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HOCD or denial?
OK, sorry for the long, painful paragraph but just bare with me. Also sorry if its confusing.
So for starters im 13, in the eight grade, and have never dated a boy before. I've been having extremely intrusive and scary thoughts about the same sex. Im also a CHRISTIAN and I dont want to act opon this.
I cant tell you how much pain I go through daily. Thoughts like 'what if.' or 'in the future.' plays a role also.
Im very attracted to boys still. Whenever I look at a cute boy i start blushing, wishing i was his girlfriend, and my heart skips a beat. When I feel like that its so hard not to smile. My life seems perfect like that!!
But the confusing part is after i feel that way homosexual thoughts will come in and I feel different. Than i start panicking, crying, ect. My feelings are ALWAYS up and down for some reason. It really scares me about my future and what im going to act opon. I've never felt this way before like i do know. I used to have this massive crush on this boy and I want those types of feelings to stay. Im scared that i wont be attracted to guys anymore.
I really dont want to give up. I've also been dealing with this for about 10 months now almost a year. I haven't told anyone except GOD >.<
So for starters im 13, in the eight grade, and have never dated a boy before. I've been having extremely intrusive and scary thoughts about the same sex. Im also a CHRISTIAN and I dont want to act opon this.
I cant tell you how much pain I go through daily. Thoughts like 'what if.' or 'in the future.' plays a role also.
Im very attracted to boys still. Whenever I look at a cute boy i start blushing, wishing i was his girlfriend, and my heart skips a beat. When I feel like that its so hard not to smile. My life seems perfect like that!!
But the confusing part is after i feel that way homosexual thoughts will come in and I feel different. Than i start panicking, crying, ect. My feelings are ALWAYS up and down for some reason. It really scares me about my future and what im going to act opon. I've never felt this way before like i do know. I used to have this massive crush on this boy and I want those types of feelings to stay. Im scared that i wont be attracted to guys anymore.
I really dont want to give up. I've also been dealing with this for about 10 months now almost a year. I haven't told anyone except GOD >.<
Hi there. First of all you are young and at 13 a lot of hormonal stuff is going on and if you do have OCD then hormonal changes can play a role.
I want you to think of the thought process this way. If I told you not to think of the color purple, the first thing that is going to come to your mind is something purple. That is where you are at right now. You know that you like boys but perhaps because of stress and hormonal changes you had this "what if" thought and it really bothered you...has been bothering you for about a year. Because it caused you distress you are afraid of the thought and it just keeps coming back. Your mind is playing tricks on you. You don't want to think the thought but your mind is saying it anyway. OCD is one big mind game that we play on ourselves.
What you need to do is adopt the "whatever" attitude. When the unwanted thought enters your mind, say WHATEVER in your head. Keep doing this whenever it comes into your head. The less you fight the thought the more likely it is to go away. That does not mean you are agreeing with the gay thought but that you are taking back the control of your own mind. I like to use phrases such as: enough now move on, whatever, nope I'm not going there again. Give this a try and see how it goes.
If you cannot get over this then you need to talk to your parents. No parent wants to see their child suffer and I'm sure they will be receptive and get you some help. A psychologist is the best starting point. This way you can get a diagnosis and a treatment plan can be put in place. Trust me when I say that you are not alone in this and you absolutely will not have to live your life this way with the right help.
I want you to think of the thought process this way. If I told you not to think of the color purple, the first thing that is going to come to your mind is something purple. That is where you are at right now. You know that you like boys but perhaps because of stress and hormonal changes you had this "what if" thought and it really bothered you...has been bothering you for about a year. Because it caused you distress you are afraid of the thought and it just keeps coming back. Your mind is playing tricks on you. You don't want to think the thought but your mind is saying it anyway. OCD is one big mind game that we play on ourselves.
What you need to do is adopt the "whatever" attitude. When the unwanted thought enters your mind, say WHATEVER in your head. Keep doing this whenever it comes into your head. The less you fight the thought the more likely it is to go away. That does not mean you are agreeing with the gay thought but that you are taking back the control of your own mind. I like to use phrases such as: enough now move on, whatever, nope I'm not going there again. Give this a try and see how it goes.
If you cannot get over this then you need to talk to your parents. No parent wants to see their child suffer and I'm sure they will be receptive and get you some help. A psychologist is the best starting point. This way you can get a diagnosis and a treatment plan can be put in place. Trust me when I say that you are not alone in this and you absolutely will not have to live your life this way with the right help.
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