to people. I'm doing a little bit better right this moment but earlier today I went to church and I wanted to confess then my brain was like "Are you going to confess about being a lesbian?" and it sort of went from there. I started thinking "What if I've been a lesbian all along because when I was younger I wasn't close to God?" "what if God hates me because I'm a lesbian?" "What if the only reason I have this is because it's denial and I just don't want to be gay because of my family and my religion?" It has been bugging a lot lately actually. I keep worrying if that's the only reason why I don't want to be a lesbian. Then I just felt sort of weird being there.  Also, yesterday my mom and sister were talking about marriage and then I started freaking out again about not ending up with a man even though I'm too young to think about that. I thought to myself" mom but what if I  rather be with a girl?" I didn't want to say it, it just popped into my head even though I know I didn't mean it. I've always wanted to get married to a guy and have children with him and I know I will but sometimes my brain likes to give me anxiety. One last thing, whenever I see pictures of couples, sometimes I think "Why do men and women belong together?" and I always end up crying because I don't want to think like that. Before the HOCD I never thought those things so I know it has to do with that. I'm worried about someday turning into a lesbian and actually liking a girl even though I know it will never happen.  I don't know what to do to keep myself busy. Everything gives me a spike and it's driving me insane. I've been doing what JGF25 told me, about the red handle and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't.
1306047 tn?1333247191
Keep your chin up.  This stuff can be seriously debilitating at times and other times not so much and that's just the regular ups and downs.  There is a very real chance that as you age the symptoms will change for you.  Don't think that you'll feel exactly this way forever.  I suffered crazy like for six years before I finally started to really go with the idea it wasn't real.  For that reason, and another that I don't know what it is, perhaps it was just time healing all wounds, or my brain just so sick of all the pain, it has subsided tons and tons.  I still feel weird about it from time to time, but the last two years has seen it subside drastically.  Remember you are young and still learning about yourself and your brain is still changing. One way or another you'll move past this either totally or to a large extent.  Don't give up! Keep learning, and trying.  Remember, to change your brain it takes directed mental effort applied with discipline over time.  It doesn't feel real or that it's working at first, but through consistant focus you will change.  Good luck
1699033 tn?1514116733
COMMUNITY LEADER
I counted at least 5 what-if statements. This is what OCD does to us. The therapy is going to help you tremendously. And your posts are not annoying. We are here to help you any way at can.
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