(Read carefully) do i have hocd or in denial??
Okay so i just turned 14 and i think i might have HOCD. I have always had a lot of OCD all my life since I was young. I started getting scared that I might be gay or bi around 8 months ago. So I had a crush on this girl that's my age then we made out and hung out almost everyday. I loved it. She makes me feel super happy. I had a lot of girlfriends that i think i loved. I had sex with this girl way more than once. But the first time was about 8 months ago in a tent. I felt all nervous and excited. I watched straight and lesbian porn all my life so i kinda learned from there. I tried giving it to her in a "doggy style" way and when i looked down at hers. It looked kinda weird like it was stuck together. I think this triggered me thinking that i was gay because i told myself in my head. "If you dont do this you're gay" then i slid it in for my first time and it felt good she was fully naked and i held her booty and boobs and she was having orgasms and it really felt super good. Im sorry for the story being so long. When i was younger around 7-8 years. I experimented with a friend he wanted me to put his thing in my mouth... I did but it was so gross i almost puked i never liked it. Then i wanted him to try it back on me and he did but i liked the feeling but i didn't get aroused by it. We did this for about a week straight then i regretted it. I regretted this for about 2 years then i tried it again with another friend i did get aroused but not by him i dont think. Then we did it like it was normal for like another weak he sucked mine and i did back but i never liked it in my own mouth. And one time he told me to lay on him so we could rub echothers parts together i felt weird but down there it felt good. One day i told him to bend over so i could put it in... Then i just stared at his parts and my thing went down and i got grossed out... I never did it again after that. I felt depressed and just regretting all the stuff i did. I never looked at guys like "i want to have sex with him" or anything like that. I've always liked girls since before i could remember. Now i started testing myself to check if im still attracted to girls or if im attracted to guys. I watched gay porn to check and i got half a boner!! I wanted to puke then it went down.. I get this sick feeling in my stomach or a pukey feeling most times. I was always called gay or fag by people around here and its pretty normal to be called that around here even if you're not one. I never got offended because i knew i liked girls. I still get called it sometimes but it doesnt bother me. If i realize im standing or talking like i might be acting gay i quickly change what im doing. I don't even eat bananas anymore because the shape. I feel like all the stuff i did when i was young turned me gay or bi somehow. I don't want to mostly because i don't want to have sex with guys. Maybe it's puberty that gives my groin responses??? I watched the porn and i dont think im attracted to it. I don't have urges to masterbait to the guy but to masterbait to a girl!! If i am doing my thing in the bathroom and a guy pops up i pause like it doesnt feel right. I did think that the positions the guys were in were attractive but just the penis inside the other guy is gross. I tried masterbaitig to a guy and you know what happened? It took 5 strokes and i almost cummed! I swithched to lesbian porn and it felt so good!!!!! Oh my god it felt amazing. I know i'm 100% straight but my mind says bi. If i watch the gay porn i get all scared like start crying even maybe because i really am gay or bi?? Im super scared that im becoming gay or bi and it all freaks me out mostly because i dont want to be in a relationship with a man and dont wanna lose girls sometimes its because what other will think but not a lot. Am i in gay denial??? Am i bi?? Maybe hitting puberty and getting curious? Maybe its hocd. Thank you for reading im sorry for the spelling and everything else im just freaking out
I also really believed i had HIV after i had sex with her and was obsessed about it wanting to find out so bad for months. I couldn't tell my parents so i got tested on my own free time. It was negative but i think it was all part of OCD.