HOCD or denial? Please answer!

[logan26]

I'm 15 years old. So far, I have never doubted my sexuality. In 6th grade, this girl told us she was a lesbian and I started freaking out that people would think I was a lesbian because I hanged out with her. It started then. I started worrying that EVERYONE thought I was a lesbian. I have always liked boys. I get shy and hyper around boys I like. I'm attracted to them. I have never liked a girl that way. I have never wanted to kiss a girl or anything like that. Sometimes I do think girls are pretty, but isn't that normal? I've been paranoid lately. I remember when I was 6-7 years old my best friends and I were playing this game and I was playing the guy. I don't remember if I was chosen or if I wanted to. I keep thinking back to my childhood, remembering if I did any "lesbian" things. I also remember that when I was in 1st grade in gym boys and girls were seperated and I cried when the teacher wanted to put me with both boys and girls. My role models have always been girls. I don't know why. I really want to get married to a man and have children with him. I have been super scared that I might end up with a girl, but I don't want that! I keep thinking about this and I can barley breathe anymore. I keep telling myself" I have HOCD, I'm not in denial." Sometimes I admit I'm a lesbian, but take it back really fast. I don't know what to do. My friend thinks it's weird that a lot of the guys I like have "girly" faces. is that a bad thing? I also really want a boyfriend. I want to be in a romantic relationship. When I hear people talk about their boyfriend/girlfriends, I get sort of weird. i don't know why. I also get weird when people talk about gay people. Not offended, but really weird. I feel like I'm loosing it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a lesbian. Also, know that I have never been kissed or been in a relationship. Never been asked out either. I want my first kiss to be with a guy though. Sometimes I think that certain things I do might come off as lesbian.Right now, I think there's a rumor about me being a lesbian but I'm not sure. Nobody has come up to me or anything. I get freaked out that I don't have HOCD and it's just denial. I have looked up the symptoms and I pretty much match all of them but some not. I'm 15 and I don't find penies attractive. Is that bad? I don't find naked man attractive. I do want to have sex with a guy though.

One last thing, i was taking this "straight or lesbian" quiz and the question: You are being hit on by two people: one female, one male. The woman is extremely attractive, The man is average looking. Who do you have sex with with (if you had to have sex with one of them) bugged me a lot. I actually stopped and thought about it. I have not been diagnosed with OCD yet but I have taken many screening tests online, and I always get 80%. This lesbian thoughts thing happened to me out of nowhere for the first time in December and then it went away when I got backed to school and was distracted. Now I'm in summer and it's back. I have read that people who have HOCD can't control it and it doesn't go away. Why did it go away for me for almost 6 months?

The thing is, I know, deep down, that I am straight. I have never felt emotionally attracted to any girls in my life so far. Like I said up there, I keep replaying my childhood looking for any "lesbian" things but my memory isn't that great. I keep obssesing my parents probably thought I was a lesbian all along. I get this weird thoughts all the time and then I obsses about them for days. My parents don't know about any of this. I have told my mom about the OCD but she doesn't want to believe me. I feel like if I don't get help soon, I will completely loose it. My biggest fear is turning into a lesbian and getting married with a girl. God, I don't want that to happen! It grosses me out, not that I have anything against gay people. I just don't want that for me. All I want is to get married to a man and have children with me. I pray to God every night to make these thoughts go away. I want to be normal like everyone else around me but I don't know how to.  What should I do? Is it HOCD or denial?

[stressedashell]

hi I just posted my story on a new question in the ocd community. can you read please and tell me what you think? thank you! it's title hocd or denial? so confused" or something like that.

[JGF25]

Yes, the forum is still up and running.  Please look at the other posts regarding HOCD...there are quite a few...almost all of them actually, as well as my own post regarding "The Anatomy of a Horrific Thought"....and then get back to me with any questions you have by starting your own thread.  Things gets lost when they are on older threads.  

[stressedashell]

Hi just wanted to know if this website is still being used so I can talk to someone? Pretty sure I've got hocd.

[imafork]

hello logan! i am going through the exact things, im 15 as well! It's those little voices i hear in my head like "oh you're a lesbian, you just aren't admitting it" but deep deeeeep down i know i am straight. since these sudden thoughts its like im making myself believe i am and it is just horrible! I started school about a month ago and i honestly thought these thoughts were going to go away but they haven't one bit. i finally told my mom and she  made an appointment for me this saturday morning to see my doctor. I really hope i get the help you got. I cry at night because these thought just worsen and they make me feel so sick :( How are you doing?

[JGF25]

That is wonderful news.  Finally, I'm glad that somebody has listened to you and is helping you.  Take care.

[logan26]

I went to a psychiatric facility and they gave me my medicine. I'm doing much better. I'm not 100% okay, but I think I will soon.

[JGF25]

Logan...read what OCDMaven wrote at the bottom of the following thread.  I think it will be of help to you.  

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-OCD-/show/231

[logan26]

I was at my sister's school today and I kept thinking people thought I was a lesbian and that gave me anxiety. Thoughts like "You're alone" and blah blah kept popping up in my head and then I had a minor anxiety attack. Is that part of the HOCD? I don't know why I keep having this thoughts.

[JGF25]

You are exactly right...the OCD needs to be treated because it is the thoughts that are causing the anxiety.  Get rid of the thoughts and there will be no anxiety.  

[logan26]

I'm just tired that everyone I talk to is only focusing on the anxiety. I want help with these thoughts. Now I'm worried that I don't care about being a lesbian, but that "judging." thing. I was excited for school but whenever I think about it, thoughts like "People will judge you" and stuff like that pop into my head and I think "But how will they find out?" and that gives me anxiety. I don't even want to go to school anymore. I've never seen anyone with HOCD talk about thinking those things.

[JGF25]

Hopefully the next person will be better.  If not, then find another and another until you find somebody that actually knows what they are talking about.  Having anxiety that is off the hook enough to lead to suicidal attempts is not "normal."  This pisses me off actually.  I'm very sorry that you have gotten the short end of the stick here.  I promise you that with the RIGHT help you will get better.  Just know that.  Keep it in the back of your mind.  I know it feels like the end of the world but it really isn't.  I have been down that low and I have come back.  It is doable and it is doable by you.  So keep pressing on and don't give in until you are satisfied that the person you are seeing is helping you.  

[logan26]

I'm in the crisis deparment because of my anxiety and sucidal attemps. My parents told me today that they're going to let me see a new physchologist once I start school next week. I'm worried that he or she will say the same thing the one I'm talking to now will because the new therapist is also from the same medical center I'm going to.

[JGF25]

Really...what you are going through is normal?  I think not.  WTH....did you see a psychologist?  I cannot believe that someone would say that having HOCD, which is what I think you have but I'm no doctor, is normal.  Get yourself a 2nd opinion because it looks like this person is going to be of absolutely no help to you and that really is a shame.  I'm so sorry you have been dealing with this and when the appointment comes around you are told it is normal.  Ugh!!!!!!!

[logan26]

I had one today, but the therapist keeps saying it's "normal" and just part of growing up.

[JGF25]

Did you have your therapy appointment?

[logan26]

Lately I've been worried because whenever I think about starting school again, I think "People will judge me" and stuff like that and I get anxiety because I'm thinking that in the first place, but whenever those thoughts pop up, I get nervous. That sounds like something gay people think.  Also, we were gonna go to church on Saturday and those "judging" thoughts popped into my head and I didn't want to go to church. Same thing today. I really don't know what's happening to me. I also feel "boy-ish"  and gross and whenever I look at myself in the mirror I think "lesbian." Can someone please tell me what's going on?

[lily13579]

OMG you are exactly like me. Seriously. Every single thing you're going through I am too. And I think it started around the same time too. I would always go online and look for pl with the same worries and you have all the same ones as me. Trust me, it's all HOCD, it's all in your head. I promise.

[logan26]

I was talking to one of my friends who's a lesbian and she asked me questions so I could feel better. Do I feel stronger feelings for men or women? Who's body am I attracted to more, men or women? That question bugged me because sometimes I get turned on(I think it's being turned on. I don't really know what "turned on" feels like.) when I see girls but not boys. Also, earlier I was in this website and a bunch of girls were talking about how they just knew they were gay and none of those things happened to me. I'm just scared that deep down I know I'm a lesbian because today when I woke up, I was like 'I'm a lesbian" and then when I said it last night to see how I felt I was going to go tell my parents I was a lesbian and that scared me. Also when I see couples and I get anxiety, I tell myself it's just the ocd and then yesterday i thought 'maybe I don't want to be the only one.." and then I started worrying that I meant lesbian.

[logan26]

I started freaking out about this again and I thought "what if I did enjoy being with a girl?" and I started worrying about it, so I imagined it in my head and felt a tickle and then I felt like I wanted that and then I thought the same thing with a boy and felt indifferent and now I'm having an anxiety attack and I don't know what to do. I list off things that make me a "lesbian" and what makes me straight and I worry that I've been a lesbian all along. I really don't want to be like this anymore. I'm so tired.

[logan26]

Thank you. I just want to know why I get anxiety whenever I see couples and hear about people being in love. I don't know why.

[Godisfaithful]

Here's some food for thought. You never had those thoughts or concerns until you found out about your classmate then you became fearful.  

[logan26]

I've been doing okay this past few days and I'm actually enjoying my summer for the first time this year. I've been able to ignore a lot of the thoughts but sometimes images pop up and make me think that I might like that and I feel like I do, but I know I don't and it just confuses and makes me anxious. Sometimes I feel like I don't like boys anymore, not thinking it, feeling it, but I know I do. That's what's hardest for me right now. Knowing which feeling is real and which one isn't. I need to wait until next week to talk to my therapist and they're always going to be going to my school to talk to me there once it starts. I don't know if that's good or bad yet.

[JGF25]

That is because you have not found any closure for the thought yet or a way to deal with it.  The therapy is going to help.  I can tell from what you write that you are not gay...if that helps you at all.  The things our minds can conjure up is quite astonishing.  All stupid, insignificant things.  I think that is what drives us crazy.  We know they are not true and that they came up at all just drives us bonkers.  Say "Let it go", "Whatever" and try your best to move on to something else.  

[Moma_Cher]

My heart just breaks for you. I found some info that hopefully will help you to redirect your focus from questioning your situation to coming up with a plan of action for recovery... (3rd paragraph is REALLY important)

Treatment of HOCD (Homosexual OCD)


“What if this isn’t OCD? What if I’m really gay?” These are important questions that you might wish to discuss with your therapist. If you have HOCD, doubt about your sexuality reflects an OCD-related “false alarm” that has nothing to do with your actual sexual orientation. If you are gay, your gay thoughts will be associated with pleasure rather than with fear (although you might experience anxiety about the social repercussions of “coming out”).

If you have homosexual OCD, what-if questions about sexuality are ultimately unanswerable in the way that OCD demands they be answered. In my South Florida (Palm Beach County) psychological practice, people seeking HOCD treatment are preoccupied with attempts to know the unknowable.  Unfortunately, there simply is no objective way to determine your “true” sexuality.  If there was a simple solution, you would’ve found it by now.

Because there is no objective way to prove your “true” sexuality to your OCD (it will always ask, “What if…?” and “How do you know for sure…?” questions), your HOCD treatment must focus on the goal of learning to live with the doubt. In other words, treatment should not focus on “proving” whether or not you are straight or gay but rather focus on providing you with better skills for tolerating the unknowable. Remember that HOCD operates just like other versions of Pure-O OCD: the more you analyze your thoughts and body to try to “figure out the truth”, the more likely you are to unknowingly reinforce your symptoms.

The best strategy for reducing your symptoms will be based on exposure and response prevention for HOCD. Exposures for HOCD are built around purposefully seeking out situations you avoid and then resisting mental and behavioral rituals. Developing a good exposure hierarchy can be confusing, so find a good HOCD therapist to guide you. Moreover, your HOCD therapist will also help you stay consistent in the goal of learning to live with uncertainty. Because you have probably spent significant amounts of time trying to prove your sexual orientation once and for all, it’s easy to fall back into this unhelpful goal.

If you’re interviewing potential therapists and one suggests that they can “cure you of your gay thoughts” or help you “know for sure that you’re straight”, consider this a red flag. That person is not an HOCD specialist. These types of promises are inconsistent with how effective HOCD treatment actually works. Although everyone with HOCD wants to get rid of their gay thoughts, thought suppression techniques will be ineffective in the long-run.
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Sending you well wishes and praying you find peace and calm soon.

Cheri